Pieces of Me (8 page)

I
skip U.S. History on Monday. Then again on Wednesday. I hide in the safety of
my dorm room, thankful that Grace also has a class during this time, and I call
the professor and tell him I have the flu.

I'm
so far ahead in the class it isn't going to make a difference that I skip the
classes, and thankfully my professor realizes this and tells me not to come on
Friday either. He doesn't want to risk anyone else getting sick, he says.

Works
for me.

I
know it will only be worse when I show up on Monday because Cole will know I
was avoiding him but I can't think about that right now. I’ve nearly bitten my
tongue in half to keep from asking Grace about him, and she hasn't mentioned
him at all since the frat party.

He'd
been right about Grace looking for me. I had missed several phone calls and
texts both from her and from Grant. The moment we found them Cole said he had
something he had to do and left. He hadn't spoken another word to me the entire
time we'd been together after leaving the frat house.

So
Friday morning, when I should be sitting with Cole and Robby in class, I'm
instead sitting on my bed reading a book when the door bangs open. I look up in
surprise as Grace bounds into the room.

“Shouldn't
you be in class?” I ask.

She
raises an eyebrow in response. “I could say the same about you.” She steps further
into the room, dropping her bag on the floor and collapsing on her bed. She’s
staring at me, and her eyes are squinted as if she's looking for something
unusual. I self-consciously run a hand over my hair, which I’ve put in a lose
braid to keep off my neck.

“Do
I have something on my face?”

“No.
I'm looking for some mortal wound.” She watches me for another minute before
kicking her shoes off and pulling her legs up to cross them under her on the
bed.

“So,”
she says, “imagine my surprise when I'm sitting in my English lit class this
morning, minding my own business, doodling hearts on my paper instead of actual
notes, and in comes Cole.”

Oh
God.

“Now,
I know for a fact that Cole has a class at the same time I do, and that it's
all the way across campus. How do I know this? Because my roommate has the
exact same class as he does.”

She
pins her eyes on me. “Only apparently my roommate hasn't been in class all week
long, and my normally level headed brother is freaking out. Like dragging me
out of my class to yell at me, freaking out.”

“Oh,
Grace. I'm sorry.”

She's
shaking her head. “Oh I don't think sorry is going to cover this one.”

“He
was yelling at you? Really?”

“Well,
yelling might be a strong word, but he's pissed. At me,” she says, obviously
exasperated.

“I'm
pretty sure I'm not the one skipping class, apparently to avoid him, but
somehow he thinks it’s my fault.” Her eyes narrow in on me again. “He's
bitching at me about leaving you alone at the open door party last week.” She
sounds confused, and I can't blame her.

“I
thought you said nothing happened, that you just couldn't hear your phone over
the music and then you ran into Cole. Obviously that isn't what happened.”

“It's
really nothing.”

She
shakes her head. “Oh no, try again. Obviously it's something if it’s keeping
you from going to class so you won't run into Cole. Because I know you aren't
sick.”

I'm
picking absently at a string on my comforter while I try to gather my thoughts.
How do I tell her without telling her? Because no matter how close the two of
us have become, I don't think I'll ever tell her about my past. I don't need
the pity or sympathy or anything else that she might feel if she were to find
out.

There
had been no choice for me back home. Everyone had known what happened, maybe
not the in depth details, but they had known enough. And no one had ever looked
at me the same.
I didn't look at me the same.

Grace
crosses the small space between our two beds and sits next to me on mine.
“Look, I know you said that you have this....anxiety about being in large
crowds, or around people you don't know, or whatever it is, and obviously I
shouldn't have pushed you into going last week, as my darling brother so gently
pointed out to me,”

I
start to interrupt her but she shakes her head. “I obviously don't have that
problem, Del, so unless you tell me what's going on, I won't know.”

“I
wanted to go.” I assure her. “In theory. I just got a little overwhelmed,
that's all.”

“Cole
said he had to rescue you from some guy named Mark. No, wait, I believe Coles
exact words were ‘a douche bag named Mark, who's only interested in one thing
from girls.’ Now, I think I should get some sort of award for not laughing at
him, since as far as I know, that's all Cole is interested in from girls.”

She's
twisted around on my bed now so she's sitting cross legged and staring right at
me. “So what’d you do to my brother?”

“Nothing!"
I cry indignantly.

“Oh,
don't get your panties in a twist, Del. I only meant that he's never acted like
that over a girl. Hell, I don't think he's ever acted like that over me, and
I’m his sister. He never once had a problem when Grant and I got together. Not
like Holden did. So obviously I've missed something.”

