Science...For Her! (36 page)
FIG. 6.2
In the words of the late Gwyneth Paltrow (R.I.P. 1972–2017 [projected]), “Let’s get to the good stuff!”
Medicine
refers to the practice of the diagnosis, treatment, and prevention of disease.
Pharmacology
deals with making and testing drugs to help treat and prevent those diseases.
Pharmacology & medicine
comes from the Wingdings
, which, loosely translated, means “square squiggles loopy quotation marks cube sphere loopy quotation marks Virgo symbol other square black circle other square kind of looks like the word ‘no’ square with caret in it space book space sphere Scorpio symbol Ohm over a line I dunno I guess two parentheses with a line connecting them Virgo symbol that parentheses thing black box Scorpio symbol.”
Also, huge news on the X-word front! That’s his name, right? “Xander”? I totally forgot because I so don’t even care about him anymore. Anyway, I’m pretty sure that Xander (or was it “Sandra”??) came to my hospital room while I was in a coma! Sure, it was just to sign a do-not-resuscitate form, but he really stepped up his game and came. Girls, a tip: always put ex-boyfriends that you kind of want to see again as your next of kin! That way, they HAVE to return your calls! (Or at least the calls of the ICU nurses!) ;)
A
disease
is an abnormal condition that affects the body of an organism. In humans,
disease
is often used more broadly to refer to any condition that causes pain, dysfunction, distress, social problems, or death to the person afflicted. So basically a boyfriend, then, right, gals! :) Can I get a “
There are millions of diseases. If you count ugliness as a disease, there are a million and two (face ugliness and full-body ugliness, a usually more terminal disease). There are only four main types of diseases, though. Just like there are four ladies in
Sex and the City
! You and your three girlfriends can play “Which type of disease are we?”
FIG. 6.3
MAIN TYPES
OF
Diseases
FIG. 6.3
Cancer
is a major illness. It’s very virulent—you will 100 percent get cancer if you are a my grandma. There are two types of cancer. One is the astrological sign, and one is a terminal illness, and both are unpredictable! One time one of my friends with cancer just showed up at work with a shaved head and it’s just like YEAH you are so unpredictable these days!! Just a crazy rebel who does whatever you want with your hair at any time!! You go, cancer-girl! Straight to the
oncologist
!
Some groups help people and children with cancer, like the
Make-A-Wish Foundation
. The Make-A-Wish Foundation helps thousands of children a year to fulfill a dream. They are a wonderful organization whose motto is “no wishing for less cancer or more wishes.”
Make sure you don’t have cancer by taking this month’s
Science . . . for Her!
featured quiz!
QUIZ:
DO YOU HAVE
Cancer
?
1. It’s the middle of class and your crush looks over to see you:
A.
Texting him!
B.
Paying attention to the teacher. Come on— it’s
class
!
C.
Picking at a large new mole that has recently developed on your forearm!
2. When you’re out with your friends, you are:
A.
Gossiping about the cute new boy in fourth-period bio!
B.
Sharing negative cancer test results over some Frappuccinos (pumpkin fraps, come on—it’s
fall
, sluts)!
C.
Bleeding from your tumors, you total slut! (Bleeding from tumors = getting to “second base”!!)
3. If you could change one part of your body, it would be:
A.
Your abs and/or abdominals!
B.
Your C-section scar, you postnatal slut!
C.
The lumps you recently found in your left breast, aka Thelma ;) (Finding a lump in your breast = getting to “first base”!!)
4. You and your guy are curling up on a snowy night. What do you do?
A.
Kiss a little, nothing further—you’re a good girl, you’re no slut ;)!
B.
Go all the way—you’re a naughty girl and some would say the “slut” of the night school/Hebrew School :p!
C.
Die!
5. The pop song that most describes you is:
A.
“Pumped Up Kicks” (like ANYONE can resist that great song!! Anyone who says they don’t like that song is a total slut, sexually)
B.
“I Wanna Hold Your Hand” (honestly, one of the best songs by one of the best bands EVER, the Beatles! Ever heard of ’em? ;) They don’t need to sing about sluts to be so sexy/slutty!)
C.
“My Humps” (referring to the humps/lovely lady lumps in your breasts)
6. If you met a cancer doctor, you’d say:
A.
“Hey, you’re a sexy doctor! Wanna listen to Foster the People and touch my Jew-nips?”
B.
“Hey, I’m a good girl but that doesn’t mean I’m above being a slut. Wanna touch my Jew-nips to the sounds of Foster the People, this generation’s the Beatles?”
C.
“I have cancer, gllrrrrrrrrrssh” [the sound of blood gurgling out of your femur marrow]
7. When it comes to sports, you:
A.
Are a sports slut!
B.
Are a sports slut but for sex (so just a plain ol’ slut)!
C.
Are dead from dying from overdosing on cancer!
8. If your life was an MTV show, it would be called:
A.
MTV’s Slut-Ass Bitch-Ass Slut!
B.
Teen Mom’s MTV Jew-Nips!
C.
Sixteen and Cancerous!