One Voice 02 - Here Without You (18 page)

“Casey, uh….” Zander’s breathing was husky. “The bed. Let’s go lie down.”

He pulled me to his bed, then pushed me down on my back and climbed on top of me.

“Zander, I’ve missed you… so much.”

Before I knew it, we were kissing passionately, grinding our hips together.

“I want you,” Zander uttered, his hands on my gym shorts, tugging them down.

“I haven’t showered yet, Zander.”

He replied quickly, “I don’t care.”

My shorts were soon around my ankles, and my briefs had joined them. “Oh, I need you.” My hands made quick work of that towel. It dropped to the floor beside the bed.

The T-shirt I wore was soon on the floor beside the towel, and it looked like we were in business. I couldn’t begin to describe the bliss of feeling his soft lips on my chest. It was as if I had never been touched before. I writhed and moaned beneath him. When his tongue stretched out to taste my nipple and the warm moistness started to take me apart, piece by piece, I pulled Zander’s head to my chest, and then I reached out for Nate.

I reached out for Nate.

“Nate.” I said it. Out loud. And everything stopped.

Zander flopped back on the bed, and I flipped on top of him so I was draped across his chest. And we both cried.

Even Zander—strong, controlled, reasonable Zander—shed tears on that bed.

We missed the rest of our classes that day. It didn’t matter because we needed so badly to just lie in each other’s arms. I think we both knew that we weren’t going to last another day if we didn’t inhale each other’s breath and profess our love aloud in the midst of this trying circumstance.

“Nate has nobody.” We had both been silent for the better part of an hour when I finally spoke. “He’s alone, Zander.”

“I know.” He sniffed a couple times, and I recognized pain in the tone of his voice.

“Think he still needs us?” I asked.

He hesitated, and I thought he was going to shrug, but instead he nodded. Just once. “I think he probably does.”

“Feelings… you know, deep feelings like ours. They don’t just disappear into thin air, do they?” I needed to hear him say no, but he just shook his head several times. “Can we go and try to see him again? I want to see him, Zander. I can’t do this anymore.” That was my cue to start crying again. “I just can’t
do
this any… anymore.”

“Let’s wait, Casey, just a little bit longer.” He sounded incredibly certain.

“He’s going to forget all about us.” I was so worried that I admitted my greatest fear.

Zander took my face in his hands and looked me right in the eyes. “He could
never
forget about you—no one could.” He looked at me with so much love and sureness, I thought he could be right.

Maybe, just maybe, what he was saying could be true.

“I love you, Zander. And I want you too. But I think we can wait for a while… for making love. And we can wait a little longer to go find Nate.”

“We can. But I can’t express to you exactly how much I’d like to put my new lovemaking skills to work on you. I hadn’t even had a chance to practice everything I learned when I was cut off.” He looked down at my face with a crooked grin.

I had to laugh at that, because I knew just what he meant. “And the feeling is totally mutual.” But we could wait a bit longer.

It wasn’t all about sex.

It was, however, still all about the three of us. Until that was no longer the case, making love didn’t fit into the equation.

19

N
ATE
’
S
D
IARY

November 9

S
TILL
TRYIN
’
to figure out how I got myself into this fine pile of steamin’ shit… and neck deep in it. Cuz at the moment, I ain’t got no place to live. Looks like I’m gonna be campin’ out in my truck.

It’s not that I don’t have no money. I got some—not a lot. Up until the shit hit the fan, I was spendin’ most of my cash on payin’ my share to Uncle Rich for livin’ in his house, and spendin’ much of the rest on takin’ care of Cindy. Cuz a girl can’t live on mac and cheese. If Cindy was gonna have herself an apple to eat, I was gonna have to be the one buyin’ it. What I wouldn’t give to have those days back—but those days are gone.

So, I have a small bit of money, but not enough for a security deposit and first and last month’s rent. Just don’t got it—don’t got nowhere to get it neither. Looks like I’m gonna have to start savin’, and that’ll be a challenge if I don’t cut out some of the booze and weed—which I don’t see happenin’ no time soon, seein’ as they’re my only reasons for livin’.

