Saving Me (Finding You #3) (19 page)

“Yeah. I actually feel a little better after a proper meal.”

“Well, that’s great. You’ll be back home before you know it.”

That scared me. Home. Life. Reality. I could see Libby looking puzzled at my facial expressions.

“You don’t want to return home?”

“I…it’s frightening.”

She sat on the side of the bed, folding the cuff and resting it beside her. “Honey, what scares you so much about returning home?”

I could feel my head shaking from side to side. “Everything.” It came out so softly I wondered if she’d heard me.

“As much as I’d love to keep you, I’m sure your loved ones are itching to have you back so they can take care of you. And that handsome man? If he was mine, I would have discharged myself from here ages ago.” She laughed, trying to lighten the mood, but then turned serious when I didn’t respond. “I know everything might seem dark right now but there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. The light is those that care about us and love us. We need to make our way to that light and surround ourselves with it. Do you hear what I’m saying?”

Some scattered part of me inside knew she was right. I just needed to connect that part with some form of emotion. “I feel lost.”

It was the first time I’d spoken to anyone about it. I didn’t know why I was now. Maybe it was because Libby wasn’t tethered to me in any way, shape, or form. What made her so different than the psychologist? It could have been the fact that the psychologist was being paid to try and get me to open up. I was another case for her. Another file to add to her large collection so that I could be stuffed in a metal drawer with all the other mental patient notes.

Libby didn’t have an agenda. She was just making conversation.

When she reached out and touched my wrist, I instinctively pulled back, but undeterred, she grasped the other one before I had the chance to pull it away. “Shhh. You’re safe. I won’t hurt you.” Her fingers moved down to my hand and I had to shut my eyes and squeeze my jaw in an attempt to keep it there.

“He really screwed you up, didn’t he?”

My eyes flew open at the same time my mouth dropped. “You know?”

“Yeah. When you were brought in we were all given a rundown on your injuries and how you sustained them. I can’t begin to imagine what you had to endure.” She was squeezing my hand, and for an instant I forgot about being touched while my mind flicked to everyone knowing what had happened. As numb as the drugs had made me, my eyes began to glisten with tears, derived from some place in me that I didn’t know existed any more.

Libby kept going. “You’re not to blame for any of it. You’re the victim. You had no say in anything. You’re beautiful and special. Even if you can’t see it right now, you are. Don’t give away your power to anyone. Don’t let him win.”

Tears dropped onto the sheets as Libby held my hand firm. “I think he’s already won.”

“No! You’re the winner. Don’t you see? You’re here. He’s not. You have the opportunity to rise up now, better and stronger than you ever were before. He’s gone for good. You still have the world at your feet.”

Was it ever going to sink in that he was gone? It seemed like a dream that I would wake up from soon. It would continue to feel like that unless I saw it with my own eyes. With that thought, I sat up straighter, resisting the ache in my ribs.

“Where is he?”

“The man that put you in here?”

“Yes.”

“He’s in the morgue. Why.”

“I need to see him.”

Libby pulled her hand away and shot me a skeptical look. “Uh. I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

No. She was wrong. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I needed to see him.

“Please. Take me to him. I have to do this. I have to see with my own eyes that he’s dead.”

“I can’t make that decision but I’ll go check with your doctor and psychologist.”

Rising from the bed, she listened to my heart and drew some blood before leaving.

What had come over me? Why did seeing my ex-husband’s lifeless body manifest the first sign of emotion I’d felt in days? Was this part of the healing process? The closure that I needed?

Did I need to see the truth for myself? Or was it just some sadistic part of me that would revel in seeing his shell stripped from any sign of life? Something I had longed to see for years. Had dreamt about.

Would I feel the first signs of joy at staring at him that way? I couldn’t answer that. I’d just wait to see what the outcome of my bizarre request would be. A faint tic in my jaw resembled the early onset of a smile.

Chapter

Thirty-Seven

Dakota

It was seven-thirty before my wish was granted. Kyle had popped in to see me to say goodbye, promising to return the next morning. His hand had gone to touch my face twice and each time he’d dropped it back to his side, holding back on any affection for now, for which I was thankful.

I didn’t mention going down to the morgue, as he’d only worry or want to accompany me and this was something I needed to do alone. Well, apart from my psychologist Donna and nurse Libby. That was the one condition that I was allowed a private viewing of the deceased was if Donna came too. She must have worried I was going to totally go off my rocker to have stayed back after her workday had finished to escort me.

