Ruining You (2 page)

“Jay,
we’ve talked about this. You have to form connections with people. It’s the
only way you’ll be able to move forward. All you have to do is let people in.
Have you made any friends while you have been here?”

Looking
up again at her, I slightly lift my shoulders and say, “I’ve talked with a
couple of the girls after group sessions.”

“That’s
good. The more social interaction you have while you’re here, the easier it
will be when you go home. Sunday visitation is coming up. I understand that
JT’s mother is still requesting to visit you. You need to talk with her. Your
mother and I have both told you that she doesn’t blame you. She wants to speak
with you to explain her feelings.”

I
firmly shake my head back and forth.

“This
is part of your recovery, Jay. You have to come to grips with your past or the
actions that led you here can always repeat themselves. Do you understand what
I’m saying? You can’t run from it, and you can’t hide. Facing it head-on is
your only course of action. This is not your guilt to bear.”

Tears
well up in my eyes as I feel my throat tighten, and it’s hard to swallow. JT’s
smiling image passes behind my closed eyes. For a second, my heart comes to a
painful halt, and my stomach clinches from the gut-wrenching physical pain of
his loss. Everyday feels like that last day with him, and I relive the
agonizing torment that I felt as I stood in the field beside the road and saw
his lifeless body lying in the grass. A part of me still remains there, forever
frozen at that intersection.

Fighting
back the tears, I rub my eyes and look up at her, “I know the role that I
played regarding his death. That is something I will live with for the rest of
my life. Time will not erase those last minutes I had with him. They were not
happy moments, Dr. Raines. They were forever soul-changing. I don’t know what
Mrs. Higgins could possibly say that would make me feel any different.”

“Maybe
it’s Mrs. Higgins who would heal from talking to you, Jay. Have you thought
about that? She is a grieving mother, and this might be her only release.”

Nodding
towards the pictures of her sons on the wall, I ask, “Say that one day you lose
one of your sons because of decisions a girl made. Their death could have been
prevented had she stayed away or told the truth from the beginning. Could you
really forgive her?” I already know my answer; I would hate her.

“I
would like to think that, after looking at the entire situation, I would
understand she wasn’t at fault, and that I would cast blame where it was due.
It wouldn’t be at her feet, Jay. Keep in mind, I have spoken with Mrs. Higgins,
and she doesn’t hold you responsible. Today is just Wednesday. You have a
couple days to decide. Anything else you want to talk about before we end
today’s session?”

“No.”

“It
takes time, and thank goodness you have it, Jay. You’re lucky for that. Every
day is a new start and a new beginning. Always remember to treat it like a
gift.” She stands up and turns toward the door to open it.

Standing,
I follow her as she turns back towards me.

“Try
to connect with other patients this week. My door is always open if you need
me.”

Swiftly,
I shuffle past her saying, “I will,” and head to my room.

Walking
down the hallway, a couple of girls and guys try to talk to me as I pass by,
but I keep walking. Some things never change. When I reach my room, I close the
door behind me. Rushing to my bed, I fling myself on top of the covers and bury
my head deep in the pillow. I will the tears back and force all thoughts out of
my head. If I don’t, memories of JT and Cal bombard me, and I can’t let those
memories surface.

My
head pounds like a steel drum as I lie there. The memories press forward in my
mind. I try to push them back, but they come anyway. Flashes of red play
through my mind while the sound of an ambulance blares in my head. I remember
bits and pieces of waking up as they brought me to the hospital. I fought them,
screamed, and prayed they would just let me go forever. My next memory is of
waking up the next day and hearing voices. The last time I saw him plays over
and over in my mind. I hear Kane’s raspy voice, whispering hauntingly beautiful
words in my ear.

“You
can’t wake a girl that pretends to sleep.” 

My
eyes open directly to his.  I try to speak, but my throat feels like someone
has set fire to it. 

“That’s
what happens when they have to put a tube down your throat to empty your
stomach.”  His hoarse voice says, as he grabs a glass of water on the table.

Leaning
it towards me, he holds the straw to my mouth.  I can only swallow a little
bit.  Clearing my throat, I try to talk again.

“Leave,
I’m not going to be here long.”  Looking at me, he knows what I mean.

“You’re
not going to be in the hospital long or you’re not going to be on this earth
long?”  I glare at him and shake my head.

Kane
places my glass of water on the table.  Leaning back down over my hospital bed,
he grips the rails on either side and lowers his face close to mine.

“You
listen to me, I’m not leaving you.  Not for a second.  Do you really think I
will let myself lose another friend?”

“I’m
not your friend,” I whisper.

“Your
right, Jay, you’re not my friend.  You are so much more to me and these past
couple of days didn’t change that.  So we’ll get through this together or we
will not get through it at all.”

I
shake my head at him and say, “I don’t want you here.”

He
kisses my cheek and whispers back, “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Damn,”
I say, leaning up in my bed. I haven’t seen Kane since that last conversation.
After that day, I was hospitalized for psychiatric evaluation and not allowed
to see anyone for seventy-two hours. Then, I willingly opted to be transferred
to Lanier Oaks, a rehabilitation center about an hour away from home.

I’m
in the young adult division which houses about nine girls and ten guys
recovering from alcohol and drugs along with us “crazies”. The daily 5 P.M.
group sessions are very interesting. Dr. Gale facilitates, and he’s okay I
guess. He and I are fine until he tries to press me to talk, and that’s when
the stand-off begins. He insists that I share, and I silently look at him like
he’s the crazy one. Win, win!

Glancing
around the room, I realize just how small it is compared to my room at home. At
least it’s private. I have a small twin size wooden bed with a matching desk
and chair. On the top of my desk lay letters folded neatly on top of one
another. Some are from Kane, and others are from Molly and my parents. The
letter on the bottom of the stack is unsigned, but it instantly changed my
path.

