Out of the Blue (16 page)

The other set were still a gorgeous blue but with a slightly different shape. The corners were more upturned than Jake’s, and the color toward the middle didn’t have the same silver flecks. Where Jake’s lashes were dark and thick, the other set were a little lighter in color and there was an immaturity about them. Looking at them side by side, they weren’t completely different, but they weren’t the same either. Only the outer blue color was the same. I told this to Linda and she leaned back in her chair, her expression unreadable.

“Okay,” she said, turning her screen back. She clicked her mouse a few times, then turned it back to me. “What about this?”

Another comparison, but this time with hair. Both were a chocolate brown, but zoomed in, they were a completely different color. One had honey tones and one had darker, blacker tones. One had thicker strands.

Voicing this to Linda, she leaned back in her chair once more and smiled without answering.

“What?” I asked, confused by her sudden sunny disposition.

“You don’t recognize the other set of eyes?” she asked, still smiling.

“No. Should I?”

“Did you recognize the hair?” Linda said without answering my question.

“Yes, the hair on the left was Jake’s. What are you trying to do?” I thought Linda had some odd exercises for me to do, but so far everything had a purpose, so I knew there was an objective behind this bizarre one.

“One last comparison,” she said as she turned the monitor again. This time it was skin, one pink with underlying orange tones and no blemishes, and one that was more mature, but not old, with pale freckles and a beige creaminess to it I’d recognize anywhere. The images of the eyes and hair were similar, but I could see their differences, but the skin comparison shots were completely different.

When I told Linda what I saw, she turned the screen around and clicked the mouse a few more times. “That was great, Cameron, you were able to pick out the similarities but also clearly see the differences. I’m going to turn the screen around again and you’ll see why we’re doing this.” Linda looked at me for a second and her expression was a little wary, like she didn’t know how I was going to react. When she turned the screen around again, I understood why.

Side by side were the faces of Jake and James Montague… eerily similar yet vastly different. I waited for the telltale panic to rise in my spine and chest. But to my surprise, and I think to Linda’s as well, my breathing remained steady, my heart didn’t race, and there were no beads of sweat on my forehead.

I saw a young boy, taken from this earth far too soon.

And I saw my Jake.

My luminous, bright, happy Jake. My eyes burned and filled, but Linda seemed to understand the reaction for what it was, not what it wasn’t. It wasn’t panic, fear, or dread, although those things were there in a minuscule amount. It was love. Love for my Jake who I missed more than anything and the only person who could put my heart back together.

The remainder of the session passed smoothly, and I was given more ‘homework’ to do: study the photos at a distance and close up every night for the next week. The panic and fear were there, but I was able to get a hold of it and force it away. Linda reassured me that over time, possibly a long time, it would dissipate and disappear.

The end goal was in sight and I was confident I would be able to look at Jake in the flesh and not see the dull lifeless form I saw before or have the same sense of loss.

My heart skipped in excitement when I thought of his beautiful blues full of love and warmth, and I couldn’t wait to see him. The fact he wasn’t talking to me didn’t dampen my mood, it just made me more determined to fix the fuckup that was us.

“We’ll see how the next couple of weeks go, Cameron, but barring any major problems, I’ll recommend a return to active duty.”

Thank god.
The recruits were driving me up the wall.

I needed to speak to Caroline. I needed to get a feel for Jake’s headspace before I asked him to meet me, and she gave me a hug and a kiss when I greeted her in one of our local coffee houses.

After placing her order with the waitress, she turned her attention to me. “You’ve lost weight.” It was a simple statement, but I could see the concern in her eyes.

“Yeah, that comes from not eating or sleeping enough.”

“Are you okay?” Despite being Jake’s best friend and after everything I’d put him through, she was worried about me.

Am I okay?

I could answer that so many different ways and none of them would be a lie, so I settled for, “I’m doing better. More importantly, how’s Jake?” My stomach twisted with anxiety; so much hinged on her answer.

“He’s… I guess he’s okay,” she hedged.

