Ruining You (7 page)

My skin crawls when I listen
to her ask the same question again, the one that she has asked me in our
meetings since day one.

“Can we talk about the rape,
Jay?” Dr. Raines asks in hushed tones.

“I’ve told you what
happened. I’ve told the police what happened. I think I’ve talked it to death.
It happened. The end. Well, not for me I guess.” I laugh at my own little joke.
Looking over at Dr. Raines, I notice she looks highly perturbed.

“Jay, laughing doesn’t make
it feel better on the inside. I want to know your thoughts today when you think
about it. Do you still feel the shame you mentioned before?”

Burying my head in my hands,
I shudder as I allow myself to reach into that box hidden deep down within me,
the one that holds my darkest feelings. Before, I could feel the anger
overflowing from it, and yes, the shame would be there too. It’s all still
there but muted. I can look at it closer without it tearing my soul out, and
that’s a first.

I don’t know if Dr. Raines
can read the look of surprise on my face, but I look up and reply, “I was so
ashamed of what happened to me and the thought that I could, somehow, control
it.” I shake my head in response to my own words. I am speaking to myself just
as much as I am speaking to her. “But I couldn’t, could I? I didn’t ask for it.
I sure as hell didn’t want it. That naive girl didn’t know what she was doing,
and she didn’t have any idea what he would do or what he was capable of doing.”

Dr. Raines nods her head.
“Most people think that those in a mentor position, such as a teacher, are
there to guide and protect. Every day, parents send children to school thinking
they are in a safe place. As a child, you are led to believe the same. So when
something like this happens, especially by someone that we empower to protect
our children and in an environment that we feel is a safe place, it’s almost
life-altering. It changes one’s beliefs, and for those it happens to, they have
to learn to dissimilate from the situation.”

“I thought he was my
friend,” I whisper. “That he cared about me….about JT.”

“Do you think that JT would
have blamed you for the rape? That he would have been ashamed of you?”

“No! God, no. I…he...”
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I continue, “It would have destroyed him.
God, it did anyway.” My voice breaks at the end, and tears build. “Was I always
destined to be the one that ruined him? No matter what decision I made?”

“Listen to me, Jay. You
tried to protect those around you in the only way you knew how: silence. When
it came out that night, you already knew how he would react, so what did you
do? You’ve already told me that you tried to stop him. You begged and pleaded,
but you couldn’t control him or the situation any more than the day you were
raped. It was out of your hands. The moment JT decided to let his anger control
his actions is the moment he took his life and the fate of others into his own
hands and out of yours. I know you blame yourself for that also, but look at me
young lady.”

Staring directly into her
eyes, I let the truth of her words wash over and into me.

“You can blame yourself for
many things, but what happened to you and the death of JT is not one of them.
Life is, at times, ugly and unfair. That you harbored all that happened to you
and then still lost what was most precious, is one of the most tragic tales I
have ever known. Jay, the way I see it, the main reason you didn’t tell wasn’t
because of being ashamed, it was to protect those from the hurt and pain of
knowing the truth. You say that you were shutting them out so they wouldn’t
feel your death as deeply, but again, that wasn’t it. You knew the pain and
heartache it would cause. You kept it within yourself.”

Pausing, her eyes look
intently into mine, “You want the truth? Those two years you could have ended
your life, but you didn’t because you wanted to live. You weren’t looking for a
way out, Jay. You were looking for a way back in.”

Tears stream down her face
as we both continue to stare at each other. Finally, she sits forward and
reaches her hand for mine. I allow her to grasp it and look down at them.

“Jay, I wish you could see
what I see: a strong and courageous young lady. One day you may meet her, and
then again, maybe you never will. Either way, what happens from now on, you
have to make peace with your past. Live for those that can’t. The one thing
that you already know is that life goes on.”

She stands and pulls me up
to hug me. Letting go of me, she steps back and looks down. “Things are
changing for you, whether you know it or not. I like this girl that you are
becoming. Allow her to come through to deal with her feelings and find peace.”

Nodding my head, I wipe the tears
from my eyes with my shirt sleeves.

“We’ll talk more next week,
okay?”

“Okay,” I say, and for once,
I mean it. As I walk out the door, Dr. Raines stops me with one last remark.

“Oh and Jay, if you need to
talk with someone, you can’t go wrong with Eli. In fact, I think you will find
that you both have a lot in common.”

Her words puzzle me, but
again I nod and walk out.

Grabbing my jacket out of my
room, I decide to walk outside. I let Tami, one of the nurses, know where I am
going and head for the doors. November in the South is such a beautiful time.
The leaves are vibrant hues of red, orange, and yellow as they hang from the
trees and lie scattered on the ground. The wind catches my hair as I breathe in
the crisp fresh air.

Following one of the trails,
I come to a stone bench and sit down. I draw my knees to my chest and wrap my
arms around them, resting my feet on the edge. Closing my eyes, I think about
what Dr. Raines said. I can’t help blaming myself, but I do understand what she
is saying. Some days, when I allow myself to think about what happened to JT, I
get so damn angry at him. Just to think that I was going to live for him, and
he left me there at the party when I cried and begged him not to go. I hate him
for it, for leaving me. Then, I feel guilty because he did it for me. He’s dead
because of me.

“Hey you.”

Interrupting my thoughts, I
look up to see Eli. I smile and say, “Hey.” He is wearing a pair of black track
pants and matching pullover. A black unmarked baseball cap is pulled low on his
head.

