Ravenhill Plays: 1: Shopping and F***ing; Faust is Dead; Handbag; Some Explicit Polaroids (Contemporary Dramatists) (19 page)

Suzanne
     Put it away. Put it away.

Beat
.

Mauretta
     Go on. Give it a go.

Suzanne
     Yes?

Mauretta
     Yeah. Go on. If that’s what it takes. . .

David
     Alright. (
Porn star voice
.) Oh Brad, yeah. Give me that baby. Give it to me.

Exit
David
with porn.

Suzanne
     I thought you wouldn’t want . . .

Mauretta
     Anything that works. Just waiting for the starter’s orders now. My body’s ready now, you know? All those little hormones rushing around screaming . . . come on, come on. We’re up for it. Start the clock.

Suzanne
     It’s gonna work.

Mauretta
     Think so?

Suzanne
     I know it is.

Mauretta
     How?

Suzanne
     I dunno. I just . . . believe. I love you.

Mauretta
     I love you.

Suzanne
     Mummy.

Mauretta
     Mummy.

Enter
David
and
Tom
.

Mauretta
     How did you . . . ?

Tom
holds up a cup
.

Tom
     Ta-tum. All done.

David
     Got there all by himself.

Suzanne
     Well done.

They all hug and kiss
Tom
.
Tom
gives the cup to
Mauretta
.

Mauretta
     When I was a kid my dad walked out. One day he came home and he packed a bag and he stuck his head round the door and he said: ‘I’m going out.’ And that was it. He was gone and we never mentioned him again.

But people would look at you and they’d say: ‘It’s not right. A mum and a dad’s best for a kid. A kid’s gotta have a mum and a dad.’

So they should be fucking pleased now. Because you, my child, will be doubly blessed. There’s a positive glut of parents here for you. You’ve enough mummies and daddies that if one decides to pack a bag and move on you’ve got plenty to be going on with.

And we love you and we want you and we’re waiting for you.

Mauretta
kisses the cup, passes it around the others who each kiss the cup. Loud music through the walls.

Suzanne
     Oh God. The child abuser.

Tom
     Yes?

Suzanne
     Next door. The child abuser. We reckon he’s got all the local kids in there. Chopped up.

Tom
     No?

Suzanne
     And we reckon he turns the music up really loud so you can’t hear the screams.

Tom
     Oh.

David
     Joke.

Suzanne
     Yes. It’s a joke.

Mauretta
     Right then.

Suzanne
     Right then. Here we go.

Mauretta
     Can’t let this get cold.

Suzanne
     Fingers crossed.

Suzanne
kisses
Mauretta
.
Exit
Suzanne
and
Mauretta
.

Tom
     It’s really not very conducive. Boom boom boom. What’s that? (
The porn.
)

David
     That? Doesn’t matter.

Tom
     Show me. Oh. Why did you . . . ?

David
     Just thought you might need . . .

Tom
     Not with that.

David
     Alright.

Tom
     No. I don’t want this to be . . . that’s . . . it’s sordid.

David
     Sorry.

Tom
     . . . Sorry. I just want everything to be . . . You see so many kids. At the end of school, the parents come and pick them up. And I watch them from the staffroom window, and they grab hold of the kid’s hand and it’s: ‘shut up’ – swipe – ‘keep your fucking mouth shut’. I mean, how’s a child supposed to grow, develop and grow, when there’s so much anger and, and . . . ugliness? And that’s why I want . . . We can do so much better than that. We can create something calm and positive. We can do that.

Pause.

David
     I love you.

Tom
     And . . . I love you. Daddy.

David
     Daddy.

Victoria Station.

Prism
, in great distress, is searching. She carries a suitcase.

Prism
     Oh . . . where? Oh where can it be?

Enter
Augusta
, carrying a large handbag.

Prism
     Oh thank God.

(
To
Augusta
.) Excuse me. Excuse me. You’ve made a terrible mistake.

Augusta
     I don’t think so.

Prism
     But you have.

Augusta
     I never make mistakes.

Prism
     Please – there has been an awful muddle.

Augusta
     Let me pass.

Prism
     We must sort out this confusion.

Augusta
     Are you a lunatic?

Prism
     I am a novelist.

Augusta
     That is much the same thing.

Prism
     No.

Prism
grabs the handbag.

Augusta
     Let go of my bag.

Prism
     It’s not your bag.

Augusta
     I was warned that London would be like this. Lunatics, / brigands, vagabonds.

Prism
     It’s not your bag. It is my bag. This . . . This is your bag.

Augusta
     Oh. Are you sure?

Prism
     Quite sure.

Augusta
     How can you tell?

Prism
     Because they are quite different. Look. Look.

Augusta
     I’m afraid looking is not one of my natural talents.

Prism
     But surely you / can see . . . ?

Augusta
     In fact all my talents are quite artificial. I shall use my glasses. Oh. What is this?

