Resolution (Saviour) (5 page)

Gabe, are you really sure you want to send me home
? There's still so much more I want to do to you ;) Alyssa x

Okay, not so good. So that was Alyssa, an ex, he walked out on me and hooked up with an ex, he hasn’t got her number stored, he must know it, off by heart. I feel sick, now I have to know.

Gabe pick up your phone.
I can sneak back over if you want. Remember, you owe me an orgasm

I feel hot. But I’m cold, my mouth is dry, my heart pounding so hard I can hear my blood rushing through my ears. I know this is going to hurt, I just know. I read the last one. Sent at two am this morning:

That’s the last fucking blow job you will ever get from me you BASTARD!!!
'

I throw his phone down on the sofa like its burning me. No, Gabe. No, what did you do?

She gave him a blow job. He probably won't even remember but that's not really the point is it? I sit still for a couple of minutes and try and think clearly. My brain is trying to ignore the panic unfurling in my stomach and clawing at my chest
. I stare at the phone, as if it’s going to come up with the answers to all the questions I may or may not want answered. I try to process all that has happened.

We argued, he went out and left me here on my own just a day after I was assaulted by my estranged husband. He left me here and went out and got drunk and hooked up with an old girlfriend and she gave him a blow job. He then brought her back here and would have probably let her do a whole lot more to him, if he hadn't had the welcoming party from hell waiting for him.

My mind is whirring but at the same time, I’m strangely calm, I think, deep down, I always knew it would come to this,
I always knew I wouldn’t be enough for him, not young enough, not slim or pretty enough, not adventurous enough in bed; I just didn’t think it would be over so soon, I thought we would have a bit of time to work through our lust before he got bored of me, I always knew, deep down, that he would eventually get bored and want to move on, I knew he would, in the end, break my heart, it’s just happened so much sooner than I was ready for and just at a point when I had stupidly began to think that there might be some hope for us to make it, as a couple. How stupid am I? I am approaching middle age, whatever possessed me to make me think there could ever be a future for us? I have this horrible sensation in my chest, like weights have been tied to my heart, it feels heavy, like it’s being pulled down to the pit of my stomach; I gasp in some air, as apparently I forgot to breathe for a bit there and the sound I make as I breathe back out is more like a sob and I clamp my hand over my mouth, I need to get out, get away from him, from all the hope this house represents, the hope, my stupidity, his betrayal, how could he?

I just don’t understand, he asked me to marry him and then he does that; I feel broken, I need to leave here before I completely fall apart;
before I really think any further than this, I'm off the sofa and back in the bedroom. I walk into the wardrobe, pull on some clothes, I throw a few more into a holdall, pack my toiletries and the rest of life’s essentials, I won’t be caught out this time like I was when I left Jason, this time I remember my hair dryer and straighteners and head back out to the family room without even looking at Gabe. I dial the automated taxi number I have stored in my phone and start to head down the stairs.

I suddenly have an idea and go back up and retrieve Gabe
’s phone from where I threw it on the sofa. I open it up at the offending text and leave it on the bench top so when he unlocks his phone next, it will be the first thing he sees. I leave the house, go out of the gate and wait at the side of the road for my cab to come and pick me up. I have a key to Jo's. I know she won't mind if I use it, besides, I really have nowhere else I can go, once again, I’m homeless, alone and humiliated. I wrap my arms around myself, if I let go, I’m afraid I will just fall into lots of little pieces, right there on the path, on the side of the road.

Ten minutes later I'm standing at Jo's front door, surprisingly her car is there so I won't use my key. I knock, my friend opens the door with a glass of wine in her hand, she says nothing but seeing the look on my face she simply passes me the glass of wine and I drink the lot down, she takes the glass from me and silently steps aside so that I can come in.

I walk down the hallway and into the kitchen and drop my bag on the floor, Jo walks in behind me and without saying a word, holds her arms open, I walk straight into them and sob. I sob so hard that I no longer have the strength to stand up and instead drop to my knees and am almost choking on my tears. All the while Jo remains silent and just holds me and strokes my hair. My sobs eventually slow down and my breathing steadies.

“
If you want to talk Darl – talk. If you don't, then don't, but as much as I'm your friend, I'm also a nosey bitch and would really like to know all the deets.”

My shoulders start to shake
, I think from laughter, but I suppose it could just be a variation on my crying moves. Jo peels herself away from me and goes to the fridge, she takes a chilled glass from the freezer compartment and the wine from the fridge and heads back towards me. I lean my back against the kitchen cupboards and she sits down and joins me. Topping up my glass and filling hers.

“
Spill. The deets, not the wine. What's gone on?”

I tell her everything, from Alyssa to events of the
weekend, all the details of Jay’s assault, the new car, the proposal and then the texts and Gabe’s obvious betrayal. She heard most of it last night but I need to go over it   so that I can try and get my head around it all.

“
What was I thinking Jo? Why did I think for a second I would be enough for him, it was never going to work and now I've just made myself look sad and stupid?”

“
I’m so sorry darl, I really am. I can’t believe the little shit could be so stupid.”

I'm no longer crying, I think I'm
now actually feeling a little bit shocked and thoroughly betrayed. How could he, why ask me to marry him if he knew full well he was incapable of being faithful? This is actually hurting me more than Jay’s indiscretions. My stomach feels like it is being clenched in a vice and every time I loosen the grip a little bit of reality sinks into my brain, every time the hold on my tummy is released slightly it sends my insides churning and spiralling, causing the most awful sensations including the desire to vomit. I put my hand over my mouth and close my eyes. I don't know if I can survive this. I only left him half an hour ago but the physical pain it's causing me in my heart is already unbearable, I’m not sure if it’s hurt, anger, humiliation or separation that’s causing it, or just a combination, either way, each and every one of those emotions are what Gabe has caused and I know, for sure, that right now we need to be apart, he overwhelms me when we’re together, what I feel for him consumes me and I don’t see straight, I don’t see anything beyond him when we’re together.

