Ruining You (11 page)

“Kane, you don’t have to say
anything.”

“I know, but I want you to
understand that it brought up a lot of my past that I thought I had dealt with,
and evidently, I hadn’t. Finally, I had to move on to get in a better
mind-frame to deal with all this shit. Not yours, mine. Jay, I will always be
here for you, but my life didn’t stop these last three months. I want to be
honest with you.”

Nodding my head, I have to
glance away. Tears threaten to spill, but I can’t do this to him. It’s not
fair. He deserves better. Locking my emotions down, I look deep into his eyes. “Kane,
I’m glad you have moved on with your life. I just want to tell you how sorry I
am about everything. You’re such a great guy.” Moving closer, I reach for his
right hand and grasp it tight. “In so many ways you did save me, and for that,
I will be forever grateful.”

His eyes never leave mine,
and I can see the resolve deep within them. This was his decision before mine.
Lifting my lips, I close my eyes and inhale him into me, hoping I can retain
his smell for eternity. Gently, I feather my mouth across his cheek. Hearing
his intake of breath, I slowly pull back. 

“Friends?” he asks.

“Friends,” I answer, but my
soul screams otherwise.

Hugging myself and holding
tight to all my emotions, I put a smile on my face and ask, “Do you have time
to eat something while you’re here?”

Looking away, he answers, “I
think I’ll go ahead and go.”

A tremor runs through my
body. Nodding my head, my eyes return to his, “Okay. Kane, it was really good
to see you.” Is this goodbye? Forever?

He places his hands in his
pockets and laughs. “Jay, this isn’t goodbye. Friends remember? I’ll call you
in a couple of days.” He walks to the front door and looks back before closing
it behind him. “Answer your phone.” With that, he is gone.

“What the hell?” I say to
myself.

“You know you deserve that.”

Turning, I look towards
Molly. She stands with her hands on her hips in the corner.

“How much did you hear?”

“Almost all of it. You do
remember how nosy I am, right? Not only that, I was worried about how upset it
might make you when Kane told you why he was leaving.”

“You knew he was dating?”

“Yeah, he told me he wasn’t
going to lie to you even though I asked him not to tell you yet. Obviously, he
didn’t listen.” Holding her hands up, she can tell I’m pissed, “I didn’t want
you to get upset. I didn’t know where your head would be. He said that there
would always be honesty between you guys.” Scrunching up her face, she looks at
me. “He’s a little too good to be true.”

“Yes, he is, and he deserves
someone who has her life together.”

“Maybe. Maybe not. He cares
about you, Jay.”

“Stop. Just stop, Mols. I’m
barely holding myself together right now. Please just let it go.” My head
starts to ache. I want to run to my room, away from her, away from here, but I
can’t. I’ve run enough these past couple of years. Taking a deep breath, I say,
“Listen, let’s go see everyone else.” She gently touches my shoulder as I walk
by.

“I’m sorry. I seem to be the
one making everything worse.”

“No, it’s okay. I wanted him
to move on.” Her eyebrow shoots up, looking unconvinced. “Well, I thought I
wanted him to move on.”

Grinning, she says, “That’s
more like it.”

I stop her before she can
say anything else, “But, I am glad he did.” She looks on with disbelief. “I
need to concentrate on me for now.”

“If you say so girlie, but
just so you know, he is not going anywhere.”

With a wink, she turns and
walks toward the kitchen, and I follow. I don’t know what she means, and
honestly, I can’t think about it. I’ve done the hard, but right, thing and let
him go. I have to believe that to move on.

As I enter the kitchen, I
stop to look at everyone standing around with somber faces. This is crazy. Did
they all think I was going to lose it because he has a date? So much has
changed, but I have to remember that they don’t know what I’m feeling. They
have no clue what I am thinking.

“Who’s hungry?” my mom asks.

Leave it up to my mother to
try and diffuse the situation. The room is silent, and all eyes are on me.
Despite the fact that the mere thought of food makes me nauseas, I come up with
the only thing I can think of to relieve the tension. “I’m starving,” I reply,
grabbing a plate and browsing over the spread on the bar. All at once, the
chatting starts again. We sit around the kitchen eating and talking about
nothing at all. Halfway through the meal, my father walks through the door.
Heading straight for me, he drops his briefcase on the floor and wraps me in
his arms. 

“Jay, thank God you’re
home.”

“Hey Dad.” Nestling my face
into his chest, I feel like a little girl again. It feels so right, but the
thought of him knowing my deepest darkest shame counteracts it. I pull away as
my mind is overcome with negativity. Uncomfortably, I look at him and smile. I
think he knows that our relationship has forever changed, and time will only
tell how, or if, we will be able to mend it.

“Dale, would you like
something to eat?” my mother says, coming to the rescue once again.

Looking around like he is
finally noticing that we have a crowd, he answers, “Sure.”

After we eat and share an
endless round of hugs, everyone leaves. I promise Reed and Molly that they can
come over tomorrow. Cal says he will be by the house at least once a week so I
might as well get used to it. I can’t help but smile. Even now, in his
situation, he is trying to take care of me. Leaning down, I kiss his cheek and
say, “Love you.”

Smiling, he looks up at me,
“Love you girl. I always have.”