“You want some company?”

“Sure, why not. I can
squelch my bitchy beast for a little while,” I reply with a grin.

He sits down beside me with
his hands in his pullover and crosses his legs out in front of him.

“Everything okay yesterday?
I didn’t see you again afterwards, and you didn’t come to group session last
night.”

“Yeah...I didn’t feel well.
Dr. Gale actually excused me.”

“That guy cracks me up. He’s
a good addition to Lanier Oaks.”

A good addition? He makes it
sound like he’s been here before. “So, this isn’t your first time here?” I see
him grimace as he stares off into the distance.

Sighing, he turns toward me,
“You might say that this is my home away from home.”

What does that mean? I don’t
know if I even want to know, so I don’t ask.

We sit in silence for the
next couple of minutes. I breathe in the air, the calm, the peace, and maybe
the solidarity of having someone beside me. I didn’t know how much I craved
that. For two years, the whole time I was pushing people away, I was actually
yearning not to be alone. I laugh at the irony.

“You’re supposed to laugh
after my joke, not before it. Well, unless you’re laughing at me, then that’s
totally understandable,” he says smiling.

“Definitely not laughing at
you. I find myself the ‘butt’ of the joke, as always. I’m eager to hear this
joke of yours though.”

“Ok, you asked for it. What
did the girl cantaloupe say to the boy cantaloupe?”

“What?”

“We are too young; we ‘can’t
elope!’”

It takes me a second, but I
finally get it. “That’s corny and stupid,” I say but smile because I can’t help
it.

“Wait, I’ve got another one.
What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something
smells!”

A loud chuckle escapes me,
and I shake my head, but the nut keeps on.

“How do you wake up Lady
Gaga? Poker face! If Frosty the Snowman married a vampire what would they name
their child? Frostbite!”

Laughing so hard my stomach
hurts, I look at him. “Stop it, you idiot. Those are so not funny.”

“Who’s the idiot laughing
liking a hyena? Please. You know you like them. Just admit it,” he says
grinning like a jackass.

My face hurts from smiling.
“Please tell me that girls don’t laugh at those jokes. I don’t see you getting
many dates with them. I’m laughing at just how awful they really are.”

“Now you are really hurting
my feelings,” he says with a straight face, “…but you are right. I haven’t
picked up one girl with my joke telling.”

I nudge his arm with my
elbow, “You need to work on your bad jokes.”

“Girl, I’ve got so many for
you. What did the...”

He starts, but I slap my
hand over his mouth before he can finish. “NO! No more jokes. Have some
sympathy for my splitting headache.”

Laughing, he says, “Saved
today, but tomorrow, I’ll have some good ones for you.”

“You know, I just finished
my session with Dr. Raines, and do you want to know what she said to me?”

He looks at me and shrugs.
“Sure.”

“That we, as in you and me,
have a lot in common. She said that you would be a good person for me to talk
to.”

Eli looks at me baffled,
like he’s trying to figure something out. “Well, that’s.... I didn’t think that
you were....or maybe not?”

“You didn’t think that I was
what?”

He is about to answer when
his name is called. Tami is coming towards us.

“Hey Eli, you have a
visitor,” she says.

“Thanks,” he replies. He
redirects his attention back to me. “It’s probably my mom. She is trying to
talk me into coming home for Thanksgiving. Are you going home?”

“No, I’ve already spoken to
my mother about it.”

“Well, maybe we can spend it
together. That is, if you want to?”

“Sure. I was just going to
have a vampire movie marathon. It’s probably not your thing, but you’re welcome
to join me.”

“Are you kidding me? I
actually visited the town where the movie was filmed last year.” His grin is
infectious.

“You did not,” I say,
slapping his arm.

“Ouch, and yes, I did.”
Standing, he looks down at me. “Movie marathon on Thursday. I’ll bring the
popcorn; you bring the drinks. Deal?”

“Deal,” I reply, and he
turns to head back toward the building.

I watch him disappear around
the corner. Eli confuses me. He seems to have himself more mentally together
than anyone I know. During our group sessions, he counsels the crowd just as
much as Dr. Gale, and everyone listens to him. Plus, he is very well-liked. I
catch the girls staring at him constantly. I want to know his story, but at the
same time, I don’t want to push him for it. He is going to demand mine in
return, and I’m not ready for that.

After being around him today
and yesterday, I see that he is not interested in me other than a friend. It’s
a lot like being with Reed or Cal, and I’ve missed that. I figure he must have
a girlfriend back home that he is serious about and misses. My stomach growls,
reminding me it’s lunchtime, so I head back in.

~~~~~~~

The following days and weeks
start to shape my new life and the new me. Eli and I spent Thanksgiving
together watching movies, and it ended with a massive popcorn fight. People are
still finding kernels everywhere in the common area. Who knew that a discussion
about whether it would cooler to be vampire or a werewolf would spark such a
heated debate?

When I’m not with Dr.
Raines, I spend almost all my time with Eli. We talk about everything. Well,
everything except why we’re here and things back home. We’ve skirted around our
stories so much that it’s almost second nature. Despite the fact that we
abstain from sharing such vital details, I still believe that I have grown
closer to him than anyone else in my life right now. Oh, and as for his bad
jokes, they’ve only gotten worse, and he has an arsenal full. He refuses to
stop until I cry for mercy. His family may have him here because they can’t
take anymore. The more I listen to him, the more I believe that could be the
truth.