One Voice 02 - Here Without You (2 page)

I held the first One Voice meeting in a physics classroom in the Ledyard Building this morning, as classes haven’t started yet. Yeah, One Voice officially opened its rainbow-colored doors on August twenty-third. Yesterday, Casey and I pretty much plastered the campus with flyers advertising the first meeting, and still all I got was nine people—just freshmen and a few upperclassmen who were at school early to help with orientation and registration—and that number included Casey and me. But you gotta start somewhere, and this is where One Voice starts.

2

N
ATE
’
S
D
IARY

August 23 (they only been gone about half a week now)

S
O
MAYBE
this is a bit fucked up, but I’m gonna put it down on paper in black and white, and maybe when I read it back to myself, it’ll seem more normal.

Here’s the thing. Like Casey says, us three is a throuple. Three dudes in love. Whatever. Cuz I sure as shit love them guys, and nothin’s gonna change that. So, yeah. There’s two dudes in place A and one dude, alone, in place B. I just figured them two would be gettin’ busy in bed in their fancy dorm room whenever they had a chance—cuz that’s what guys do, right?

Well, apparently not so much. Last night they Skyped me. There them two were, sittin’ all cozy on Casey’s rainbow-colored bedspread. The floppy stuffed unicorn that me and Zander gave him for Christmas junior year was propped up behind ’em, starin’ at the computer, like it was lookin’ right at yours truly. I felt real alone and a little like a loser (fucked-up fact is they only been gone a couple days), but I leaned back on my bed and acted like I didn’t give a shit.

Casey said, in this adorable proper voice, “Nate, there’s a topic Zander and I feel it’s imperative we discuss. It’s a matter of great importance.” He already sounds like a doctor, and he’s only a freshman in college.

Zander was just starin’ into the computer at me, sorta studyin’ my I-don’t-give-a-shit-about-nothin’ expression.

“What’s such a big friggin’ deal, babe? Lay it on me.” That was pretty cool soundin’, I thought.

“Well, Zander and I want to have a discussion about…. Nate, we want to discuss physical intimacy. In that….”

Even on Skype I could see that two spots on Casey’s cheeks had turned bright pink. Looked like he was having trouble spittin’ this out. And he was the talker in our throuple.

“Zander and I are here together, without you, and we’ve talked about this—”

“I expect you two’ve been goin’ to town on each other every night since you got to college and are prob’ly itchin’ to strip each other down right now.” Both of my guys’ eyes popped open wide when I said that.

“Actually, Nate.” Zander spoke up cuz it seemed that Casey was suddenly at a loss for words. “We haven’t, and we’re not gonna.”

“Huh?” That just kinda flew outta my mouth. “Come again, guy?”

Casey found his voice. “We aren’t going to sleep together unless you’re with us. We discussed it, and neither of us think it would feel right.” He glanced at Zander, and them two nodded at each other. “We aren’t going to
do anything in bed
together until you’re here for a visit.”

I shook my head, but it didn’t help to make sense of what Casey was sayin’.

So Zander took a turn at it. “We are a
threesome
—”

“
A throuple
,” Casey corrected him in his bossiest voice. “It’s called a throuple.”

“Okay, we are a throuple, and we’re nothing unless we’re all together.”

“Ya get horny, right? So why not just hop in one of them two beds together and do what comes natural, huh?” I figured that was a fair question, and in a way it was me sayin’ “go for it, you guys.” Like I was givin’ ’em permission—not that they needed it.

Casey completely ignored my super generous offer. “We’re going to sleep in our own beds and wait to be…
close to each other
… until you’re here with us.”

“So dude,” Zander said with a chuckle. “Get your hot ass down to Boston as soon as fucking possible, ya hear me? I wanna get me some.”

I wasn’t sure whether to laugh cuz I was damned psyched about this little arrangement or to argue with them cuz it was so stupid. “You guys are friggin’ crazy.”

“Frigging crazy about you, DeMarco,” Zander said.

“We really miss you and would love for you to come down here for the weekend. As in, Friday afternoon. Can you
please
come Friday afternoon, Nate? We miss you. I’m not used to being without you and….” Skype sure gave a damned clear picture. I could tell that Casey’s eyes had got all filled up with tears. I felt like some kinda criminal.

