On My Own (16 page)

Her eyes flashed with anger. “It was mutual, Caitlin. We
both
‘touched,’ as you put it. We both got involved with each other. We had an affair, a liaison–label it what you will.”

Now even though I was totally stunned, I wasn't completely surprised. Somehow it all just seemed to make sense. Still, I didn't want to shut her down. “By ‘an affair,’ you mean you guys had sex?”

She laughed in that cynical way again. “That's usually what it means to have an affair. We had several places where we'd meet fairly regularly. At first I didn't really like it, I mean, it felt sneaky and sort of dirty and wrong. But because I loved him, I never refused, I never said no.”

“How long did it last?”

“About a year. It started early in my sophomore year and then abruptly ended at the beginning of my junior year, right after his second child was born. I know I was a fool, but I believed him. He kept telling me that he
didn't love his wife and that they never talked the way we did. And he said he was going to leave her after the baby came and that when I graduated from high school he would marry me.”

Liz laughed again, but it had a cold empty sound. “Okay, now you can see what a total idiot Liz Banks really was. Don't you want to laugh at me, Caitlin? I mean, think of all the horrible things I've said and done to you. Don't you want to get back at me and have a good, long laugh at my expense?”

“No.” I reached over and touched her arm. “I'm sorry that it happened.”

“Well, you don't need to be sorry for me. It was my own fault.”

“But you were so young back then. And he was your youth pastor. What he did was wrong. He could face serious charges for that.”

“See! That's exactly why I never told anyone. They would say it was all his fault, that he was the adult and I was the child. And that's not how it was.”

“But you were–what–fifteen? Sixteen?”

“I was mature for my age. And I knew what I was getting into. Not only that, I enjoyed it, eventually.”

Still I had difficulty believing her. “I think you truly loved Glen, Liz, but I seriously doubt that you went into that relationship looking to have sex with the man. Did you?”

She looked down at the lamb without answering.

“But I'll bet that's why he got involved with you.”

She remained quiet.

“I'm not saying he's a twisted evil man. In fact, I'll bet he's got some great qualities as a youth leader and a person, or you never would've been attracted to him in the first place. But surely you can see that what he did was wrong–totally wrong. What would the pastor of your church think if he knew what this guy was up to? And whether you can see it or not, he's really messed up your life.” Suddenly I remembered my promise not to speak out or preach or judge. “I'm sorry, Liz. I didn't mean to start going at you.”

“No, it's okay.” She looked at me with tears now running down both cheeks. “I think maybe I need to hear this.”

“Okay.” I took a deep breath. “Then can you see how Glen abused his leadership position in the church?”

“Well, yes. But then I allowed it to happen. Maybe I even encouraged it.”

“But you were so young–he was an adult. Can't you see that?”

She shrugged.

“What if you read in the newspaper about some high school teacher who was sleeping with fifteen-year-old girls? Would you think that was okay?”

“I guess not.”

“What makes it any different with your situation?”

“Oh, I don't know. I just feel like I had as much to do with it as he did. I mean, he never forced himself on me.”

“Yes, but whose idea was it to start with?”

She didn't answer.

“And what makes you think he's not doing it again with some other fifteen-year-old?”

Her eyes flashed. “Oh, I don't really think–”

“Come on, Liz,” I urged her. “You're a pretty sophisticated young woman. You know about this sort of thing. What do you really think? That Glen did that once but would never do it again–ever?”

“I guess I never really thought about it.”

“How would it make you feel if you found out he's been pulling the same stunt with other girls?”

“Her facial features drooped, and she was quiet for a moment before she spoke. “It'd make me sick.”

“And why's that?”

“Because …it's wrong.” Her head slumped down now, and she was crying more freely.

I'd been praying silently and desperately throughout this entire conversation, but I now prayed more fervently than ever, begging God to give me just the right words to bring this whole thing back to Him. “You know, Liz, I can't begin to imagine how that relationship must've made you feel. I mean, just thinking about it makes my head spin. You must've felt so confused and hurt and betrayed. Sheesh, it just boggles my mind!”

