Read My Lips (25 page)

That isn’t the only possible problem with douching. In addition to washing away good bacteria, douching can work as a not-so-fun little water slide, washing any potential issues (bad bacteria, STI) up past the cervix and into the uterus and the fallopian tubes. Numerous research studies have found that women who douche are more likely to be diagnosed with bacterial vaginosis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, pelvic inflammatory disease, cervical cancer, and HIV. They are also more likely to have higher infertility rates and ectopic pregnancies.
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Does that mean that if you douche you are guaranteed to get an STI and have pregnancy difficulties? Of course not! It just means that your likelihood may be higher. So, when it comes to douching, our advice to most of you is “don’t douche it!” Douching may help some women to feel more confident about their genital smell, taste, or health, or to feel more generally “clean,” and who are we to tell you what you should do or how you should feel? As with other health issues, if you have questions about douching and whether it is right for you, or how you can choose safer douches, this is a great topic to discuss with your OB/GYN or other healthcare provider. Remember: the more you tell your healthcare provider about your health practices, such as douching, the better he/she can handle your healthcare needs.

DOUCHING AS A FORM OF PREGNANCY PREVENTION

The condom breaks, he was supposed to pull out and missed the exit, you forgot the pill. We’ve heard them all, those stories that sent chills through the hearts of those who fear getting pregnant. Still, these things happen. If it happens to you, what do you do? Do you douche? In a certain way, it makes sense. You want that sperm out, and the douche will help get you clean quick, right? Wrong. The douche will squirt the sperm up, sending them on a joyride right toward their destination. So douching as a birth-control method is not recommended. Instead, try to reduce your pregnancy risk by using an effective method of contraception that works for you and condoms with sufficient lubrication. Emergency contraception (a.k.a. “the morning after pill”) is a great backup method should something not go as planned.

PRETTY IN PINK?

How many friends do you have who share the same skin color as you? No, no, we are not talking about race or ethnicity here. We mean the EXACT same color. Our guess is not many (if any). The same would probably be true if you were to compare the color of your inner labia.

Most inner labia are not just unique in terms of size and shape, they also vary in their color. Some are pink, some have purple hues, others are brown, and some are (or, with age, gradually turn) a bit gray. With few exceptions, no labia color is any better or healthier than others (one exception is that if you notice white patches of skin on your genitals, tell a healthcare provider, as this may signal a benign genital skin disorder that benefits from treatment; and if your labia or other vulva parts change in color, such as if they darken or develop moles, let a healthcare provider know so that he or she can examine them and make sure they are okay—more on this later in the chapter).

In our personal opinion, we feel that what is unique is beautiful. We once heard the colors of multicolored labia (it is sometimes a bit darker at the edges) described as being like a sunset. We love that image and are trying to reinforce comparisons between women’s genitals and beautiful images in nature. As women, we are after all a part of nature, as well.

However, if in spite of reassurance from us or from your partner or healthcare provider you are still feeling concerned about the color of your inner labia, there is a new product that claims to restore the youthful look of your inner labia by making them pink. According to the product instructions, “A common concern amongst women about their labia minora (inside vaginal lips) and genital area, is the color loss and color change due to age, health, and many other factors. When the question is put to the female population about what color is most appealing to the eye, for their labia minora, the answer is ‘Pink.’ This is also the majority response amongst males for what is aesthetically appealing to the eye of their sexual partner.”
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Even after disregarding the inaccuracy of this message (not all “young” women’s inner labia are pink), we are still disturbed by the notion that only pink inner labia are attractive inner labia. That aside, although we may share our opinions in this book, we have a zero-judgment policy. Your vulva is your own, and you should be able to do with it whatever you would like. That being said, we do want you to be fully informed when doing it. We could think of no better way of doing that than giving the dye a try ourselves. Does it work? Does it burn? Does it result in a yeast infection? We wanted to give you a review you could trust.

We started the process by doing a spot test on our arms. We thought that this would be a good way to check for allergies and a fun way to tape the experience for your at-home enjoyment on our
Genitales
podcast. Long story short: it stung Debby’s arm quite a bit and changed the color of her arm slightly. The discomfort, sting, and pain on her arm subsided after a few minutes, but it was enough for Debby to know that she didn’t want this stuff anywhere near her labia.

Vanessa did not have much of an allergic reaction to it (or any noticeable results—the dye didn’t seem to color her skin as much as it did Debby’s skin, but then again, Debby has lighter skin than Vanessa). Because Vanessa had less of an adverse reaction during the spot test, it was decided that it was best for Vanessa to use it on its intended area: that’s right, her labia. So, she did. The application process was quick and relatively easy given her comfort with and knowledge of her genitals. Unfortunately, the ease ended there. The process quickly turned from painless to what can best be described as sensations similar to that of an angry fire-ant colony attack on one’s genitals. The sixty seconds required before it could be washed off could not come quickly enough. Thankfully, with water came quick relief. Once out of the shower and dry, Vanessa felt her labia were ready for inspection. She noted a discernable difference. Although the color we had chosen looked deep pink on the package, it managed to transform the labia a shade of red. If she didn’t know any better, she would have guessed that her labia were just irritated (and we don’t just mean mad because of the painful experience she underwent). It was definitely the dye— and it had definitely made a difference. That being said, hair-coloring rules likely apply here: you can go a shade darker, but this will not help you to go any lighter. So, the final recommendation: if you are not dissuaded by the Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) that your labia may endure following the coloring and are willing to risk the potential for pain or discomfort, then this product may “work” to dye labia a darker color. If you feel as though the color of your labia is fading, or if you just want to try a new color on for size, then this product may give you a color boost. If you are wanting to dye your labia a lighter color, this product is likely not for you. That’s our honest review for you.

