One Voice 02 - Here Without You (22 page)

Nate pushed himself up so he was sitting cross-legged, and he looked right into my teary eyes with his own serious dark ones. “Casey,
of course
I love you guys. How the fuck could I
not
love you?” He glanced at Zander.

“Then promise you won’t walk out the door on us again.” Zander put words to my thoughts. “We need to know that you’re here with us in this. In the good times as well as in the shitty ones.”

The sight of my two partners, the torment in their still-dry eyes, felt like knives piercing my gut. I could do nothing but wait for Nate to pronounce a life or death sentence on our relationship.

“I don’t wanna go. I love you guys. And if I left, I’d leave to… I’d leave so that I could just pass on from here.”

I was certain that by “here” he meant from the world. He was prepared to go away to die.

“Cuz sometimes… sometimes shit just hurts too fuckin’ much….”

I could sense that Nate was about to open his heart to us. The anticipation made me shiver.

“And when I knew I screwed up so bad with Cindy, I felt like shit. I let her get nearly killed, and I knew I didn’t deserve to feel none of the warm lovin’ feelin’s you guys gave me no more. Didn’t deserve it, cuz I proved myself to be a selfish asshole. I stayed with you two that night cuz
I wanted to
. Not cuz
you
wanted me to, Zander, though I blamed it on your ass. I friggin’ didn’t wanna go home, where I felt so empty and got beat on all the fuckin’ time, and… it was just so nice there with you guys.”

I had so much to say, but I held back. Nate was releasing his feelings, and I needed to listen.

“I got to the hospital, and they treated me like a fuckin’ stranger. Somehow they’d already got a hold of Aunt Terri, and she sorta got put in charge. When Cin… when Cindy came to, she told Terri that she fuckin’ hated me for leavin’ her at home alone with Uncle Rich. Said she was gonna fuckin’ hate me forever. She still ain’t talked to me to this day.”

Zander moved behind Nate so he could lean back against him. I bent forward and grasped his hands in mine and then squeezed to encourage him to keep talking.

“I figured, in time, you guys were gonna dump my sorry ass too. You guys—friggin’ college guys now—were gonna smarten up to who the fuck ya let in ya bed. And I’ll tell ya this. It’d be easier to go to sleep alone in that parkin’ lot and never wake up than it’d be to have you guys turn on me. And hate me… like Cindy does.”

“That won’t ever happen. We love you. We weren’t able to smile at all since you left us. We felt empty and lonely. We missed you more than you can imagine.” I squeezed his hands as I spoke. “But we need to know if you’re back for good.”

This time he didn’t hesitate. “I wanna be. Only thing is, I’m a big screw-up.”

That’s when Zander laughed. It came from down low in his chest. “Yeah, dude, but you’re
our
screw-up, and we wanna keep you.”

Nate smiled at that. And then he told us how he’d lost his home, his job, his health, and finally, he thought, maybe even his sanity. What a picture the three of us must have made, sitting on Zander’s kitchen floor, huddled together for shelter, safety, and comfort.

When he had finished his story, including the details of his uncle’s arrest and Cindy’s relocation to Aunt Terri’s house, I decided it was time to make things more upbeat. “I’m fairly certain I can salvage the omelets, but I’m thinking no home fries at this point. Zander, will you put in some toast and butter it? And Nate, how about pouring three tall glasses of OJ?”

The three of us made breakfast, ate breakfast, and cleaned up from breakfast as if six weeks of pain hadn’t recently separated us.

Z
ANDER
Z
ANE
’
S
One Voice Blog Spot—by invite only

Your host, Zander Z

More for the record book. Just saying. Marking this entry as for my eyes only.

****
Note to self
—this part is not for Dan’s eyes or for a One Voice blog entry or for anyone but me.

After breakfast, right about when Dan and Abby got back from their run, Casey and I took Nate back to the bedroom. We had a fairly clear idea of what Nate had endured. We knew he was devastated by the loss of his little sister and he was afraid of losing us in the same kinda way. He had no job, no money, and he was homeless. We also knew that he still loved us and wanted to be with us.

