Read My Lips (5 page)

GENITAL FIT

For male-female couples, genital fit—how the penis and vagina fit together during intercourse—can also play a role in people’s perceptions of vaginal size. A woman who has intercourse with a man who has a smaller-than-average-sized penis may feel as though sex (or her vagina) feels “roomy.” However, that same woman could have sex with a man who has a larger-than-average-sized penis and wonder if her vagina is too small or too tight. Keep in mind: nothing about her vagina has changed. Neither the woman nor the men have “bad” genitals or genitals that are an undesirable size. Rather, the genital fit between partners can make sex feel different. So remember: there is no such thing as bad genital size, only a challenging genital fit. And even a challenging fit can be managed by adding lubricant, using the towel trick, or expanding one’s ideas of sex to find other ways to experience fun, connection, and sexual pleasure. For example, a couple may experience greater pleasure through oral sex, sensual massage, the use of sex toys, or exploring sex positions that may help to make a tight genital fit more comfortable or a roomier genital fit feel more rich with sensation.

VAGINAL-WALL RELAXATION

Although many women say that six months or a year after giving birth, sex feels like it used to pre-pregnancy (except, of course, for the baby crying down the hall), other women have a different experience. Some women say that sex feels entirely different after they have been pregnant, whether or not they gave birth vaginally. Just being pregnant and bearing extra baby weight that’s supported by one’s pelvic-floor muscles may change the way that the vagina feels.

Unfortunately, some doctors have historically denied women’s experiences in this regard and have told them things like “once you have a baby, nothing is ever the same again.” Other providers may take matters into their own hands by providing the woman with a “husband stitch” during her episiotomy in order to “tighten” her vagina. Statements and actions like these can minimize women’s feelings or make them feel as though they should put up with whatever uncomfortable or unpleasurable experiences they may be having, and we don’t think that’s right. We need a great deal more research to understand how women’s bodies change after pregnancy and childbirth and what can be done to help them should they experience problems. We also need more healthcare providers trained to respond with sensitivity to women and with attention to how sex feels for them. Rather than dismissing a woman’s experience by saying “nothing will ever be the same again” post-birth, we think it would be more helpful for that healthcare provider to ask follow-up questions, starting with, “Tell me how things are different for you now—what’s changed?”

Research shows that with each additional birth, women are more likely to experience pelvic-floor distress symptoms, such as difficulties with incontinence. Often when women experience such pelvic-floor distress symptoms—a fancy term to describe a range of issues such as peeing when one doesn’t mean to pee (incontinence), uncontrollably passing gas, or frequently needing to pee, among other symptoms—it is vaginal-wall relaxation that is at the root of the problem. The bladder may push through the front vaginal wall and create a slight bulge in it (the technical term is a “cystocele”). Or, the rectum may push against the back vaginal wall and create a slight bulge in the back wall (called a “rectocele”). Other terms you may hear used to describe these conditions are “prolapse” and “genital prolapse.” Women who experience prolapse often report that sex lacks sensation. Some say that they can’t feel their partner inside of them during sex. It’s also the case that some women who experience prolapse, especially severe prolapse, avoid sex altogether because vaginal intercourse may increase their urge to pee or to have a bowel movement (which doesn’t exactly make most women feel sexy).

Sometimes, women who undergo a surgical procedure commonly called a “front wall repair” or a “back wall repair” may notice an improvement across the board—both in terms of their pelvic-floor distress symptoms and their sensation during sex. If you’ve noticed a frequent or uncontrollable urge to pee or to have a bowel movement during sex or daily activities, or if you’ve noticed a significant decrease in sensation during sex, talk to your healthcare provider.

AROUSAL

A fourth factor that can affect how small or big a woman’s vagina feels to her or her partner is how sexually aroused the woman herself feels—and how aroused she has allowed her body to become. Here’s why arousal matters to the vagina:

When a woman is not sexually aroused or excited, her vagina is only about three to four inches long. For women who partner with men, and for women who engage in vaginal sex-toy play, this might not seem like much room. After all, most research on penis size suggests that the average erect penis is between five and six inches long.
^23
,
24
And sex toys such as dildos and insertive vibrators are often that length or longer. So, what gives?