I was in a wheelchair, and as promised, Libby had removed the drip now that I had eaten and been drinking. It made things easier on everyone and meant I could move around without having to take anything else along for the ride.

When we exited the large elevator and stopped outside two double doors, I knew we had arrived.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” asked Libby, giving me the option to back out.

I gasped in a few breaths and squeaked out a quiet, “Yes.”

The room consisted of metal drawers lining one of the long walls, four gurneys in the center, and medical equipment on trolleys next to the gurneys. The smell of bleach stung my nostrils.

And there was something else that hung in the air, hiding beneath the sterile, acidic odor. Death? Or maybe it was more my knowing the room was filled with dead bodies. Either way, I shivered as Libby pushed me down the side wall and stopped towards the end.

My breathing had quickened and I found myself gripping the edges of the chair. This was what I wanted. This was what I needed.

The chair was turned to face the drawers and Libby proceeded to pull on a handle to my left, revealing a long flat surface with a lumpy mound entombed in plastic. John.

Liquid in the form of perspiration trickled down my forehead as I breathed in through my nose and out through my mouth, the way a weight lifter might just before he attempts the ‘clean and jerk.’

“Dakota?” It was Donna who had knelt beside me, watching me for signs of meltdown.

“Hmm?” I was totally focused on the sheathed mound, unable to tear my eyes away for a second.

“Are you ready?”

“Do it!” In my peripheral vision I saw Donna nod to Libby, who proceeded to unzip the body bag away from John’s face.

I was unmoving but vocal as my short pants became throaty grunts as I worked my way through the vision before me.

It may have been Donna’s hand on my arm, I wasn’t sure. I was frozen to the chair. Couldn’t move or pull away if I’d wanted to.

The pale, damaged face with eyes shut and as still as I was, resembled nothing of the creature that had snarled and raged at me days earlier. I blinked and squinted, trying to turn him into the evil bastard that he had been, but all I could conjure up was a pathetic, pitiful man that had lost all his power the moment he’d taken his last breath. All those years I’d thought him bigger, stronger, and better than I and here now, looking at him like this, I knew that wasn’t the case. He was a frail human like the rest of us and that when it all came down to it, he was nothing more than flesh and bones. He would rot and turn into nothing.

I found myself speaking out loud without even meaning to. “You’re not so tough now, are you? Huh? Where’s all that anger gone, Mr. Invincible? Look at you. You look just like the slab of meat that you are. All those years of abuse. For what? This? I wish you were here to see yourself. The real you. The man you should have been instead of the one you became.”

My eyes welled up but I held up my hand when Libby started to zip the body bag up again, seeing that I was the most vocal she’d witnessed.

Donna still had a hold of my arm but now was rubbing it in a gesture of comfort which only an hour ago would have had me hyperventilating. My brain had shifted from defense mode to offense mode.

“I hated you. So much. You filled me with bitterness and resentment. You stole my dignity and made me do things against my will. You weren’t a husband. That wasn’t a title you deserved. I still hate you. But as I sit here saying things to you that I should have said long ago, I realize just what sort of power over me you yielded because I had to wait until you were stiff and cold before I could muster the guts to tell you just how much you fucked me up!”

I was yelling now and heaving from sobs that seemed to stir with my words. My arm flung off the chair, fist clenched so I could punch the life out of him without any fear of retaliation. The first time ever. I managed to get one punch to his cheek, which barely moved his head because of rigor mortis before Donna had me pushed back into the chair with my hands held firmly.

Donna zipped the plastic cover back up, hiding John from me for the final time.

“I hate you. You’re nothing, you sack of shit! Ha. Finally I get the last word, you fucked up asshat!”

Donna had me on the move back to the ward as I still screamed out obscenities, feeling better than I had in ages.

A giggle erupted from my mouth mixed in with my sobbing as I realized just how good it felt to get all that off my chest, knowing that he was the loser in all this. His body had looked so vulnerable for the first time ever that it made me want to fist my hand in the air in triumph. He truly was gone. Karma had finally been dished out.

As we entered my room I said to Donna, “I suppose you’ll give me an extra dose of numbing pills after that little episode?”

She sounded surprised. “Numbing pills?”

“Yeah. The medication you’ve been giving me to suppress my emotions until I deal with everything.”

