Out of the Blue (4 page)

“Please,” said Caroline as she pointed. “We’d like to look at those two.”

The lady placed the rings onto a black-velvet-lined tray and brought them to the top of the cabinet. I bent over to take a closer look and immediately knew why they had grabbed Caroline’s attention.

I was speechless. They were absolutely perfect.

Both rings were made from platinum and had a colored insert running through the middle. One was a deep blue that sparkled under the store’s fluorescent lights and the other a dark amber color that glowed with gold flecks.

I think I vibrated when I saw the colors. The blue color would remind Cam I was always with him, and the amber would have the same effect on me whenever I looked at it. “God, I can’t believe how perfect they are,” I whispered, and Caroline bounced on the spot while I stared at the rings. I knew Cam would understand the meaning immediately.

“Would you like to try them on?” asked the lady, her eyes glimmered with an impending sale.

“Uh, yes, please,” I said, still a little awestruck.

I placed the amber one on my left ring finger as Caroline buzzed beside me. Of course it fit perfectly, so I placed the blue ring on my middle finger and held up my hand. The overhead lights caught the color and made them dazzle. I heard a little shriek beside me, and Caroline put her hand over her mouth to stop embarrassing herself any more.

She dropped her hand as she whispered, “Oh my god! Would the blue one fit Cam’s finger?”

“Yes, it should.”

She raised an eyebrow at me, “Well, if anyone would know how big his fingers are…”

I glared at her. I didn’t think the lady behind the counter would appreciate the visual. But the woman didn’t care, she only wanted a sale.

“Do you do engraving here on site?” I asked the saleslady as I took the rings off and handed them back.

“Yes, we have a jeweler on site. If you’d like them engraved, I can arrange that for you, but they wouldn’t be ready for pickup until next week, and we do ask for full payment up front before the engraving can be done.”

I agreed and Caroline almost had a heart attack when she heard the price. It didn’t matter to me, I didn’t do much with the money that remained from my inheritance and the rings were perfect.

As I signed the sales slip, the woman said, “Now what would you like the wording to be? Keep in mind it needs to be short as there isn’t a lot of room.”

I already knew what I wanted it to say.

“Love makes you brave,” I stated. I had said those words to Cam when I graduated from Berkeley. I’d found it hard to settle in college after losing my parents. But I had no choice, I had to continue with my life. Unfortunately it was one with little family and little emotional support. Don’t get me wrong, Aunt Cece and Caroline loved and encouraged me, but it wasn’t the same as my parents. I don’t think I would have made it without Cam, and not only him, but the support from his family as well.

“Oh my god, that’s gorgeous,” Caroline whispered, as she dabbed her eyes with a tissue.

The lady finalized the sale, and we walked out of the store. As the door closed, Caroline threw her arms around me, heedless of the shopping bags, and hugged me tight. She kissed my cheek and she squealed, “I can’t believe you’re going to get married.”

“Well, I have to ask him first, and I’m not going to until our anniversary, which is still months away.”

“Yes, but it’s not like he’s going to say no.” Caroline bounced on the spot.

I agreed with her, but then I thought of how Cam had acted that past week. His strange behavior put a damper on my mood, and I couldn’t shake the worry that his answer might not be yes.

As I walked home that afternoon, I thought about the symptoms of Cam’s problem. It seemed to have something to do with me—my face, or my eyes… something—there was a reason he couldn’t look at me. Wracking my brain, I tried to come up with a solution. I would ask him again of course, but Cam was never one to share his problems, especially work ones.

Cameron

I made it through my shifts, but each time a call came through, my heart jumped and I held my breath, hoping it wasn’t a vehicle accident. Each time I breathed a sigh of relief when there were no car wrecks and my shift passed easily.

I arrived home after a weekend of day shift and Jake looked a little preoccupied and on edge. He looked at me like he was trying to figure out a complicated math problem.

“You okay, babe?” I asked, as we sat on the couch after finishing dinner.

He ran his hands through his hair and faced me.

“What’s going on?” Jake asked, his voice soft.

“What’s going on with what?” My heart plummeted as I replied a little too cheerily. I knew what he was asking, yet I kept my focus on the TV.

