Read My Lips (16 page)

ANOTHER V WORTH CELEBRATING: VIBRATORS!

Many women are curious about vibrators. In fact, according to research that our team published in 2009, 53 percent of women and nearly half of men have used a vibrator. Most men who had used a vibrator had done so with a partner, though nearly one out of five had tried vibrator play alone.
¹⁵
Here’s your opportunity for a crash course on vibrators for vivacious vaginal and vulvar play (how’s that for a bunch of Vs?), including how to choose vibrators and other sex toys and how to put them to good, and possibly orgasmic, use.

In her work as a sex educator and columnist, Debby is often asked how to choose a vibrator that’s good for beginners. While there is no one vibrator that will be right for everyone, here are a few things to keep in mind. A woman who is new to vibrators and other sex toys might be best served to choose one that:

• Delivers the kind of stimulation she knows that she enjoys.
  For example, women who prefer G-spot stimulation might want to choose a vibrator that can be inserted into the vagina for G-spot play.
  
• Has variable speeds.
  After all, if you’ve never used a vibrator before, the only way to know if you like light stimulation or very intense stimulation is to choose one that has multiple speeds, preferably one with a multi-speed dial rather than a toy with pre-set buttons that delivers certain intensities. That way, you can have more control over the degree of stimulation you want to try.
  
• Is easy to clean.
  This means that the toy should have few crevices and preferably come with cleaning instructions or information from a knowledgeable sales clerk at a sex boutique, in-home sex-toy party, or through information at a reputable web site (see Resources).
  
• Is affordable.
  Vibrator play should be pleasurable. If you’ve spent more than you can afford, you may be less likely to relax, let go, and enjoy the experience. Until you know what kind of vibrator you really like, stick with a less costly model that is well within your budget.
  
• Is safe.
  Try to choose a toy made of non-toxic, non-porous materials, such as glass or medical-grade silicone. Though silicone toys can be more expensive than Jelly toys, they tend to be safer and easier to clean and are often available at affordable price points (as are many glass vibrators and non-vibrating dildos).
  

If you have one of the following sex toys (some of which are vibrators, though not all are), consider these tips on pleasurable vulva and vagina play.

• Vaginal vibrators
  may be long, smooth, and almost cylindrical, or they may be shaped like a penis (some even have features that look like veins in the shaft and a scrotum). Vaginal vibrators are particularly good choices for women who enjoy vaginal stimulation and/or G-spot stimulation. You may want to choose a vaginal vibrator with a tapered end, as all too often the head of the vibrator is too large for comfortable insertion—even with exciting build-up and lubricant.
  
• Non-vibrating dildos
  are basically like vaginal vibrators but without the vibration. They too may resemble a penis (or not). More and more often, dildos are being made with non-toxic materials, such as glass or hardwood. Again, you’ll want to choose a shaft that can comfortably fit inside your vagina. One variation on dildos is the double dildo, which is well suited for sex play between two women. If you’re shopping for a dildo to use in a harness, you’ll want to make sure that it can fit inside the harness in a stable manner so that it doesn’t move around too much during sex play. Some harnesses come with dildos; if yours doesn’t, you may find it helpful to ask a knowledgeable store clerk if she recommends a certain dildo to go with your harness type.
  
• G-spot toys
  may be vibrating or non-vibrating. The chief difference is that they are curved for easier stimulation of the front vaginal wall.
  
• Clitoral vibrators
  are some of the most commonly used types of sex toys. Although many women enjoy vaginal penetration, our research suggests that more women use vibrators to stimulate their clitoris than the vagina. Popular clitoral models include the silver bullet and egg varieties, which can be found at most adult bookstores, sex boutiques, sex-toy web sites, and in-home sex-toy party companies. Clitoral-focused vibrators have an advantage in that they tend to be small and thus easier to use during vaginal intercourse with a partner, as they can slip easily in between partners’ bodies.
  
• Double-duty vibrators
  are sometimes called “dual action vibrators.” These models usually provide possibilities to stimulate the clitoris and vagina at the same time. The Rabbit is one of the more famous double-duty vibrators thanks to an appearance on
  Sex and the City
  . Look for a model that allows you to operate each part independently. That way, you can turn the clitoral vibrator on while leaving the vaginal vibrator off or vice versa.
  
• Triple-duty vibrators
  are sometimes more difficult to find in stores. They offer clitoral, vaginal, and anal stimulation.
  
• Vaginal balls (also called Ben Wa balls)
  don’t vibrate, but they’re an interesting sexual-enhancement aid in that they can be used for pleasure or for vaginal health (see chapter 2 for more information on Kegel exercises). Some women insert vaginal balls into their vagina and squeeze their pelvic-floor muscles to stimulate themselves as part of masturbation. Ben Wa balls and Smart Balls are among the types of vaginal balls that are widely available.
  
• Vibrating c-rings
  can be worn around a man’s penis. The ring puts slight constrictive pressure on a man’s penis and may feel pleasurable. Along one part of the ring, there is sometimes a small, bullet-like vibrator that, if worn on top of the shaft during face-to-face sex (such as missionary), may be well positioned to stimulate a woman’s clitoris. Note: a c-ring (also called a cock ring or penis ring) is generally not recommended for use for longer than twenty minutes at a time. It should also be removed if a man finds it uncomfortable or if he’s had experiences with penile bruising or pain from wearing such rings.
  