“I don’t know who told you that you were being given numbing pills. The only thing you’ve been given is sedatives to help you sleep and to keep you calm.”

“But I haven’t been able to feel anything.”

“Why, that’s your body’s way of dealing with this. It shut off your emotions all by itself as a coping mechanism.”

“So you’re not turning me into a zombie?”

Donna laughed for the first time. “Absolutely not. And it would appear my hunch about letting you go to the morgue to get some closure has worked. You needed to voice words that have been suppressed inside of you for too long.”

Suddenly I liked her just a little.

“Do you need help getting back into bed?”

I shook my head. I could do it myself. I pushed myself up and onto the bed and nestled under the covers. Exhaustion took hold and I was out.

Chapter

Thirty-Eight

Dakota

With the new day that dawned came a shift in my awareness. I had slept the night through without sedatives. The trip to the morgue had indeed begun to thaw the frost that had consumed me. It was over. Finally and truly over. The big, bad wolf was dead. He couldn’t hurt me anymore.

While returning to life still scared me, and even though a huge amount of guilt had both its hands wrapped around my throat at putting those I cared about in danger by even being associated with John, a certain weight had been lifted. The weight of fear. I had lived with it for so long that it had become an invisible abscess, slowly leaching its poison into my veins. It would be strange to not have that almost comfortable presence. To have to learn to live without it. Maybe that’s what scared me about moving forward. Learning to become truly happy again. To be honest, even on Sapphire Island, falling in love with Kyle, I don’t think I’d truly given of myself for I had always been trapped in that prison of fear.

I’d been sent down for an x-ray to check my ribs and then returned to my room.

The smell of lupines blanketed me in their aroma and for the briefest of moments I let them carry me away to the day Kyle had bought the beach house. I hadn’t even spent my first night there yet. Hadn’t woken to the sound of the ocean nudging the shore or spent quality time walking from room to room, getting to know my new home.

Kyle and Daniel hadn’t either. I felt like I owed them so much. They didn’t deserve the weight of all my crap. I hoped I would be able to make it up to them.

After breakfast, Donna came in for my second session. I opened up a little more, still keeping my cards fairly close to my chest. We talked about my family back in Australia some more and what I liked to do in my spare time, keeping everything neutral.

At the end of the session she asked how I was feeling after visiting the morgue the previous night.

Seeing my ex-husband laid out on the metal slab had made it all real and final. “It helped, I think. I guess I truly didn’t believe it was all over until Libby pulled that plastic away from his face.”

“What are you feeling now?”

“I know there’s still a long way for me to go but there’s a sense of relief. I just can’t believe he had to be killed to be stopped.”

“He was very ill. Nothing you did could have prevented the outcome. He created his own ending. You were just the pawn in the middle of it all.”

“I know. Still, some part of me feels responsible for turning him into a monster. Could I have been a better wife? Could I have been more attentive or cooked nicer meals? Kept the house cleaner?”

“No. You did everything right. You couldn’t have done anything better. He was unhappy within himself, so no matter what, he was always going to find fault with you. That’s what happens in those types of relationships. You’re made to feel like it’s all your fault when in actual fact it has nothing to do with you. You just happened to be there on the receiving end. When you’re told often enough that you aren’t good enough, you start to believe it. You’ve been brainwashed in a way. We’re going to work on reversing that and getting your mind back to the way it was before you met your ex-husband.”

I wanted that. I wanted to erase everything about him from my life so it was like he’d never existed.

“There are going to be many emotions you experience over the coming weeks but I’m here to help you through them. They are all perfectly normal and are part of the healing process. I’ve spoken to your family members and they’ve agreed to keep me on as your therapist if you agree to it.”

Even if I hated the idea of baring my soul to a stranger, I knew I needed help and would continue to need it for the foreseeable future. If I was going to recover, I couldn’t do it alone. It made sense to keep seeing Donna when she had seen me at my worst.

“Sure. I’d like that.”

She pulled out a card and dropped it on top of the drawers beside the flowers. “Get the nurses to call me any time, day or night, if you need me but I will be back tomorrow. I can’t be too sure, but a little birdy mentioned that you may be getting released tomorrow after our session.”

She smiled. “Relax. You’re ready. You just don’t know it yet.” She turned on her heels and left me to ponder that.

