Read My Lips (4 page)

People have all sorts of words that they use to describe women’s genitals or specific genital parts, such as the clitoris or labia. When we’ve taught college students, we’ve sometimes asked them to list all the slang terms that they know for both women’s and men’s genitals. Then, we discuss the terms as a class. This can be a particularly valuable exercise in a mixed-gender class, as it may be the first time that some students have heard women voice their feelings of discomfort or offense with terms for women’s genitals that are violent (e.g., “ax wound”) or passive (e.g., “receptacle”).
¹⁹
It also provides a space for women to talk about the words that help them to feel that their genitals are places of pleasure and beauty that they should feel proud about. In addition, students get a chance to talk about their divergent views on certain terms, such as “cunt” or “pussy,” that are loved by some and hated by others.

One of our favorite terms for women’s genitals has long been “Little Miss Sassy”—one that we first heard in a research study that Debby conducted years ago at The Kinsey Institute. If you’re curious about female-genital slang, you may find it interesting to read through some of the terms we’ve heard in our classes and also in our research. For better or worse, the terms include:

More recently, Dr. O’Connell has suggested that perhaps a new name be used to describe the clitoris and the surrounding bodies: the name she suggests is “the clitoral complex.”
²¹
This is because the vagina, urethra, and clitoris appear to move hand-in-hand (or “clit-urethra-vag”?). Essentially, it seems that one cannot move or stimulate one of these three parts without moving or stimulating the other parts. This means that when a woman experiences penile-vaginal intercourse, her male partner’s penis is not only stimulating her vagina but is moving inside her in a way that also moves her urethra and clitoris (even if the penis does not touch these parts directly). This may also explain, at least in part, why some women feel as though they have to urinate when they are in the midst of intercourse or approaching orgasm. The penis may be indirectly stimulating the urethra (and maybe the bladder, too), as well as the nerves in these areas. For a more detailed discussion of orgasm and the nerve pathways, we recommend reading
The Science of Orgasm
.
²²

THE VAG IN ALL

Although the vaginal entrance is often technically called the “introitus” in medical circles, another name for it and the area just around it is the “vestibule”—coincidentally, this is also the name for the entrance to a church. In fact, some people have likened churches to vulvas in their design and in their ability to give birth to new life.

The Hymen

The vaginal opening of most girls’ bodies is partially covered with a thin layer of tissue called the hymen, which—although thin—is filled with blood vessels. It is important to note that the hymen does not fully cover the vaginal opening. If it did, a girl’s vagina would not be able to easily self-clean through the release of vaginal discharge. When a healthcare provider notices that a girl’s hymen completely covers her vaginal opening, he or she may wait to see if it resolves later during childhood or around the time of puberty. If it does not, a healthcare provider will often perform a procedure to create an opening so that when a woman menstruates, the blood and tissue have a way to leave the body. Otherwise, the blood can back up and create feelings of pain and pressure in a woman’s abdominal or pelvic area.

Some girls are not born with a hymen or are born with only a small amount of hymen tissue. Even girls who are born with a hymen may find that it wears away or tears during non-sexual activities during childhood or adolescence. A young woman may, without realizing it, tear her hymen while using tampons or during vaginal fingering that occurs as part of masturbation or sex play with a partner. As such, not all women notice vaginal bleeding when they first experience vaginal penetration or intercourse. Unfortunately, some people mistakenly believe that if a woman does not bleed when she first has intercourse that she must not truly have been a virgin. This is problematic for many reasons including those related to sexual double standards that suggest that women should be virgins until they get married but that men don’t have to be virgins at the time of marriage. Also, women in some cultures are pressured to “prove” their virginity, whereas men typically are not pressured to “prove” theirs, probably because there is no way to “prove” their virginity by looking at their penis or scrotum. If only more people realized that there is no sure way to “prove” women’s virginity either!

Even women who are not waiting to have sex until they are married sometimes feel confused if they have intercourse and don’t notice any blood. We have heard from women who wonder what it means when they don’t bleed the first time they have sex. They may ask, for example, if they are still virgins if they have had sex but didn’t bleed from it. Or they may ask if something is physically wrong with them if they did not bleed when they first had inter-course. A lack of bleeding at first sex does not necessarily mean that there is anything wrong with a woman or her body; vulvas and vaginas vary, just as women do, and not all women bleed when they first have sex, particularly if the hymen has been worn away from other activities.