“I miss him. I need to talk to him, but I don’t know how to go about it. I need him back in my life, but I don’t know if he wants me anymore. I
need
him, Car.” My eyes burned, but I managed to push the tears back.
When did I become such a sap?

“Look, Cameron, I don’t know the best way to go about this either. He misses you, but he sees you as a potential Luke, and that’s going to be hard for him to get past.”

Luke?
“Who the fuck is Luke?” I blurted.

Caroline’s eyes narrowed in confusion. “He never told you?”

“No. Who is he and what does he have to do with Jake?”

“Untwist your panties. I thought he would’ve told you, but I can see why he didn’t.” Raising an eyebrow, I urged her to hurry up and tell me. “Luke was Jake’s high school sweetheart. They were together in high school until Jake walked in on Luke engaged in a threesome at a pre-graduation party. Jake was devastated. They were supposed to go to college together. They had one more week of school until graduation and the hurt and humiliation crushed him.”

Bile rose in my stomach and my hands shook where I gripped my coffee mug. I knew Jake hadn’t trusted me for a long time during the initial stages of our relationship, but he never told me why. I shrugged it off, knowing he’d come around eventually. I had blind faith in us back then.

“He never told me,” I said, my voice low. “What did he do, after school I mean, since they were supposed to go to college together?”

“Jake’s dad pulled some strings and made a donation to get Jake a late enrolment at Northwestern, and as far as I know he hasn’t seen or spoken to Luke since. I nursed him back to mental health that summer after high school, but he was pretty devastated. The man he thought loved him had been sleeping with every other gay guy in school and some older men as well, for most of their relationship.” Caroline’s eyes were sad, and I knew she was remembering Jake during that summer. I felt sick.

“Jake started college and basically fucked his way through it, until he moved here and met you. You changed him. He could see his future in you, even though it was difficult for him to trust you at first. I’m not surprised he didn’t tell you initially, he wouldn’t have wanted to jinx your relationship. I’m surprised he didn’t tell you later on, though.”

“I guess it makes sense why he won’t speak to me or let me explain what happened. God, I would never do that to him. He must know that.” Exasperation and hurt colored my tone, and my skin heated with my hatred of this Luke guy.

“He does know it, I think, but you kissing Kris brought up all the old hurt, and in the back of his mind, he sees Luke all over again. Jake didn’t think Luke would do that either.”

My stomach churned with how much I had screwed up our relationship. Our problems were worse than I thought, and I doubted Jake would ever trust me again, no matter how hard I tried.

Jake

I spent the week helping the aunts get ready for the harvest and the hard work exhausted my body and cleared my head. The aunts were cautious around me, and during dinner each evening I could tell they wanted to ask me about Cam, but they also seemed willing to wait for me to come to them when I was ready. The subject of Cam was avoided at all costs, and I think we all missed his presence.

After dinner was cleared away on my last night, I told them the whole story. My heart hurt, yet surprisingly I wasn’t angry with Cam anymore. Even though I had never replied, I missed his texts when they stopped coming every day. I almost texted him to make sure he was okay but stopped myself before I hit Send. I missed
him
, not his messages.

My aunts were quiet as I told them about Kris and the betrayal. I told them about the PTSD and what it had done to our relationship. It was time to make some decisions: did we try and work it out? Did I
want
to? Did we sell the apartment, or one of us buy the other out and continue living there?

I didn’t know, and Brenda, in her loving way, had her own opinion on the whole situation.

“So he kissed someone else, so what? Has he done it before?” I didn’t know why I was shocked at her bluntness. I should’ve expected it.

I shook my head. “Not that I know of.”

“So it’s safe to say no. Okay, what you’ve heard, second-hand from Caroline, mind you, is the kiss wasn’t planned, Kris is bi and Cam’s not even his type. It sounds as though he’s as sorry and regretful as Cam is, so it’s safe to say that it’s not going to happen again.” Brenda had a way of getting to the root of the problem, but she didn’t stop there. “This PTSD, you said he’s getting treatment for it, seeing a psychiatrist or someone, and you said when you saw him he seemed a bit better?” Brenda wasn’t giving me any time to answer her questions. “So my question is… are you willing to throw away years of love and happiness for one stupid mistake? We all make mistakes, honey, and yes, Cam’s was pretty stupid, but doesn’t he deserve a little bit of ear-time after so long? Don’t make any decisions until you’ve talked to him. God knows he’s a stubborn bastard and my thought is that he won’t contact you until he knows he’s able to commit to you again. He won’t do anything half-assed.”