Prism
     It is a handbag.

Augusta
     A handbag?

Augusta
drops the bag
.

Prism
     Don’t. No. Don’t. / Take care.

Augusta
     An ordinary handbag.

Prism
     If you have caused any / damage –

Augusta
     The most ordinary handbag I have ever seen.

Prism
     How superficial you are. You must think of the inside. What is inside is of great importance.

Augusta
     To challenge substance over style is quite a challenge to society, is it not?

Prism
(
talking into bag
)     There. There. No damage done. You are quite alright.

Augusta
     Whatever are you . . .?

Prism
     The manuscript of my new novel.

Augusta
     You are rather plain to be a novelist, are you not?

Prism
     I don’t think you should call me plain. Plain is a rather insulting word to use with someone you don’t know.

Augusta
     What an eejit . . . foolish person I am. I was forgetting one of the primary rules of life: insult only those to whom you have been introduced. Miss O’Flaherty.

Prism
     Miss Prism.

Augusta
     Prism. That is rather scientific, is it not?

Prism
     O’Flaherty. That is rather Irish, is it not?

Augusta
     Pray, don’t talk to me about Ireland. I detest Ireland.

Prism
     But you are Irish.

Augusta
     Oh there are very few Irish left nowadays on account of their choosing to die in such vast numbers. If one encounters famine, they all must.

Prism
     You sound Irish.

Augusta
     How persistent you are. I am not Irish. Except by birth and upbringing. Which, I am sure you will agree, are of no relevance whatsoever. O’Flaherty does make me sound a little Irish but I shall lose the name O’Flaherty very soon. I shall be married before the season is quite over.

Prism
     You seem very certain of that.

Augusta
     It is inevitable. I am in my full bloom. I am here to live with my sister and her husband. No doubt you have heard of them. The Moncrieffs.

Prism
     Colonel Moncrieff?

Augusta
     There. I knew you had.

Prism
     Colonel Moncrieff of Belgrave Square?

Augusta
     I believe his Indian campaign was much remarked upon. To lose so many men in such a short space of time always leads to comment and medals and so forth. Yes. Colonel Moncrieff of Belgrave Square.

Prism
     Then we are making the same journey. I too am going to live with Colonel and Mrs Moncrieff of Belgrave Square.

Augusta
     How remarkable. No doubt you are a distant relation of the Colonel’s. Oh, sister, delighted, delighted.

Prism
     No, not sister. I am to be nanny to your sister’s child.

Augusta
     Oh. It is born?

Prism
     No. But it is imminent.

Augusta
     A nanny? Didn’t you a moment ago tell me that you were a novelist?

Prism
     I am a novelist . . . and a nanny.

Augusta
     That doesn’t seem quite proper. A baby and a book. That could lead to great confusion, could it not?

Prism
     It could not. I am never confused.

Augusta
     I am not quite sure it is proper to talk to a nanny. Particularly such a very plain one.

Prism
     Plain, plain, plain. You are quite intolerable.

Augusta
     You understand me already. Now come. I like you a great deal and as I like you a great deal, you may carry my bag.

Office
.

Phil
stands. Blood is running from his nose.

Phil
     Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Enter
David
with bowl of water and cloth.

David
     Alright. If you . . .

Phil
     Cunt. Cunt. Cunt.

David
     If you sit down.

Phil
     Fucking cunt.

David
     Alright. If you sit down so I can. . .

Phil
     Ooooh.

David
     It’s not so bad. Looks a lot worse than it is.

Phil
     It’s not safe is it? Nowhere’s safe when some cunt can just leap at you and . . .

David
     Keep still. Almost there.

There. No serious damage done.

Phil
     Should have been police around.

David
     Well . . .

Phil
     Should be police everywhere with cunts around like that. They should have cameras up. Watching them.

David
     Maybe it’s just as well they didn’t.

Phil
     They want to get that cunt on video. That’s what they want to do.

David
     You think so? Could be tricky. Put cameras up and you get all sorts of other cunts on video as well.

Phil
     Well yeah. . .

David
     Like cunts who snatch handbags from other poor unsuspecting cunts.

Phil
     What you saying?

David
     Nothing.

Phil
     Come on. What you saying?

David
     I’m saying that maybe there’s a reason why you got a bloody nose.

Phil
     You reckon?

David
     And maybe if you snatch a handbag it’s not surprising if someone runs after you and gives you a hard time.

Phil
     I gave it back.

David
     Wise move. He might have carried on kicking if you hadn’t.

Phil
     I could have handled him.

David
     Of course you could.

Phil
     You Old Bill?

David
     No.

Phil
     You gonna grass me up?

David
     No.

Phil
     So what you after?

David
     Me? Nothing. Just . . . a good Samaritan.

Phil
     You work here?

David
     That’s right.

Phil
     You’ll be in trouble. Back here after hours.