Ravenhill Plays: 1: Shopping and F***ing; Faust is Dead; Handbag; Some Explicit Polaroids (Contemporary Dramatists) (20 page)

David
     Oooh, I think they’ll forgive me. Drink?

Phil
     I’ve gotta go.

David
     Stay for a drink. I’ll raid the boardroom. Glass of wine? Beer?

Phil
     Alright. Beer.

Exit
David
.
Phil
goes over to a TV/video. Pushes play. Video starts:

Suzanne
(
on video
)     And that tea. Is that your regular brand of tea?

Lorraine
(
on video
)     Oh yeah. We always have this one.

Suzanne
(
on video
)     And why do you think that is, Lorraine?

Lorraine
(
on video
)     I don’t know. It’s a family thing.

Suzanne
(
on video
)     Is that an important consideration when you’re shopping?

Lorraine
(
on video
)     You get a taste for things, don’t you?

Enter
David
with two cans of beer.

Suzanne
(
on video
)     So, you wouldn’t say you often try new products?

Lorraine
(
on video
)     Do you think I’m old-fashioned?

David
     Drinks are served.

You enjoying that?

Phil
     Is that your job?

David
     A part of it.

Phil
     Ask people about tea bags?

David
     Right now, we’re the most sought-after team in the business.

Phil
     To ask people about tea bags?

David
     To ask people about tea bags . . . in a completely new way. We actually go and live with the consumers of tea bags. Tea bags and air fresheners and pizzas. The full gamut of modern life. Live with them for a week, take along a video camera and video their choices, their habits and discover all the stuff statistics never tell us. Yeah. Thought you’d be impressed.

Phil
     Live with them?

David
     Live with them.

Phil
     Could get a bit . . .

David
     Strictly impersonal. Observation not relationship orientated.

Phil
     Still, you must think about . . . I mean, she’s (
Woman on video.
) . . . she’s alright, isn’t she?

David
     Not my type.

Phil
     No. What’s your type?

David
     Well . . .

Phil
     Bet your type’s more. . .

David
     Yes?

Phil
     Bet I’m more your type.

David
     What makes you think that?

Phil
     ’Cos you’re a good Samaritan with a stiffy.

David
     Well . . . yes.

Phil
     Good Samaritan. He didn’t walk by. That’s the one, isn’t it? Didn’t walk by. Got involved.

Phil
kneels down, undoes
David
’s flies. Sucks
David
’s cock. Almost instantly,
David
’s pager goes off.

Phil
     Fucking hell. What’s that?

David
     Pager.

Phil
     I thought you were alarmed.

David
     Listen . . . I’ve got to go.

Phil
     Tea bag emergency?

David
     Come on. I’ve got to go.

Phil
     I’ll finish you off.

David
     No.

Phil
     Can’t go until I’ve finished you off.

David
     It’s really very important. I . . .

Phil
     Only take a few minutes.

Phil
unclips the pager from
David
’s trousers, sets it down some distance away from them, then unzips
David
’s flies and starts sucking him off again. This goes on for some time. The pager beeps.
David
tries to move but
Phil
holds him in place. More sucking. The pager is still beeping.
David
struggles to get to it.
Phil
gets there first.

Phil
     Don’t let it control you.

David
     Please.

Phil
     Be your own person. Say: this is my time and I am my own person.

David
     Come on.

Phil
reads the page.

Phil
     ‘Labour started’?

David
     That’s right.

Phil
     What does that mean? Labour started?

David
     It means . . . it means my child is about to be born.

Phil
     Yeah? Poof with a kid. Wicked.

David
     So. Yeah, wicked. I ought to / go to the hospital.

Phil
     I wasn’t there. My kid was born. I wasn’t there. Her mother was in another hostel. They never told me. She should have told me but she’s a junkie cunt.

David
     Did you want to be there?

Phil
     Best to keep away. Do you want to be there?

David
     Yes.

Phil
     I can’t even take care of myself. I can’t work it out. There’s so much to do, isn’t there? You’ve got to clean yourself, your clothes, your room. You’ve gotta buy things and pay for things and order things. All this stuff just to take care of yourself. I mean, I can’t see how anyone does it. I just can’t cope. How do you cope?

David
     I don’t know. It’s just natural.

Phil
     For you. Yes. For people like you. But for me . . . I mean I cut myself. In the bathroom or the kitchen or whatever. All the time these little cuts. And I look down at it, at the blood and that and I think: I should do something about this. I should . . . it should be natural to know what to do. But I can’t remember or maybe I never knew. So I just stand there. Watch myself bleeding.

David
     Sort yourself out.

Phil
     I’m trying, you know. I try. But things just keep on fucking up.

David
     Then try harder.

Phil
     I wet myself. I wet the bed. Every night I wake myself up with it and I don’t know what to do and I lie in it.