Recently, in some countries, a procedure called a hymenoplasty has increased in popularity. It involves surgically placing new tissue over part of a woman’s vaginal opening as if it were a hymen. A woman might choose to have this procedure in an effort to try and “prove” to her new husband or his family that she is a virgin, even though she has previously (and perhaps secretly) had vaginal intercourse. Other women who are sexually experienced choose to have a hymenoplasty so that they can feel as though they are re-experiencing their virginity loss with a new partner. We know of a woman who chose to have this procedure done as an anniversary present for her husband, as neither one of them had been virgins when they met or married, and she wanted to experience the feeling of him taking her “virginity” (to her, this meant that she wanted to experience him penetrating her by tearing her newly created “hymen”). Some people may be intrigued by this idea; others may feel that this is a lot of expense, recovery time, and possibly discomfort or pain to go through for an anniversary celebration. Others are concerned that the procedure perpetuates the sexual double standard that women should remain virgins. If the idea sounds like fun sexual play, but you’d rather not go through a surgical procedure and its accompanying costs, risks, and recovery time, why not consider placing a penetrable material (e.g., wax paper) over a pair of crotchless panties? Or engage in dirty-talk fantasy play in which you pretend you’re involved in a devirginizing experience without actually breaking your hymen? A pain-free possibility!

The Vagina

The vagina is about three to four inches long when a woman is just hanging out and not feeling sexually aroused (it gets bigger during sexual arousal, but more on that later). At the far end of the vagina is the cervix, which is the opening to the uterus. The cervical opening is very small, which is why menstrual blood doesn’t “gush” out of it the way that water flows out of a faucet.

I am teaching my daughters the proper terms for their bodies and the bodies of boys, with help from some terrific books with accurate illustrations. I also tell them that MOST girls have vulvas and MOST boys have penises, but not always. I want them to understand gender in complex ways. I tell them the [only] way to know someone’s gender for certain is to ask.

—
D
EANNA,
41, Illinois

The vagina is not nearly as nerve-rich as the clitoris, which is probably a good thing as otherwise, vaginal birth might be a whole lot more painful than it already is for many women. Most of the nerve endings in the vagina are toward the vaginal entrance. Due to the lack of sensory nerve endings toward the back of the vagina, that part isn’t very sensitive, which is why a woman can’t generally feel a tampon or vaginal ring contraceptive (i.e., NuvaRing) inside her vagina if it’s pushed back far enough.

Although the vagina has long-been described as a muscular “tube,” research suggests that there may be several slightly different shapes for women’s vaginas. It’s not that there are dramatic differences between women’s vaginas, with some being very large and others being quite small. Slight differences in shape may, in part, account for why some women enjoy certain sexual positions or types of vaginal stimulation and others do not. If you’ve ever had a friend who swears by a certain position that makes you go “meh,” perhaps this helps explain some—but of course not all—of the differences between your experiences.

Fact!

The vagina, when unaroused, is only about three to four inches long.

What are these shapes, you ask? Well, there are five shapes identified thus far, and researchers have named them as follows: the heart, the pumpkin seed, the parallel sides, conical, and—get ready for this one—the slug. Why they ever thought that women would want their vagina to be named after a swamp creature, we’ll never know, but there it is. (In November 2010, Debby talked about these shapes to the cast of
The Doctors
on their television show, and they didn’t seem too keen on the slug name either.)

Shapes aside, it’s also true that these very same researchers didn’t find dramatic differences between the vaginal sizes of different women. Women who had had babies didn’t have vaginas that were any bigger overall than women who had not. So what accounts for differences in size and sensation if vaginas tend to be of a similar size? Several things might affect how vaginas feel, so read on!

LUBRICATION

Vaginal lubrication probably accounts for some of the differences in how “tight” or “loose” vaginas feel. After all, the wetter a woman’s vagina is, the less friction there will be during sex, as natural vaginal lubrication does just that—it lubricates the vagina to decrease friction and thus decrease sensation. A vagina that is low on lubrication and is thus drier will be higher on friction and sensation, but this isn’t always a good thing. According to our own research, women in the United States tend to prefer sex that feels pretty wet, as do most men, so there seems to be some happy medium that many women and their male or female partners strive for. Only you and your partner can determine what feels most pleasurable to you.

The Towel Trick

If vaginal intercourse or penetration with a sex toy feels pretty wet and as if there’s not a whole lot of sensation, try dabbing a towel on both of your genitals (we call this the “towel trick”). By reducing some of the wetness, you may feel more “tight” and full of sensation. On the other hand, if your vagina feels too dry or as if sex is uncomfortable or full of too much unpleasant sensation, try spending more time during foreplay doing exciting things to promote vaginal lubrication. You can also add some personal lubricant (water-based or silicone-based may be preferable, especially if you are using condoms) in order to enhance wetness, comfort, and pleasure.