I
shrug my shoulders. “Not really. He, ah, kinda sorta asked me out a few weeks
ago...”

She
perks up in interest. “Seriously? Cole asked you out on a date? Like on actual
date? That's amazing! When are you guys....oh. Oh,” she says again, drawing out
the word a little. “You said no.”

I
nod my head. “I know this is totally outside the realm of possibility in your
world, but I'm not interested in dating, like, at all.”

“You're
right, I think you’re crazy.” She's chewing on her thumbnail while watching me.
“Does this have to do with this phobia thing you have? Because, seriously,
there must be some kind of drug for that.”

“It’s
not that.” Mainly, I think, because the phobia she's talking about doesn't
exist, at least not in the way she thinks it does.

“My
priorities are just different than yours. Not,” I add hastily before she can
get offended. “that there's anything wrong with your priorities. They just
aren't mine.”

“Ok.
So he asked you out weeks ago and you said no. What does that have to do with
the frat party and you avoiding him? Because I'm totally lost still.”

Her
cell phone chimes from her book bag, the tone indicating that she has a new
text message. She leans over and drags the bag up off the floor as it chimes
three more times in rapid succession. She pulls it out of a side pocket on her
bag just as it stops chiming and starts actually ringing.

Coles
face lights up the screen. I know my eyes are wide when she looks up at me. She
hesitates for just a second before she accepts the call.

“Hey,
Cole.” She watches me the entire time she's talking to him. I can hear his
voice from where I'm sitting, but I can't quite make out what he's saying.

“No,
she's okay,” he says something else that I can't understand and then Grace
inserts. “She's on her period and she's having horrible cramps.”

“Grace!”
I cry. “Don't tell him that!”

She
covers the bottom of the phone with one hand. “Would you rather I tell him the
truth?” She hisses. “Which is that you're a chicken, by the way.”

“Hey!”

“What,
Cole?” She drops her hand and then sticks out her tongue at me as I glare at
her. “No, she should be better by tonight. Okay. Yup.” She's nodding her head
to whatever he’s telling her.

“Okay,
we'll see you then.”

“Who
will see who when?” I ask when she drops the phone on my bed. I'm afraid I
already know the answer.

“We're
going to their place for dinner tonight.”

“What?
No! I can't go to his place for dinner tonight. Are you crazy?”

“No,
but you are. Now, tell me the rest, because I know there's more.”

“It’s
not important.” She just stares at me, to the point that I start to fidget
under her gaze.

“Okay,
so, I maybe, sorta, almost kissed him after the Mark thing.”

She
gasps, and I know she's over exaggerating her reaction. “What about your
priorities? You slut.”

“Don't
mock me. It would have been a big moment for me.” I couldn't explain exactly
how big of a moment, not even to myself. I sigh heavily, picking at the string
on my bedspread again. “I thought he was still interested in me, but I
obviously was mistaken. He couldn't get out of the room fast enough.” I snap
the string off entirely and ball it up in my hands. “So now I feel like an
idiot.”

“Okay,
just so we’re clear, do you or do you not want to kiss my brother?”

“I
do.” Because, honestly, why lie about it? I can see the smile start to cross
her mouth so I quickly add, “But I'm not going to.”

She
isn't happy with that, I can tell. “Not that it matters anyway,” I add. “I lost
my chance.”

She
studies me closely for a few more minutes, and I can almost see the wheels
turning in her head. Finally she says, “Okay, here's what we're going to do. We
are going to blow off the rest of our classes today.”

She
stands up and slides her feet back into her shoes.

“We
are?”

“We
are.” Nodding her head she drops down and shimmies under my bed, popping up
seconds later with my flip flops. She hands them to me. “We are going to go to
the nearest ice cream place to gorge ourselves on ice cream while I tell you
embarrassing stories about Cole.”

She
smiles. “Think of it as leveling the playing field. You'll both have something
to be embarrassed about, and your embarrassment will be canceled out by his
embarrassment.”

“I
don't think it works that way.”

“Sure
it does,” she says cheerfully. “And then I'll explain the very fragile male ego
to you. It'll explain a lot.”

Chapter Ten

Hours
later I feel no more prepared to face him than before. Grace had managed to do
nothing more than take my mind off of everything for a little while by telling
me funny stories about the three of them growing up together. After we left the
ice cream place, I’d made her go back to our room before heading to Cole’s
place.

I’d
spent the afternoon in a pair of yoga pants with a CMU shirt, and that wasn't
how I wanted to face him. God help me, Grace was turning me into a clothes
fanatic. But even though I wanted to look a little more put together, I still
wanted to be comfortable, so I'd chosen loose faded jeans, with rips at the
knees, and I had paired them with a simple blue V-neck shirt made of the
softest material I'd ever worn.

