Ruining You (4 page)

I really don’t have time to
deal with him. Leaning towards him I whisper, “Sorry, call me ‘crazy’, but I
really don’t believe this is an appropriate place to ‘pick up girls.’ Well, you
know, with ‘crazy’ being the operative term here. I’m so not interested.”

His forehead bunches up as
he looks at me. With a little laugh, he shakes his head and says, “Uh, I was
just going to introduce myself, but since you seem to think you’re God’s gift
to guys, I’ll move out of the way so someone else can kiss your ass.”

He turns to leave the room,
and once he exits, his laugh echoes down the hallway behind him. Momentarily
stunned, I stand with my eyes fixed on the doorway, and all I can do is shake
my head. Who the hell does he think he is? He’s the one with the staring
problem. Ugh!

When Sunday’s visitation
rolls around, my mother visits by herself again. I requested that Mrs. Higgins
not come.

“Hey, honey,” I hear as my mother,
loaded down with bags, hugs me upon entering my room. “I’ve brought you some
new yoga pants and t-shirts,” she says as she lays everything on my bed.
Turning around, she grabs me for another swift hug and kisses both cheeks. She
releases me and pulls back to look into my eyes. “If you lose any more weight,
Jay, you are going to blow away.”

I smile innocently and
reply, “Mom, you know the suicide watch diet is the latest rage.”

“Not funny, Jay. Not funny
at all,” she says, looking at me like I’m deranged. Maybe I am. I know what she
is going to say next, and the words make me cringe. I let out a loud sigh.

“Sorry your dad couldn’t
visit today. He sends his love and will call this week, but he had a flight out
this morning. The business has been so busy with the amount of T.V. shows and
movies coming to Georgia recently. Your dad is even thinking about hiring
another pilot to help out. You’ll never believe who he had to fly in last week.
You know those kids from the vampire show that films here locally? They are
here working on stuff for the upcoming season. He said they were such a nice
group.”

My parents own and operate a
small airfield that caters to the rich and famous, and they are both licensed
pilots. My dad just hired extra help so my mother can stay home with me. He
isn’t handling me being here very well. In fact, he’s only visited twice since
I signed myself in. It doesn’t bother me that he hasn’t visited much; however,
his silence is killing me.

“It’s okay, Mom. I know he
is busy.”

My mother sits down on the
bed and begins to pull everything out of the bags. She has included new bras,
panties, and socks. Focused on the plethora of undergarments, she softly beings
to speak. “I wish you didn’t need any of this, Jay. I am so ready for you to come
home.” Tears fill her eyes as she looks up at me, and her voice quivers. “Don’t
you think you’ve been here long enough? Next week is Thanksgiving, and I would
really like for you to celebrate with us at home.”

I walk towards the window
and watch the wind blow the multi-colored leaves off the trees. My chest begins
to tighten, and I instantly start counting in my head to slow my breathing.
Tears swim in my eyes, blurring my vision, as I lean my head against the window
pane. The cold glass chills my forehead, and I feel the weight of my mother’s
hand on the small of my back.

“If here is where you need
to be, Jay, I understand. Your father, nor myself, want to rush you. We just
miss you.”

“Well, I missed you for
years when I was home alone. Did you miss me then? While you were off taking
care of others, I was at home wishing I was dead and planning a way to make it
happen. Where were you then?”

Her swift intake of breath
destroys me, but her hand stays, like an anchor, on my back. I don’t know if
she is holding me from drifting further away or steadying herself. Anger rises
within me. I can’t control it, and I want to hurt anyone and everyone around
me. I want to make them hurt like I hurt. This is why I stay away from people;
I am physically unable to restrain myself. It’s eating me alive, and I can do
nothing to stop it.

“I am so sorry, Jay. I was
so excited to start the business with your father. You know, I met him when I
was working as an airline steward. After you were born, I stayed home, but when
you started school, I didn’t know what to do with myself. Your father
encouraged me to get my pilot license, and when the opportunity came to start
our own business, I was like a kid in a candy store. Every dream I ever had was
so close, but I had to make a decision. You were always like a little adult,
and I guess it was because we treated you like one. At first, your grandmother
would stay with you when we had overnight trips, but when you turned sixteen,
we thought you would be okay. We asked you, but I think we were blinded by our
own dreams.”

Her voice breaks, and a sob
escapes her. A tremor goes through my body. I didn’t realize how mad I was at
her until this moment. Pain washes over me in waves. I grit my teeth as it
violently tugs at my heart, trying its best to rip it from my chest.
Anger-laced tears stream down my face.

My voice is barely a
whisper, but the words seep out from deep within. “I needed you. I just needed
you.”

Wrapping her hands around my
waist, she pulls me close. “I am so sorry, Jay. We were thinking only of
ourselves. In our defense, we were working our asses off to get that business
up and running, and it took so much time just to keep it going. We knew
something happened, but we never imagined it was this. Maybe we were fools,
Jay, in thinking our little world was perfect when, in reality, our main reason
for living was trying to plan a way out of it.”

Listening to her speak, I
feel much of my anger recede. We haven’t talked about much of anything since
I’ve been here. I turn and wrap my arms around her.

“I’m sorry; I shouldn’t have
said those things.” My voice cracks as I reply.

“Yes, you should. You need
to get all of this off your chest. I’ve been begging you to tell me how you
feel. Jay, I wish I could change everything. I wish I could give your innocence
back and return those that you love, but I can’t. I can only start over and try
to be the mother I always thought I was. I chose my career over you. There. I
said it. It’s not pretty, and I’m not proud of it, but it’s the truth. Can you
forgive me, Jay?”

