One Voice 02 - Here Without You (4 page)

Nate shrugged again, and again Zander and I caught eyes.

“What’s up with that, huh? You’ve done everything for her.”

Zander was getting worked up, and Nate was quickly retreating into his own head.

“Maybe she thinks I haven’t done enough or somethin’. Guess you’d have to ask her.”

Sometimes Nate got into this inexpressive mode when we pushed him too hard for details and promises about his uncle and his little sister. So I grabbed his shaggy head and pulled it down to my lips. Before I kissed his scruffy cheek, I whispered, “We only ask because we’re crazy about you.” He nodded once, and I planted a wet one on him, which landed right under his eye.

“So, my man, we got us some big plans for tonight.” Zander had put a lot of effort into making this weekend fun. Lately he’d turned into such an organizer.

“College parties and shit?” Nate tilted his head and wrinkled his nose.

Zander reached across the greasy table and scooped up Nate’s big hand. “You think we’d finally get you all to ourselves and then cart you off to some beer bash where we’d have to share you with a hundred drunks?”

“Umm… you’d better think again, boyfriend.” I giggled a little as I spoke.

“Plus, Nate, we don’t waste our time at parties. I know I did enough of that shit in high school before I hooked up with you two. Don’t miss it one bit.”

I hadn’t ever been exactly
invited
to a party, so I had nothing to add except, “Zander is kind of obsessed with launching One Voice at BCC. Last Friday
and
Saturday night he was staring at his laptop all night making plans and—”

“I
did
launch One Voice. Maybe it’s off to a modest start, but it exists now. That’s the first step.”

“I told you, Nate, we had nine people at the first meeting, including us. But this Sunday… this Sunday there will be
ten
, we hope.”

Nate took a large sip of root beer and gave no indication he had a clue what I was suggesting.

“Nate, on Sunday you’re coming to the meeting, right?”

He shook his head, and his long dark hair flew from side to side. “Nah, them college kids don’t want nothin’ to do with the likes of me.”

At hearing those words, Zander practically yanked Nate right over the table. “Shit, DeMarco, the group is called
One fucking Voice
. The students in it are trying to
connect
people, not tear them apart.”

He abruptly let go of Nate’s hand, and I was pretty sure he was frustrated. We’d worked so hard over the past year to prove to Nate he was worth our effort, and it seemed like Nate had forgotten it in the week we’d been gone.

“Let’s get outta here.” Zander turned and headed for the door.

Nate and I slid out of the booth, and I told him quietly, “Zander will feel better after we eat our make-your-own sundaes. And that’s a major clue as to where we are going next.” I grabbed his hand, and we caught up to Zander.

4

N
ATE
’
S
D
IARY

August 29

S
TELLAR
WEEKEND
. Fuckin’ hated like hell for it to be over. Had to pretty much drag myself away from them two. Cuz it’s like this—us three friggin’ belong together.

Yeah. So I said it. That don’t make it real, though.

Thought I stuck my foot in it real deep on Friday night at College Pizza with Zane. Seems I managed to piss him off big time, but thank Christ, we worked it all out and we got to keep on goin’ with our stellar weekend.

When I first got there on Friday, see, them two had me in bed before ten minutes was up. Nope, not complainin’. And damn, we stayed there for a long while, cuz it was super monumental being together again—stayed in the bed ’til we were all three starvin’, that is. Yeah. Our grumblin’ bellies finally got us outta bed. We went for pizza at this college pizza joint. Little pockets of preppy college dudes were sprinkled here and there, gapin’ at me like they never before seen a redneck. I got to feelin’ like a piece of shit without no reason in life, and I said some stupid shit about One Voice. If you want to piss off Zander Zane, you dis his precious love-everybody-equal rainbow group.

And before that, Zander brought up the whole fucked-up thing goin’ on with Uncle Rich and Cindy and how I’m forced to pay for her sins. And I don’t know what to make of her actions neither, so I figure it must be my fault somehow. And I guess I didn’t give Zane the right answers to his real good questions on the topic.

But thank shit we got back on the right track at the make-your-own-sundae joint that looked like some kinda Hansel and Gretel gingerbread house on the outside. That part was all thanks to Casey, who kept on grabbin’ my hand as we were eatin’ our ice cream and stickin’ it on top of Zander’s hand, over and over, so any ice that’d formed ’tween me and Zander got melted away.

