Read My Lips (13 page)

I wish that more women knew that for a lot of women, vaginal intercourse is NOT the most satisfying sexual activity and therefore there is NOTHING wrong with women who do not “get off” on vaginal intercourse. I think this would increase the quality of women’s sex lives as they’re able to explore alternative options (such as anal intercourse, oral sex, vibrators, etc.).

—
A
LANA,
22, Indiana

THE EXCITED VULVA AND VAGINA

During sexual excitement, increased blood flow to the genital area means changes for the entire genital area. The labia minora (inner lips) are filled with blood vessels. This means that during sexual arousal, when these blood vessels engorge with blood, the labia may appear larger than usual. With increased blood flow, they may also develop into a deeper shade of pink, red, or purple. Some scientists believe that the mons pubis (the triangular area where hair often grows; also called the “mons”) is a site where pheromones are released and that pubic hair may trap pheromones that can be “read” by potential partners as a sort of sexual signal.
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Still, it’s not known whether pubic hair truly serves this pheromone-trapping function or not.

Some people also feel that sexual arousal and excitement change how the G-spot area of the vagina feels, with some saying that the G-spot feels harder or more pronounced when a woman is sexually excited. If you’re curious about trying G-spot stimulation, you may want to try first arousing yourself through fantasy, dirty talk, clitoral stimulation, kissing, watching porn, touching your partner (and being touched), or whatever else turns you on. Once you feel sufficiently excited or aroused, you may find it easier to locate your own G-spot. If you’re interested in engaging in a little G-spot exploration with a female partner, try building her arousal through breast play, kissing, or whatever gets her motor humming for at least ten or fifteen minutes before attempting G-spot stimulation. It may be that her G-spot is easier for you or her to find—or at the very least that her G-spot exploration is more comfortable—once the vagina has had more of a chance to lubricate during arousal.

TRANSUDATE: A BORING WORD WITH EXCITING IMPLICATIONS

Speaking of vaginal lubrication, did you know that sexual excitement is one of the leading triggers for vaginal wetness and natural lubrication? Here’s how: as blood flows to the genitals during sexual excitement and arousal, something cool happens. Transudate (basically, a clear part of the blood) passes through the blood vessels and vaginal walls, where it lubricates the walls and thus gets the name “vaginal lubrication” or, more casually, “vaginal wetness.”
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This is one reason why sexual excitement and arousal are key to vaginal lubrication. If a woman and her partner skip foreplay or don’t spend time on arousal and just jump into sex, then there may not be enough time for blood to flow to the genitals in any significant amount. If blood flow doesn’t increase to the genitals, then the transudation process isn’t going to happen. And if transudation doesn’t occur, then there’s not going to be much vaginal lubrication to make penetration more slippery, comfortable, and pleasurable.

MEN TALK MUFFS

We asked men what they like about women’s genitals and whether there are certain qualities that they prefer over others. Here’s what they had to say:

“Moisture, warmth.”—Andres, 31, Spain

“I have only ever been with my girlfriend, so I have no base of comparison, but I can definitely say that I like to feel how soft and warm her genitals are. I like how slick she gets when I excite her and her heady scent. I like her hair, how it collects her pheromones and the rush I get when I pleasure her orally. Sometimes I get a hair on the back of my tongue but that’s nothing to harp about in comparison to stroking her soft hair and her labia while we wind down after making love.”—Chris, 22, Canada

“I like a little pubic hair verses a vagina being shaved bare.”—John, 36, Georgia

“Taste, smell, less hair is better, lubricated.”—Austin, 31, Wisconsin

“Large clit, large lips (labia).”—Peter, 46, Illinois

“I think there is something inherently magical about seeing a woman’s vagina glistening.”—Tyrese, 25, Virginia

“I like the soft feel, the folds to explore, the way they can get me excited.”—Dan, 51, Massachusetts

“Everything! The variety of shapes and colours. The hair. I much prefer genitals with hair. I also like exposed/protruding inner labia. I just think female genitals are hugely interesting and attractive—much more than people generally think.”—Henry, 60, UK

“Love the shape of them and how each one is different from the other. Also like the metallic taste when it is soft (not too strong). Nice smell and overall cleanliness is also something that I really like. I also like the complexity of the vagina, especially when compared to the penis. It is much more intricate and varied, and it is great to learn how every woman gets pleasure from her vagina in a slightly (or completely different) way.”—Victor, 30, Peru

