Saving Me (Finding You #3) (18 page)

Chapter

Thirty-Six

Dakota

“Hi. My name is Donna Chadwick. How are you feeling today? Dakota Livingston, isn’t it?”

She knew my name and was merely going through formalities. I knew why she was here. To ‘help’ me cope. The meds were doing an okay job of that so far. I didn’t need some stranger waltzing in to try and get me to bare my soul like I was just another clinical case to add to her repertoire. Already my defenses were up.

“I’m surviving.” Just. I ate and slept. Slept and ate. In no particular order.

“Would you mind if I kept you company for a bit? If you’re up to it.” She smiled, resting her briefcase on the floor while perched on the edge of the bed, maybe in order to make this as casual as possible.

“I guess.” It’s not like I had anything pressing to do, although fatigue was beginning to wrap around me.

“Dakota. That’s a pretty name.”

Please don’t ask. Please don’t ask.
I didn’t think I could handle explaining the origins of my name one more time. Especially not today. She didn’t ask though, for which I was grateful.

“What do you do, Dakota with the pretty name? When you’re not lying in a hospital bed listening to some stoic stranger asking you a ton of questions and trying to make small talk?”

“I write.”

“Wow! That’s so cool. What do you write? Novels?”

I wondered if she was genuinely interested or if this was merely a routine question for all her patients.

“Sort of. My first book was about domestic violence.” Even saying the two words was like swallowing acid.

She didn’t seem fazed by my choice of writing genre as she rolled into her next question. “Was it a personal journey? The book, I mean? Was it about your own experience with domestic abuse?”

I could feel discomfort rising as she subtly probed so I just nodded and looked at the adjacent wall, not wanting to get into it.

She must have seen the hesitation on my face because she swung the conversation in another direction.

“Okay, I heard you grew up in Australia. What was that like? I’ve always wanted to travel there. Is it as nice as everybody says?”

My mind wandered to the nice beaches, warm weather, and easy way of life. “My childhood was great. Sunshine. Friends and my dog.” I couldn’t help the small smile that escaped as an image of taking my dog down to the local beach on hot days played out in front of me. She’d adored running into the ocean after a stick I’d thrown, fetching it, and then bringing it back before shaking water all over me. I still missed her like crazy. We’d been inseparable.”

Snapping to, I caught Donna starting at me as if trying to read me. I let the smile drain from my face and waited on the rest of her inquisition. It didn’t happen.

She rose from the bed, lifted her briefcase, and stood before me. “Well, I think that’s enough for today. It was nice meeting you, Dakota. I’ll be back tomorrow at the same time.”

“Okay.”

It had been easier than I thought. We’d merely chatted for a short time and it was nothing too awful. Not what I’d expected at all. I’d been waiting on the digging and probing into things that I couldn’t discuss but she’d gone very easy on me. Maybe she was just testing the waters. Maybe tomorrow would play to a different tune.

***

Later that day after I’d had a nap and managed to eat a sandwich there arrived two deliveries in the form of flowers.

The first bunch was so huge I could barely see the nurse that carried them in. They were a stunning array of purple/blue lupines that smelled divine. The scent wafted over to me as soon as they passed through the door. The other arrangement was orange calla lilies ranging in hue from pale to fiery. Both sat in square bases covered in colored paper and ribbons.

“It looks like you’ve got a couple of admirers,” enthused the nurse. I didn’t recognize her. She placed an arrangement on either side of the bed on top of each set of metal drawers.

“Would you like the cards that came with them?” she asked.

“Yes, please.” I knew that one lot would be from Kyle but wasn’t sure about the other bunch.

Handing me two envelopes, the nurse left me to read alone.

One envelope carried the strong aroma of the lupines so I decided to open it first. I breathed in the scent, fully letting it soak into my system, relaxing somewhat at its effect.

I tried to dismiss the image of the last envelope I’d opened as my hands began to quake.

Don’t do it. This is not the same. John’s dead. He’s dead.

Ripping the paper away from the card, I recognized the writing and began to read.

Hey Beautiful girl,

I know how much you love lupines, so I had to get them. I hope they brighten your day a little. I love you to the stars and back and I can’t wait to put all this behind us and live the lives we were meant to.

You possess my heart and soul forever. Only you. I miss your smile, your sense of humor and your touch. Most of all, I just miss you. Come back to me, Dakota.

Eternally yours,

Kyle

XXX

I read it three times, trying hard to feel all that I wanted to feel. All that I should have at the heartfelt note. There was a flicker of something but maybe that was guilt about not gushing like I normally would have.

I don’t know which was worse. Feeling everything or feeling nothing. I’d gone from one extreme to the other, and while it was nice to be indifferent to the pain and anxiety that had temporarily been numbed, I wanted to have a better response to the flowers and card.

Kyle wanted me back. He missed me. I missed what we’d had before all this. I wanted to fill the chasm that had cracked and widened so much that I now stood on one side watching him reach for me but not knowing how I was going to make my way over the crevasse.

Placing the card back in its envelope and sitting it beside the beautiful lupines, I opened the second card. It was from Joseph, Cheryl, and Daniel. Short words but sincere.

Dakota,

Wishing you a speedy recovery. Can’t wait to have you back home again.

With much love,

Joseph, Cheryl and Daniel

xoxo

They were all nicer than I deserved. Surely they could see that. I’d dragged them into my pitiful world and had them worry like crazy. I hated that I’d caused them that distress. It wasn’t fair.

Maybe I’d just be better off returning to Australia and leaving the Rutherfords and Daniel in peace. Erase everything and start afresh. They’d understand, surely.