I'd
left my hair in the lose braid, the tail of it falling over my shoulder.

“I
think I'm going to throw up.”

“That's
just because you ate your weight in ice cream this afternoon.”

We're
sitting in her car in front of the townhouse. I shift to look at her. “Yeah,
that wasn't your best idea.”

Grace
just laughs. “Ice cream is always a good idea when you're moping.”

“I'm
not moping. Did you just snort?”

She
shakes her head, but she has to hold her hand over her mouth to keep from
laughing. I watch as she struggles to get herself under control. “I'm so glad
you're enjoying this.”

“Del,
you have no idea. Now, can we go inside please? I'm starving.”

“How
can you be starving? You ate more ice cream than I did.”

Grace
just shrugs and slides out of the car. I force myself to follow her. We just
reach the door when it opens in front of us, and my stomach clenches for a
second and then relaxes as Ally stands there to greet us.

“Hey,
y’all. Perfect timing, Cole and Holden just got the grill started.” She hugs
Grace quickly and then her arms close around me. Even after being around this
crowd for nearly three months, I am still not used to how affectionate they are
with each other. “How are you feeling? Cole said you were sick.”

“She
just has her period,” Grace says before sailing past Ally and into the house.

“Grace!”
I hiss. “Would you stop saying that?”

“I
get the absolute worse cramps.” Ally is telling me as we step into the house.
“Holden runs for the hills when I get my period because there's nothing he can do
to help me but that doesn't seem to keep me from getting mad at him for not
helping.” She guides me over to the loveseat. “Here sit down for a bit, you
look pale. Can I get you anything?”

I
doubt she has a storage of courage to spare so I just shake my head no. Grace
comes back in from the kitchen with a bag of chips and a beer. She sits in the
chair next to me and holds the bag of chips out towards me.

“Want
some?”

“Are
you serious right now? I still have seventy pounds of ice cream sitting on my
stomach.”

She
just shrugs her shoulders and leans back in the chair. I listen halfheartedly
as she and Ally start to talk about upcoming midterms. All I can think about is
what I’m going to say, or rather, what I’m not going to say, to Cole.

I
hear the back door open and I tense again as I pick out Robby’s and Cole’s
voices coming through the kitchen. Seconds later they're in the doorway to the
living room and Cole’s eyes immediately land on me. I wish I could sink into
the loveseat’s cushions.

“Well,
look who it is,” Robby says with a smile. He lumbers over towards me. “Feeling
better?”

“Yes,
thanks.” I could kill Grace and her stupid story about why I haven't been in
class.

“Next
time, maybe say something, huh?”

I
make a non-committal sound in my throat, and I’m thankful when Robby focuses
his attention on Grace and her bag of chips and leaves me alone.

Of
course, that leaves me Cole to contend with. He hasn't moved all the way into
the room yet, but is leaning against the wall between the kitchen/dining area
and the living room with his arms crossed over his chest. He’s watching me
carefully, and I begin to bounce my leg as the nerves become too much.

My
mouth has gone ridiculously dry and I desperately wish I had asked Ally for a
drink.

Why
does he have to be so damn gorgeous?

And
why do I have to be so damned screwed up?

I
swallow several times, trying to wet my throat while willing the tears to stay
away. Because me blubbering like an idiot would just add a whole new layer of
fun to this whole situation.

I
risk looking at him again, hoping he isn't still watching me, and find that
he's nodding his head in Robby's direction, and since I hadn't heard Robby ask
him a question, I can only assume he his sending him some sort of signal. Right
on cue I hear Robby say, “Hey, Al, Holden wants to know if you can help him
outside for a minute.”

“Why
didn't you say something when you first came in, Robby?”

He
manages to look sheepish, shrugging his huge shoulders. “I was distracted by
chips. Did you know Grant was outside?” He directs that question to Grace, but
his eyes sweep over me as he turns in her direction, and the look he gives me
confirms that he and Cole had this planned.

“Really?”
Grace bounces up. “I didn't think he was going to make it till later.”

With
a very unsympathetic look in my direction she follows Ally out the back door.
So now it's just the three of us sitting there.

“Well,”
Robby finally says, “I could use some more chips.”

I
glare at him as he passes back by me. “Is that seriously the best excuse you
could come up with?”

He
just laughs as he heads out the back door.

Cole
doesn't move into the living room right away, but stays leaning against the
wall, studying me with those intense navy blue eyes.

I
force my knee to stop bouncing. But the stillness unnerves me so I start
tapping one finger on my knee.

