One Voice 02 - Here Without You (6 page)

“It’s nothing bad, um…
sweetheart
.” I threw that endearment in again for good measure, seeing as it seemed to capture his attention the first time I used it. “In fact, I think it’s
good
.”

“Just spill it.” Nate’s face, as well as his voice, were suddenly unreadable.

“Yes. Yes, okay. I can spill it.” Zander squeezed my hand again, effectively letting me know he’d soon be taking the pressure off me, and I took a deep, relieved breath. “We want to move forward in our relationship. Like… um… like, sexually.”

Those dark eyes popped open. “You wha—huh?”

“We wanna have sex, buddy. Us three. Together. You, me, and Casey. Next time you come down here.” Zander finally contributed to the awkward discussion, spelling out what I was trying to gently introduce.

“You guys wanna g-get… uh… c-closer. As in—in the sack?” he asked.

Zander and I both nodded and then intentionally stayed quiet to give Nate a chance to absorb our declaration. Again Nate looked away, but this time he looked toward the floor and covered his face with his hands.

“So, are you into it?” Zander hadn’t contributed much, but what he
had
said had been quite direct.

Nate, his hands still covering his face, spoke softly. “I ain’t no virgin, ya know.”

“What does that have to do with anything?” Zander was on a roll.

“Maybe you two should do each other the first time, ya get me? And I’ll just watch. That’d be stellar.”

“Fuck that,” Zander replied in an even tone.

“But Zander, I been there. I done that. You two oughtta go for it first, and then
none
of us’ll be virgins. It’ll be equal ’tween us, you know? And maybe
then
we can do it, all three together. See?”

“Fuck that shit.” Zander wasn’t open to Nate’s suggestion, and neither was I. “It’ll be all of us in the bed or fucking none of us, dude. There’s no reason why we can’t do this. You’ve been tested, and you came out clean. And Casey and I haven’t been with anybody else. We are all on ‘equal ground’ in that way, if that’s what you’re worrying about. Shit, man. We wanna make love together—
with you
.”

Zander still held my hand, and his grip was so tight now that it hurt. I knew it was my turn to speak. I was the one who all of us expected to
say
the words—the one who expressed aloud what all three of us felt. “We love you. So much. We can hardly live without you here, and we want to be closer to you in every way. We want to share our bodies with you, Nate, and….” I had to take another deep breath to help me get through the sentence. “We want you to share your body with us. All of it.” I couldn’t help it. Instead of crying, I broke into a grin. The mental image was
that
good.

“Shit.” Both of my partners were cursing like sailors now. “Ya know I love you guys too. I live for you two.” When he lowered his hands from his face, I noticed his eyes had lost their faraway look, and I realized that maybe this awkward conversation had somehow connected us. I also noticed that his cheeks were quite pink, a new look for Nate. “Yeah. I wanna
get busy
with you guys. Fuckin’ bad too. I wanna make you two mine in every way and….” His words trailed off, but soon he spoke again, his voice rough and gravelly. “Can’t believe two guys like you want me like that. You know, in bed.”

His honesty deserved reciprocal candor, so I said, “I want you and Zander
inside
me.”

Zander released my hand and cupped the side of my face. But I was staring at Nate, taking in his surprise—his pleasure—at my words.

Zander said, “I want that too. Not too sure who’s gonna do what to who, you know, but I want more intimacy with both of you.”

We looked at the screen to see Nate’s face as he issued his own confession. “Never had what I got with you guys, and I wanna show you how I feel with my body real fuckin’ bad.”

“It will happen the next time you come to visit. Okay, Nate?” I wanted to ask him to promise that we’d make love the next time we were together, and then I wanted to beg to see him that weekend so it could happen sooner rather than later, but that would only put more pressure on him to find a place for Cindy to stay.

Sometimes it felt like Zander and I were chasing an elusive minnow through a rushing stream. Every time we reached for Nate, he slipped right through our fingers.

Nate knew me well enough to anticipate my worries. “I promise, babe. Next time we’re alone together, us three are gonna become one.”

6

N
ATE
’
S
D
IARY

August 31

A
FUCKIN
’
bad scene went down in our shit hole of a livin’ room a little while ago. But me and Cindy, well, let’s just say that Lady Luck was on our side. Cuz neither of us got the crap knocked outta us by Uncle Rich tonight.

