Read My Lips (14 page)

WHAT YOUR V-PARTS HAVE TO DO WITH THE BIG O

You’ve probably read about different “types” of orgasm. Perhaps you have personally felt that your orgasms feel different depending on the type of stimulation. Or maybe you’ve never had an orgasm, or have experienced them only rarely, but you’ve heard about orgasm types and have been curious about them. Often people divide orgasms into the categories of vaginal orgasm, clitoral orgasm, uterine orgasm, and blended orgasm, though some people use different terms or add on additional categories.
⁹

Findings from scientific research suggest that the clitoris is likely involved in most if not all of women’s orgasms—even if the glans clitoris itself isn’t directly stimulated.
⁹
Remember that “clitoral complex” and how vaginal penetration can stimulate the clitoris, too? That just goes to show you how complicated this can get very quickly. What may look like one type of orgasm (for example, an orgasm from vaginal intercourse) may be an orgasm that involves the clitoris—not just the vagina. So is that a vaginal orgasm, a clitoral orgasm, a G-spot orgasm (if it was stimulation of that one part of the vagina that pushed a woman over her orgasmic edge), or something else? Good question—we don’t know! Scientists are still trying to understand the female orgasm including the many ways that people try to categorize it.

What we
do
know is that there are various nerve pathways linked to orgasm. In women, there are at least four nerve pathways that convey sensory information from certain genital and reproductive organs to the brain. The
pudendal nerve
conveys sensory information from the clitoris to the brain, so this is the pathway for clitoral stimulation that may result in an orgasm. The
pelvic nerve
conveys sensory information from a woman’s cervix and vagina up to her brain, whereas the
hypogastric nerve
serves the uterus and cervix. More recently identified as part of sexual response is the
vagus nerve
, which carries sensory information from the cervix and uterus to the brain, bypassing the spinal cord. (For more information about each of these nerve pathways, check out Komisaruk, Beyer-Flores, and Whipple’s 2006 book,
The Science of Orgasm
.
¹⁰
)

I wish there was more information out there to counteract the porno view that women can have orgasms—instantly—from vaginal penetration. It annoys me to no end that some women think they’re ill if they can’t do this, and a lot of guys seem to believe it to be the case as well.

—
J
EN,
23, Canada

V-CRAFT: PLEASURE PANTIES

Perhaps you’ve seen reflexology socks or gloves? They are socks or gloves that are adorned with a “map” of the various pressure points and other points of stimulation so that a person can wear them and either stimulate their own feet or hands or have a friend or partner do it for them, according to the map.

Years ago, when Debby was first acting in
The Vagina Monologues
and getting into vulva and vagina art, she came up with an idea for DIY vulva panties—also called “pleasure panties.” Here’s how you can make your own.

What You Will Need

• l pair of white or lightly colored cotton underwear (full or partial bottom, not a thong or G-string)
  
• permanent markers in different colors (the kind that you can use to draw on clothing that won’t bleed or wash off in the laundry)
  
• a friend or partner (helpful but not necessary)
  

What to Do

While wearing the underwear, ask your partner to help you outline the parts of your vulva on the side of the panties facing him or her. Your friend/partner might draw a circle or oval where your glans clitoris is. Your inner and outer labia can also be traced. Remember, too, to include your mons, vaginal entrance, perineum, and, if you so desire, your anal opening, too (it can be a little tricky to get all the way there for some, but spreading one’s legs can make for easier access).

You might want to ask your partner to use different colors for various parts. You can then take your panties off and use the outline to write words on the panties. You can be precise, if you want, and label the parts of your vulva and anus (e.g., “clitoris,” etc.). Or, instead, you can write how you like to be touched—for example, you can write, “Softly here,” or “More attention here, please!” Alternatively, you can use design schemes, such as a red “X” to mark the spot(s) where you like to be touched (or the parts to avoid touching directly).