Magic, that’s what.

I had my first girlfriend when I was fifteen; this was before I came out to my parents, and they didn’t mind my having female friends over to stay the night. So she came over, and we went up to my room (“to watch a movie,” supposedly), and locked the door. It was awkward, and embarrassing, and probably the most erotic experience I’ve ever had. I had touched her vulva before that, but that was the first time I’d actually
seen
it in good light.

—
A
VA,
23, Vermont

When a woman becomes sexually aroused, her body begins to change. More blood flows to her genitals. Her heart rate and breathing increase. And her vagina? It lubricates and tents. Tents? Yes, tents. During sexual arousal, muscular tension pulls the uterus upward, which makes more room in a woman’s vagina (after all, the uterus is at the far end of the vagina, so when it lifts up, more space is created). This process is called “vaginal tenting.” It’s a magical process because by making more space in the vagina, sex can feel more comfortable and pleasurable for many women who need a little more than three or four inches of space in order to accommodate their partner’s penis or a favorite sex toy. This is one reason why spending more time in fore-play can help to make sexual intercourse with a penis or sex toy feel better. If a woman spends very little time in foreplay, her vagina might not have time to tent, and her vagina may feel unusually small, or the couple’s genital fit may feel cramped for space. When a woman allows her body time to go through the process of vaginal tenting, there is the possibility that more space in the vagina will be created and that the couple’s genital fit will be more comfortable.

HOW DO VAGINAS FEEL?

We can describe this all we want, but the only way to really get a sense is to feel your own vagina (if you have one) or to feel the vagina of a partner who is not only willing but who wants your finger or fingers in her vagina. You should never, of course, make someone feel bad for not wanting to do something sexual that you want to do.

So how do vaginas feel? Some might say “warm, wet, and a little bit bumpy.” Vaginas—like some potato chips—have ridges in them, and yet, unlike potato chips, they tend to be warm and wet. Depending on a woman’s age, the phase of her menstrual cycle (assuming she’s still menstruating and has not yet reached menopause), and whether she is sexually aroused or not, a woman’s vagina may feel slightly wet or very wet. Vaginal discharge may be clear and egg white-like in appearance, or it may be more thin and slick. Check it out and see what it feels like to you. In Debby’s studies of men’s and women’s attitudes toward women’s genitals (which is different than female genital self-image, described below), the majority of college students surveyed said that women’s genitals felt good to touch.

VAGINA FACTS

There are a few more things you should know about the vagina in order to be well versed on the topic. For one, you should know that in addition to the way the vagina changes size during arousal, it can also change in structure with age. Specifically, the vagina typically rests at a 130-degree angle inside of pre-menopausal women’s bodies. However, as women go through menopause, their bodies change and the vaginal angle flattens a bit, which may make vaginal intercourse feel different to women as they age and go through menopause.

Another important fact is that the vagina is a discreet space. The vagina starts at the vaginal opening and ends at the cervix, which is the opening to the uterus. The cervix has a very small opening in it, and there’s not much other than fluids that can pass through it to go between the vagina and the uterus. Semen, of course, can pass through the cervix, as can menstrual fluids. And of course when a woman goes through labor to deliver a baby, then the baby can pass through the dilated cervix, but that is a very special circumstance. On a daily basis, the cervix is a small opening to the vagina, and the vagina remains a discreet space that’s just three to four inches when unaroused and about two or three inches longer when aroused.

