Resolution (Saviour) (6 page)

Jo is standing staring at us with her hair dripping wet and a towel wrapped around her.
“Are you right in the head? You two really are made for each other. Lauren, play nice, Gabe, if I find out you fucked that blonde whorebag, I will deck you myself darl. Now the pair of you, sort your shit out please and don’t bleed or have sex on my carpet.”

And he winks… He winks and smiles at me when Jo says the word sex
. The bang on the head has obviously wobbled something loose. He thinks he can make everything better with sex, if only life were that simple.

Jo
turns and leaves us. I wipe my angry tears away with the back of my left hand and go into the kitchen and run my right hand under the cold tap. It's just a little swollen and doesn't hurt hardly at all now.

I feel him
behind me, before I can speak, he says, “Lauren, let’s get some ice on that.”

I finally look up into his baby
blues and yes it truly is as painful as I feared, but there is one thing I have learnt about myself these past weeks, I'm stronger than I ever imagined, and I call on everything I have to get the words needed out of my mouth.

“
Don't you dare touch me; it will take a lot more than ice to put this right Gabe.”

“
Stop being a martyr Lauren, that needs looking at, it must be painful.”

“
Gabe. You know what, you're right; my hand hurt. But it's not hurting anywhere near as much as my heart is right now, you let me down. You, the person who has spent the past weeks convincing me to trust you, telling me you would protect me and these past days telling me how much you love me. When the first big test came, you were gone, you left me alone in a house, where just the night before, I was assaulted, you left me there on my own, you didn't tell me where you were going and you didn't find out during the rest of the day if I was okay. You went off without a second thought and did your own thing. Then you came home with another woman, covered in her lipstick and so fucking blind drunk that you couldn't even stand up. You let me down. So please don't touch me, please don't talk to me or show concern for me, it's too late, I would just like you to go, I will arrange to pick up my stuff over the next couple of days.”

I don’t mean it, I don’t want him to go anywhere but he has broken my heart and right now this is about survival, I need him to go so that I can get my head around it all, I need to find out the truth and I need
. No – I want to make him suffer like I am and if that means I have to suffer a little bit more, then so be it, I’m a woman right? We have cutting our nose off to spite our face down to a fine art.

I turn and grab a tea towel and get a glass full of ice from the dispenser and tip it onto the tea towel and despi
te the pain I use both hands to tie the corners together and gently lay my homemade ice pack on top of my hand. All the while I can feel his eyes on me. I finally pluck up the courage to turn and face him, he looks terrible. But still totally hot and gorgeous and sexy. My heart melts just like the ice on my hand. Just a very little. He is staring at the floor, he has no shoes on and he is tracing an invisible pattern onto the tiles with his toes. He looks up at me and instantly takes my breath away, he has two days stubble on his jaw and I so want to run my tongue over it, right into that dimple on his chin. I blink a couple of times to try and clear that thought from my mind. He has dark circles under his eyes and he looks drained. Serves him bloody right. Hope he still has a hangover from hell. Hope he's suffering and continues to all day. Yeah, I'm a bitch... And???

“
I'm so ashamed Lauren. I fucked up big time. I am so sorry, I love you and I want to make this right, what can I do, how do I make this better?”

“
Tell me the truth Gabe, did you fuck her?”

He looks down at the floor and his hand comes up to his hair and he g
rips it. What’s left of my heart stops in my chest. The cold from the ice on my hand travels through my body, through my veins. I have to swallow down the cry of pain that wants to escape from my mouth and I think my legs are going to give way. He's going to say yes.

He brings his eyes back up to meet mine and says on a sob
, “I don't know, I was so drunk I can't remember.”

He sobs and tears roll down his cheeks, my hand
goes to my mouth as I let out the sound that I'm now not even sure is coming from me. He drops down onto his knees and grabs hold of my hips, pushing his face against the bottom of my tummy.

“
I'm so sorry Lauren. I don't want to lie to you, please, I'm so sorry.”

I have to twist away from him as I lean over the sink and throw up. He stands and rubs my back and again I want him
. I want his arms around me, I want all of this to go away, but for now, I just need him to go away.

I splash my face with water and rinse my mouth, I'm shaking badly
, “Please go Gabe, leave now.”

“
Lauren, no, please listen to me, no lies, no secrets. I don’t want to ever lie to you, I don't know what happened, maybe nothing, I don't know. I want us to always be honest with each other, that's why I'm telling you. I don't know what happened. I don't remember anything, I am so sorry and ashamed, don't do this, please.”

“
Go... Just go Gabe.”

“
No Lauren, no, don't fucking do this, please.”

I'm gripping the edge of the sink. Afraid to move too far away from it
in case I vomit again and because my legs feel like jelly and it's helping to hold me up, but mostly because if I keep hold of the sink, I can't reach out to him. And that's all that I really want to do, he looks so sad, so desperate, I just want to make it better for him, tell him it's okay, I forgive him, I still love him. I want to wrap my arms and legs around him and breathe him in. I want to feel that stubble on my cheek, up the inside of my thigh, all the way to the tops of my legs, but I can’t do that, why would I? I’ve left a twenty five year marriage behind because of my husband’s bad behaviour, why on earth would I walk straight into a relationship with someone else that didn’t treat me right? Leaving Jay was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life and I would be fucked if I had gone through all of that to end up with someone that cheated on me at the first sign of trouble, I deserve better. But I want him, ashamed as I am to admit it, I’m finding it harder to stay away from Gabe, after knowing him for just a few short weeks, than I have my husband, who I have known over half my life. I close my eyes and blank out these thoughts and feelings. As I open them, I'm aware of him pacing back and forth across the tiles.