Had it made stayin’ with Missy ’til last night, when I more or less got my ass kicked outta her place. But I just couldn’t do what she wanted me to do. Thought I could. Let her think I could—which turned out to be my biggest mistake. But when push came to shove, man, I just couldn’t fuck her.

Missy’d been hintin’ at us gettin’ busy in the sack since day one. And I mean “Day One,” as in back when I started workin’ at the gas station when I was still with Casey and Zander. So, last night, when we both had a night off work together and then got drunk and stoned, we found ourselves in her bed. It didn’t come as no major surprise that she expected me to fuck her. Shit, it shoulda been simple as wham, bam… you know the rest. It woulda been kinda like payin’ the rent. I didn’t
wanna
do her, but it was the cost of sleepin’ on that crappy couch.

Thing is, when push came to shove, I just couldn’t fuck her. I’m not sayin’ it was cuz of Casey and Zander. Them two aren’t mine no more. But I couldn’t fuck her. No more on that subject, ’cept for the fact that I’m kicked outta her place now.

So I’m real thankful for my coat and my fleece blanket. And tomorrow, after work, I’ll invest in a good sleepin’ bag. It’s not like it’s January or nothin’. It’s only early November, and it really ain’t that cold. I can just turn the truck on and blast the heat whenever I my ass starts freezin’ off.

They got a shower at the garage, and if I time it right at work, I can grab a shower there sometimes.

This’ll be cool for a while.

Yeah. This’ll work okay ’til I can save up some cash.

[email protected]

Hey, dude.

Almost entered today’s post on my blog spot. Yeah, as in, the One Voice blog spot. And nah, I’m not doing too much better in regard to Nate being MIA. Or about Nate having dumped our asses, which is the plain truth. Casey and I are still suffering, still depressed, still feeling like when we’re just the two of us, something is missing.

But I have to get some stuff done, you know, bro? First off, I still have a lot to learn on sexuality/gender issues, so I’m gonna have our group watch a video that was recommended to me by a guy in my ethics class, called
Ending Gender
by Scott Turner Schofield. If One Voice doesn’t understand the issue, nobody will, right? I’m hurt and pissed about my personal stuff, but I’ve rededicated myself to the cause. And so has Casey. It helps keep our minds off the bullshit.

On Sunday night, Casey and I are gonna arrive at the meeting with two huge trash bags of buttered popcorn, and Anna and Claire have the drinks covered. After we watch the video, we’ll talk as a group about shredding labels. We can brainstorm about how to reach everybody in the school with our message of welcome and acceptance, so no one feels left out because of their sexual orientation or gender identity.

That’s what’s up in my neck of the woods, dude.

Super stoked to hear that you and Abby are heading east for Thanksgiving. It’s gonna be like a real
holiday
at the Zane home, and I use that term loosely.

Keep cool.

Z-man

C
ASEY
’
S
REAL
LIFE

“W
E
’
RE
GOING
home for Thanksgiving weekend, and Zander says we can stop by Missy’s apartment and check on Nate if we haven’t heard from him by then.” My chest actually got tight, the way it usually did at the beginning of a panic attack, every time I thought about seeing Nate. But this time, I started right into a series of deep breaths to stop the dry mouth and nausea before I fell into a full-blown episode.

“You think he would ever agree to celebrate Thanksgiving with either one of your families?” Claire asked with honest and hopeful sincerity. I really wanted to say yes. But I had serious doubts that he would so much as open the door to us.

Zander answered, “We’ll certainly invite him. That’s all I know. But we aren’t really in charge of his response to the invitation.” Zander stopped, thought for a minute, and then reached beside him to take my hand beneath the table at College Pizza. “Casey and I don’t really know this new version of Nate DeMarco.”

Anna and Claire sat across from us, also holding hands, their brows sporting identical worry wrinkles. They had become our other half, in a sense. Zander and I met them almost daily for lunch or dinner, we’d seen several movies with them, and we recently started planning One Voice meetings as a group. More importantly, we confided in them. They knew the full extent of the bullying I suffered at Benjamin Franklin High School. All of it. They were aware of Nate’s violent home life, and they knew the maternal neglect that Zander had long endured. And the sharing wasn’t a one-way street. Zander and I knew about their struggles with their Christian identities and how hiding their relationship had taken a toll on them, individually and as a couple.