BLEACHING: AN ANAL-YSIS

Yes, we know this book is mostly about vulvas and vaginas and is not about the anus. Nevertheless, we thought this was an interesting topic and we figured, “Hey, the anus is the vulva’s neighbor!”

So what color is your anal opening? If you answered, “I have no idea,” then you are probably in good company. Many women (and men) have never given their anus a thorough anal-ysis before. For others, it can be a point of concern if they believe that it is too dark. Like the inner labia, there are dyes and lightening products available to address concerns about the color of one’s anal opening. Some of these are applied in salons, and others can be applied at home on one’s own. We’ve never tried these creams, but healthcare providers we know and trust generally do not recommend them (some suggest that certain lightening products may irritate the anal skin, which may, over time, lead to hyper-pigmentation or darkening of the skin). Given the lack of evidence on the safety or side effects related to anal-bleaching products, we’re not big fans. And anyway: your lover is probably just as clueless about the color of your anus as you are. Why not appreciate each other’s parts instead of trying to change them?

RECARPETING

“Does the carpet match the drapes?” As brunettes, we fortunately have avoided this question for most of our lives. Many redheaded and blonde ladies have not been so lucky. There are several famous examples of celebrities whose pubic hair color has been called into question based on the colors of the hair on their head (poor Lindsay).

The truth of the matter is that sometimes head hair and pubic hair match and other times they don’t. For some women, it may not naturally match, and for others, it may not match because they dye their head hair, and others may go gray in one area before the other. Like the hair on our head, pubic hair comes in all different colors, all of which are beautiful. If you still feel self-conscious about your hair down there, we don’t recommend using your typical hair dye in that sensitive area. It may be fine, but most hair dyes are not recommended for use on or near the genitals.

Purple Pubes?

That said, there is a new product line made specifically for dyeing pubic hair (see Resources). The owner claims to have come up with the idea while living in Europe. She said that she would notice salon customers lingering by the door, only to leave after the hairstylist approached them with a small brown bag of dye that they had mixed to match the hair on their head. The dye comes in “natural” colors, including blond, brown, and red. We particularly like their fun color line, which includes pink, purple, and bright green.

During a rebellious stage in high school, Vanessa used to dip into the bleach/blond hair dye and even played around with blue streaks. So the fun pubic hair dye colors brought back fond memories, and she volunteered to give it a try. We started with a spot test of the dye on Vanessa’s leg. While this is often recommended to help detect if you are hypersensitive or allergic to a cosmetic product, we also did it for the benefit of the podcast. If you want to see the spot test and the results, check it out on our podcast at
www.readmylipsthebook.tumblr.com
. After twenty-four hours with no reaction from her leg-dyeing adventure, it was time for the real deal. The process was not terribly difficult, but it was time consuming. It involves two steps:

1. Bleach the hair blonde.
   
2. Dye the hair your color of choice (in this case, purple).
   

We learned a few lessons during the spot test that definitely helped during the actual test. First of all, it is important to
follow the directions
. This may seem obvious, but it is important and seemed worth repeating. Second, you want to coat every hair from root to tip. It is going to become obvious if you miss a spot. Finally, if you use the boosting tip to save time (covering the spot with cellophane wrap and blow-drying for five to ten minutes), it is important to make sure that your hairdryer has several heat and speed options. Put your hairdryer on a low speed and a medium heat setting, and be sure to keep the hairdryer moving. The improper use of the hairdryer (on high heat in one place) may have contributed to Vanessa experiencing a slight reaction following the bleaching stage. Other than that, Vanessa felt like a blonde down there for the first time in her life! It was a complete transformation.

The directions recommend using the dye immediately after the bleach. She considered following the “rules,” but the first stage (being blond for once in her life) was so much fun that she waited a day before moving on to the dyeing-it-purple stage. The purple dyeing session went much more smoothly, as she’d learned from her previous mistake and was more careful with the hairdryer. In about ten minutes, she was in and out of the shower with a purple people eater all her own!

All in all, Vanessa felt that dyeing her pubes purple was a relatively easy process with surprisingly fun results. In addition to following the instructions (and considering our suggestions about hairdryer use above), we have a few additional tips/tricks:

• It is only recommended for use (as per the package insert) in a “safety zone.” This zone includes your mons pubis. In other words, it is not for dyeing hair on the outer labia. This is important for safety reasons, as getting the dye closer to your inner labia or vaginal opening could cause significant irritation. Thus, it is perhaps best used by those who want to stencil in a design or change the color of the hair on the mons—or who are into two-toned hair (dyed hair in the safety zone and natural color hair elsewhere).
  
• If you are not careful, it will dye your skin along with your hair. Don’t panic, the dye should wash off of your skin in a day or less. This may be helpful to know in case you are introducing someone new to the color or to your vulva for the first time. If that is the case, you may want to dye your hair at least twenty-four hours in advance in preparation/anticipation.
  
• If you are deciding between the blond and another color, we recommend the color! As mentioned, the process of coloring your pubic hair involves dyeing it blond first anyway. We think that getting the color is like a little freebie: two colors (blond plus a fun color, such as purple, green, pink) for the price of one.
  

Women’s pubic hair comes in all shapes, sizes, lengths, textures, and colors. Try not to stress if you think that your pubic hair is unusual. However, if you like the idea of unusual pubic hair, there are now plenty of color options for you to try—a definite option when lingerie gets old and you are feeling bold!

I wish more women knew that porn is airbrushed, and whatever size or color or shape their genitals are is just lovely. We (men especially, I think) have been conditioned to think that women’s genitals should be perfectly coiffed (or hairless), that the labia should be even and not too long, and that the clitoris should be straight. That’s ridiculous.