Science...For Her! (26 page)
I would date any of them! Because unfortunately I’m single again. During the writing of this chapter my hockey boyfriend Anton dumped me, saying that I was tearing him and his hockey teammates apart and the “Brotherhood of the Ice” was more important than any girl. Joke’s on him: I replaced his puck with a used diaphragm!
America has historically been good at producing physicists. Many famous physicists have come from America:
Benjamin Franklin
,
Robert Millikan
,
Dr. Pepper
. The soda was called “Mr. Pepper” before he got his PhD in nuclear physics. However, not everything in America’s past has been as successful. America is a very complicated place. I think this review that I found online in a blog pretty much sums it up.
A ReviewHow to begin this review? Few countries that debuted in the 1700s have been as controversial or long running (it’s into its 236th season now) as
America
. It may not have the staying power of perennial favorites such as
China
or the credibility of indie darlings like
Finland
, but America has proven that it can at least make some cultural impact. It’s not the best, but hey, they can’t all be
Louie
.
America was originally a spin-off of the long-running
England
. Airing from the 1776–77 season through today,
America
focuses on a small ensemble of white people using things in the ground to become rich or kill brown people. A sprawling dramedy, it combines all of the loose plot points of a Tyler Perry sitcom with all the fun of being white.
It has widely focused on the themes of war, freedom, sitting, Fenway Park, maps, the one true Christian god, rugs, pregnancy tits,
VICE
magazine, butterfaces, coal, butterdicks, “Where’s the Beef?,” Chicago, Larry Flynt, colonialism, Terri Schiavo, NBC single-camera sitcoms, toddlers, suicide pacts, Atari, penny-farthing bicycles, SpaghettiO’s (Cool Ranch flavor), tiny dolls, the TLC show
Sister Wives
, H1N1, television, and genocide. It has some unique perspective every once in a while, but honestly,
America
can be super derivative. Most of the stories have already been on
The Simpsons
.
A lot of episodes in
America
don’t really hold up. Slavery? Parachute pants? White slavery? It just feels really overdone now. Among the most memorable episodes are “The Civil War,” “Texas,” “World War” (a two-parter), and “Black President.”
Some of the story lines are also a bit of a stretch. Are they really expecting us to believe that they killed
all
the Indians and that all those Indians did to deserve it was invent diabetes?! And come on—that stuff in the 9/11 episode could not have happened without someone working on the inside. That makes no sense. “9/11” jumped the shark.
Hard
.
It’s been on so long that no one wants to comment on the OBVIOUS PLOT HOLES. Such awful continuity. Like, how could it be explained that in season 170, George H. W. Bush fathered a retarded son, but then in season 225, that son became president?! Really terrible continuity. I would
like to point out that I appreciate a recent callback to earlier plots. Around seasons 174–184, some of the anti-feminist and sexist story lines were put on the back burner, but it’s nice that we’ve seen a resurgence in this last season.
There’s a lot of homosexual undertones to the country. The Very Special Episode about Lewis and Clark was revised to not include the fact that they originally named Oregon after the French word for “gay-ween butt-orgy” (“
Baguette
”). Baseball, the “American Pastime,” is about using bats (“dicks”) to hit balls (“balls”) all while blowing each other in the dugout (“RBI”). And how about the American flag? Obviously thirteen dicks going into fifty buttholes.
America
has time and time again proved itself as a launching ground for young starlets. It’s fun seeing people before they became huge stars, like John Ritter, Stella McCartney, Theodore John “Ted” Kaczynski, and Ted “Ted” Bundy. But the ensemble works best when we see the regulars yearn for a raise or promotion, struggle with Mary Tyler Moore’s foibles, and be there for Mary Tyler Moore when the going gets rough. I stole this from a review for
The Mary Tyler Moore Show
, but I think it completely and entirely makes sense to literally lift from that review and drop it into this context as well.
As someone with more quirky and alt tastes, I can’t say that
America
is my favorite thing to watch. I’m more into
Breaking Bad
. Have you seen season four?! Season four of
Breaking Bad
is flawless. Season four of
America
is VERY uneven. It had no main black characters.
Girls
, much?! I love
The Wire
!
I just hope to God (the American/right one) that they don’t pull some deus ex machina shit at the end of this series. Like, there’s nuclear war with North Korea, or they’ve been dead the whole time or something.