Our ice cream sundaes came out lookin’ a lot like each of us. Casey’s was small and perfect, a strawberry sundae with one scoop of vanilla ice cream that turned pinkish with the strawberry sauce, a tiny puff of whipped cream, and a pretty strawberry right on top. Zander made himself a decent-sized butterscotch sundae, also with vanilla ice cream. But he skipped the whipped cream and went with a pile of crushed-up nuts instead. Then there was my ice cream sundae. It turned out to be an enormous and towerin’ pile of a bunch of different kinds of ice cream, hot fudge
and
butterscotch sauce, whipped cream, jimmies, nuts, tiny chocolate candies, a bunch of these spicy little red hearts, a couple of cherries, and two biscotti stuck into the side of the bowl. Casey told me that’s what them crispy cookies were called. Like, you name it and it was in that bowl. Big and not too pretty, it was.

Us three sat in that cute old-fashioned-lookin’ ice cream parlor and downed those sundaes, not talkin’ too much like we did at dinner, but more just eatin’ and takin’ each other in. Casey was as cute as ever. He insisted on feedin’ each of us a big spoonful of his strawberry sundae, and then he stole bites of our ice cream right off our spoons. I rubbed Zander’s knee a couple times to let him know that
I
knew wherever and however One Voice met would be a good and kind place where I would belong.

After ice cream, there were movies. And after movies was the best part, when we got back to the dorm. Us three went to the big bathroom in the hallway, and we lined up at this long row of sinks and brushed our teeth while lookin’ at each other in this stretched-out mirror. We each took a minute in the can, and then we headed back to the room. I’m supposed to be callin’ it “our room,” but it feels too weird, so I just call it “the room.”

That night in bed we did somethin’ a little different from what we usually do. First, I got on my knees and told each of them to lie down on their backs on each side of me. Casey lay right down, but Zander looked at me sideways for a couple seconds before he slowly leaned back. Didn’t bother me none. I knew it was a bit harder for him to give up all sexual control to me when I wanted it—much more than it was for Casey—but that inside his heart, he really wanted to. So, soon as they were both lyin’ there, holdin’ on to each other’s hands and lookin’ up at me, I took hold of their dicks and just did my thing. Told ’em they had to look up at me the whole time I was doin’ it too.

I’m not lyin’ when I say I saw the prettiest expressions I ever seen on them two faces. Those guys just lay there and took what I gave ’em—their honest eyes wide open and gazin’ up at me. Casey had lots of trouble stayin’ still toward the end. He kept on thrustin’ his hips up to help me out with what I was doin’. Who could blame him? Still, I told him to settle down, cuz I had it all under control. But he kept those baby blues of his locked right on me. Now Zander didn’t have no problem keepin’ his ass still on the bed. He let me do as I wanted to him, but he kept on closin’ his eyes every time he got to feelin’ real good, like he wanted it to be his own private thing. And wanna know what? I kept right on sayin’, “Zander, look at me,” every time them eyelids of his slipped shut. And the fucked-up thing is, he listened to me. Struggled a bit but opened those amber eyes and gazed up at me. I saw hella trust in both sets of eyes.

Saw trust in those eyes, the love there, the missin’ me, and the gladness that I was there with them, pumpin’ their dicks without mercy. This next thing is gonna sound like a pile of crap, but what the fuck. Gonna spill it anyhow. Seein’ that love, I almost lost it in two different ways. First of all, I almost cried. Held back, but it took everythin’ I had to keep my eyes dry. And second, I nearly came. Yup, just touchin’ my guys—lovin’ them with my hands and eyes—had me ready to shoot.

Speakin’ of shootin’, I had both of my guys firin’ off at the very same second. Timed it right, I did. And they didn’t waste no time draggin’ me down ’tween the middle of ’em and stickin’ their hands inside my shorts. Soon I was goin’ off myself.

