Running Away From Love (17 page)

“Look, Trey,” I said obviously annoyed, “I really don’t want to do this. I don’t know what the hell you want from me!”

He just sat back in his seat and continued to glare at me. I could feel him getting more and more aggravated as I continued to ignore him.

He said “Alright, Jasmine. I know you still love me. I don’t understand why you want to keep playing like you don’t. I hope you understand that I’m man enough to admit my mistakes to you. Yes, how I did you was really fucked up, and I can‘t apologize enough for it. But there isn’t any way that I can’t take any of it back. If I could take it all back believe me I would do it in a heartbeat. But since I can’t I need you to at least try to forgive me.”

              I couldn’t take it anymore I had to get out of there. I grabbed my purse and began to head for the door without saying anything else to him. He hurried and put the money on the table for our bill, and ran after me.

He stopped me outside and said “Why are you always running away from every fucking thing that you don’t want to deal with? Why can’t you be woman enough to face me and the situation? As much as you’re trying to ignore it, there is a situation between us, Jasmine. I mean I’m not trying to put you on the spot. I’m just being honest with you. I’m not the guy who hides what he is feeling anymore. So if I’m not hiding, why are you trying to hide yourself from me? You never hid yourself from me before. I’m not ashamed to yell out I love you! I love you so much. Just please forgive me, and give me another chance.”

He then pulled me into his arms and kissed me. The kiss stole my breath away. It was something that I never felt before with him. I tried to push him off of me, but he just held onto me tighter. I couldn’t remove myself from his grasp. It started to feel good to me, and I even started to kiss him back. I quickly realized what I was doing, and I caught myself before it went too far.

I finally removed myself from his grip and, I yelled “Just stop it, Trey! Just stop! Yes, I do still love you, but I can’t be in love with you anymore. The part of my life where Jasmine and Trey existed is over and done with. I can’t go back. I’m with someone else now.” I took a deep breath, calming myself down. “I mean, sometimes I can barely even look at you without getting angry. Looking at you reminds me of a really fucked up time in my life. For weeks I couldn’t eat, sleep, or just even fucking think. My thoughts were consumed by you day and night. All I did was cry, because my heart ached so badly for you. I used to lay awake at night wishing you would come to me. I yearned for you to wrap your arms around me, and make all the pain I was feeling go away. But as I laid there every night, my wish never came true, and the pain always remained the same. I don’t think you realize how badly you hurt me. It took so much time for me to feel like myself again. And now I’m over the situation you want to just pop back up in my life like nothing ever happened. You want to act like all is forgiven, because you weren’t on the receiving side of the heartbreak. You think that shit is fair to me? Would you be so forgiving if the shoe was on the other foot?”

He backed off and away from me. He stood there looking at me confused. As if he couldn’t understand how I wasn’t giving in. Normally it didn’t take much for me to give in to him. I couldn’t control my emotions anymore, and the tears began to fall freely.

I said thru my tears “Why now, Trey? Why are you trying to reenter my life? I mean I had no clue that you even still cared. I haven’t heard from or seen you in a very long time. I don’t know what it is you want from me. You have the worse timing to pull some shit like this on me.”

As I cried, he pulled me into his arms and wiped the tears away. He then said “I don’t have any ill intentions. I’m saying all of this from the heart. I don’t have any ulterior motives. All I want is you. This is me admitting all of my wrongs, and trying to make it right. This is me confessing I made one of the biggest mistakes by letting you go. If I could, I would get down on one knee right now, and ask you to marry me. But given our current situation you wouldn’t even accept it. Yes, Jasmine maybe I don’t understand the extent to how bad I hurt you. But I’m here right now telling you I’m sorry for all of it. It kills me to know that I hurt you so bad that you don’t even look at me the same anymore. I miss the way you used to look at me, and how your eyes would smile at me. I used to be able to look into your eyes, and just knew how much you loved me. Your eyes tell it all, Jasmine. As I look into your eyes right now I can still see that love lingering there inside of you. But I can also see the hurt as well. I never had to question your love I always knew it was real. You were the only girl who was always genuine with me not matter what. I was foolish for taking all of that for granted. I really don’t know how many other ways I can apologize to you. How can I get you to understand how sorry I am? I did not intentionally do anything hurtful. If you can’t even stand to look at me I guess I don’t have any other choice but to leave you alone. I will give you space if that’s what you want. If you really are happy with him then I wouldn’t want to ruin that for you. I’m sorry for any confusion that I have caused. You really do deserve the best, and if he makes you happy then I respect it. I just wish that I could just get one last chance, so that I can be the man who makes you happy.”

