Out of the Blue (7 page)

“I’m pissed, Cam. I’m so pissed I’m beyond pissed. I’m upset, I’m hurt, and I’m so confused, I don’t know what to think anymore. You struggle to look at me and you can’t—or
won’t
—tell me what it is about that accident that makes you act like this. I’m lost and I—I…” Jake’s voice grew quieter the more he spoke, until he couldn’t speak anymore. He dropped his head, and his sadness—that I’d caused—hit me in the stomach like a blow. “I think you need to see someone. Talk to someone, professionally, I mean. If you can’t talk to me”—Jake winced—“then you need to talk to someone. The nightmares alone are stressful enough.”

My heart broke. I was killing us.

The need to hold him was strong, but as I moved toward him, he raised his head, the look on his face stopping me.

“I need to hold you, babe. Please let me.” My voice was thick, my tears threatening to fall. The knot that had taken up residence in my chest tightened.

Jake didn’t speak, only nodded. I grabbed him tight, almost knocking him over as I clutched him and buried my head in the crook of his neck.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…” I cried. “Please let me make this right. I just need some time, please. I love you, Jake, so much.” My voice cracked, tears running down my cheeks. My world slowed, my knees weakening, and I was so emotionally drained I could barely stand.

Jake’s arms around me held me up as I grabbed at his shirt. I couldn’t get close enough. If I could crawl into his body, I still wouldn’t be close enough.

Jake didn’t speak. He gripped me tightly and cried soft sobs into my shoulder. Our breathing was heavy with our combined tears.

“Please tell me we can fix this,” Jake whispered against my skin.

I had day shift the following week. I still jumped whenever a call came in, and it took all my control to calm my racing heart. I would have a heart attack if I wasn’t careful. It was dumb luck that we were in a part of the city that didn’t see a lot of vehicle accidents—not the type of accidents that required the fire department anyway—not like the stations closer to the freeways. Any minor fender benders were handled by local police and tow trucks.

It was supposed to be getting easier, but I still texted Jake with the excuse of making sure he was okay, though I had learned to disguise my messages a little better.

Kris was part of my crew, which meant I saw him every day. And every day, he kept opening his mouth to speak, then closing it with a shake of his head. He obviously wanted to say something but couldn’t get it out. This went on for three days until my curiosity got the better of me.

We were in the locker room as we changed out of our gear at the end of our shift when he opened and closed his mouth for the millionth time.

“What is it, Kris?” I asked. “You’ve been chomping at the bit to ask something for days.” Everyone was in a good mood since we had saved a little old lady’s photo collection from a small shed fire that afternoon. The lady was so appreciative she attempted to set me up with her granddaughter. When I told her I was gay, she patted my cheek.
“All the good ones are, dear.”

Kris turned and put his foot on the bench to lace up his boot, which gave me a clear view of his ass.

What the hell?

Why was I looking at his ass? It wasn’t like I hadn’t seen it before, but this was the first time I’d ogled it. Being a gay man, checking out another guy’s ass was par for the course, but I had never thought about a work colleague like that before. Was there any truth in what Jake said? Did he sense something about my friendship with Kris I hadn’t recognized myself? I shook my head to clear it as Kris turned and sat on the bench.

“I was wondering how well you recovered after Friday night is all?” He looked up at me, a hesitant smile making his dimple show.

“Is that it? You’ve been stewing for three days just to ask me how big my hangover was?”

“Uh no, not really.” I raised an eyebrow. “I know if I didn’t go home after a night out, Nikky would’ve had my balls made into paperweights. I was hoping I didn’t put you in a difficult position with Jake. He left pretty early and you got real quiet, then really hammered, man, so I thought…” Kris trailed off, his unease clear.

“Paperweights?” I asked, trying to ease his discomfort.

“My balls are huge, man, far too heavy for earrings.” The wicked grin he flashed me said I’d succeeded.

He’s got huge balls?

I shook the image of Kris’s testicles from my mind. “No, you’re right. Jake and I… well, things have been a little difficult lately and not going home didn’t help, but we’re working on it.”

“Ah, well, that’s good, right? That you’re working on it, I mean.” Kris’s voice held a timidness to it that I didn’t think he possessed.