“Why do you have trouble looking at me?” He sounded a little frustrated. Confused and sad.

Fuck.
How did I answer that? I couldn’t blow him off like I had last time he asked, but how did I explain that when I looked at him, I didn’t see the luminosity, warmth or humor in his eyes that I normally reveled in? I saw his death, and it brought a cold sense of dread that I could feel deep in my bones. How could I tell him that when I saw his chocolate brown hair I saw it matted with his own blood? When I saw his eyes, their deep blue color with silver flecks that would light up an entire room with one small smile, I saw them dull and lifeless. His pink plump lips, blue with death. How did I tell him any of this without bringing up memories of his parents’ accident? I hated to see the hurt and disappointment that was in his eyes now, because of me.

If I gave my fear a voice, said it out loud, would it come true? I was so damn scared that it was a premonition that my throat closed up and my blood turned to ice every time I looked at him.

I was hurting Jake, the one person that meant more to me than anyone else in the world, but because I didn’t know how to stop the images from invading my mind, I didn’t know how to stop hurting him.

When I couldn’t see Jake’s face, I felt almost normal. I was able to run and go to the gym and socialize, all like nothing was wrong. But when we were at home and it was only the two of us where face-to-face contact was difficult to avoid, the tension came back and I hurt Jake all over again. I was breaking his heart and in turn breaking my own.

“There’s some… things that I’d rather you not know.” My choice of words wasn’t the best, and Jake’s eyes flashed.

“For fuck’s sake, Cam. I know something about the accident is bothering you; why won’t you tell me?”

“You don’t need to know about the images I have running through my head, okay?
No one
needs to see them or hear about them. Understood?” I snapped. My mood swings lately sucked.

I couldn’t lie, but I was too terrified to tell him the truth. Terrified that he’d be in an accident and despite my skills as a rescue firefighter, I wouldn’t be able to save him.

Long minutes passed in silence, and Jake’s shoulders heaved with his suppressed anger. I dropped my head and focused on my lap. Jake sighed and headed to our bedroom. He returned a few minutes later wearing his running gear, and then he walked out the door in silence.

The following Saturday I was up early, after not sleeping well. Sitting on our bed, lacing up my Nikes, I was ready for a run when I felt Jake shift behind me.

“You going for a run?” he asked sleepily.

“Yeah, thought about going down to Crissy Field and back. You want to come?”

“Hmm, yes. Give me five minutes to wake up, okay? I’ll meet you downstairs soon.” Jake yawned and stretched his lean body across the bed as I made my way outside.

He came down the stairs ready to run a few minutes later as I stretched my calves, and despite the early morning hour, he was wearing sunglasses.

“Ready?” I asked.

“Let’s go.”

I didn’t know why we didn’t run this way more often. Crissy Field sat near the south entrance to the Golden Gate Bridge, and when we rounded the corner near the marina, the bridge was right in front of us. I’d always taken the beauty of the bridge for granted as I grew up, seeing it most days, but when Jake came into my life, I saw it through his eyes. It was a magnificent sight on a clear day. The early morning sun made the trademark orange a deeper, richer color. The entire bridge appeared to be on fire.

We chatted a little as we ran, but running and talking was difficult to do, and eye contact wasn’t easy either as we huffed along beside each other. We reached the far side of the field and headed back the way we came.

“Want to stop for breakfast?” Jake asked as he slowed to a walk. We were approaching Fisherman’s Wharf, which had some great places to eat.

“Sure, are you paying, then?” I laughed.

“C’mon,” he said, grabbing my hand and leading me into a nearby café.

We sat in a booth near the window, Jake facing the view while I looked toward the inside of the café. He squinted against the glare before he pulled his sunglasses down from where they’d been resting on his head, and looked at the menu.

