Out of the Blue (17 page)

“Cam—”

“I know you don’t trust me and you may even want me out of your life completely—I can’t blame you for that—but… I’m better. I can look at you now and not see… what I saw before. Therapy and the medication I’ve been on have helped a lot, and I want the chance to tell you everything… you deserve to know what happened and why I couldn’t… I didn’t…” Cam sighed again. He scratched the Formica of the table with his thumbnail.

“I’m sorry, Cam, but I don’t know if I can do it. As much as I want to, I can’t trust you… and without the trust, what do we have?” My chest constricted like someone had reached in and squeezed my lungs. Despite my words, I wanted to grab his hand across the table and hold it to ease his fears.

Cam wiped his eyes, trying not to let the tears fall. This was a new Cam: vulnerable, hurt, and alone. But I could also see a hint of determination in his eyes—he was going to do everything he could to save us.

“Please don’t make that decision now. Wait until I’ve had a chance to tell you everything. Nine years deserves that much, doesn’t it?” he pleaded.

It was hard to say no. His words resonated the same way Brenda’s had.

“Okay,” I agreed. “Nine years deserves me listening to what you have to say at least. I can’t promise anything, though.”

Cam’s small smile returned, and his eyes grew warm. He was still unsure, but that determined look was back. “Can I take you to dinner?” When I didn’t answer right away, he added, “C’mon, babe, you need to eat.”

Cam was always hard to say no to, and I smiled at the endearment. I was sure he wasn’t aware he’d said it. “All right, when?”

“Tonight?”

I needed to get my head around this new Cam before I saw him again. “No, Friday.”

His smile slipped a little. “Okay, I’ll tell you everything then, I promise. Can we… can we eat first and enjoy the evening a little before I spill my guts to you?”

“Are you still having nightmares?” Did I want to have dinner out like a normal couple? I avoided the question because I still didn’t know what I wanted to do.

Rubbing the back of his neck, Cam noticed my change of subject but answered anyway. “Yeah… I am. But since starting therapy they’ve changed a little, and they’re not as frequent. Linda said they may never go away entirely, I’ll probably always have them to a degree. Can I tell you about them on Friday night?”

“Let’s see how the night goes first, okay?”

Cam’s answering smile was bright and my body warmed from within. We stayed at the coffee shop a while longer and chatted about work, my week in Napa getting ready for the harvest, and what it was like living with Caroline. Cam was more relaxed now, and I slipped into old habits with him. It was easy, like it had always been, and because Cam liked blueberry muffins, I cut mine in two and pushed one half across the table. His answering smile lit up the room.

We finished our coffee and walked out of the coffee shop together, stopping on the sidewalk. Cam grabbed my hand and faced me. “Thank you for coming. It means a lot, and it was good to see you… and hear your voice again.”

“It was time, Cam. You’re right. We can’t keep going on like this.” His warm hand in mine felt like home. It
was
home.

“So, Friday, can I pick you up? Say around eight?” His cheeky smile returned and I smiled easily back.

“Yeah, eight’s fine.”

“Okay, I’ll see you then.” And before I could do anything, he leaned in and gave me a peck on the mouth as he squeezed my hand. Cam’s lips were warm but they didn’t linger as I wanted them to. Turning, he sauntered down the street with his hands in his pockets, his head held high.

Cocky bastard.

My lips tingled the entire way to Caroline’s.

The good mood from the coffee shop didn’t hang around as I walked home, and my doubts followed me all week, like a lost puppy wanting attention. Cam was still as beautiful as ever and I was glad I had seen him, yet every time I thought we might be able to overcome our problems, the image of Luke appeared in my head and it was a stark reminder of what could happen further down the line.

Cam worked with Kris and I knew Mason was gay. Had he been with Mason too? How many other guys did he work with that he might be screwing?

My thoughts twisted—as well as my stomach—at the thought that the kiss with Kris might not have been the first time. I knew Mason and he was a good guy, but had he ever made a play for Cam during a shift?

God, I hate you, Luke.

I hadn’t given the asshole a minute’s thought in years, and now he was all I could think about, warping my brain and making me relive the humiliation over again. I had never wanted a threesome, but it felt like I was smack in the middle of one.