They were our true friends. Other than Nate and Zander, they were the first friends I’d ever had. A rush of warmth enveloped my heart, and naturally, as I
am
Casey Minton, my eyes filled with tears.

Anna practically climbed over the table in an effort to touch me, to comfort me. “Honey, we don’t have to talk about Nate anymore if it upsets you. Sorry. Oh, I’m so sorry.”

“No… no, Anna. Don’t be sorry, please.” I wiped my eyes with my paper napkin. “The tears are sort of…. They’re happy tears.”

All three of my dining companions gawked at me, probably thinking, “Happy tears? Casey’s finally lost his marbles.”

“I’m not happy about Nate being gone. It’s not that at all.” I stopped talking long enough to take a calming breath and dab at my eyes with the napkin one more time. “It’s just, I was thinking that you two are my first real true friends, other than Zander and Nate.”

Suddenly our corner booth at the pizza parlor was a cryfest—the exact opposite of a lovefest. All four of us were wiping our eyes.

Anna headed toward the bathroom. “I’m afraid I’m not into public displays of
emotion
. But for the record, I’m fine with PDAs.” She made an attempt to laugh. “Order me a cannoli—a chocolate chip one if they have them today. Needing chocolate to swing my mood back up.”

That left Claire, who sat opposite Zander and me, her dark eyes wide and wet. “I haven’t had many friends in my life either, Casey,” she confided quietly. “So you’re both very special to me. And if I had one wish, it would be that our little foursome will turn into a fivesome.”

It suddenly hit me that Nate would love these two friends of ours, and I smiled. But the smile fell off my face as I wondered if he’d ever have a chance to get to know them.

20

Nate’s Diary

November 17

S
ICK
AGAIN
.
Had to work last night, though, seein’ as I missed the day before yesterday and a couple days last week. Got myself a stern warnin’ from the boss man. He was like, “If you can’t get your sorry ass to those gas pumps, I’ll find some loser who can.”

Last week I fucked up and missed work cuz I was hungover and couldn’t even get my ass outta the truck. Thank Christ I got me a good hidin’ spot for the truck, down near the lake, cuz I couldn’t of dealt with movin’ it on those nights. Messed up thing is, before I was with Casey and Zander, I used to take girls to this spot to smoke weed, drink beer, and suck face. And when us three were real needy for each other senior year, I even took Casey and Zander to this spot. We’d park and have ourselves a bit of fun. Nah, that ain’t true. We mostly just held each other in my truck—us three lined up across the bench seat, little Casey ’tween me and Zander. Little did I know I was gonna be callin’ this clearin’ under the pine trees home sweet fuckin’ home in a short year.

I think I’d be doin’ good if I could get rid of this hackin’ cough. Yesterday I had chills and shit, but either I’m gettin’ used to them or they went away altogether. Can’t say which it is.

Good thing is, I don’t have no time to think about them two down in Boston. Nope.

And not thinkin’ about them is just fine by me.

One more thing. I quit the dog walkin’ gig. Too fuckin’ much for me to handle on an empty belly and not enough sleep.

But I gotta keep what I got goin’ at the gas station, or I’ll be flat broke. Time to head to work.

[email protected]

Danny—

Once again, I almost posted on the One Voice blog spot, because some of what I’m gonna tell you is good stuff for the blog. See, man, what we did as a group—I’m talking about the BCC One Voice Club—was monumental. So we have like twenty members now, right? Well, get this—according to the food pantry, our twenty members collected more canned and nonperishable food than an entire South Shore middle school.

Teamwork, right?

Yeah, we got teamwork down—especially me, Casey, Anna, and Claire. After our One Voice meeting on Sunday night, where we collected the cans from the members and then watched a music video of this band called Rise Against doing the song “Make It Stop (September’s Children)” that showed all of this nasty bullying at school. These three kids on the video seriously contemplate suicide, even go so far as to almost do it, but then something stops them, and you see flashes of the future they’ll have because they hung on through that incredibly hard moment. I showed it because it has video clips of all these kids and young adults saying that things will get better in life.