“Okay, okay. I’ll see if I can figure out somewhere for Cindy to go this weekend. Don’t wanna leave her here alone with my uncle, right?”

“No. Of course not.” Casey sucked in a deep breath, like he was tryin’ to calm himself down. I had this massive urge to climb right into the computer and take hold of the little dude. I knew how to calm him down real good.

But that’s how it got decided that there’d be no funny business unless us three were all together. After we logged off Skype, I felt a little bit less alone and breathed easier too.

Casey and Zander were gonna wait for me.

C
ASEY
’
S
REAL
LIFE

S
OMETIMES
I
get so caught up in my thoughts.

I sat in the far corner of the Donnegan Student Center, sipping a cup of hot chocolate from a paper cup, waiting for Zander to arrive. I always chose this distant corner. For some reason, corners seemed safer to me.

The amount of anxiety I experienced when I left my house had steadily decreased, month by month, ever since I forced myself to return to school after the… after the
incident
that occurred in junior year. The incident with Liz Trainer.

When she beat me to a bloody pulp. Kicked my crotch so viciously it nearly burst.

Back then Nate and Zander had been kind of like superheroes to me. They’d made arrangements with the vice principal and guidance counselor to accompany me around the building until I felt comfortable roaming the halls by myself. In fact, I never had to be alone
anywhere
. Not only did they escort me to classes, they also sat on either side of me at lunch, drove me to and from school, and spent the weekends almost entirely in my living room. In addition, Zander initiated One Voice, our high school’s gay-straight alliance, which had over two hundred members by the end of our junior year. And it was a fairly small school. Nate and I participated in the club, and seeing that amount of participation helped restore my confidence in humanity in general and in Benjamin Franklin High School students in particular. But any small reminder—a certain scent, the sound of girls laughing loudly, even the sight of specific types of girls’ shoes—could induce a full-blown panic attack.

And to this day, I still suffered with anxiety attacks. In fact, I had one today, right before American Lit. It was because I smelled a certain familiar perfume—brought me right back.

“Hey, dude.”

Even though I was expecting him, Zander’s voice startled me. I must have jumped half a mile.

“Casey. You okay?”

He and Nate knew me so well. “It was a bit of a tough day, Zander. Everything is new here. It’s hard for me to get used to all the changes… and feel safe.”

Zander dropped down on the arm of my chair, letting his backpack fall to the floor with a loud thump. “Tell me.”

When it came to my emotions, Zander never allowed anything to slide by. If he so much as sensed even slight distress, I was destined for a long and thorough discussion/interrogation.

I swallowed hard. Even though I was totally comfortable with Zander knowing about my hang-ups, it was still difficult to bring myself to talk about them. “Had one of those panic things.”

“An anxiety attack?”

Looking up into his concerned amber eyes, I nodded.

“You didn’t call me.”

“You were in that meeting for education majors, and besides….” I allowed my voice to fade away.

Zander stood up. “I know what you were gonna say. Usually when you have panic attacks,
Nate
talks you off the ledge.”

He was right. Talking me off the ledge had become Nate’s specialty. I thought about big, burly Nate—a truly gentle giant—and I nodded. Then I sniffed hard in an effort to avoid tears.

“I can help you with that too, you know. When Nate isn’t here. But… uh… you wanna call him or something?”

I shook my head emphatically. “No. I’m okay now. And besides, Nate’s at work.” My voice trembled.

Zander reached out his hand to me, and I took it and then stood up. “Let’s head back to the dorm, and you can fill me in on what made you freak out.”

I nodded again, and the words just slipped out. “I miss him.” I closed my eyes in a further tear-preventative measure. Then I felt Zander’s arm wrap around my shoulder and pull me against him. “Hopefully he can come this weekend.” I crossed my fingers and made a wish.

All we could do was hope.

3

N
ATE
’
S
D
IARY

August 24

T
ONIGHT
,
BEIN
’
home on the range totally sucked. Just my luck. Both my shit-for-brains uncle and my pain-in-the-ass little sister were in rare form. Right up each other’s asses since the second Uncle Rich got home from work. I’m surprised Cindy didn’t get her front teeth knocked out, but somehow she always manages to escape gettin’ her ass kicked. Mostly it was me who got an ass kickin’ in the end. It’s like she pisses him off on purpose, knowin’ that somebody’s gonna have to calm him down, and also knowin’ I’m not gonna let it be her.