“
You said no Lauren, you rejected me, I didn't know how that felt. I've never.... No one, no woman has ever said no to me before, I panicked, and I thought I was going to lose you. I don't handle losing people well. I jumped into the car and drove up to Arthur's Seat and just looked out across the bay, I was trying to think of a way to show you, to prove to you, that you are my forever. I don't want you to ever doubt how much you mean to me, how much I love and need you. I can't get my head around all of this, it's so fucking weird to me and yet it feels absolutely right, so perfect, when we’re together, it all makes sense, I don’t know how to explain it. This isn't bullshit Lauren. I can't put into words how I feel about you, whatever I say, however many times I try to tell you, you never seem to believe me, I was trying to think of a way to get through to you, to make you realise. So that's when I thought of it, when I knew what I could do! I have a mate; he works out towards the city. So I went to see him and he told me to just draw how I felt. Put my feelings down on paper but as an Image. Not into words but as a picture – so I did.”

He pulls his
T-shirt over his head and turns his back to me, revealing the most beautiful tattoo I have possibly ever seen. I'm lost for words as I study the image. It's still red and raised in parts, there is dried blood in some areas. Which would explain the blood on his T shirt yesterday. All of this reels through my mind as I study the image. It’s of the back of a naked woman; with long curly red hair hanging down past her shoulders she is being held in the arms of a man, you can only see his arms around her, the tops of his shoulders and his hair. His face is buried in her shoulder. His long untidy hair falling forwards. I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be me and him, but the part I can't take my arms from are the wings. Coming from behind the man’s shoulders are the most beautifully drawn inked realistic looking wings I have ever seen. Each feather is so finely detailed. It's breath taking. Across the top of his shoulders, above the image is some Arabic looking writing. I want to ask what it means, but I don't want to speak to him. The tattoo is truly magnificent, but does it make any difference? Does it change anything? I love him, he loves me, but I will never be treated badly by a man, or anyone else for that matter, again, so no, and nothing’s changed. Until I know for sure what went on with him and Alyssa, nothing has changed at all, I can’t allow it too, I didn’t leave one bad relationship to jump straight into another, I’m no longer prepared to put up and shut up and I still want him to leave.

“
Wow. That. Is. Beautiful!!!”

Jo is standing in the doorway looking at Gabe
’s back. He turns and looks at me. Naked from the waist up and my eyes wander over his beautiful body. I just can’t stop myself, I’m a perv, and he’s gorgeous, so shoot me! He raises his eyebrows slightly and I swear I see his mouth twitch slightly at the corner. Did I just let out a little moan? Bastard, he knows the affect he has on me.

I feel his eyes burning into me as he says
, “It's for Lauren. It's all for Lauren, to let her know exactly what she means to me.”

“
Shit. Couldn't you have just sent her a card, a trip to a Hallmark store would have been less painful darl? What does the writing say? What language is it?”

“
It's ancient Sanskrit. It says: Your Protector. My Saviour.”

I close my eyes. I think I might actually pass out. And I don't even know why.

“That's quite beautiful Gabe but think about just sending a card next time. I'm going out. I have a date.”

Without think
ing twice about it, I say to Jo, “Show Gabe out as you go.”

There is absolute silence as they both stare at me. Gabe starts to shake his head.

“Please Lauren, don't do this, I love you, we need to talk.”

“
I have nothing to say Gabe, please go, please just go and leave me alone. Jo, can you show him out.”

I jump as he roars at me
, “Fuuuuuuck! What do I have to do? What can I say to prove to you what you mean to me? Fuck, fuck, fuck Lauren. You are doing my fucking head in! I tell you all the time how I feel, I tell you the best I can and I try and show you all the time. I fucking love, want, need you, like nothing I ever thought possible. Without you... There is... I am nothing, I can’t go back to that, not now that I know how it can be. We have to be together, you don’t want this, not really, I know you don’t, I fucked up I know that but we are bigger than all of this bullshit. But we need to be together to survive, we can’t be apart, we don’t work apart. Please listen to me, please tell me what I need to do to make this better, to make it right?”

It's my turn to roar now
, “What can you do? What can you say Gabe? Well let me fucking see. What you can do is NOT go out and get fucking blind and come home with some blonde troll in tow. What you CAN say is: NO Lauren, I most definitely didn't fuck her… or anyone else! That's what you CAN do or say Gabe. That and only that. Now please get the fuck out and stay away from me please. Please. My heart just can't take anymore. Please just go.”

My voice falters on the very last plea, I don’t cry tears but my voice ends on a sob
, I look across at Jo – pleadingly, but she's already worked out that I need him gone.

“
Go Gabe, now please.”

“
Jo.... No, please, we need to talk about this... Go out on your date, leave us here we'll be right.” I shake my head at Jo, I can’t be alone with him, I don’t trust myself. I will cave, I know I will.

“
Please Gabe; I don't want any trouble. Just go.” Jo orders him calmly.

He looks at
me; his eyes are glistening with tears. Both his hands are pulling at his own hair. He has no shirt on, just jeans and bare feet. I can see the muscles in his arms, chest and abs all clench and tighten as he pulls at his hair. And I fight with myself not to reach out to him.

“
I love you Lauren. I would leave my daughter fatherless and die for you. Never forget that.” That kills me, if it were possible for my heart to break any more today than that just did it. He has tears on his cheeks and I know he is as broken as I am, he walks towards the door without saying another word. Jo follows him as I slowly sink to my knees.

Before I hit the floor I hear a smash and Jo shouting,
and then calling my name. As I get outside, Gabe is punching the passenger window of his Ute. He punches again and again, until it finally smashes. He runs at the car door and kicks it with the flat of his bare feet. It caves in on impact. He can't reach the windscreen so he moves around to the driver’s door and punches that. It takes three attempts before it breaks and there is blood running down his arm from his knuckles.