Rising
from the bed, I walk over to the desk and sit down. My fingertips glide over
the tops of the letters, feeling the smoothness of the paper and the ridges
where the words were carefully inscribed. It feels like I have read them each a
million times. Their words take my mind far away from here.

I
reach for the first one Kane wrote to me and gently unfold it. I can still see
him so clearly in my mind - his dark shaved head, shiny green eyes, and those
two dimples beautifully carved into his face moments before he kissed me.
Closing my eyes, I can still feel his tattooed arms, thick from roped muscle,
as he held me tight. I swear I can smell him and his spiced exotic cologne from
deep within the paper. I open my eyes and glance down at his handwriting. It is
rather neat for a guy; it must have taken him forever. I devour the words that
he wrote to me during our first week apart.

Jay,

Well,
it’s been a week since I last saw you. I know things weren’t left how I would
have wanted them to be, so your Mom said I could write you this letter. To be
honest, I don’t think I have ever written a letter to anyone before. Except for
this one love letter in elementary school that I’m pretty sure only said, “Do
you like me: circle yes or no”. That was much easier to write than this.

Asking
you how you are doing would only make me sound like an idiot. I just wish that
I could talk to you one more time. I want to tell you how happy I am that you
are still here…ON THIS FUCKING EARTH. With me. Damn Jay, you scared the shit
out of me. I keep telling myself that you’re here, even if I can’t see you or
talk to you. You’re here, and that is all that matters. You just have to take
each day a little at a time and eventually everything will come together.

I
don’t think I ever told you about this one time, when I was younger, Cole and I
used to go swimming in this pond on our land every summer. One hot afternoon,
we headed down to the pond and both jumped in, fully clothed. We were just a
couple kids trying to cool off from the summer heat. I remember swimming out to
the middle and diving down, but when I touched the bottom and tried to come up,
my shoe got caught on something. Of course, I immediately panicked, and like a
little dumbass, let all my air out as I fought harder to free myself. Seconds
seemed like hours, but finally, just when I was about to pass out, I felt Cole
grab my hand and tug me upward pulling my foot lose from my shoe. I will never
forget the moment when my head broke the water line and my lungs filled with
air. Cole’s hand still tightly gripped mine, and I knew, that for the rest of
my life, someone would always “have my back.”

Jay...this
is me letting you know that, no matter what, I’ve got you. I’m not going
anywhere. This is me gripping your hand and pulling you out. Damn, that sounds
corny, but it’s true. I could explain it better in person, but this is all I
get for now. I wish I could just see you and tell you this. I’ve thought about
everything that’s happened, and I want you to know that I’ll be here, no matter
what.

I
know you’re where you need to be, but hell, I just want to see you. So figure
you out and I’ll be waiting.

Love
You...Kane

I
am numb from all the emotion I should be feeling. Folding the letter, I lay it
back down on the desk as his words run through my mind. I grab the next one
from him, unfold it, and continue.

Jay,

It’s
been two weeks since I wrote that last letter. I know your mom and dad have
both heard from you, and you’re alive, so that’s good, but they are my only
link to you. I guess I thought I would hear back from you. Ok, if you are not
ready to write to me yet, I get it. Really....Fuck...no, I don’t. Life is
moving on, but yet I can’t. I call your mom and Molly all the time, trying to
find out about you.

My
head is fucked up. It’s almost like reliving Matt’s death again. Except you
didn’t die, thank God for that, but I don’t know how to quit worrying. To think
about if you get a second chance, not at life, but at whatever is in that head
of yours. I doubt myself, my thoughts, and my actions, and I wonder where the
hell I am supposed to go from here. Shit, I’ll probably never send this letter
with your mom.

I
remember that beautiful lost girl that was sitting at the bar that fall day
when I walked through the doors. Your dark hair caught my eye first because,
well, you were wrong about blondes. It’s the brunettes that get me,
every
damn time
, but it’s those sad grey eyes that grabbed me around the throat
and wouldn’t let go. Those stormy eyes that stole my breath in that first
moment I turned toward you. I think I covered my reaction pretty well, but
yeah, you took away the very air I breathe as I watched those eyes devour me
from head to toe. My body still reacts thinking how your gaze traveled down,
back up, and then they landed on me looking back, unashamed. I ask myself every
day if the sadness in your soul recognized the hell mine had been through.

Shit,
that sounds fucking crazy, but well, I feel like a crazy-fucker these days.
Your piss and vinegar attitude turned me on instead of off. I saw the sweet
girl trying to be the mean girl underneath. I'm a sucker for the sweet tough
ones. I never would have guessed that I could fall for someone as fast as I did
for you, and when I say fall, I don’t mean that “love at first sight” shit. I
mean, LIKE you. I was drawn to you, and I just wanted to be around you. I just
wanted to be with you, to hear your voice. I just wanted to see where all our
shit could go, but too many things were stacked against us.

I
started putting your shit together long before you think I did. Pieces kept
falling in place, but damn, I didn’t know what to say or what to do. Then one
night, I learn what your future plans are (or lack thereof) and the next, you
and I are over. It all happened way too fucking fast, and even after everything
I thought I knew came out, the reality was so much worse.

God,
when I got that call from Jill, it broke me. For you, it broke me, because as
mad as hell as I was at you for picking JT, I didn’t want any of that to
happen. My first thought was that you would need me, and I never second guessed
that. Yeah, I get that you probably didn’t want me there at the hospital, but
damn it, I know you needed me. BUT now, I don’t know. Do you need me or even
want me around? I’m second guessing what I’m doing with you now. I’m here for
you, that’s not going to change, but my life can’t stay in pause.