Science...For Her! (32 page)
BETTER BEST FRIENDS
Than My Friend Tiffany
(no offense)
Many people have said, “Diamonds are a girl’s best friend!” Here are just a few reasons that diamonds are so much better best friends than my slutty ex–best friend Tiffany!
Diamonds are less ugly than Tiffany
Diamonds won’t ever f your ex Xander
Diamonds go with everything; Tiffany only “goes with” (sleeps with) pieces of trash
Tiffany, you smell like a barfed-up bagel if it had a million stretch marks
Also your vag is always beet red no matter the day. Xander told me that in confidence and now I am embarrassing you with it
JK love you, babe
JK
The sun is shining, the birds are singing, you know what that means—it’s February! Thank you, GLOBAL WARMING!!
Global warming
, more accurately known as
climate change
, is the phenomenon of shifting weather patterns. Contrast with
gay-ball
warming
, which is when a gay person’s balls are cupped by another gay person. When people talk about climate change, they’re usually talking about the rising global temperature and pollution that has arisen from man-made change. Make that
woman
-made, sister! Ruining the earth’s climate isn’t just for men anymore! You
too
can eff this planet up!
Over years of industrialization, humans have greatly influenced the makeup of the earth’s atmosphere. Fossil-fuel consumption, aerosols, and deforestation have all played their parts in global warming. But, like, are you seriously asking me to give up all my favorite things just so the earth doesn’t get hotter? Like, my favorite things are
literally
driving around in pink Hello Kitty Hummers, hairspray, and deforestation. I literally just wrote a part of this book about killing trees. In fact, let’s kill just a little more of a forest.
Some women (that’s US, GIRLS!) don’t believe that global warming is real. They think it’s a cute little myth, like Santa Claus/the Tooth Fairy/female orgasms. I, on the other hand, know that it’s real and that I
love
it! Who doesn’t like warm weather all year round, fewer bees, no forests? The earth is literally hotter than Taylor Lautner, Robert Pattinson, and Rihanna (that’s for you lesbos!) combined! It’s so hot in LA right now that my ex-boyfriend’s house that I just set on fire is on fire!
I think the reason some gals don’t want to face the climate-change music is that it’s a little scary. It’s easy to not face things that are bad in your life. No one wants to
salivate
at that (NAILED IT, FUCK YOU WORD-A-DAY CALENDAR! Let’s see what’s next . . .
perspicacious
?! You gotta be fucking kidding me!). Like, if I’m being honest, my relationship with Xander was doomed fairly early on. I should’ve known we were heading for a breakup. Xander would give me these little hints like saying to my face “we are breaking up” and getting a restraining order and then saying “we are broken up,” etc. etc. I was just like, why don’t you just come out and
say it
, coward?!
I should probably be sad about global warming, but I’m not. I’m ready to tackle it like the modern woman that I am. I don’t know if it’s the beautiful weather outside or the meth I just smoked, but I feel as giddy as someone who’s just smoked meth!!!
USE HAIRSPRAY EVERY DAY,
even when it’s not a date night or funeral brunch!
ALWAYS DRIVE HUGE CARS,
even though you’re physically unable to drive even the tiniest automobile with your female spatial reasoning (see CHAPTER 3)!
EAT A LOT OF LOW-CARB GREEN VEGGIES,
and add to the layer of methane that’s surrounding the earth by farting out of your butt!