First of all, my mood sucked, seein’ as I couldn’t find a place to leave Cindy for the weekend. Which meant no “us three becomin’ one in the sack,” to put it real polite. So, yeah, maybe I was pissed off, and maybe I didn’t take to it real kind when Uncle Rich came home from work with a girl young enough to be his daughter (I knew the girl from high school, which made it so much fuckin’ worse) and a plastic baggie filled with coke. I don’t want that shit around me no more, and I sure as shit don’t want it around Cindy. No fourteen-year-old needs to see that shit in her own home, and let me tell you, she was actin’ real interested, which she mighta just done to piss me off. Which it did.

So I got right in the asshole’s face, told him to take his bimbo and his bag of blow somewhere else. Bad idea. Me and Cindy ended up out in the truck, which is where we’re sleepin’ tonight. Cindy’s already crashed. She bawled so friggin’ hard about missin’ some stupid-ass top modeling reality show on TV that she finally couldn’t keep her swelled-up eyes open no more. Shoulda just took her to the truck before the big blowout went down, but I wasn’t thinkin’ too straight. Guess I got pissed off cuz I don’t want my little sister gettin’ into no drugs.

I sure gave Uncle Rich a piece of my mind, right in front of pretty Daria Willson. He looked at me cross-eyed, like he couldn’t believe that I was in his face. And he kept shakin’ his head cuz he couldn’t believe his ears that I was cursin’ him out. Didn’t take long ’til them eyes turned into narrow slits in his face, and I knew I’d have hell to pay.

“Who you think you’re talkin’ to?” He musta said that five times before I found enough calmness inside me to answer the asswipe.

“Just don’t think you oughtta be doin’ no drugs with Cindy right here.”

“I don’t recall askin’ for your opinion on the matter.” That’s what he came back at me with.

He pushed me hard, so I was up against the wall, and grabbed the neck of my T-shirt with both hands. I swear he woulda fuckin’ killed me if Daria hadn’t yawned and said, “You told me we were gonna do some coke, Richie, and I ain’t here for my health, so….”

She was tellin’ my asshole uncle that he didn’t have time to beat on me. Pretty Daria was more than ready for her high, and it seemed that Uncle Rich was eager to indulge her. Looked like Daria from high school saved my sorry ass tonight.

Didn’t have time to grab no blankets or nothin’, but I had a couple sweatshirts in the truck, so I let Cindy curl up in ’em in the backseat. Found a T-shirt of Zander’s under the driver’s seat, so I stuck it under my head like a pillow and made do with that.

Last thing I’m doin’ before I try and sleep tonight is writin’ in my journal, cuz it helps to get my head screwed back on straight. Wicked lucky for me I was holdin’ on to it when Daria and Uncle Rich came in the door. And right now I’m not as pissed off as I was before that I can’t go and see my guys this weekend. Instead I’m just glad that me and Cindy are safe, even though we’re safe in my truck and not in our beds. All I know is, there ain’t no way I can leave Cindy alone overnight with Uncle Rich. She ain’t got no restraint with her mouth, and he ain’t got no restraint when it comes to his fists.

Her mouth and his fists add up to a hella bad combination.

So it totally sucks that I can’t get my ass down to Boston, but it’s a done deal. I’ll probably text them two in the mornin’ and let ’em know the crappy news.

Z
ANDER
Z
ANE
’
S
One Voice Blog Spot—by invite only

Your host, Zander Z

Yes. So I extended my first invitation to join the One Voice Blog Spot. Yeah—to you, Dan. Hehehe.

Here’s a warm welcome to my big bro. You are my first official follower. Bet you never thought you’d see the day when you’d be an official follower of your baby brother. But that day has surely arrived. So remember, read carefully and leave comments at the end. Let’s see if my brother knows how to follow simple directions. LOL.

Developing the One Voice group at BCC has taken up a good solid chunk of my time. It’s probably taking away from the effort I dish out for schoolwork. And because of One Voice, I’ve decided not to play fall rec soccer. I told myself I’d join in the spring league instead. It’s just that One Voice is my top priority. Casey calls it my obsession, but he always says it with this cute grin, so I know he isn’t actually mad about it. I’m pretty sure Nate is 100 percent behind me too. But the guy has a whole bunch of other problems at home to deal with.