“They look like a flower. Like an orchid. I like them best when they have some exterior vulva. Like, after a woman has had a child, they are sexier looking. I like them shaved so that nothing covers the view of them. I like the scent and taste. I love it when some of the skin pulls outward and pushes inward on each stroke. I like how they are so close to the woman’s anus. One good lick can hit both spots. I love it when they trickle liquid from a woman’s excitement. I love how the inside of their pussy feels when I insert a finger or two. I love to find and rub the G-spot while licking them.”—Tom, 45, New York

“The heat, the slickness, tightness, the structure of the labia appeals to me, and the aesthetics and feel of the clitoris are also great. The parts I feel are more important than the parts I see.”—Patrick, 18, Canada

“I prefer hairy, but not on the thighs. I prefer long inner lips. I prefer darker color. I prefer large clitoris and hood.”—Ben, 70, Canada

“I like how dynamic they are, depending on the state of arousal. I like how they feel when they are wet from excitement. I like how they taste, look and smell. I love the clitoris.”—Mike, 44, Taiwan

“It is like a mystery cave over the years I have figured out spots that are good hiding areas and can arouse a woman.”—Klaus, 32, New York

“Bald, smells nice. Tastes delicious. When it squirts, it’s nice.”—Mark, 31, Canada

“They look so beautiful, and they feel so beautiful. They have lovely variations in texture, changing with increasing wetness. The way in which the vulva opens up with increasing excitement is as welcoming as anything humanly possible. The delicately shifting folds, the kissable accessible bits, the lickable less-accessible bits, the let’s-feel-how-deep-this-goes remoter bits—they’re all delectable. Pubic hair—lovely stuff—good to stroke, to tease, to feel scratching my belly.”—William, 48, UK

“I like the softness of the area in general, how easily it responds to a touch. I like how it is always warm. I don’t have a preference for pronounced or minimal inner or outer labial areas that I’m aware of. I like the general shape and how the lines of the body seem to converge there. I usually like the taste and smells associated with a woman’s genitals.”—Joe, 29, Georgia

“The softness, when it is wet, the way it expands and conforms to the shape of my penis.”—Don, 49, Missouri

“They are a beautiful, complex creation. They turn me on, particularly my partner’s. I like that she has very little hair near her outer lips (naturally) but hair on her mons. This makes oral sex very enjoyable for me, but also gives her a ‘womanly’ look.”— Stephen, 28, Minnesota

“They are a welcoming place of total love. They say, cum and stay a while, as you are, completely and wholly accepted.”—Brian, 45, Minnesota

“I like long, smooth, symmetrical lips—something voluptuous that captures the gaze and imagination. I like large clits, but I don’t get as excited over them as I do over lips and hoods. I like a vulva to be big, lips unfurled, and deep in its cleft. And scent is very important—some scents are profoundly more attractive than others. And wetness—I like her to produce as much come as possible, whether watery or thick. I love cunts :)”—Adam, 31, Maine

“Taste, smell, feel. I like pubic hair, so I prefer it when women do not remove all of it.”—Gary, 23, Oklahoma

Mostly, I only enjoy clitoral stimulation because penetration is not that enjoyable unless it’s a really big penis. I don’t seem to feel anything in the first few inches, which I have always found strange.

—
C
LARA,
21, Ireland

That said, excitement isn’t the only key to unlocking the door to the castle of vaginal lubrication. A woman’s estrogen levels are also important to vaginal lubrication.
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Even young babies (who have high levels of estrogen thanks to having just come from their mom’s body) experience vaginal lubrication.
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As girls go through puberty and experience increases in estrogen, they again may notice extra amounts of vaginal wetness even when they don’t feel aroused or excited. This is, in part, why women may notice changes in their natural vaginal wetness throughout their menstrual cycle, as estrogen levels change during their cycle. When estrogen levels are low—such as when a woman is breastfeeding or when she approaches menopause or is postmenopausal—she may experience vaginal dryness. Women who take low-dose estrogen birth-control pills may also notice less vaginal lubrication. The bottom line is that estrogen plays a big role in vaginal lubrication and wetness. If you ever notice significant changes to your experience of vaginal lubrication even though you’re feeling sexually aroused, it’s worth asking your healthcare provider to look further into the issue, as your hormones may be partially responsible.