“Yeah, at the time I didn't know if I'd even survive it. I was so brokenhearted and hurt and disappointed. Not just in Glen, but in myself, and ultimately in God for allowing the whole thing to happen–right there in the church.”

“So do you really think it was God's fault?”

“It involved a man who was supposedly serving God.”

“But do you really think. God was controlling Glen's actions?”

“No, of course not. I don't think God controls any of us.”

“Then is it fair to blame God?”

“Oh, I don't know.” She exhaled with what sounded like exasperation. “I don't even know why I told you all this.”

I took a breath. “I'm sorry, Liz. I suppose I'm pushing you again. I don't really mean to do it. I just feel so bad that I want to do everything I can to make it better.”

“Well, you can't fix it, can you?”

I shook my head.

“Nope, no one can.”

“God can.”

She rolled her eyes. “Then why hasn't He?”

“Because like you said He doesn't control you, any more than He controlled Glen. He wants you to come to Him and ask for His help.”

“Well, I don't think I can do that.”

“Are you happy with your life, Liz?”

She stood up now. “Happy? What is happy anyway? I'm alive, aren't I? That's something. I survived this. Now let's just forget we ever talked about this stuff. I mean, I suppose it's been somewhat therapeutic–maybe–I'm not even sure about that. And I know you're just trying to help, Caitlin. But you have to accept that you can't fix me.”

“I know. I know. And I can't save you either. But I can be your friend, if you let me, that is. I can care about you.”

I noticed her chin tremble again. “Yeah. And despite how I act, I really do appreciate that.”

Then I stood up and gave her a hug. “Somehow I think everything's going to turn out just great for you, Liz. But I really believe things won't get better until you let God back into your life.”

She rolled her eyes at me again. “Why am I not surprised that you would say that?” But even as she said it, I didn't sense the same hostility as before.

“Can I say one more thing?”

She shrugged. “Can I stop you?”

“Well, just for the record, I believe that Glen was an unfortunate exception among pastors. And I feel certain that nothing like that will happen in my church because both the pastor and youth pastor have what they call an ‘open door policy’–they don't meet behind closed doors with anyone of the opposite sex.”

She seemed to consider this. “That's probably smart.”

As I stepped back I realized that I also had tears running down my cheeks. “To think all this was the result of that innocent-looking little lamb.”

She laughed. “Yeah, who'd have thought?”

“Well, I should probably get back to my packing. My friends are coming down pretty soon to help me start hauling stuff upstairs.”

“So, I guess you really want to move then?”

I shrugged. “Like I said, I wasn't totally sure which was best. But I sort of assumed you'd be glad to get rid of me.”

“What if I promised to try really hard to be nicer?”

Now I laughed. “No offense, but is that a promise you can really keep?”

“Well, I know I'd been accused of being the wicked withc of the dorm last year …but I think I really brought out all of my artillery with you, Caitlin. I mean, as soon as I realized you were a Christian, I thought, man, am I gonna just let her have it! And I did too. Even Rachel couldn't believe how horrible I was to you. But the truth is, it never made me feel a bit better. It seemed as if it only made it easier to get meaner and coldhearted with everyone else too. And eventually it started to feel like my whole life was literally caving in on me.”

“So do you really think it'll be different now?”

“Oh, I don't know …it's not as if I plan on living like a Christian again. Can you accept that?”

“Well, no one can force you to live like a Christian–that's got to come from your heart. But I guess it would make me feel better if we could agree on some rules for sharing this room.”

“Well, what would it take?”

So I went over the basic things that Jessica and I had discussed, and to my surprise, Liz agreed to them all.

“Are you sure?”

She nodded. “Yeah. It'll be good for me too. My
grades aren't looking too good this term. I need to get serious about school again.”

“I stuck out my hand. “Okay, it's a deal then.”

“Deal.”

Then I groaned.

“What's wrong?”

“Now I've got to go break the news to Jessica.”

She laughed. “If you think that's going to be bad, just imagine what it would've been like to live with her.”