As it turns out, our partner, Nate, can’t make it down to Boston to visit us this weekend. We had plans for our “throuple” for the weekend too. Big plans. “Epic” plans, as Casey calls them. Puzzle over that for a while, dude. On another note, I have homework to catch up on this weekend and Sunday’s One Voice meeting to plan, so I was just starting to think maybe it wasn’t so bad that Nate couldn’t make it. But Casey helped me put it all in perspective. Here’s how the conversation went down.

“I have an idea, Zander. How about we go home and visit my family for the weekend?” Casey was sitting at his desk, facing the wall, and I was parked on my bed, in the center of a ring of textbooks.

“So we can see Nate?”

“Well, yeah. He and Cindy can stay at my house too. We can all hang out together with my little sisters, and then Mom and Dad can go out to dinner for a date night,” he said.

I know I shouldn’t have done it, but I’m certain I hesitated so I could think this possibility through. “I don’t know.”

“Well, why not?” Casey ran his hand over his cropped blond hair. “What’s more important than being together with Nate?” He can be damned persistent.

I still had to think about my answer a little bit more. “Well, to be what we want to be—as you call it, a ‘throuple’—we need to have rights, as gay men and as sexually liberated adults. And if I don’t take One Voice seriously, then it hurts our chances to reach those goals. Equal rights are not gonna just drop in our laps, Casey. Somebody has to fight for them.”

Casey got up from his chair and came over to my bed. He sat down delicately beside the books and focused his gaze on mine. “One Voice is important.” He didn’t look away. “But we—your family—are
more
important.”

It’s funny how a single sentence of brief, to-the-point words can hit home way better than a long lecture ever could. I
felt
his words like an arrow to my heart. The fight I waged for One Voice is vital to me because it’s personal.
It’s because of the three of us.
I want to make a life with these two guys. I just want the life I make with them to be accepted and respected by the community. Casey had a point.

“You’re right.” I said it and meant it.

Casey’s nose wrinkled when he smiled and it was so frigging cute. “I know.” Then he broke into a grin. “Let’s surprise Nate, okay?”

I nodded and took Casey into my arms. “I love you guys.” When we say we love each other and Nate isn’t there, we always tack the word
guys
to the end. We never let ourselves forget there are three of us.

“And I adore you guys, so let’s make plans for how we can shock our sweet Nate on Friday night.”

“Casey, we don’t have to get back here Sunday night for the One Voice meeting either. I’ll e-mail everybody and cancel it.” Some things
are
more important.

But Casey surprised me. “There’s no need to do that, Zander. We’ll leave school right after class on Friday and plan to return on Sunday afternoon. Nate wouldn’t want you to cancel the meeting. One Voice is part of what he loves about you. And part of why I’m emotionally strong today.”

Dan, I know you are my sole audience member at this point. Plus I talk to you on the phone every other day, but I still want to point out what works so well in this relationship of mine, what validates its right to exist as much as anyone else’s relationship. The three of us balance each other so perfectly. When I’m going overboard in a certain direction, then Casey brings me back. When Casey needs a feeling of physical strength beside him, he turns to Nate. When Nate needs to logically work out a problem with his sister or uncle or boss, he turns to me. And when we need to feel valuable and loved, we all turn to each other.

We are three. We are three guys. And we work together. We fit like puzzle pieces. I will not lose this precious love as I struggle to make society accept and embrace it.

I won’t.

7

N
ATE
’
S
D
IARY

September 2

G
OTTA
HAND
it to ’em, and Cindy too. They shocked the shit outta me. But in a good way.

I wasn’t what you’d call pissed off at the world or nothin’, but I was sure down and out. I was gonna have to spend my weekend alone here at home and not makin’ love to my boyfriends. Shit. Maybe I was a little bit pissed off, but not at Cindy, more at the world. So on Friday at work, I was keepin’ mostly to myself. Not hangin’ in the garage ’tween customers to talk to the mechanics. Not chattin’ with Missy, who works days at the minimart. Just coolin’ my jets in the little hut ’tween the pumps.