Anyway, it may have veered off wildly from the pilot, but
America
is definitely worth a look. It’s an interesting experiment in the world of prime-time sovereign nations. What the characters lack in consistency, they make up for in body weight, lingering racism, and inconsistency. But it makes for a quick and easy viewing, and can often surprise you with heartfelt turns. It’s like eating Cool Ranch SpaghettiO’s on a warm summer’s eve. And hey, sometimes things get really good right before they’re canceled.
MY RATING: 50 stars (out of 100)
You’re flat like Lauren? Oof magoof, girl, this is a real sticking point. The laws of physics basically state that if there’s something (e.g., a hand or peenium) traveling along a straight line and it meets a flat curve (e.g., your flat seven-year-old-boy chest), it won’t have any friction and will just fall off your body. Then your boyfriend or hookup partner might even hurt himself if he’s traveling fast enough. He might slip off your itty bitty titties and fall on the floor onto a knife or something.
I want to reiterate what I said about Lauren—her breasts were so small that they were basically concave. They looked like two strawberry cough drops from Halls (SPONSORED TWEET).
That being said, some women don’t like their big breasts. There’s something called a “breast reduction,” which can reduce your big melons into tiny melon balls. I’m starting a charity to help women with very large bingos (like myself) help out less fortunate uggos like Lauren (like Lauren). You donate your extra boob material to mosquito gals who are unlucky or poor enough to have tiny boobs. It’s called Yabbos of Love and it will be up and running as soon as I sleep with the entire Better Business Bureau.
Good Name for a Vagina I Just Thought of
“Better Business Bureau”
The physics I’ve told you about is pretty cool so far, right? Well, it’s nothing compared to the future of physics. Part of the future of physics is time travel. Using the laws of matter and motion, science is soon going to be able to transport your big summer booty (better lay off the Better Cheddars!) to any time or place you desire (Try the winter, when you don’t need that bikini body, you fat woman! You’re just a big fat lady! Pudge-a-pudge-a-pudge-a! Buffalo Bill in
Silence of the Lambs
would have wanted to skin you because you’re fat and have a lot of skin to go around!).
As a side note, I just want to preface this by saying time travel very likely already exists. I mean, there’s no way to prove that all murders aren’t just time travelers killing future Hitlers. I truly believe that many scientific advances such as time travel have already been made and the government is just totally covering it up.
THIS SPRING’S TOP COVER-UPS!
There are so many great cover-ups out there! There are also a lot of bad cover-ups that the American government has pulled that might fool most of the goddamn sheeple in this country but not me, you better believe that I have not had the wool pulled over my eyes! I will now list the top cover-ups for this fun, flirty season!
8.
Boxy, flirty, and SUPER comfy with whatever you’re wearing! Added bonus: it’s got a flower on it! Cute!
7.
The moon landing in 1969 was a hoax staged by NASA that the US government covered up by visibly doctoring the photos of the fake staged moon landings on soundstages in Hollywood, California, killing off astronauts and other affiliated people who knew the truth about the moon landings, and disposing of blueprints and recording devices that would have proved that America had never landed on the moon. Cute!
6.
Want to conceal your trouble spots? Throw on this floaty, flirty light sweater! Cute!
5.
It is widely known that MLK Jr.’s assassin, James Earl Ray, was just acting as a fall guy in an epic conspiracy that included President Lyndon Johnson, the Joint Chiefs of Staff, J. Edgar Hoover, and several army units as well as organized-crime figures. But the government has tried to convince us that James Earl Ray was working alone and that they wouldn’t be interested in picking off one individual black man—cute!
4.
This hot hoodie puts the
hot
in
super hot
! Cute!
3.
The John F. Kennedy assassination of 1963 is widely regarded as the biggest US government cover-up that has ever been attempted. Though Lee Harvey Oswald was apprehended as the “single” assassin of the president, JFK was truly murdered due to a wide-reaching conspiracy that involved the CIA, the KGB, FBI director J. Edgar Hoover, sitting vice president Lyndon B. Johnson, Cuban president Fidel Castro, and anti-Castro Cuban exile groups. Cute!
2.
Lets the beach boys see just enough sexy curves! Cute!
1.
The US government managed to cover up the fact that the World Trade Center towers’ iron could never have burned at the temperatures that the government says it did or else it would have never left nano-size iron balls in the dust that clearly show that the towers burned at a temperature consistent with a controlled inside burn. Additionally, according to the 9/11 Commission Report, the cockpit “black boxes” from flights 11 and 175 were not recovered from the remains of the WTC attack; however, two men who worked extensively in the wreckage of the towers said that they helped federal agents find three of the four black boxes from the jetliners. Other option: the LBD, which flatters any body shape or size. Cute!