We ordered and chatted about what plans we had coming up. My sister Beth and her daughter had planned a trip from Los Angeles in a few weeks, and it would be good to see them. They always stayed with Mom and Dad in Fremont, but we’d spend as much time with them as possible. While Jake and I talked, something occurred to me. I talked
to
him. Not only talked, but I looked at him. The sunglasses covered his eyes and our conversation wasn’t stilted or awkward like it had been lately. I could look at him, since I couldn’t see his eyes, and the tension evaporated between us. We smiled and laughed, and things were normal, easy, and I breathed a sigh of relief. The heavy weight I had been carrying lifted, not only from me but seemingly from Jake as well. I didn’t want to leave the café and break the spell, so I ordered more coffee. I think Jake understood as he didn’t seem to be in any hurry to leave either.

We stayed longer than necessary and jumped on a trolley home. After all that food and copious amounts of coffee, neither of us could run.

We climbed the stairs to our floor and as soon as the apartment door closed behind us, Jake pinned me against the wall. He kissed me like he was a drowning man and my kisses his only source of oxygen. Dragging my sweaty shirt off, he threw it somewhere behind him, then shoved his hand into my shorts, squeezing my balls. “C’mon, I need to be inside of you.” Jake held my balls as he tugged me down the hallway. Luckily I was able to follow closely behind.

My cock was rock hard as we shed the rest of our clothes and kicked our shoes off. As soon as Jake was naked, he pinned me to the bed and kissed and sucked at my neck, cheek, ear—everywhere he could get his mouth.

“I need you, Romeo,” he whispered against my neck as he moved his lips along my heated skin.

“You have me, babe, always.”

Grabbing the lube, Jake prepped me quickly. This wasn’t going to be long, slow lovemaking. This was going to be hard and fast, and I couldn’t wait.

Lying on my back, I held myself open for him as he entered me. He still had his sunglasses on. Jake looked at me the whole time, and if his gaze hadn’t been shielded, we would’ve had the eye contact we’d always enjoyed before.

The thought spurred me on and I pulled him to me, covering his mouth with mine. I had missed this connection. I wrapped my legs around his waist, my heels on his ass, encouraging him to go harder. Deeper.

As I suspected, it was fast and furious, and my toes clenched as I came hard, spurting high on my chest, my ass clenching around his cock. Jake rode me through it, his breaths coming in short, sharp gasps, and it wasn’t long before his rhythm faltered and he filled my ass, calling my name. He collapsed on top of me, his breath heavy against my neck, and I wrapped my arms around him to pull him closer, running my hands up and down his warm, sweaty back while his breathing returned to normal. Jake clutched me tight and sighed into my neck.

“I’ve missed you.”

I knew what he meant. “I’ve always been here.”

“Things haven’t been normal lately.” My chest tightened a little. Jake’s voice was so quiet I barely heard him as he buried his face in the crook of my neck once more.

I’m sorry.

The sunglasses helped, but his eyes weren’t the only factor, they were just what held the most similarity. I could also see James’s features throughout Jake’s. Jake’s hair, when wet and sticking up after being towel dried, reminded me of James Montague’s blood-soaked strands.

I told myself all I needed was time, and although Jake appeared to be happy and smiling, I often caught him with a despondent set to his jaw as he looked out the window across the bay.

It was one of those days that I walked up behind and wrapped my arms around him. He didn’t respond except to exhale a small sigh and drop his head slightly. I rested my chin on his shoulder and murmured, “I’m sorry, Jake.”

“Why?” His voice was so faint I barely heard it, and I knew he wasn’t asking why I was sorry.

I tightened my arms around him. I couldn’t voice my reasons, I couldn’t tell him how scared I was.

After a few minutes of silence, Jake pulled away and walked toward the bedroom. I remained by the window as I watched the view and tried to find the words needed to explain what I saw and felt every time I looked at him. As usual, though, I came up empty.

He returned from the bedroom, dressed in his running gear, and left the apartment in silence.

Another week passed and things hadn’t improved between us. I was lost in thought during one of my shifts when Kris questioned me. We’d been friendly since his transfer, but I didn’t know him outside of the station. We’d enjoyed a laugh during the slower moments, and he was a hard worker. I could trust him to have my back during the hectic times, but I was surprised he noticed my mood.

“Hey, Cam, you okay?” Kris asked.

“Hmm? Yeah, why?”

“Just… you’ve been quiet lately, and I know I don’t know you that well, but… it doesn’t seem like you.”