I made a face. “Sorry, Liz, but I don't think anyone could ever match your act.”

She gently punched me in the arm. “You know, I'm liking you more and more.”

So then I went up and told Jessica about my change in plans.

“I can't believe you.” Her voice got high and shrill. “We had an agreement, Caitlin, and now you've put me in a really bad position. Who am I going to get in here at the last minute like this? I could get stuck with just anyone.”

“Look, I'm sorry. It's just the way things went.”

“You're seriously going to keep rooming with that creepy Liz Banks?”

I nodded.

“I guess I'm lucky then, because you must be one crazy chick yourself!” Then she actually slammed the door in my face.

So I went next door and told Kim and Lindsey about my decision. And although they were somewhat incredulous, they proved much more understanding than Jessica
when I explained some of the details.

“We'll sure be praying for you,” said Kim as she walked me down the hall.

“And for Liz,” I reminded her.

“Yeah, you can count on that.”

And so that's the plan for next term. Okay, call me a perennial optimist or a silly fool, but I think it's going to be much better than fall term. And who knows what God might do with Liz. I know that hearing her story gives me tons more compassion for her. I can't imagine what I would be like if I'd gone through the same sort of thing. Then again, I like to think I never would've gotten into that place, but you never know. You just never know.

Ann, so good to be home.
It's like having a vacation except that I'm trying to not be too much of a bum since my mon's pretty worn out from all the Christmas hoopla they've been having at her school. I've even agreed to dress up like an elf and make a surprise visit to their Christmas (oops, they don't call it that) Winter Party on Friday. And I've cooked dinner twice since I've been here. But I've also enjoyed sleeping in and hanging with my old friends. Beanie's worried that she might have to transfer from the Christian college. Apparently all her scholarship and financial aid money isn't quite enough to make it through next term. While we were doing some very frugal Christmas shopping at a new thrift shop she just discovered, she told me that she's been praying for a miracle.

“Yeah, if God wants you there, He'll make it happen.”

“But it could be that God wants me back here with my mom,” she said kind of sadly as she checked out the workmanship of an old beaded purse. Then she bright ened. “Hey, I think she might like this.”

“How's Lynn doing?”

“Okay, actually. You wouldn't believe her place. Oh, it's not exactly spotless, I mean, you know how she is, but she actually did some straightening up for me and put fresh sheets on my bed–that's a first! And she even put out some funky looking Christmas decorations.”

“That's so sweet.”

Beanie frowned. “Yeah, I know. But even so I find myself wishing she could've done stuff like that when I was little–it would've meant so much more then. I mean, sure, it's nice and everything, but it kind of feels like too little too late. And isn't that totally selfish of me?”

“It's probably a natural way to feel.”

She shrugged. “Well, I guess I just need to remember what the real meaning of Christmas is. I mean, if you think about how Jesus came into this world–being born in a stinking stable–I really can't complain about Lynn's housekeeping.” She laughed.

Then she helped me find some earrings and a bracelet for only five bucks that I know Steph will absolutely die for. Beanie is so amazing when it comes to thrift store finds!

Tonight she and Jenny and I are going out to dinner (Jenny's treat!) then to the Christmas concert at our church. We invited Anna, but she has a date with Joel
Johnson. While we were making cutout cookies at my house, yesterday, Beanie told me that she thinks they're really getting serious now.

“Does that bother you anymore?”

She laughed. “No. In fact, Joel came to visit her on campus a couple weeks ago, and he and I had a nice little chat–just friends, of course.”

“Good. How's he doing?”

“Sounds as if he's doing fine. He's even thinking about transferring to our college. He said he'd like to be in a more Christian environment, but I wonder if it isn't also to be closer to Anna.”

“Really? Do you think that would be good?”

“I don't know. Anna's still pretty head over heels about him. Sheesh, she even talks about marriage–

“Marriage! She's only eighteen!”

“Nineteen,” Beanie corrected me. “She turned nineteen last month.”

“Still, can you imagine getting married this young?”