Nodding my head, I sniffle
and nuzzle into her neck. Her scent fills my nostrils, and memories flood my
mind. As a child, I thought my mother was the most beautiful woman in the
world. I can remember her baking cookies with me, bandaging my cuts, and
ordering late night pizza when Molly and I would cry over our most recent
heartbreaks. Deep down, I have always known that she loves me, but somewhere
along the way, I grew to accept that I came second to what was important to
her. 

I’m not sure how long we
stayed that way, but eventually, my heart slows, and the hate that burned wild
inside me settles to embers. Her hair that was gathered under my cheek is wet,
and I’m not sure if it was from her tears or mine. Pulling my head away and looking
into her glassy red eyes, I smile. For the first time in years, it was genuine,
and my heart feels a little lighter.

Cupping my cheek in her
hand, she whispers, “I truly am sorry, and I just want us to move forward,
together.”

“I love you, Mom. I want
that also, but right now, I’m not ready to come home. Not yet.”

“Okay, when you’re ready,
but just promise me that you are getting what you need here. Promise me that
you are really trying to fix you.”

“I am. I just need a little
more time.” Pulling away, I walk over to my bed and gather the clothes to put
them in the dresser.

“So, do you want to hear
about anyone from home?”

“No, we’ve been through
this. I don’t want to talk to or hear about anyone. However, if you will, talk
to Mrs. Higgins and tell her that as soon as I leave here, she will be one of
the first people I visit. I just don’t want to see anyone right now.”

“I’ll talk to her Jay. She
has been really insistent to see you, but I think I can handle it.”

Later, my mother and I go
for a walk outside. Side by side, we stroll around the grounds until finally
arriving back at the entrance. 

“Okay, Jay. I know you said
that I can only visit every other week, but since next week is Thanksgiving,
can you make an exception?”

“Mom, I love you, and it’s
not that I don’t want to see you. I just need a little more time alone to
figure things out. I will be sure to call you on Thanksgiving. I promise.”
Without giving her an opportunity to respond, I hug her and kiss her cheek.
“Have a safe trip home.” With that, I turn and walk back inside to my somewhat
solitary existence.

Before falling asleep, my
thoughts run through different scenarios of what I could have said to my mom.
Perhaps I should have accompanied the harsh and hurtful words that burn from my
molten core with telling her how proud I am of what her and my father have
accomplished. I know that they want the best for me and that they love me, but
I don’t know how to express it to her. I drift off to sleep, wishing I could
feel close to her again, to anyone again.

Standing on the grassy banks
of the lake, I peer out over the water as the sun turns it different shades of
amber and gold. The breeze gently picks up my hair and covers my face with its
tendrils. Suddenly, strong arms are around my waist, pulling me back against a
solid male body. Chills run down my spine as his mouth nestles into my neck.

“Why do you taste so damn
good?” his voice whispers into my ear.

My heart halts, its rhythm
non-existent, as I wait for the pain this dream will ultimately inflict upon
me. I know he isn’t real, and I know he is gone. Knowing these things makes my
dream world much more special; however, it also makes it that much more
painful. I’d almost rather have my nightmares than to deal with this.

“Baby, we don’t have long
together. Turn around and kiss me like you mean it.”

“JT, I can’t. This is just a
dream. Tomorrow I will wake up and have to relive it all again, and trust me
when I say that I don’t want to. I can’t.” I break away from his hold and walk
closer to the waterline.

“Jay,” he sighs, “baby, it
doesn’t have to be this way. If it’s just a dream, then we should enjoy being
together.” Walking up to me, he grabs my hand and tries to turn me around. I
resist.

“No, JT. I really don’t want
to see you. It hurts too much when I wake up, knowing I’ll never see you again.
These stolen dreams aren’t worth the pain I will not be able to escape
tomorrow. Please just go.”

“Where, Jay? Where do you
want me to go? If I’m just your imagination, where do I fit in your life now?”
His voice is low.

I can’t help it. Turning to
face him, I gasp at what I see. The face of the fairytale prince that I have
loved forever hasn’t changed a bit. His thick black hair and sapphire eyes are
just as I remember them. His smile is the only thing that’s different. It’s
serene, almost peaceful. He has on his standard attire of blue jeans and a
t-shirt with our school logo.

Throwing myself into him, I
tightly wrap my arms around his neck. This dream feels so real. I can even feel
his chuckle as it shakes his chest.

“Girl, are you ever going to
figure out what you want? Push me away, pull me back. You give a guy whiplash,
even if he’s only a figment of your crazy mind.”

Looking into his eyes, it
all feels so real, but I know if I give in and let the dream become reality, it
will only hurt more when I awaken. “You’re dead,” I sob, burying my head into
his chest.

“But not forgotten, Jay. I
know you’ll never forget me.” Pulling away from me, he smiles down and lets me
go.

“That’s what I’m afraid of.
I’m afraid I will never be able to move forward unless I let you go, and
honestly, I don’t have a clue where to start. It’s my fault, JT. It’s entirely
my fault.”

Shaking his head, he turns
to walk away. I fall to my knees and bow my head. Tears flow from my eyes and
saturate the earth beneath me.

I open my eyes, and my heart
starts again. I’m back in the land of the living and my personal hell-on-earth.