LOW TIDE

Although people often associate vaginal dryness and lubrication difficulties with menopause, women of all ages may experience related problems from time to time. In our recent study, the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior (NSSHB), we found that nearly one-third of women ages eighteen to fifty-nine experienced difficulties with lubrication during their most recent sexual encounter.
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Specifically, vaginal lubrication difficulties during the most recent sexual event were reported by

• 35.1 percent of women ages 18–24
  
• 29.1 percent of women ages 25–29
  
• 31.5 percent of women ages 30–39
  
• 36.1 percent of women ages 40–49
  
• 48.3 percent of women ages 50–59
  
• 65.2 percent of women ages 60–69
  

That’s a lot of women reporting difficulty with vaginal lubrication! And as you can see, although vaginal-lubrication problems are more common among older women, it’s not only a problem for older women. Even many young women—35 percent of college-aged women—experience such difficulties on occasion. Because young women’s bodies should be able to produce natural vaginal lubrication on their own, we’re guessing that many of these women’s sexual experiences could be improved by relaxing and spending more time in foreplay or exciting sex play prior to penetration.

I’ve experienced all kinds of orgasms, double orgasms, cascade orgasms that lasted for minutes, all kinds. But I think my favorite happened when I was stuck in rush hour traffic in a major midwest city. It was bumper to bumper, and was late in the year, so it was dark already. I was bored, so I got a wild idea and got my vibrator out of my bag (I was driving home from a weekend away). And I masturbated while I inched along the expressway. When I came, I yelled so loudly, I wondered if other people in other cars could hear me. That was part of the thrill; I was in public, doing something forbidden, and it was fantastic.

—
K
ELLY,
25, Illinois

Lubrication helps to decrease friction and, in turn, can help sex to feel more comfortable and pleasurable. It can also reduce the risk of a woman experiencing vaginal cuts and tears during vaginal penetration or intercourse. Vaginal dryness, on the other hand, can make sex feel tight (in a not-very-pleasant way for most) and may be uncomfortable for both partners. As such, it may be worth your time to learn how to enhance your natural vaginal lubrication—or call in the reinforcements (store-bought lube) when wanted or needed.

WAYS TO GET WET

What can you do to have more pleasurable, comfortable sex? Here are a few ideas:

1. Spend more time in foreplay (or whatever it is that feels exciting to you and your partner).
   This will allow your body to have sufficient time to “warm up,” meaning more time for blood flow to increase to the genitals, for transudation to happen, and consequently, for natural lubrication to kick in. Aim for spending at least ten or fifteen minutes doing something that feels arousing for you. It might be breast play, sex-toy play, oral sex, massage, dirty talk, or reading or watching erotica together that turns you on. When you and your body feel ready to romp (a feeling of vaginal throbbing is often a good sign!), chances are that your vagina will be ready, too, with sufficient wetness.
   
2. Create optimal conditions for sex.
   If you like to shower or take a bath before sex, wait to have sex until you’ve relaxed for a while post-shower/bath. Why? Because taking a bath or shower can dry the vagina—just as it turns the rest of our skin into wrinkly “prunes” after a long bath or swim. Taking time to let the vaginal tissues re-hydrate can help.
   
3. Talk to your healthcare provider
   . It may be that your vaginal-lubrication difficulties are related to medications, aging, breastfeeding, or medical conditions that you may be experiencing.
   
4. Choose wisely
   . If you and a sexual partner are using condoms, choose lubricated condoms. They can help to decrease friction and make sex feel more comfortable.
   
5. Ask your healthcare provider about a vaginal moisturizer.
   If you are experiencing ongoing issues with vaginal dryness, then a vaginal moisturizer might be right for you. Some moisturizers are enhanced with hormones, and others do not contain hormones. If you have a history of breast cancer or are otherwise concerned about hormones, let your healthcare provider know. Vaginal moisturizers are often applied at night before bed by using an applicator that delivers moisture to the vagina. Using a vaginal moisturizer often leaves the vagina feeling moist for several days.
   
6. Consider using a lubricant.
   Water-based lubricants and silicone-based lubricants can be used with latex condoms. Steer clear of oil-based lubricants if you’re using latex condoms, as they can cause latex condoms to break. If you’re using silicone sex toys or birth control (such as a silicone diaphragm or cervical cap), choose a water-based lubricant over a silicone-based lubricant, as the latter may degrade or damage silicone products. Research that we’ve conducted at the Center for Sexual Health Promotion and published in 2011 in the
   Journal of Sexual Medicine
   shows that when women used the water-based or silicone-based lubricants in our study, they generally rated sex as more pleasurable and satisfying than when they didn’t use lubricant.
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   That said, other researchers have found that some lubricants may slow down sperm and thus may not be good choices for people trying to become pregnant. If you’re trying to conceive, ask your healthcare provider for his or her opinion about Pre-Seed or other lubricants that have been designed to be more friendly to sperm.