I walked into Caroline’s apartment late Friday afternoon. She had been working from a client’s office, so I hadn’t walked home with her like I normally did.

She stood in the kitchen, pouring a glass of wine as she singsonged, “So, you’ve got a date tonight. You nervous?”

“How many of them have you had?” I asked, pointing to the full glass.

“Enough to calm my nerves. It’s Friday, after all, and I have no plans to go anywhere except from here to there.” She pointed to her feet, then the sofa.

“Hold on, why are you nervous?” I questioned, putting my bag down, then grabbing a glass of wine for myself.

“Because you’re going on a date with Cameron, of course,” she said like I was stupid.

“It’s not a date.”

“He’s taking you out for dinner. It’s a date.” She nodded her head and raised her glass. There was no arguing with her after she’d had a few.

“Okay, so if it
is
a date, why are
you
nervous?”

Caroline sighed in exasperation and acted like she was talking to a five-year-old. “Because…” She drew the word out, long and slow. “This is a turning point for you, dumbass.”

Of course.
As if I wasn’t aware of that.

“Aaand, tonight will determine whether or not I’m losing my roommate.” Caroline was sad as she shifted her weight from foot to foot.

Ah, my best friend thinks she’s losing me
. Sweet, but untrue.

I grabbed her free hand. “You know, Sweet, if things work out with me and Cam, and I move back home with him—I’m not saying I will,” I added quickly as her ‘wine’ tears started to fall. “It’s going to take some time. I can’t just forget everything that’s happened and pretend it’s all right.”

“He’s not Luke,” she blurted.

“Oh god, I know he’s not Luke, but I couldn’t handle the cheating again. I wouldn’t survive if it turned out I was wrong.”

“I want you two together again, I really do, because you’re miserable without him and I want you to be happy. I miss happy Jakey, but I’ll miss you being here too.” The wine was talking; she would deny this conversation happened in the morning. Caroline was a hot mess, so I cut her off. Grabbing her glass, I placed it on the table next to mine and gave her a quick hug.

“You know, if I go back to Cam, you’ll be able to bring your dates back here again,” I said, trying to coax her out of her gloomy mood. I knew why she hadn’t brought anyone home since I’d moved in, and although I didn’t want to put a damper on her love life, I appreciated her tact. I don’t think I could have handled the sounds coming through the wall.

“Yeah, you’re right. You’ve cramped my style, haven’t you?” she said, punching my arm. “You do know I’ve gone to their place instead.”

“Yeah, I know,” I replied, pushing her toward the bathroom. “Go shower, you’ll feel better once you’ve had a long one. But not too long, I’ve got a date to get ready for.”

Cameron

Getting ready for my night with Jake, I couldn’t stop the butterflies from stomping around in my stomach. I had the chance to tell Jake everything, and I couldn’t afford to fuck it up. I hoped he would listen to the whole story before he made up his mind. He had to.

I’d had a session with Linda a couple of days before our date, and I told her about our meeting at the coffee shop. I also told her what I’d found out about Luke.

“He’s likely to have trouble trusting you again, Cameron, and therefore may not want to reconcile. Are you prepared for that?” Linda questioned.

My stomach was in knots; that was the same question I’d been asking myself since I’d met Jake for coffee. Despite his slimmer frame and sad expression, he was still the light I needed in my life, and I was determined to do everything I could to win him back.

Losing him permanently wasn’t an option.

“Honestly?”

“No, Cameron, I want you to lie to me.” Linda’s expression was dead serious.

“Ahh see! I knew there was a sense of humor in there somewhere.” Linda raised an eyebrow and tried not to smile. “And no. I’m not. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for that. I need him back in my life, but at the end of the day, it’s his decision. I can’t force him to come home. I can only do my best to show him how much I want him and how much he still means to me. I need him to see that I’m still the same man he fell in love with, even though I come with a little extra baggage now. I need to make up for all the hurt and pain I’ve put him through, and to show him we can be good together again. I can only hope my efforts will be enough.” My voice flattened. I had so much work to do to win Jake back, and no matter how hard I would try, it might not be enough.