“So
you're feeling better?” he finally speaks, moving into the room.

I
swallow again before answering. “You know that’s not why I wasn’t in class.”

This
makes him smile, though not enough to bring out the dimples. “I wondered if
you'd admit it or not.”

I
shrug. “It's not like you don't already know. She was just trying to help me
out, so don't be pissed at her.”

“I'm
not pissed at Grace.”

“Really?
Because that's not the impression she got when you dragged her out of her class
this morning and yelled at her.”

He
sits next to me on the loveseat, even though there are plenty of other seats
available. His knee brushes against my leg, and my entire body heats up at the
small contact.

“So,
you want to tell me what happened?”

“I
guess no isn't really an option, is it?”

I
can't bring myself to look at him, so I'm studying a small stain on the floor
likes it’s a priceless piece of art.

“I
just don't understand why you're avoiding me, Del. I mean, if anything, I
should be avoiding you. I was an ass.”

I
blink, looking away from my new favorite stain and up and into his eyes.
“What?”

“In
the frat house,” he runs a hand through his hair, obviously frustrated. “I know
I didn’t handle it very well, but honest to God, Del, I knew if I didn't get
out of that room I was going to kiss you. And you were still several shades
away from your normal color, and I kept picturing your hand on that can of
beer, holding it almost like a weapon.” He shakes his head. “I didn't want you
to regret it later and think I had just taken advantage of the situation and
then have you hating me.”

The
loveseat shifts when he reaches out and touches my face, just a brush of his
fingers along my jaw. We study each other for a couple of seconds before he
says, “Do you have any idea what you looked like when I first saw you? You were
so pale I should have been able to see right through you. And you damn near
spilled the water because your hands were shaking so badly.”

I
knew my hands had been shaking, but I don't remember it being as bad as all
that. I know I'm frowning at his assessment, but I can't seem to help myself.

“Jesus,
Del, he was just talking to you. I knew he was just talking to you, and it took
everything I had not to lay him out right there because you looked scared to
death.” He pauses for a moment, and I wonder if I'm supposed to disagree with
him. “You don't react like that when I talk to you.” He says when I stay quiet.

“I
feel comfortable with you,” I whisper.

He
makes a guttural noise in his throat. “Shit. I don't know if that makes me feel
better or worse. Comfort isn't exactly what I want to make you feel.”

“Cole?”

He
won't let me say anything else before he interrupts. “You said you didn't want
to go out with me, so I dropped it, because I didn't want to make you
uncomfortable. But that doesn't mean I'm not still interested.”

“You
went out with Red Nail Polish Beth instead.”

His
brow wrinkles for a moment, “Who? Oh,” he laughs. “No I didn't. She showed up a
couple of places where I was and tried to make it seem like more than what it
was. Which was simply me trying to be a nice guy. There hasn’t been anyone else
since the moment I met you.”

He's
watching me so intently it makes me worry that he can see more than I want him
to. This entire night hasn't gone like I expected it to and I'm at a loss as to
what I'm supposed to say to him.

I
know what one part of me wants to say, and it takes more than it really should
for me to quiet that part of my heart. I take a deep breath before I force the
next words out of my mouth.

“I
haven't changed my mind, Cole,” I say softly. I look away, back down to the
stain on the carpet. “I'm not interested in going out on a date with you, or
pursuing anything more than a friendship with you. I’m sorry if you thought
otherwise because of the way I acted last week.”

My
eyes close for the briefest of moments. Those damn tears are threatening again.
I swallow them down. “I just got caught up in the moment. It was just so much
you know? I wanted to prove that I could overcome my stupid anxiety, and I was
already on overload from dancing in the crowd when Mark and his friends caught
me.” I make myself open my eyes and meet his gaze head on.

“I
couldn't seem to function, so I appreciate you coming to my rescue, and maybe I
romanticized it a little. The gallant knight coming to the damsels rescue.” I
force out a laugh, and I'm pleased to hear that this time it doesn't sound
quite as fake.

“I
don't know really. I was so embarrassed to have reacted that way, in the frat
house, practically throwing myself at you.” I shake my head. “I didn't know
what to say to you, so I avoided you. It's my go to solution. So I appreciate
you being a gentleman and not taking advantage of the situation, and I'm sorry
it took me a week to tell you.”

Thankfully
the back door creaks open and seconds later Robby sticks his head into the
living room before Cole can say anything else.

“Y'all
good? Because dinners ready and Holden won't let me eat until you come
outside.”

I
practically leap off the loveseat, grateful for his interruption.

“We’re
good,” I say, hurrying past him so I don't hear Cole’s response.