I was far from ready but then maybe ready would never come. It was just another obstacle in my brain that I’d have to overcome.

There was little time to sort through the mess that was still crowding my head because the door opened at the same time my mouth did.

In stepped Kyle with Daniel in tow.

“Hey, beautiful girl. I know I said I’d wait a couple of days until Daniel visited but Mom and Dad drove up this morning to surprise me.”

My eyes trained onto the boy who I’d vowed to take care of and love always. His dark eyes shone brightly with a hint of apprehension, waiting for my welcome.

“Daniel.” He looked just as handsome as ever and stood at nearly the same height as Kyle, who was moving forward on crutches.

My heart squeezed at the sight of him. He walked over to the edge of the bed. “Hello, Dakota. I’m glad to see you’re doing okay. I brought you something.”

His arm came up and in his hand sat Cheryl’s necklace. The one I’d dropped in Kyle’s apartment as a clue to let them know I was in danger. He was returning it to me.

I lay staring at his hand for a minute, acknowledging the significance of the gesture and the fact that Daniel had been thinking of me, and I couldn’t stop the tears as I raised my eyes to meet his.

Seeing that my hands were shaking as I sobbed, he brought the necklace towards my neck, pulling it at both ends, showing me he wanted me to wear it.

Pulling my head off the pillow, I let him fix it around my neck, lifting my quivering hand to touch his arm. It was the first time I’d allowed myself to reach out to someone since being kidnapped.

It felt the right thing to do. He sat on the bed close to me, gently putting both hands around my shoulders and pulling me to him.

“I love you.” His voice cracked as he held onto me for dear life.

I clung to him in return, letting him in as I soaked his shirt with tears at not just the three words that had meant more to me than anything, but at all he represented in my life. Just a child himself, yet an old soul wise beyond his years I’d connected with months ago and who somehow always managed to bring out the best in me. A child whose embrace was pure and without expectation. It didn’t scare me, knowing that Daniel’s embrace held no ulterior motive. It was plain and simple. This was what I needed. For so long, John had always expected something from me, whether it be a cooked meal, sex, housework, or to act as a punching bag, and I was done with the complexity of always trying to live up to something. I didn’t need to with Daniel. I was free to be me.

Kyle stood as a silent bystander, letting us have this time, probably wondering why the sudden change in me. I was letting Daniel in when for the last couple of days I’d pushed Kyle away.

I had so much to tell him about what had instigated that change.

I hugged Daniel hard, and when we pulled apart and I caught Kyle’s gaze, I wasn’t surprised to see a look of both surprise and happiness.

“You must be feeling better,” he offered.

“Yeah. A little better. I slept right through and ate most of my breakfast.” I didn’t want to mention my trip to the morgue in front of Daniel. He didn’t need to know.

I wondered what he thought about the whole kidnapping and how it had ended. Did it bring back memories of his father’s demise? It surely would have, and even though we’d vowed not to discuss it, when I could get him on his own I was going to bring it up and make sure he was okay. I wasn’t sure how much he’d been told. Hopefully only the bare basics.

A male doctor walked into the room, smiling and greeting the three of us. “I’m Doctor Anderson. How’s our patient today?”

“My head is a little clearer today and my ribs aren’t as painful.”

“Good. I’ve come to let you know that you’re allowed home. You’ll be required to visit with your therapist three times a week, that’s one of the conditions of your release, but apart from that, you’ll be free to go. Your x-ray results were good and we’re happy both ribs will heal nicely.”

Daniel and Kyle had wide grins plastered on their faces, joyous at the news. I was still sitting on the fence about being released from the 24 hour care, but it would be nice to return to the new house, and knowing I would be seeing Donna so often helped relieve my anxiety about not coping away from the hospital.

Kyle balanced on his crutches and held out a hand to Doctor Anderson. “Thank you, Doctor, for all you and your staff have done, not only for Dakota, but for myself as well.”

“You’re welcome. We’re glad you’re both on the mend now.”

“Yes, thank you, Doctor,” I added. The staff had been nothing short of amazing and had played a huge part in my slow progress.

“Nothing makes us happier than to see people leave. I’ll organize for your discharge paperwork to be at the nurse’s station for you in the next hour.”

He came over and shook my hand, wishing me well.

It was happening. I was leaving. I was returning home, changed forever. A different me. My scars would heal and I would look the same but I doubted I would ever be the same.