I couldn’t answer Brenda’s last question. I didn’t want to throw away nine years and with it the love of my life. Of course, I’d thought I was in love with Luke and look how that turned out, young and naive idiot that I was. Unfortunately, I no longer trusted Cam either, and what was a relationship without trust?

Aunt Cece wrapped her arms around me in a fierce hug and whispered in my ear, “Give him a chance.”

We’d been apart for nearly three months and we needed to discuss what we were going to do with the apartment. I couldn’t keep living with Caroline, and I thought the best option would be to sell the home we’d made together and give Cam half of the proceeds. I might have paid for it with my inheritance, but it was as much his home as it was mine.

In spite of the last few months, we had created some amazing memories and I was reluctant to let the apartment go, but I wouldn’t be able to move on and still live there.

I didn’t want to think about it, but my week-long trip to Napa and the conversation with my aunts made me realize that ignoring it didn’t make it go away. I’d learnt that lesson. So when Cam asked me to meet him for coffee, I agreed.

It was time.

I didn’t know what to expect and my stomach flip-flopped with nerves. The never-ending questions pounded in my brain. Did he want me to come home? Did he want to end our relationship permanently? I didn’t know.

What do
I
want?
I didn’t know that either.

My hands sweating, I pushed open the coffee shop door and saw him sitting in one of the back booths. He stood, and a small smile quirked his full lips when he saw me. He raised his arms for a hug, then thought better of it and dropped them as well as his head.
That’s new.
I’d never seen a shy, nervous Cam before.

“Hi,” he said quietly.

“Hey.”

Sitting in the booth opposite each other in silence, neither of us knew where to begin. The waitress came over with a cup of coffee for me, and while she refilled Cam’s mug, she asked for our order.

“I’ll have a blueberry muffin please,” I said, knowing damn well I couldn’t eat it. I needed to keep my hands busy.

Cam didn’t order anything, though he definitely needed to eat. He’d lost weight and it made his cheekbones more prominent than usual. He wasn’t the same Cam I’d loved over the years. Not only had he changed physically, but his whole demeanor lacked the same confident cockiness I knew before. He looked nervous, and unsure of himself.

Despite the changes, he was still the most handsome man I’d ever set eyes on. I swallowed hard. This could be the last time I saw him.

He looked up from his coffee. His eyes were the warm amber I remembered, but they held a maturity, a knowledge that hadn’t been there before.

“How are you? Are you okay?” Cam’s voice quivered.

“I’m… yeah, I’m okay.”
Sort of.

“You look—as gorgeous as ever—but… thinner. Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine. Running a lot, you know?” Yeah, he knew.

“Thanks for coming, I wasn’t sure you would.”

“I wasn’t sure I would either,” I said honestly. Cam cringed a little, but he seemed to accept the statement for what it was.

“I’m sorry, Jake. I don’t know where to start but I know I can’t go on in limbo anymore.” Cam’s lips turned down at the corners a little, but he was looking directly at me, not turning away like he used to. I held his gaze, wanting to see how long it would last. For a long moment we stared at each other, and his lips lifted in the knowledge of what I was doing.

The waitress arrived with my muffin, and I was the first to look away. “Are you okay?” I asked.

He knew what I was referring to, and he sighed. “Yes, I’ve been… getting help with the department psychiatrist. Progress was slow for a while, but I’ve come a long way and things feel…” He trailed off, seemingly looking for the right words. “Things in my head are better, but some things still don’t feel right. Not yet.”

“Okay. I’m not sure what you—”

“I miss you,” Cam blurted, his eyes widening in shock. “Sorry… but things don’t feel right because you’re not there.”