Science...For Her! (30 page)

Let me take a slight little digression before we get into the meat and potatoes (more like meat and extra meat—potatoes have carbs, girls!) of earth sciences and botany. This seems like as good a chapter as any to talk about drugs, since many of them are plants or are made from plants from the earth or made from the hand of God (meth).

Some people say “Hugs, not drugs.” I always say drugs
and
hugs! In fact, drugs often make hugs feel way better. Go take a bunch of Ecstasy and hug a shag carpet. You’ll thank me later. But I’ll focus for now on more plant-based drugs.
Marijuana
or
weed
is a fun gateway drug! You can get prescriptions for marijuana to help treat ailments such as glaucoma or addiction to marijuana.
FIG. 4.2

FIG. 4.2

Rohypnol
or
roofies
is another fun gateway drug . . . gateway to
dating!!!!!
FIG. 4.3
Girl, haven’t you dreamt that someday you’ll find the perfect guy who will sweep you off your feet because you can’t stand on your feet because you’ve dropped unconscious due to the roofies that he’s put in your mai tai?!?! You are not alone!!! Every gal wants to wake up in a handsome stranger’s bedroom/secret basement cage! Also, roofies have
no
carbs! They are pretty much a perfect drug.

FIG. 4.3

And, as I mentioned previously, meth is truly a drug of the gods. Like the little saying goes, “Candy is dandy but meth is bestth.” After becoming violently addicted to meth, I’ve been awake for nearly a fortnight and have eaten only three raisins and a stack of ants that dared try to challenge me to a dance-off. Of course I’m going to fucking beat you, ants, I’m an Egyptian god.

Okay, this is real classic botany stuff, right here. Trees, man! Growing up, you were probably told that trees were a wonderful part of being alive, and that we should do everything in our power to conserve them. WRONG. Trees are every woman’s NATURAL ENEMY, YOU DUMB BITCH.

The tree lobby (Big Tree) has managed to convince our generation that trees are great and give you air and stuff (verbatim quote from Big Tree). But how about the fact that approximately 80 percent of them will become copies of
Mein Kampf
?! I personally like to flip off trees just in case they turn into Guy Fieri cookbooks. But most important: they give men completely unrealistic ideals for women’s bodies. We can’t all be effortlessly tall and thin with brittle skin!! That’s why I’ve included five blank pages in
Science . . . for Her!
If I can kill even
one
more tree than usual with the publication of this book, then I’m doing my part for womankind.

Doesn’t that feel amazing!!! Take
that
, you big stupid trees with dumb leaves (it’s like, who has
leaves
anymore?! You untrendy bitch) and idiot roots (hey dummy, your roots are showing)! FUCK YOU, TREES!

Really the only thing a tree is good for is when you KILL IT (long and painful death, please!) and make it into fun and/or flirty books like this one or other cute ones. Here are some of the books from Urban Outfitters that I’m most excited to impulse-buy next season!
FIG. 4.4

If we’re talking about trees, we HAVE to talk about the
Christmas tree
. As a Jew, I grew up thinking it was the worst kind of tree of them all, but I have to say, I did come around to Christmas after I celebrated it with my then-true-Christian-love Xander. Hey, girlies, why don’t I tell you of my FIRST CHRISTMAS! This should kill a few ol’
Tannenbaums
!

FIG. 4.4

MY FIRST

Christmas

Because I was raised as a Jew, a woman, and a Democrat, I was denied the luxury of celebrating Christmas. In December, when the other children would dream of sugarplums, I would dream of regular plums. When the other children would dream about nutcrackers, I would dream of regular plums (I’m super into plums). I just knew Christmas as that day when my family would eat Chinese food and watch television and I’d sneak some extra plums from Nana’s old-country plum basket. Sure, I celebrated Hanukkah, but who wants a holiday where you don’t get to have a tree or whine about dogs or eat lasagna? Not Garfield the Cat, let me tell you!

That first year with Xander, though, I learned that Jews and Catholics aren’t that different! First of all, we both believe in Jesus as our One Savior (if you round up to the nearest whole Savior)! Second of all, we both hate Mondays but love lasagna! I might be mixing up Catholics and Garfields for that one, but you get the point—I was ready to delve into a new world of cultural understandings, capital letters, and ® symbols. I was ready for my FIRST CHRISTMAS
^®®®®
.

We began my Christmas journey
^®
(not to be confused with the band Journey
^®
, although it was rumored that in the eighties, on the road, they experimented with Christmas) the day after Thanksgiving, when Xander bought our fake Christmas tree at Bed Bath & Beyond. Before someone makes a joke about the tree probably being from the “Beyond” section, I have to warn you—the tree is also a bath! So it’s from the “Bath” section! There’s a hollow in the center that you can fill with hot water and carefully bathe one leg in at a time. It’s a fake tree, obviously, but I would still throw it away and buy a new one every year to get the full Christmas effect
^®
(not to be confused with
The Butterfly Effect
^®
starring Ashton Kutcher
^®
, a Jew
^®
).

Christmas ornaments are the part of Christmas that I find most confusing. Who needs Christmas ornaments when nature has provided her own ornaments: bird’s nests, Frisbees, and plums that I sometimes Scotch-tape onto non-plum trees for fun? Still, decorating the tree was pretty cool. Xander provided the colored orbs. I provided the ol’ tape-plums. Garfield provided the laughs.

As I then threw our stockings on the blazing fire to heat us in that cruel Hollywood winter, Xander explained to me the story of Santa Claus. I realized the name “Santa Claus” is a play on the movie
The Santa Clause
starring Tim Allen. Super cute reference, Catholics!! Slowly, the unfamiliar sounds of Christmas music filled our two-bed, two-bath, four-kitchen, fifty-two-door apartment. I instantly loved it! Especially the part in “Winter Wonderland” where they talk about pretending a snowman is Parson Brown. A marriage is a sacred institution between one man and one woman married by one ordained snowman, and this song does justice to my staunch Catholic principles.

Though I’d tackled the big Christmas to-dos, I still had a lot to learn. The true meaning of Christmas cannot be bought with a Papa John’s Pizza gift card (they sell lasagna, too!) or looked up in a dictionary under the definition of “Christmas”; it must be discovered through careful observation of true believers. So, until December 25 every year, I’ll be watching you, Christmas lovers. Like a marathon of all the episodes of the
Garfield & Friends
^®
animated TV show that ran from 1988 to 1995, I’ll be watching you
^®
.

Oh. My. GAAAAAAH. TUH. I am seriously sobbing, I am so excited to start talking about flowers!!! If I could’ve put flowers into every other single part of science, you bet I would’ve. I should’ve called atoms “microscopic flowers.” I should’ve called periods “panty flowers.”

A
flower
, sometimes known as a
blossom
or a
gay tree
, is actually the reproductive structure of certain plants. So when you’re joking around with your best friends that certain flowers look like vaginas, you’re not too far off!
FIG. 4.5
Actually, speaking of best friends, one of my best friends, Minnie, is literally a flower. She’s a baby’s breath! She’s so beautiful, and never asks me to drive her to the airport!

FIG. 4.5

Flowers are really great for day-to-day life. Flowers make for great tattoos on the small of your back. How amazing is that! You can put a cute plant’s vagina on your back! The names of flowers can be used to name sluts and other types of ladies. Have you ever met a Violet or a Jasmine who wasn’t giving a for-profit blowjob while she was shaking your hand to meet you? Best of all, flowers are a great thing to put onto
fabrics
, which, as you may know, is often the main component of
clothes
, also known as
gay skin
.