I walked out of his embrace and I stared into his eyes for a minute. I didn’t know what to say, or what to think. I knew he was being honest with me. Apart of me wanted to forgive and forget, and just start all over with him. But the pain he left in my heart was still blocking me from going back. I made up in my mind I didn’t want to give him another chance. I know I had a look of uncertainty written all over me. What I really wanted to do was jump into his arms just to feel his touch again. I wanted him to kiss my lips, and tell me again how much that he loved me over and over again.

I ignored what I was feeling and said “I’m sorry. I just can’t do it. You knew how much I wanted to be with you, Trey, but you were just continued to string me along. You kept me holding on for your own selfish purposes so no one else could have me. It was like you didn’t want me, but you didn’t want any other man to have me either. It’s hard not to think that some of the things you did wasn’t deliberate. You did some real blatant shit in the past Trey.”

His whole demeanor changed after I said that. He was pissed off now. So he yelled at me saying “Are you fucking serious, Jasmine? Yeah, I admit to not being the perfect man, but I’m no dog ass nigga. I wouldn’t fuck with your heart and mind because it seemed like fun. Let’s be very fucking clear I loved you just as much as you loved me. If I didn’t love you do you think we would have lasted as long as we did? I can’t believe you really just said some shit like that to me. Yeah, I fucked it up, but that doesn’t mean I loved you any less. I did some real fucked up shit in the past this is true, but it wasn’t because I wanted to see you hurting and crying.”

He grabbed my hands and pulled me close to him. He just stared into my eyes and begged, “Please forgive me, Jasmine! Do you want me to get on my knees and beg? I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get you back.”

I released my hands from him and I said “You don’t have to do that. Listen I accept your apology. Just forget about it all okay? What happened consider it in the past.”

I rubbed my hand gently across his cheek as I said “I do love you, Trey, but I just can’t be with you in that way. A lot has changed in my life, and I have changed. I’m sure you have changed as well. We just aren’t the same people anymore. We both grew up. I’m not the same Jasmine you once knew, and I know you’re not the same Trey I used to know. I guess our time together has passed. I really did try for the longest time to keep us together, but it didn’t work out in the end. We lost touch, and we clearly both have moved on. Quincy is the man in my life right now. You just need to let me go, Trey.”

He didn’t say anything else to me after that. I guess after that he was feeling defeated, and decided to leave it alone. He just walked away and got inside his truck. I stood there unsure of what this meant. So I followed behind him, and got inside the truck as well. As he drove me home he didn’t even look my way once. I could tell that his heart was broken, and his ego was deeply bruised. I figured he was pretty much done with me at this point. I couldn’t help but wonder was this really what I wanted. Why does it hurt to see Trey and I this way? I sat there silently looking out of the window fighting back my tears.

All that could be heard was Jagged Edge’s
JE Heartbreak
cd playing softly in the background as we drove. I smiled slightly because I turned him into a Jagged Edge fan, and this CD was our CD. One night, after we finished making love, we decided the song “Promise” would be our wedding song. I wondered if he even remembered that. Just as I was thinking about it the song “Promise” began to play. We both looked at each other at the same time once we heard it. At that moment, I knew he still remembered. I could see all the hurt in his eyes, and I know he could see the same in mine as well. But nothing could be done at this point. Jasmine and Trey were over. As we pulled up in front of me and Q’s house I looked around to see if Q was at home. Luckily for me he wasn’t home yet. As Trey stopped the car, he still wouldn’t even look at me.