Jo pours us another drink and we smoke a cigarette. This is a habit I need to stop. I've not smoked this much in over twenty five years!!!

We sit on the kitchen tiles and talk shit some more.

Until Jo says
, “Well I love you dearly babe and there's a home here for as long as you need it, but my arse is numb, so can we please get up off this floor?”

I laugh as she stands and then pulls me up, just as my phone starts to ring
, it's Gabe, my stomach instantly wants to empty its contents. I press decline, it rings again. I can feel Jo's eyes on me.

“
You should talk to him Loz. Let him explain, you may have this all wrong. Whatever he may or may not have done. That boy loves you; it's obvious to anyone with a heart.”

We go and sit on the sofa as my phone continues playing Wild One. After the ninth ring I turn it to silent.

“I'm not ready to talk to him yet, I'll just cry. And I want to see his face when I ask him if it’s all true, if she blew him or if he fucked her or whatever it is they did.”

“
Okay. It's up to you.”

Ten minutes later her front door is being banged off its hin
ges. I look up at Jo. I’m not really surprised. I had a feeling he would come looking for me. A tiny slither of hope that he would at least do that much.

“
What am I telling him? For what it's worth, I think you should talk to him.”

I feel instantly sick again
, but I know this has to be done.

“
Can I talk to him in here or do you want me to take it out side?” I ask her.

“
Fuck not outside, you’re not putting on a show for the neighbours and not for me. I'm going out and need to shower, that's why I'm home early. I'll let him in and leave you two to talk. Hear him out though yeah. I will be listening so I will know if you don’t.”

I
smile and nod, hear him out? Right now I want to kill the fucker not listen to his voice, no I want to hear is voice and I want to want to kill him, but I don’t really, I want him to tell me that it’s not true, I want his arms around me, his lips on me, I want to smell him and taste him. I feel angry with myself, that despite everything, I’m still feeling all this and that I’m already missing him so much and I hate the fact that because he has called and he has now come here, once again, I am allowing myself to feel a tiny spark of hope and I really don’t want to be feeling that, I can’t allow myself to feel that.

Jo answers the door and my heart free falls to the bottom of my stomach. Landing in a million tiny pieces
that float up and wrap around me as I hear his voice; that’s what he’s capable of, he can break me and put me back together in a split second and I hate that he has that power, that I’ve allowed him to have that kind of hold over me. If I ever stand a chance in this relationship, I need to stay strong and not leave with him now, I need him to at least think that he doesn’t hold all the power. The conversation at the front door goes quiet and I get that all too familiar tingle running from the top of my scalp down to the tips of my toes.

“
Lauren?”

I have to
close my eyes, it makes his voice more bearable if I can’t actually see him...I’m so week

“
Lauren...please, we need to talk, baby please, will you look at me?”

“
What do you want? I have nothing to say to you.”

I don’t
dare look at him. The only place I want to be right now is in his arms. I want him to convince me I’ve got it all wrong, it’s a mistake, he loves me and wants me in exactly the way he has tried to convince me he does these past weeks, I want him inside me, saying and doing all of those things that make me feel so good, and I just know that if I meet those beautiful blue eyes with mine, I will crumble. I feel him move around the sofa, I keep staring at the carpet but he kneels down in front of me. I still don’t meet his eyes.

“
Please look at me Lauren. I was drunk, I don’t really remember much, I walked in the bar and she was there with some mates. They left, she stayed. I know she wanted to fuck. She kept asking, she kept trying to kiss me. I wanted you Lauren, just you, I wanted to get back home to you and touch you, smell you, but I needed a lift so she drove me home. I told her she couldn't come in, to book a taxi to pick her up from out the front. I told her I was coming home – to our home, to you. I love you, there is no one else, only you, there has never been any one else, only you. I fucking love you Lauren and I am so, so sorry for the way I behaved yesterday... Please, please will you just look at me?”

I don't know what it is that suddenly comes over me. Disappoin
tment, anger, at myself and at him. Whatever it is, it comes over me like a wave and it’s as if I have no control over my actions. I look up at him without actually looking him in the eye and out of nowhere I feel my arm swing back and as my fist makes contact with his jaw I roar at him.

“
Liar!”

Crack
! I've punched him. I've punched him so hard he tilts backwards from where he’s kneeling and smacks his head on the side of the coffee table on his way down to the carpet. I let out a cry of pain and shake my hand. Shit, that hurt, I’ve never hit someone so hard.

“
Fuck, fuck you Gabe, you broke my fucking hand!”

I squeeze it under my armpit to try and stop it throbbing. I notice he's not moving but before I can jump up to see if he's
okay, Jo has joined us.

“
What the fuck is going on? Loz. Shit Loz. What's happened?”

She lo
oks from me to Gabe, who is now rubbing his chin.

“
Fuck Lauren, fucking hell. She hit me Jo. Its fine, I'm fine.” He pushes himself up on his elbows and our eyes meet. He has the sexiest smile on his face and I almost melt.

“
Fuck Lauren. That was so fucking hot, I love it when you get pissed off with me like that, fuck you can punch.” His hand is rubbing over his jaw and he continues to laugh. I’m in bits and he lays there and laughs.

“
You're a sick, sado, pervi liar! That wasn’t meant to be hot, you nob, you broke my fucking hand and you broke my heart you lying arsewipe. I know what you did, I read the text messages.”