Some Tips

• Some markers may ink through the panties, meaning you may end up getting ink on your vulva. Some women don’t mind this. Others—particularly those with sensitive skin—might wish to avoid this. To reduce the likelihood of inking through to your genital parts, wear two or three layers of underwear while you make your pleasure panties. Although collaborating with a partner can make this easier, having a friend or partner on hand is not necessary; you can make pleasure panties by yourself. Wearing them and looking in a mirror at the same time can be helpful.
  
• Have fun! Be creative about what you want to map out. Perhaps you’d like to map out the order of how you’d like to be touched, such as writing a number one on the first place you’d like your partner to touch you before proceeding to the part labeled two.
  
• Making pleasure panties with a partner can be a great way to spruce up your sex life. It creates space for you to talk about your vulva parts and what kind of stimulation you do or don’t like. In turn, it creates opportunities for your partner to learn about your preferences for touching, licking, and various types of sex play. It can also be a very sexy way to initiate foreplay and to add a playful—dare we say, crafty—dimension to sex.
  

Knowing about these nerve pathways may help you to understand how women can have a wide range of experiences related to orgasm. Vaginal intercourse may end up stimulating the vagina as well as the clitoris and cervix, which may mean that any of the previously listed nerve pathways—and maybe others, too—carry information to the brain in a way that results in orgasm. While not all women experience orgasm, the vast majority of women are capable of experiencing orgasm, though it may take time, patience, and practice to do so. Also, not all women want to experience orgasm (perhaps especially if they are prone to orgasm-related migraines or other painful experiences) or care to, even if they’ve had them before and enjoyed them. But for those who do want to experience orgasm, this growing area of research may be helpful.

We don’t fully understand how orgasms occur—specifically, how a woman goes from Point A (some type of sexual stimulation) to Point B (experiencing an orgasm), although this is an area that scientists are trying to better understand. What we do know is that, although the exact process of female orgasm is yet to be discovered, we don’t have to wait for science to catch up in order to experience the joys of sexual pleasure and/or orgasm.

PARTNERED PLAY TO PLEASURE YOUR POONANNY

For all of the heartbreak and loss of human lives associated with the ongoing HIV epidemic, a positive change to come out of this period of the 1980s is that healthcare providers, public-health professionals, and sex and health educators began talking more openly about safer—but still pleasurable—sex. By expanding conversations about “sex” to include more than just vaginal or anal sex, sexual health professionals have hoped to introduce men and women to a range of ways in which people can pleasure each other while reducing the risk of spreading infections, such as HIV. Ultimately, safer-sex messages are about saving lives.

Partnered masturbation is one of the safest forms of sex between two or more people. It’s also a type of sex that many people are familiar with, if for no other reason than that it’s similar to how a lot of teenagers and young adults start out relating sexually with each other—touching each other’s genitals (through fingering and/or hand jobs), sometimes to the point of orgasm and other times not.

ACTIVITY: MASTER YOUR MASTURBATION

The vast majority of women masturbate—according to the NSSHB, more than 80 percent of women in their twenties and thirties have masturbated
¹
—but just how women masturbate can vary not only from woman to woman but also from day to day. How you enjoy masturbation tonight may be very different than what you feel like doing next week or next year. As with partnered sex, it sometimes pays to vary your masturbation rather than stick with the same old, boring routine. Here are some ideas for setting the scene for pleasurable masturbation:

• Light candles to set a sensual mood for pleasure.
  
• Watch your favorite porn, such as a DVD that you own or have rented, or an online video.
  
• Lay a soft blanket on the floor, perhaps in front of a fireplace (if you have one) or candles, and lay down or kneel on the blanket for your masturbation (for safety, keep a safe distance from the fireplace or candles).
  
• Put fresh sheets on the bed and christen it with a self-pleasuring session.
  
• Use a vibrator to massage other body parts, such as your back, thighs, or breasts, before using it to stimulate your own genitals.
  
• Position yourself in front of a mirror.
  
• Take a waterproof sex toy into the bath or shower for a steamy private-sex session.
  