This time when we placed Nate between us in the bed, he didn’t act dazed and unaware of us. This time he showed us his neediness. And seeing him needy for us was the biggest boost we could ever have hoped for. Before we got into my bed, we all stripped down to our underwear. We wanted to press as much of our skin together as possible. I think that might be what I missed most about being a throuple—lying together, feeling each other’s bodies, languishing in the sense of warmth, safety, and belonging. Not to be overly dramatic or anything.

And so we did just that for three hours. Dan and Abby probably wondered if the earth had opened up and swallowed us.

Nate was acting a lot more like Casey than I’d ever seen before. He kept flipping back and forth between us, reaching out to pull Casey against him, kissing him lightly on the forehead, and then turning toward me to do the same. The dude flipped back and forth so many times that he was getting me dizzy. So, finally I gently pushed him onto his back and leaned down to kiss him soundly. Casey, realizing that I was trying to get Nate’s mind focused, leaned over and started to kiss his neck and throat. When we had his complete attention, both of us pulled ourselves up beside him and studied his face.

“You are beautiful,” Casey told him.

Nate shook his head.

“You are ours,” I informed him.

Nate nodded.

“Is it okay if we make love to you? I mean, I think I’m speaking for both of us when I say that we want to have our fill of you, and the only way we can do that is to take you to heaven with our bodies and—”

I could tell Casey was back to his normal self, as he was chattering happily. Even Nate smiled.

“Can we love you, dude? You ready for that?” I interrupted Casey to simplify the question.

“I… uh… I’m all skinny, and I ain’t shaved in a month and….”

“That sounds like a yes to me,” I said and winked at Casey, who winked back.

“Okay.” Nate released a long breath. Then he added, “Yeah, please… please, you guys. Love on my body.”

We didn’t need to hear another word on the subject. Not another fucking word.

Casey and I started our work, but before we did, I hesitated a second to take in the moment. I looked at Nate lying beneath me. He was skinny as a rail but as lanky and beautiful as ever, arms and legs splayed beside him, eyes wide and expectant, and barely breathing as he waited for us to deliver him to paradise. And Casey, whose light eyes were locked on Nate’s lips, probably in anticipation of what he was gonna do to them, was smiling. Clearly
he
was already in heaven.

“I love you guys.” They both turned their heads to look at me when I said that. And in their eyes, I saw everything I would ever need.

Casey went to work on Nate’s lips, and Nate’s eyes rolled back before closing. These two dudes meant everything to me, and I swore to myself that I would never again let anything divide us. Then I bent down to Nate’s bony chest and tasted his skin.

I needed to reacquaint myself with every inch of his body, so I started with his left nipple, which was as good a starting point as any. I took it between my lips. Nate shuddered and would have gasped if Casey hadn’t been attached to his mouth by the lips. I put that nipple through a lot, sucking it and biting on it and giving it like a thousand tiny kisses. I had to know if my efforts were successful, so I reached down and stuck my hand on the crotch of Nate’s boxers. I couldn’t miss that his dick was begging for attention.

But it wasn’t time to take care of that yet. I gave his dick a little pat and then climbed between his legs so I could pay some attention to his belly. Every inch of this guy needed loving attention. And between Casey and me, every inch was gonna get it. Before I got down to business, I glanced at Nate’s upper body and saw that Casey had moved down from his lips and was licking Nate’s jaw and the hollow of his neck. I couldn’t see Nate’s face anymore, but I’d seen his expression in moments like this, and it was always one of complete surrender. And it was always a fucking beautiful sight. With that image in my mind, I lowered my face to his belly and pressed my cheek against the fur there. It was the best feeling in the world.

By the time Casey and I had finished kissing Nate all over—I’d had a field day on his hips, legs, and feet, and Casey had taken care of his arms and hands and chest—Nate lay flat on the bed, gripping the bedspread and breathing heavily, like he was trying hard to stay in control. His eyes were closed tightly. He appeared completely helpless, and I liked it.

I wanted complete submission from Nate. From the devilish expression on Casey’s face as he feasted those baby blues on Nate’s crotch, he did too.

“Open your eyes, Nate. Look at us.” I was surprised by the commanding sound of my voice.

He quickly complied. In the depths of his eyes, I saw the true fragility of this normally strong man. I saw surrender. And I knew he was ours.