I hadn’t slept with my guys naked many times before, mostly cuz when we slept overnight together back in high school, we were at Casey’s house. And sure, we all slept together on the floor of Casey’s bedroom plenty of times—Casey called it
a nest
that we made outta all the blankets—but not bare-assed. That night, after we cleaned ourselves up, we slept without no clothes on. We put Casey’s soft body ’tween us, and I pulled his back against my chest. As I had long arms, I tugged Zander toward us so he was chest to chest with Casey, and I had my hand on the back of his neck.

It was a fuckin’ slice of heaven.

Last thing I remember before we fell sleep was hearin’ Casey’s sweet voice sayin’, “Wish you never had to leave, Nate.”

And then Zander. “Then we could be like this every night.”

Yeah. Don’t I fuckin’ wish it?

Z
ANDER
Z
ANE
’
S
One Voice Blog Spot—by invite only

Your host, Zander Z

Warning.
I know this is a blog, and someday it will be read by others, but I’m not going to spare the personal details about my feelings for my partners. These are the very details necessary to make the very first members and creators of One Voice real to you and thus make One Voice, itself, real to you. And so on that note—

I
T
WAS
so fucking hard to let go of Nate on Sunday night. I swear, a part of me wanted to pack up my shit and head home to NH right along with him. But another part of me asked where that would get us. Casey and I need to study so we can get good jobs. Only then will we be able to take Nate and Cindy away from that asshole, Rich, and help get Nate on track for his own future career. The dude wants to be a cook. Ever since the three of us first got to know each other in our junior year of high school by doing a French project together, Nate has been fascinated with cooking. And he’s a decent cook—no joke. If you ever read this, Nate, your crepes are the best! Casey and I have talked about this plan a lot, and we’ve decided that we’ll help to get him enrolled in a nearby cooking school at the earliest opportunity.

So, all three of us went to the One Voice meeting on Sunday. It was the last thing we did together before Nate had to pick up his little sister at his aunt’s house and make the trip back to New Hampshire. Before the meeting, Nate got real quiet, and Casey and I had no trouble figuring out exactly why. We knew the dude, and we knew he always fought feelings of low self-esteem, especially in the academic department. Boston City College was an academic environment, and Nate felt out of his element.

Casey and I had thought we’d fixed these insecurities in Nate over the course of last year, our senior year in high school. We’d studied together an embarrassing amount, and as a result, Nate’s grades had skyrocketed compared to his freshman and sophomore years. Fact is, dude, if you’re reading this, you’re supersmart, and the only one who doesn’t know it is you. Just saying.

But Nate slipped back into his old insecurities quick enough.

So even before we headed over to Ledyard Hall, Nate was basically silent and sulky, and it was clear that he was suffering from his old insecurities to the umpteenth degree. But I didn’t let him off the hook and say “Why don’t you skip the meeting and head home now?”
I
wanted him there.
We
needed him to be there.
He
needed to be there with us.

So we dragged him over to the meeting, and as I expected, we only got five returning members, not including us. I guess two of the kids who’d come last week either had other plans or weren’t committed to the concept.

“Well,” I joked as the three of us entered the classroom. “Our first task is going to have to be a focus on recruitment, huh?”

My five loyal members, along with Casey and Nate, laughed a bit uncomfortably. Then we pushed the tables to the sides of the room and formed our chairs into one circle. Once we were all facing each other, I made an announcement.

“And so, in the interest of openness and out of the love and pride I feel in my relationship, I’d like to officially introduce to you my family. You have already met my partner, Casey. And now I would like to introduce you to
our
partner, Nate.”

Yeah. The room was pin-drop quiet for a full minute, and I noticed Nate had turned alarmingly pink. I also noted that Casey reached over to where Nate was sitting in the chair beside him and took his hand.

“I hope that Nate will be able to be here for many, in fact, for
most
, Sunday evening meetings to offer his support and help to the cause—acceptance of everyone’s sexual orientation and choice of partners.”

Five sets of staring eyes slid from me to Casey to Nate and then fixed on me again. One by one, they nodded. Small nods—but nods nonetheless, except for one dude.

“That’s fucked up,” he said, and then got up and left. Casey turned bright red, and I worried he might bolt too, but Nate hung on to his hand, which kinda settled him down. As long as I knew Casey, though, he hated to be the subject of controversy, because being noticed in a negative way made him feel like a target. At that moment, I was more glad than ever that Nate was with us.