You might also explore your inside parts (the vagina) as well as your outside parts (the clitoris, labia, etc.). Watching in a mirror as you stimulate your vulva and/or vagina can be sexy, too.

Know your own style for setting the mood, as well as for how you like to stimulate yourself—but do try to be brave about exploring. Sometimes particularly delicious pleasures lie in trying something new.

People can’t get pregnant from touching each other’s genitals— assuming, of course, that a woman doesn’t let a male partner ejaculate on her hand and then insert her semen-covered finger near or in her vaginal opening (or engage in some other behavior that would result in semen getting close to or in the vagina). It is also unlikely that people will pass STIs to one another through partnered masturbation, which makes it a much safer form of sexual expression than vaginal or anal sex.

There are many ways to enhance the quality of partnered masturbation. Here, we’ll focus on ways to use various body parts— except for the lips, tongue, mouth, or penis (which we’ll tackle soon enough)—to stimulate a woman’s vagina and/or vulva during partnered play.

• Ask for a tug.
  The mons pubis is a sensitive area for many women. In the same way that many women enjoy having a partner run their fingers through the hair on their heads, a woman may also enjoy having a partner sensually run his/ her fingers through or gently tug on her pubic hair. This can be a sensuous prelude or complement to partnered masturbation. For some women, this can be an incredible way to build arousal during foreplay or sex play.
  
• Vulva massage.
  There are many ways to use one’s hand to pleasure a woman’s vulva. Ask your partner to use the heel of the palm of his/her hand to gently apply pressure to the mons or outer edges of the outer labia. You might also find it pleasurable if your partner gently uses his/her fingers to trace your vulva parts. If you enjoy vaginal penetration, then once sufficient arousal and lubrication have been built up, you may be turned on by having your partner insert a finger or two into your vagina while they gently massage the front, back, and/or side walls of your vagina.
  

A sex partner who loves your vulva is a wonderful, validating experience—I wish it for every woman.

—
E
MMA,
63, Oregon

• Like to lap dance?
  Try using your vulva to stimulate your partner—and simultaneously, yourself, too. Women may be stimulated by rubbing their vulvas against a man’s erect penis or her female partner’s vulva—even if their partner is wearing clothes. Even when both people are clothed, a woman can sometimes feel the contours of her partner’s genitals via the movements of her thighs and vulva. And even when heavy clothes don’t allow for a woman to feel everything she wants to, the warmth between both bodies, and the excitement of sitting on a partner’s lap, kissing one another, or grinding, can be enormously arousing.
  
• One finger at a time.
  Gentle pressure on the front wall of a woman’s vagina has been shown to increase a woman’s threshold for pain (meaning that there’s something about front-wall stimulation that may close a woman off to low-levels of pain and open her to more possibilities of pleasure). Wait until you are well lubricated, naturally or by way of a store-bought lubricant on your genitals and/or your partner’s fingers. Ask your partner to slip one finger inside your vagina, gently but firmly sliding against the front wall. If or when you’re ready for more, gradually ask him or her to increase stimulation one finger at a time.
  
• Play footsies.
  The foot is an often-underutilized sex toy. While lying down, legs apart, have your partner sit apart from you on a bed, or ask your partner to stand above you. Then, have your partner gently use his/her toes (make sure they’re clean with trimmed toenails first) to stimulate your inner thigh and the parts of your vulva. Some women even like for their partner to dip their big toe inside their vagina. Unconventional? Yes. But also, perhaps, unexpectedly fun.
  
• Take charge.
  While your partner is lying down, get on top cowgirl style, then lean back, resting on your forearms and elbows. From this position, you can use your vulva to stimulate your partner’s penis or strap-on, by sliding your vulva up and down the shaft.
  
• Dry hump each other
  . Also called outercourse, dry humping can be a highly pleasurable way of stimulating each other’s genitals without hands, tongues, or sex toys. All it takes is two people rolling around naked, clothed, or wearing only underwear, and having an awful lot of fun rubbing each other’s bodies, high-school style.