The night went somethin’ like this.

I got home from the gas station at say, maybe four, and Cindy was already there when I got home. She was in one fuck of a suckish mood. She started in on me about how she was the only kid in her group who didn’t never have sleepovers. This weekend they were all plannin’ an end-of-summer slumber party, I guess. One of her bitchy friends had announced to everybody that nobody was ever invited over here, “Cuz Cindy’s house is a shit hole.” So when I walked in, Cindy was in some kind of a vacuumin’ frenzy, only stoppin’ to primp pillows, tryin’ to de-shit-hole-ize our house. Like she had a chance in hell at doin’ that, since this place is way too far gone.

I said, “So even if we didn’t live in a shit hole, you know as well as I do that you ain’t gonna invite nobody over here. You won’t have ’em here, cuz you know that if he felt the urge, Uncle Rich would tear you a new one for somethin’ stupid right in front of your snotty friends.”

The kid knew I was right, but Cindy’s the type where a good offense is the best defense, or so they say, and she went off on my ass. And then she went off on Uncle Rich’s ass as soon as he stepped through the friggin’ front door, tellin’ him his house is a slum and that he has no class. Bad idea.

I tried to warn her—with my eyes and then with gestures—but Cindy wasn’t havin’ none of it. When she told Uncle Rich that we were in “dire need” of a brand spankin’ new sofa and shiny coffee table, he lost it. And he dove at her. But she knew I was hoverin’ close by and I’d save her ass. Which I did by sorta swoopin’ Cindy outta Uncle Rich’s way.

I’m gonna put it mildly and say the asshole was mighty pissed that he couldn’t get his paws on her. I ordered her to go get the fuck into my truck, and I booked it out of there with her as soon as I had a chance. Then me and her made our getaway. Came back at around nine, when we figured Uncle Rich’d have passed out—which he had.

But talkin’ sense into that girl wasn’t happenin’. Sometimes I think Cindy’s mad at the whole world or mad at our mom cuz she’s in jail or maybe just mad at me cuz I can’t fix things. Whatever it is, she wouldn’t listen to no reason. So I headed up to my bedroom, flopped out flat on my bed, and tried to breathe my way through all of my pissed-off-ness. That’s when I checked my phone for messages.

“Nate, it’s me, Casey. I had… kind of a rough day today. I really miss you, and so does Zander. We want you to come stay for the weekend so much. Please figure something out, Nate. I… I… we need you.”

Shit.

But also “yay,” you know? Them two still need me. So maybe my mind started scramblin’ for possibilities of what I could do with Cindy for the weekend—seein’ as Casey, and maybe even Zander, needed me and all.

We have these sorta distant cousins who live outside of Boston. Don’t know ’em too good or nothin’. Mom lost contact with ’em ages ago. But Cindy had got along okay with our fourteen-year-old cousin, Jana, one time at a party after a funeral, back a couple years. Back when Mom was more or less in the picture—not in the pen.

Couldn’t believe it when I found the name Terri Monaco in my contacts.

Couldn’t believe it more when I made the friggin’ call to my mother’s—as Casey’d say—“well-adjusted” younger sister. A sister who hadn’t talked to my mom in years, thanks to my mom bein’ such a friggin’ screw-up and her younger sister stickin’ to the straight and narrow.

Z
ANDER
Z
ANE
’
S
One Voice Blog Spot—by invite only

Your host, Zander Z

Let me tell you, when I saw Nate step outta his truck in the parking lot by the student center… well, I got a feeling like I haven’t ever had before. And shit—it hadn’t even been a full week since I’d seen the dude last. Casey, who was standing beside me, just took off running, and next thing I knew, he was in Nate’s arms. And I mean his arms
and
his legs were wrapped around Nate. It was fucking adorable. And after Nate leaned his head down to give Casey a quick kiss, he looked up and over at me. When our eyes met, there was this kind of
zing
feeling that went through me. It started in my fingertips and toes and worked its way into my heart, which sounds like a crock of shit, but there it is. I’m pretty sure neither of us smiled or winked or anything. We just felt each other’s presence. And it felt damned good.