I must have dozed because activity in my room jarred me awake. Lunch was being delivered.

Was I hungry? I wasn’t sure but I’d eat something anyway just because it was expected of me and I wanted the drip out tonight, so I’d have to put in the effort to get nutrients.

Today’s menu consisted of soup, bread roll, chicken salad, and juice. Light food that I could handle.

I thanked the woman who didn’t look like a nurse but more like an orderly and lifted my bed higher using the remote button so I could sit up.

The soup was actually quite tasty. It was pumpkin with a dash of cream on top. It was easy to swallow and soon I found myself breaking apart the bread roll and mopping up the bowl, which helped fill the void in my stomach. I picked at the salad, leaving most of the chicken before washing everything down with the juice. It was the most I’d eaten in days and I was surprisingly pleased with myself.

Hearing the door open, thinking it was someone coming to collect the tray, I was surprised to find it was Kyle. He looked like he’d showered and changed into fresh clothes. He was still sitting in a wheelchair, being pushed by a nurse.

His face was alight with happiness upon seeing me having finished lunch.

“Hey. It’s good to see you eating again.” His eyes then flicked to the bedside drawers. “I see the flowers arrived.”

“Yes. Thank you. They’re beautiful.” I had to look away when I said that for some reason. As if the word ‘beautiful’ coming out of my mouth was blasphemy. Or maybe saying it to Kyle while looking into his eyes would stir something in us both that I wasn’t ready to deal with.

“I’m glad you like them.” He was silent after that but I could still feel him looking at me.

“So what’s up?” I was twisting my fingers together, changing the subject, which was something I was expert at.

“Aren’t I allowed to come visit just because I wanted to see you?” I could hear a fragment of disappointment in his voice but when I looked around I could tell he was feigning it because his bottom lip jutted out in a pout and his face did a poor job at pretending to be hurt.

“Of course. I should be grateful you came.”

“But you’re not?”

“I…I don’t feel anything at the moment. I’m sorry. It’s like everything I’m supposed to feel has been stripped.”

A look of sympathy washed over his face. “I know, angel. It’s really okay. Just let yourself roll with it. The meds they’ve put you on knock your emotions into neutral gear. Don’t try and force yourself to feel anything. You will, when the time is right.”

I hoped he was right. I hated being this way. I hated being a burden. Someone that people felt sorry for. Poor little Dakota. She’s been through so much. Let’s treat her like glass. God, even thinking that, I felt like a bitch.

“I have some news too.” His voice was soft.

“Oh?”

“They’re releasing me tonight instead of tomorrow. I guess they need the bed, but I’m good to go now anyway. Looks like I’m going to be on crutches for a while.”

Crutches. Yeah, I’d been there. Knew what it was like to hobble around with limited movement.

“That’s great, right? I bet you can’t wait to leave.”

“Yes and no. Glad I’ll be out of the hospital but sorry I’ll be leaving you.”

“I’ll be okay. Don’t worry. I’m tough, remember?” That was a lie. The last thing I felt like was tough. Tough had been beaten out of me. Tough had been left back at Big Bear Lake when John had walked into the general store after I’d foolishly thought I’d found freedom and then he’d driven me back to the cabin to reclaim what he had thought was rightfully his.

Kyle’s lips tightened as if he could read my lie. “I’m not going far, though. I’m staying in a motel nearby so I’ll be here to visit you every day until you’re allowed to go home.”

“What about Daniel?”

“He’ll stay with my folks for a couple of days and then I’ll go get him and have him stay with me a couple of nights. He can come visit you if you want.”

I was nervous about seeing anyone. Maybe it was just my screwed up mind at the moment telling me those I loved would see me as different now. I was different but the thought of others looking at me the way I’d seen on both Kyle and Joseph’s faces, knowing what I’d gone through, had me wanting to shun everyone.

“I don’t know if I can.”

“He misses you and really wants to visit.”

Even if I didn’t want loved ones to see me like this, I knew I would have to go through the motions. They cared about me. I should stop being so self-absorbed. If I pushed away those that cherished me I would have no one.

“I guess he can come. Just explain to him that I’m not quite…myself.”

Kyle offered me a dimpled smile. “He’ll just be happy to see you, regardless.”

It felt like years since I’d seen him. So much had happened. Funny how a monumental event could shift and warp time to either drag out excruciatingly or make hours seem like minutes, depending on if the experience was good or bad.

Libby decided to flounce into the room in that instant, eyes like dinner plates when she spotted Kyle in all his handsomeness.

“Well, hello there! I’m Dakota’s nurse, Libby. And you are?” She held out her hand and Kyle shook it, a hint of a smile playing on his lips.

“Nice to meet you, Libby. I’m Kyle, and I was just leaving.” He looked at me with eyebrows raised at the over-zealous nurse.

“Oh, you don’t have to go on my account. I’m just doing my rounds. You’re more than welcome to stay.”

Kyle had already started turning the wheels on his chair as he looked to me. “No. I have a few things to organize before I leave this evening.” Still locking his eyes with mine, he whispered, “I love you. I’ll come back before I leave.”

I nodded and offered him a forced smile. “Okay. Bye.”

When we were alone, Libby wrapped the blood pressure cuff around my arm. “Boy, you hit the jackpot with that one. I’d be keeping him on a tight leash.” She fanned her face as if overcome with heat and I suddenly wondered how she knew Kyle and I were together.

“How do you know that he’s with me?”

She tapped her nose in a gesture of ‘that’s my secret.’ “I have my ways, hon.” Pumping up the cuff, she read my blood pressure. “How are you doing anyway? I see you’ve eaten lunch. That’s good.”