Why is this an important vagina fact to know? It means that objects such as condoms and diaphragms can’t get “lost” inside the vagina. If a condom slips off a man’s penis during sex and gets stuck in the vagina, then the woman or her partner can insert their fingers into her vagina to remove the condom. If they cannot find it, then the woman can ask a healthcare provider for help removing it (objects should always be removed from the vagina rather than left there as gravity will not draw them out on their own). By using her own fingers or getting help from her partner or healthcare provider, a woman should be able to retrieve anything else that she has put up there (though we don’t recommend putting most foreign objects inside the vagina). This, of course, also goes for tampons (more in chapter 5) and Ben Wa balls, which some women use for sexual pleasure or as part of pelvic-floor exercises (more in chapter 2).

YOU LIKE, YOU LOVE?

Activity

Get out a piece of paper and a pen. Ready? Set? Okay, go—

Taking a stream-of-conscious approach to this activity, write down all the things that you like about your genitals. Think about smell, taste, sexy feelings, how you look. If you get stuck, write down some of the nice things that past or present partners have said about your genitals. Maybe they said that they liked how you smell or that you taste delicious. Maybe they liked how wet you get or how you squeezed their fingers or their penis with your pelvic-floor muscles. There are numerous reasons to appreciate one’s own vulva and vagina, and all the parts within these parts (the clitoris, labia, etc.)—what are your reasons? What do you hope to change?

VAGINA CONTROVERSY

There are vagina facts, such as the fact that the vagina is about three to four inches long, and there are vagina myths, such as the myth that vaginas smell like fish (they don’t, and we’ll get to that later). Then there are vagina controversies. One of the biggest vagina controversies has to do with the G-spot. The G-spot was given its name in the 1980s, with the “G” referring to Dr. Grafenberg who, decades earlier in the 1950s, described an area on the front wall of the vagina that was full of erotic potential for some women. In 1982, the book
The G Spot: And Other Discoveries About Human Sexuality
²⁵
swept through the United States and many other countries with the message that sexual pleasure had to do with far more than the clitoral stimulation described by Kinsey
²⁶
in the 1950s and Masters and Johnson
²⁷
in the 1960s and 1970s. In
The G Spot
, readers discovered numerous stories of women who found stimulation of the front wall of the vagina to be particularly pleasurable and, for many, to be a reliable source of orgasm. For some, stimulation of this area— termed the G-spot—could also lead to the expulsion of fluids that came to be called female ejaculation.

So why the controversy? Isn’t it a given that women vary in how they experience sex? After all, we’re all different from each other.

The controversy lies in the fact that the G-spot is not a “thing” that can be seen. The G-spot is generally seen as something on the other side of the front vaginal wall—maybe it’s the inside parts of the clitoris, or maybe it’s the urethral sponge (tissue that surrounds the female urethra, just as spongy erectile tissue surrounds the male urethra in the penis). And when the front wall of the vagina is stimulated, often with firm but gentle pressure rather than a light flicking stimulation that the glans clitoris may respond to, the woman may feel wonderful things. In one study, 65 percent of women ages twenty-two to eighty-two in the United States and Canada felt that they had a particularly sensitive area in the vagina.

But if it can’t be seen, then the G-spot is kind of like the Tooth Fairy to some people. Or to science-y folks, perhaps the G-spot is one big placebo effect that, if we believe it to be true, it becomes true and fun and possibly orgasm-inducing when stimulated.

One might think that with improvements in science the G-spot would become less controversial as more facts are gathered. However, that’s not been the case. In 2008, Italian researchers using Magnetic Resonance Imaging (MRI) techniques, claimed they found that women who experienced orgasm from vaginal intercourse all by itself had a thicker urethrovaginal space (the area around the front wall of the vagina) than did women who do not experience orgasm from vaginal intercourse without extra stimulation, such as from a finger or sex toy.
²⁸
In interviews, the researchers even suggested that perhaps MRI could be used as a “test” to find out if a woman had a G-spot or not. Some researchers (Debby included) felt that such statements were going well beyond the limited data they had collected from a very small study of only twenty women. And so this study largely became chalked up as interesting without necessarily telling us anything one way or the other about the G-spot.