TEST YOUR VQ

1. The clitoral complex is composed of all of the following EXCEPT the

a. vagina

b. urethra

c. labia

d. clitoris

2. A woman may experience orgasm as a result of sensory information from which of the following nerves:

a. pudendal nerve

b. pelvic nerve

c. hypogastric nerve

d. vagus nerve

e. all of the above

3. According to data from the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior (NSSHB), approximately how many women experienced difficulty with lubrication during their most recent experience having sex?

a. 5 percent

b. 10 percent

c. 30 percent

d. 50 percent

Answers

1. c

2. e

3. c

• 4 •

How Do I Look?

How We Come to Think and Feel the Way We Do about Our Vulvas

I’LL SHOW YOU MINE IF YOU SHOW ME YOURS

As a young child, did you ever play “doctor”? Or games like “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours”? If so, you’re not alone. A number of research studies—including a study that Debby worked on years ago when she first began working at The Kinsey Institute— have found that young children (both girls and boys) play games like this.
¹
It’s a common way that girls and boys learn about their bodies and explore the world around them.

A particularly interesting study on this topic was conducted in Germany by Dr. Bettine Schuhrke.
²
She studied children at age two and again at age six to understand how they came to learn about their genitals. Specifically, she asked one parent of each child in the study (typically she asked the mother) to answer questions about the various ways that their child had indicated an interest in their own or another’s genitals. She found that, at the age of two, over 90 percent of the children had behaved in a way that indicated an interest in another person’s genitals (e.g., the genitals of the child’s mother, father, brother, sister, etc.). In her research article, Dr. Schuhrke provided an example of a toddler who noticed her father’s penis as he was changing one day. The toddler asked to touch it and her father allowed her to. The toddler continued to ask every day for about a week and a half before she lost interest in her father’s penis. Although this is an example of a girl learning about male genitals, the young girls in the study were equally as interested in learning about the vulva.

Another interesting finding is that children in this study typically only began to explore and ask questions about other people’s genitals after they had already explored their own. Why is this important? First of all, if you have or care for children now or in the future, we want you to feel prepared for some very common situations of general exploration. There’s no reason to feel alarmed if, for instance, your child points to your genitals or asks questions about your genitals while you’re going to the bathroom, taking a shower, or changing clothes. Second, and more importantly, we want to reassure you that this is totally and completely 100 percent normal. Genital curiosity begins at a stage before most children are even able to contemplate the complications of playing doctor or house. And if children are exposed to family members of another sex, then they often want to know why their private parts look different from their own. All of this is a normal part of how young humans learn about bodies.

Cunt-parisons

Given how common it is for children to explore their own genitals and those of other children, you might wonder what happens to this genital curiosity as children get older. Some children don’t do much exploring for years. They may be satisfied with having learned about the differences between boys’ bodies and girls’ bodies, or they may have been scolded for touching their own genitals or those of a friend and feel scared or embarrassed to touch themselves or ask to see another child’s body again. Other children continue their exploration. As children become more “sex-segregated”—meaning that girls tend to play mostly with other girls and boys tend to play mostly with other boys—some of this genital curiosity turns into genital comparison. Women in our research studies have talked about comparing their vulvas, and specifically their labia, with their friends. Also, in her book
Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang
, comedian and author Chelsea Handler wrote about learning to masturbate at a sleepover at a childhood friend’s home.
³
Like teenagers and adults, children compare bodies and genitals both because they are curious and also because they want to know if they are “normal.”

As a professional dancer early on in my career (I was perhaps 20), I was in a show where everyone was super comfortable and we were always naked in our dressing room. I remember some of my friends comparing labia one day and for me, I had never stared so closely or had such an up close look at a vagina other than mine. I found it fascinating. I loved seeing how different they all were. I haven’t had much opportunity since then (aside from porn) as my partners have all been men.

—
K
ATE,
28, Canada

For many other body parts, the “am I normal?” question is an easy one to answer. If we want to know whether our ears are large or small, all we have to do is look around at other people’s ears. After all, ears are everywhere and easily seen. The same is true for noses, butts, and even—to some extent—breasts (though it’s not always so easy to tell what’s real or not due to padded/enhanced bras and breast implants). From these comparisons, we can usually identify where we fit along the spectrum of height, weight, breast size, nose size, ear size, and so on. We may not be thrilled with what we notice, but at least people have a sense of where they belong and the knowledge that others are like them.

Vulvas are an entirely different story. How are girls or women supposed to know what other vulvas look like? Vulvas are not noses or even breasts. Even in leggings or bathing suits it can be tricky to see any genital detail. When we’ve asked this question to groups of men, they often are quick to suggest that there are plenty of opportunities for women to compare and contrast genitals, frequently citing the locker room as a good place to get a sense of what other women’s genitals look like. Those of us who spend time at the gym know that’s not the case, though. First, it feels creepy and inappropriate to stare at other women’s genitals when uninvited. Second, few women parade around the gym completely nude. In our gym experiences, women seem to spend only a short amount of time naked before putting their clothes back on. And third, even when women are nude, there’s rarely much that one can see. Pubic hair, for those who keep it, conceals some parts of the vulva. Also, unless a woman parts her legs, there’s not often a lot to see. Vulva parts are naturally kind of “hidden” between a woman’s legs.

The first real one I saw was my sister’s—when she needed me to help her apply some medication. I was surprised, and I think pleased, that hers and mine looked so similar.