Kris stood and squeezed my shoulder. “If you ever wanna talk to someone, I’m here for you, man.”

And with that, he grabbed his bag and headed out. Kris waved a hand in the air, and without looking back, he shouted, “See you tomorrow, man, have a good night.”

It must be my imagination. Kris is straight. Right?

I noticed little things after that. Small smiles and glances in my direction, the odd touch here and there, a pat on the shoulder as he walked by. It was friendly, but not sexual. Kris was like that with everyone; he was one of those guys who liked to touch. I’d never noticed it before because it was commonplace for him. It wasn’t only me; he was like that with everyone. I couldn’t deny I enjoyed his company; he was a funny guy and enjoyed a laugh, especially after a hard shift. Jake’s suspicions about his sexuality were just that. Suspicions.

Jake

It was the fight we’d needed to have. To scream our frustrations at each other and release the tension, as our pent-up emotions weren’t doing either of us any favors. Although Cam still struggled, we understood each other a little better, and I breathed a small sigh of relief.

I wasn’t convinced Kris was straight, though. Yes, he lived with his girlfriend, but these days that didn’t mean anything. He could be closeted, in denial, or bisexual. If Kris had his eyes on Cam, then it was Cam who had to put him straight. Would I give Cam up without a fight? Hell no, but if he
wanted
to go, I wouldn’t be able to stop him.

I knew Cam was
the one
from the very beginning. From our first time on my couch, when our gazes met, his come drying on his chest, I knew I had found my new home. Cam’s amber eyes wrapped me securely in a warmth I felt down to my toes. After I’d lost my parents, my sense of security had been shattered, but Cam had made their absence easier. I still missed them of course, I always would, but with Cam by my side, it was a lighter burden.

The fight had given me another aspect to think about too. Caroline was my best friend and we had known each other for a lifetime. I could count on her to help me out when needed, but that had me thinking about who Cam had. Sure he had me and his parents. Beth would help him where and when she could, but living so far away in LA, it was difficult for her to be there. So who did Cam turn to when he needed a sounding board? He had always gotten along well with his colleagues, but he’d never been the type to open up. The culture within the fire department was long and established: tough, brave men who could handle anything thrown at them. Even at college, before he dropped out to become a firefighter, Cam had a few guys that he spoke to, but he was never close with them. So I thought, except for me, who was Cam’s best friend?

Cam struggled with whatever it was that made him extra protective and on edge. His mood swings and snappish demeanor hurt, but when I saw the anger replaced with vulnerability, it broke my heart. He wasn’t able to talk to me about it, so who did that leave him?

My lungs hurt as the knot in my chest grew. Cam got along well with Kris, and I wanted to believe that Kris was a good guy. Cam needed someone to talk to, who understood what firefighters saw and had to deal with every day. He needed a friend outside of me, with whom he could talk about his problems. I had Caroline, so I hoped that Kris, or someone else, could be that sounding board for him.

Lunch with Caroline last week placed the seed of doubt in my mind, and my first impression of Kris wasn’t the best. Sure, he sat close to Cam the other night, but the table was small and the bar crowded. Looking back, I had been
waiting
for Kris to do something. I needed to blame someone for our problems, so Kris was never going to get a fair chance. His smile had been warm and genuine, yet I had convicted him immediately.

I was ashamed of myself and I felt horrible for being such a judgmental ass.

Was he gay or straight or something in between? It didn’t matter because Cam wouldn’t do anything, and if Kris tried, Cam would put him in his place. He wasn’t like my ex, Luke.

Putting my pride aside, I asked Cam to invite Kris and his girlfriend out for dinner. My reasons were many. I wanted to get to know Kris a little better, since my first impression was clouded by my own stupidity. Cam needed a friend, and if he talked to someone—that wasn’t me—and it helped to fix whatever was going on and stopped his nightmares, then I was all for it. His nightmares freaked me the fuck out. And finally, I needed to see if what I’d
thought
I saw last week in the bar was my imagination or not. I wanted Kris to be a good guy, for both our sakes.

I didn’t tell Cam any of this. He was surprised I wanted to have dinner with Kris but didn’t question my motives. If Kris was the likable guy Cam said he was, then there was no reason why I couldn’t like him.