So I broke the silence as I said “I really hope you don’t think I’m doing all of this out of spite. I wish you could understand my position in all of this. It has not been easy for me dealing with all of this. It’s no secret how I felt about you in the past. I’m just now starting to get my life in order. I’m finally feeling content and happy just living my life. And ever since we seen one another things have gotten out of control. If you want my forgiveness, then you can have it Trey. I tired of feeling the anger I am finally letting all of it go. I am being sincere in saying I forgive you, Trey. I never really gave myself a real chance to get over what happened between us. I just chose to bury it deep down inside of me, and act like it never happened. Seeing and talking to you gave me the closure I needed. I don’t want to stop talking to you. It really does feel good to be able to see, and talk to you like we used to. But in order for us to do that you have to respect that I’m in a relationship with Q. If you can’t respect my relationship with Quincy then we can’t be friends.”

Trey still refused to look my way. He sat there silent for a moment before he spoke saying “It’s funny that you really don’t get it. We can’t just be friends. Let‘s be serious about this, Jasmine. The chemistry between us is way too strong for it to be denied. If I can feel it then I know that you can feel it as well. When you really are in love with a person its damn near impossible to just be their friend and not want more. I want all of you not just a little part that you’re willing to spare. I don’t want any other man in your life but me. That shit makes me fucking sick thinking about him kissing you, touching you, and making love to you. The only man who should be doing those things is me. He may have your body right now, but your heart and mind still belong to me. If I get my hands on your body again, I have no doubt it too would still belong to me. No one can deny and ignore what their heart feels. Believe me I have tried! Obviously it didn’t work because here I am in front of you again. You’re feeling exactly what I’m feeling, but your ass is too busy being stubborn to admit it.”

What he said struck a nerve and pissed me off. I no longer felt bad so I yelled at him angrily, “Are you fucking serious right now? Are you trying to tell me I don’t know how it feels to be friends with someone you love? If I recall, I’ve been there and done that already! I am all too familiar with that whole situation. So don’t talk to me about being friends with someone you love. It’s funny how you didn’t really give a fuck when I was the one in that situation. Now you’re somewhat in the same situation as I was, and you can’t handle it. Well say hello to the fucked up world I was living in! I guess karma finally caught up with your ass!”

I was finished with this conversation. We weren’t getting anywhere but more and more pissed off each other. So I just said goodbye, and got out of his car. He barely let me even close his door before he sped off.

              That man knows he has a God given talent to get under my skin like no other human being on this earth. After reconnecting with Trey again I was flooded with old feelings. I was 50/50 on how I felt after ending the situation that was developing with Trey. But what I did know was that I wanted to give me and Q’s relationship a chance. I didn’t need or want to drag my past into my current relationship. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life wondering what if when it came to Quincy, if I ended our relationship right now. Trey made his decision clear when he removed me from his life. The relationship I’m in now I can see such a great future ahead of us. I want a relationship with a man who I can eventually marry and start a family with. Deep down, I still love Trey, and I may very well always love him. But just because you love someone doesn’t make them the right person to spend the rest of your life with. Q treats me like nothing less than a queen. He has rebuilt a broken Jasmine back up single handedly. With him I feel like nothing could, or ever would come between us. I have nothing at all to complain about with Quincy. Over the time that we’ve been together I have come to love him. It only makes sense to stick by the man who has not let me down, and that man is Quincy.

              As soon as I got into the house I ran a nice hot bubble bath. I lit some candles and turned on music. I just needed to relax and clear my mind. Just as I was beginning to sink down in the bathtub, I heard Q come home. He called out for me. I yelled telling him that I was in the bathroom.