“It’s good to see you determined, Lieutenant, you’ve come a long way since I first saw you. Now I want to talk to you about your return to active duty.” I sighed, Linda knew I wanted to get back on duty instead of pushing paper around, but I was afraid that wasn’t going to happen yet.

Linda raised her eyebrows. “I know that sigh, and the only reason why I’m not signing off on it now is because I would like to see how your date with Jake goes first. I’m afraid if it doesn’t turn out like you hope, it will set you back.”

I was afraid of the same thing. I still felt a sliver of dread when I looked at him, although not enough to make me look away. Linda assured me it would pass in time.

At that moment, though, I had hope. I hoped that Jake would be able to forgive me and come home. I hoped we could rebuild our lives on the same groundwork we used before, with maybe the addition of one more footing. The foundation of trust was broken, but I was sure, with time, we could rebuild it. I wanted to add another block to build on: communication. Jake and I had always been able to talk, but we didn’t know a lot about each other’s workday. I knew what he did, but the day-to-day intricacies escaped me, and apart from asking how his day was when he came home, I didn’t know a lot about what his day entailed. Just like he didn’t know much about what it took to be a firefighter, something I needed to remedy.

If I was able to talk to him about the bad calls, the dreaded aftermath I always felt wouldn’t be so distressing. Jake knew I had some bad shifts, but I never spoke to him about them or what I’d seen, good or bad. Maybe now it was time to get to know the ‘other side’ of each other.

I told this to Linda. “Any communication is going to be a good thing, Cameron,” she assured me.

And if I didn’t have hope, what did I have? Things could be good again, couldn’t they, like they used to be?

Jake

I didn’t know where we were going for dinner so I dressed semi-casual: khakis, a navy blue dress shirt, and brown leather loafers.

The buzzer rang at exactly eight o’clock. Cam wouldn’t dream of being late for something as important as this, and I chuckled as Caroline pushed me out of the way to get to the door. She was still a little drunk as she stumbled into him and flung her arms around his neck, whispering in his ear. He whispered something in return and gave her a peck on the cheek, and when she faced me, her eyes were glassy with moisture. She had a shit-eating grin on her face.

Cam stood in the doorway, hands in his pockets, rocking back and forth on his heels. Nervous Cam had shown up.

“Hey,” I said, scanning his body. He wore dark jeans and a black button-down, the one that usually hugged his shoulders, but was a little looser now.

“Hey, babe, you look great, you ready? I’ve got a cab waiting downstairs.”

“Sure, where’re we going?”

Grabbing my hand, he kissed my cheek lightly. “You’ll see.”

We didn’t travel far, and the cab stopped outside a Spanish restaurant in Russian Hill. It was fairly new and we had planned to try it out a while ago since it had some good reviews.

Cam paid the driver, then grabbed my hand again, leading me into the restaurant. Opening the door, he placed his hand on the small of my back, making me realize this
was
a date. That Cam was trying to impress me made me smile.

The hostess led the way through the restaurant, guiding us to a secluded table at the back, which told me he’d planned ahead. Taking a seat opposite Cam, I scanned the menu. Cam’s head was down; he was looking at his hands in his lap.

“Cam?”

“Sorry, I… dammit. I thought this would be easier once I saw you again.” My stomach flipped; was he having trouble looking at me again?
God, please no.

Before I could get ahold of my thoughts, he continued. “I’m never nervous around you, but I can’t get a read on what you’re thinking, and it’s freaking me out a little.” Cam raised his head to look at me, and his eyes shone with insecurity. I could only guess what the last few months had been like for him.

“I know this couldn’t have been easy for you. It hasn’t been easy for me either, but I said I would hear you out. I owe us that much.” My words came out sounding a little harsher than I would’ve liked, and Cam flinched a little.

“I promised I would tell you everything, even the things you don’t want to hear but need to know. I just wish I knew how the night would end, you know?”

A waiter appearing for our drink order saved me from having to answer. With a jug of Sangria on its way, we looked at our menus.

“What are your thoughts on sharing?” Cam asked.

In an instant my face heated and my blood pulsed in my ears.
What the…?
We’d just sat down and he’s asking me for a threesome already?