I made a reservation at a restaurant we knew not far from home. Kris and Nikky lived in the area and we agreed to meet them. They were at the bar waiting for us when we arrived.

“Hey, man,” Kris said, slapping Cam on the back. “This is Nikky. Nik, you already met Cam, and this is his partner, Jake.” Kris gave me that same friendly smile, and I couldn’t help but warm up to him.

Nikky was small compared with the three tall men that surrounded her, with a shock of red hair that reminded me of the singer from Paramore.

“I’m pleased to meet you, Jake. I’m sorry if Cameron came home the other morning not feeling the best, but I fed and watered him before sending him home.” Nikky’s smile was as bright as her hair.

Wow, wasn’t she a polite one.

A polite woman appeared alien to me after Caroline’s bluntness.

I shrugged off the memory of that morning. “He
was
a bit worse for wear, but he recovered eventually.”

Nikky giggled, turning her attention to Cam.

“Cameron, you look much better today than you did the first time I met you.”

Cam rubbed the back of his neck. “Sorry about that. I don’t remember much after leaving the bar.” By silent agreement, Cam and I ignored any reference to that night he never came home.

Keeping the conversation light and easy through dinner, I made an effort to engage Kris and Nikky while keeping an eye on Kris and Cam’s interaction. Yes, Kris looked at Cam with a glimmer in his eye, but it wasn’t overt, and Cam didn’t seem to notice. Kris was funny and easygoing, and Nikky appeared shy, but spoke with confidence. The two of them together seemed quite mismatched.

“So how long have you two been together?” I asked.

“We’ve been living together for a couple of months but we’ve been together for a little over a year. We worked too far from home and I hated the commute; we moved when Kris got the transfer. It’s so convenient here, and on a good day you can see the bridge. How about you two, you’ve been together a long time, haven’t you?” Nikky asked.

Cam grabbed my hand and smiled, my heart skipping a little. Nikky leaned forward with interest, an open smile on her pixie-like face, as I told her the condensed version of our story.

I had a hard time picturing her with Kris. She was small and quiet, happy to sit back and watch but not participate too much. Kris seemed to be a
take the bull by the horns
kind of guy and jumped into the conversation every chance he got. He obviously enjoyed a good time, yet his girlfriend struck me as a
happy at home
type.

The meal was great, the wine flowed freely, and despite my initial reservations, I enjoyed the company. Kris looked at Cam with a sparkle in his eye, but he also looked at Nikky and me the same way. I came to the conclusion that that was how he was. Yes, he touched Cam a few times, usually when he laughed so hard he needed something to grab on to, which happened to be Cam’s arm, but I didn’t sense anything sexual in it.

Cam’s mood was light and a wicked glint played in his eyes, so I put my concerns away and enjoyed myself.

The night drew to a close, and as the last of the wine was poured, I excused myself to the restroom. When I came out of the stall, Kris stood by the basin, waiting for me.

The wide-eyed shock on my face snapped him into action. “Uh, sorry, man, didn’t mean to scare you but… I wanted to talk to you.”

What the hell did he want to talk to me about?

I swallowed past the lump in my throat as I washed my hands. “Okay?”

“Uh, sorry. I wanted to apologize for not bringing Cam home that night. I figured you guys had a fight, but he wouldn’t talk to me and got really drunk. He insisted he couldn’t go home, so I let him crash on my couch. As soon as I could, I made sure he got himself sobered up and headed home. I really
am
sorry, I didn’t want you to think badly of me for keeping him out all night, and I tried to get him to go home. I didn’t want to cause any problems between you…”

“It’s all right, Kris. Look, Cam not coming home wasn’t the wisest decision he’s ever made, but that’s on him, not you. You looked after him during what must have been one of the biggest benders he’s been on, and for that I’m grateful,” I said honestly.

Kris’s entire body sighed in relief. He held out his hand to me, and I took it as the olive branch it was. “Jeez, man, that’s… Friends?” he asked, at a loss for words.

Grabbing his hand, I was pulled into a tight one-armed hug before I could respond. Kris pulled away, slapping me on the back as we exited the restroom.