Together Casey and I removed his boxers and began feeding on his dick as if we’d been starving for him—because we had been.

My eager lips and tongue met with Casey’s as we took him into our mouths. It was also the closest I had felt to Casey in months. Nate struggled not to buck his hips, thrusting his dick into whichever mouth was open to it. By staying still, he was submitting to our will, which was what we all needed. The ache of separation, though still echoing in my head, was no longer true pain. It was in the past, and we were reestablishing our connection. It may have seemed like we were simply reconnecting our bodies, but the moment went way far beyond that. It was about our hearts.

I had to jump up for a second to retrieve the lube I’d stuffed in my backpack in a hopeful moment before we left BCC. By the time I returned, Casey was already coaching Nate to get on all fours. He obediently crouched on the center of the bed, and Casey slid directly underneath him. I prepared Nate for sex carefully but quickly. None of us were in a position to wait very long for the next chapter of our lovemaking.

Pushing inside of Nate right then was not an experience I’ll ever forget. The moment is a permanent part of my memory now. Engraved on my brain, you know? And his body didn’t want to just let me right in. He had to struggle to accept me, which paralleled the struggle of his heart. It wasn’t easy for Nate to open his body or his heart to us, but with a bit of persistence, he allowed both.

I moved inside him, at first slowly and deeply, touching his inner depths. It made him gasp over and over, which sounded better than any music. When my movements became shallower, more satisfying to my own needs, I heard the muffled sound of moaning coming from beneath me in stereo, and I knew Casey was also very busy, probably stroking himself and Nate in time with my thrusts.

“Kiss Casey, Nate. Kiss him right now,” I demanded, just when I knew I was ready to come. I wanted their lips joined at my moment of completion. Nate immediately lowered himself to his elbows and then turned his head slightly to the side so he could cover Casey’s lips with his own. Seeing that, I lost all control and released everything I had—everything I’d held inside for so long—right into Nate’s body. And in my mind, through Nate’s lips, my love flowed into Casey as well. Before another second had passed, Nate was stiffening beneath me in the manner of a man letting go. Then Casey reached up, and his hand covered mine on Nate’s hip. When he squeezed, I knew he was coming too.

I was the first to say it. “I love you guys. We’re never gonna be apart again.”

Casey’s words of love were breathless as well. “I love my guys… love you two.”

But Nate’s words cut through what little was left of the residual darkness and fogginess that kept us from complete intimacy. Nate said, “I’m alive.”

****N
OTE
TO
self:
okay to post this part

So Dan—

That night the Mintons came over. They brought a holiday with them. Casey, Nate, and I, along with Abby, you, and the twins, chowed down on the best turkey dinner we’ve ever eaten. Which isn’t really saying much, because you know better than anybody that Ma’s cooking kinda sucks.

After we ate, we popped in the video of
Frozen
to entertain Sarah and Lola, who looked supercute in matching velvety dark green dresses with big shiny bows on their backs. The rest of us sat in the living room drinking coffee and tea, eating pumpkin pie, and talking quietly. I felt like we had a real family, not just you, me, Ma, her latest fuck buddy, and maybe a stray uncle—which was our normal holiday, growing up.

Didn’t you like how Mr. and Mrs. Minton talked to Nate about his future options? They weren’t in his face about it at all. They were cool and concerned—and just right.

I loved it when Mr. Minton said to Casey, Nate, and me, “You three boys are
all
our sons. We love you all, and we want to see each one of you happily working on your future goals. That means you too, Nate.”

Nate definitely had a “what the fuck?” moment when Mr. Minton said that. His jaw dropped about three inches, remember?

Mrs. Minton said, “Nate, one of my former college roommates works in admissions at the Boston Culinary Institute near Boston City College. If you want, I’ll put in a call and see what’s necessary to get you in there, starting second semester. And she can help me figure out financial aid for you, as well.”

Nate got a worried look on his face, which made Casey practically jump into his lap.

Remember when Nate said, “I ain’t got nowhere to live”?

When you and Abby went into the kitchen for coffee, Mr. Minton told us not to worry. He explained that, since Casey’s on a full scholarship, the Mintons would be willing to pay for an apartment for us with the cash they’d saved for Casey’s college education.