With goodbyes over and done,
I finally get to go up to my room. My mother asked early on when I was at
Lanier Oaks if she could redecorate, and I told her yes. Walking in, I am
immediately grateful that she did. The room is a soft brown with teal accents
throughout. It looks girly but grown up. Everything, including the dark cherry
wood furniture, is new. My bathroom is completely remodeled, almost to the
point it is unrecognizable. A large tile shower stands where my bathtub used to
be.

I plop down on the bed and
look around. The party was easier to get through than I anticipated, even after
Kane left for his date. It felt right spending time with everyone, and even
being near Cal was healing. I wish…well...wishing won’t change anything.
Nothing will change what happened. I know moving forward is the only way to
keep my sanity. Hearing the knock at my door, I say, “Come in.”

“Jay, I just went to have
your medicine filled. How do you want to handle this?” my mother asks as she
walks in.

“Handle what?” I reply,
confused by her question.

“Well, do you want to keep
your medicine with you or do you want me to keep it and give it to you each
day?”

“I’m not a child, Mother,” I
retort, but I immediately realize what she is saying. She is worried about me
having the pills. “Mom, I’m not going to do that again.”

Her face falls, aging her.
“How do you know, Jay? I don’t believe I can trust your word right now. The
doctor has you on a couple of different anti-depressants. I’m just worried.
That’s all.”

I guess she has every right
to be, but I have to make her understand. “Mom, I made a promise to Cal that I
would never do that again, and I won’t. I will never go back on that promise.”
She looks at me for several seconds before nodding her head.

“I can understand that,” she
says. Hesitation lingers on her words, and her face is laced in doubt.

“Mom, if you would feel
better dispensing them to me daily, that’s fine.” I have to remember what I
have put them through, and I have to keep trying to rebuild what I destroyed.

“It really would. I’ll just
give them to you every morning. How does that sound?”

Even though I don’t mean it,
I say the thing that would make my mother the happiest. “That’s fine, Mom. By
the way, I love the room.” Her face lights up.

“Really?! I was hoping you
would.” Reaching into her pocket, she hands me a new phone. “I programmed most
of your contacts back in, but other than that, everything is reset. The police
took the other one.” She looks at me, unsure of what to say next.

“Thanks,” I reply, looking
down at it.

“We will find our way
through this, Jay.” Hugging me, she pulls back and starts to walk out of my
room but turns at the last minute. “Uh, Jay, You also had a prescription for
birth control from before, and I went ahead and had it filled as well.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

She nods her head and walks
out. I don’t plan on needing it, but I’ll feel better taking it.

Closing my eyes, I lie back
on my new comforter. My thoughts go to Kane and the heartache that threatens to
consume me. It’s over and done. I need to find a way to live. Love may come
later with someone else, but right now, I will mourn what could have been.

Grabbing my phone, I go to
my iTunes store and purchase the song that reminds me most of Kane. It was
playing at O’Malley’s the first time I saw him. I close my eyes and let the
soft melody and haunting lyrics wash over me. He came into my life right when I
needed a reason to live. Maybe fate brought him there, or maybe it was destiny
or random chance. Maybe he was right when he said that our tortured souls
recognized one another. I really don’t know, but I have to believe there was a
bigger reason. With tears in my eyes and pain demolishing my heart, I drift to
sleep.

“Wake up, baby.”

I hear his voice calling to
me, and my heart plummets. Closing my eyes tighter, I tell myself not to open
them. I can tell that I’m lying down, and I’m afraid to see exactly where I am.

“Jay, it’s okay. Open your
eyes.”

JT’s voice sounds weird,
almost off. Something is different. Opening my eyes, I see him leaning over me
on my bed. We’re in my old room. Shiny blue eyes look down at me, and his thick
dark hair hangs slightly. Grinning, he brushes the hair away from my face. How
cruel can God be by letting me feel him?

“You’re not real,” I say to
him.

“I know, but maybe you need
me.”

A short burst of laughter
escapes me. Turning to lay towards him, I look deep into his eyes. “My own
personal dream-love-slave?” I ask jokingly, but it isn’t the only thing that
comes to mind. The anger rises within me. I am furious at him for not listening
to me that night, and for Cal.

Laughing, he replies, “If
that’s what you need. You know I wouldn’t have a problem with that. It has to
be better than those nightmares you have.....ouch.”

I slap him across the face
before he is able to finish. Rising above him, I push him onto his back against
mattress and start pummeling him with my fists. He tries to block my hits and
throws his hands up to cover himself.

“Damn it. Stop!”

“I hate you for not
listening! I hate you for letting anger drive you to your grave! What about
Cal?! I was going to get my life back. Damn you!” My anger turns quickly to
sadness and grief. Sobs rack my body.

“You can’t hate a dead guy,
Jay.”

“I have to move on, JT. My
life didn’t end that night, as much as I wanted it to.”

“Do you think I would
begrudge you for that in real life? Moving on?”

Flopping onto my back, I
sling my arm to cover my eyes and answer, “No. Yes. I don’t know. Your voice
sounds funny. I think I’m forgetting what you sounded like. It’s only been
three months. How could I do that?”

“It’s okay, Jay. It’s okay.”

I wake up with his words
lingering in my mind. Is it okay to move on? What is the alternative? Joining
him is not an option anymore. I will live
.