David
     That’s disgusting.

Phil
     I know.

David
     Get a doctor. Get a social worker.

Phil
     Get a life.

David
     Yeah. Get a life.

Phil
     Oh oh oh. I’ve done it. I’ve pissed myself.

David
     Stop it. Stop that.

Phil
     Please. Please. Help me.

David
     Clean yourself up.

Phil
     I don’t know how. Please. Please. Don’t want to be like this. Damp and pissy. You gotta. . .

David
     Come on then. Alright. Alright.

David
removes
Phil
’s trousers and mops him down.

Phil
     Has it gone now? Did you make it go away?

David
     Yes. All gone now.

Phil
     You’re clever. I like you. See, I need you. What do you do with this? [
The cloth.
]

David
     You wash it.

Phil
     How do you do that then?

Beat
.

Do you want me to finish you off?

David
     . . . Yes.

Phil
     Yes
please
.

David
     Yes please.

Phil
     Twenty quid.

David
     I’m sorry?

Phil
     Twenty quid. Come on. Nothing’s for nothing. Twenty quid.

Flat.

Suzanne
videos
Lorraine
,
who is eating.

Suzanne
     So what’s that, Lorraine?

Lorraine
     It’s a pizza.

Suzanne
     What type of . . . ?

Lorraine
     Cheese and tomato pizza.

Suzanne
     A cheese and tomato pizza.

Lorraine
     Want some?

Suzanne
     No thank you.

Lorraine
     If you want a bit . . .

Suzanne
     No thank you.

Lorraine
     Is that ‘getting involved’?

Suzanne
     . . . That’s right.

Lorraine
     You’re not allowed to do that, are you?

Suzanne
     There doesn’t seem to be . . . I can’t see very much cheese.

Lorraine
     You oughtta eat something.

Suzanne
     In fact, I can’t see any cheese at all.

Lorraine
     That’s right.

Suzanne
     So . . . a cheese and tomato pizza with no cheese. That’s a bit unusual.

Lorraine
     There was cheese.

Suzanne
     Yes?

Lorraine
     But I scraped it off.

Suzanne
     I see. / Scraped it off.

Lorraine
     Yeah. Scraped it off. Go on. Taste it. It’s nice.

Suzanne
     Why did you scrape it off, Lorraine? Don’t you / like the cheese?

Lorraine
     You’ll waste away, you will.

Suzanne
     Why did you buy a cheese and tomato pizza and scrape off the cheese?

Lorraine
     Do you think I’m weird?

Suzanne
     I’m not here to pass judgement.

Lorraine
     You think I’m weird.

Suzanne
     No, no, no.

Lorraine
     You think it’s stupid, scrape off the cheese.

Suzanne
     No.

Lorraine
     Taste it.

Suzanne
     . . . No.

Lorraine
     Maybe it is stupid.

Suzanne
     Hey, we’re all a bit stupid sometimes. Sometimes I’m very stupid. Sometimes I’m totally bonkers.

Lorraine
     You’re not.

Suzanne
     I am.

Lorraine
     You’re not.

Suzanne
     So why did you scrape off the cheese, Lorraine?

Lorraine
     My mum used to scrape off the cheese.

Suzanne
     I see. Your mum used to scrape off the cheese.

Lorraine
     That’s right. Little bit. You know you want it.

Suzanne
     Well . . . thank you.

Lorraine
     You’re involved now.

Suzanne
     Not really.

Lorraine
     Put it down [
the camcorder
] for a minute.

Suzanne
     No.

Lorraine
     You’re always on the job you, aren’t you?

Suzanne
     Not always, no. Just now . . . I’m . . . I’m on the job now. So. Your mum used to scrape off the cheese but now she . . . She used to but now she . . . Lorraine?

Pause.

Suzanne
     Lorraine?

Lorraine
     She died. Last month, she died.

Suzanne
     I’m sorry.

Lorraine
     Yeah, well done now, isn’t it?

Long pause.

Suzanne
     Lorraine . . . I’m sorry.

Long pause.

Lorraine
     There’s lots more in the freezer. You can have a whole one.

Suzanne
     No. Thank you.

Lorraine
     Alright then.

Suzanne
comes over. Hesitates. Hugs
Lorraine
.

Lorraine
     What was that for?

Suzanne
     Just because . . . I didn’t mean. . .

Lorraine
     It’s alright. . .

Suzanne
     Yes?

Lorraine
     Yeah. It was nice.

Pause.
Suzanne
hugs
Lorraine
.
Kisses the top of her head.
Lorraine
laughs, kisses the top of
Suzanne
’s head. Pause.
Suzanne
kisses
Lorraine
’s lips lightly.
Lorraine
laughs, kisses
Suzanne
’s lips. Pause.
Suzanne
kisses
Lorraine
on the mouth for some time.