On My Own (11 page)

“At first I was just really flattered,” Beanie explained. “And I joked with him and didn't take it too seriously. To be honest, I thought he might've been just fooling around with me. I mean, to think a guy like that would be more interested in me than Jenny is so–”

”
Beanie!”
I cut her off. “You're always running yourself down! Don't you know what a great person you are? I totally love Jenny and she's terrific, but so are you. And you guys are completely different …there's not even a way to compare you. You're like apples and oranges.”

“Thanks, Cate.” I could hear the smile creeping back into her voice. “This whole thing would've been no big deal if Jenny hadn't been so psyched over Danny. I mean, she talks about him all the time, and she goes to all his performances, and I actually think if she'd just played a little more hard to get, he might've gotten interested.”

I laughed. “Like you did.”

“I wasn't playing hard to get!”

“I know, I know. I just mean it probably seemed like that to him.”

“Anyway, I told Jenny I was absolutely not interested in him. But she was pretty mad anyway. Not at me exactly, but just the whole situation. And she started acting pretty chilly toward me, and then she'd toss out these little snide comments …”

“You know she doesn't mean it, Beanie. She's just hurting.”

“I know, but it hurts my feelings. Especially coming from Jenny. She even got on me about eating a donut, telling me I was already too fat and–”

“Beanie!” I cut her off again. “You are NOT fat. Sure, you have a different build than Jenny …” I paused, remembering Jenny's struggle with anorexia last fall. “She's still eating okay, isn't she?”

“Yeah, I think so. But she's been so bummed about Danny that it worries me a little.”

“I suppose something like this might make her backslide though.”

“Yeah, and then I did something really stupid, Caitlin.”

“What?”

She sighed. “Well, Danny had left a message for me on our answering machine yesterday, which naturally Jenny listened to, before I had a chance to hear it and erase it. And when I got home she sniped at me and then said I better check my messages. So when I heard his message, I grabbed up the phone and called him back–just to spite Jenny–and then I went out and met him for coffee.”

“Oh, Beanie.” I hadn't wanted to show my disapproval, but it was too late.

“I know, I know. It was totally lame. I mean, I don't even like him–not like that anyway. He's a nice enough guy though.”

“So I can imagine how things are between you and Jenny now.”

“Yeah. What should I do?”

“What do you want to do?”

“I want to straighten everything out with her. I'm not really interested in Danny …”

“Are you absolutely certain?”

“Well, he's a sweet guy. And it is kind of fun having someone like him interested and paying attention to me.” She paused. “But it's not worth hurting Jenny over.”

“So what do you want to do then?”

“I already told Danny I was only interested in being friends with him.”

“How did he respond to that?”

“Pretty well, actually. He seemed kind of relieved. He said he wasn't looking for any serious romance either, but that he liked me and wanted to get to know me better–as friends.”

“That's great.”

“Well, not exactly–not when you consider Jenny's feelings.”

“Yeah, good point.”

“So, should I tell Danny I can't be his friend because of Jenny?”

“Have you told Jenny any of this?”

“No.”

“I think you should sit down and have a good heart-to-heart with her and explain the whole thing just like you've explained it to me.”

“Yeah, you're probably right.”

“And if it's true that you're only going to be friends with Danny, why not include Jenny in the friendship too. Just encourage her not to put any pressure on him. It sounds as if he's only looking for friendship anyway.”

“Yeah, that makes sense.”

“And let Jenny know that her friendship is more important to you than Danny's is.”

“Maybe I'll tell her that I'll totally drop him if she wants me to.”

“Are you really willing to do that?”

“I think I am, now that I've thought about it a little.”

“Cool. I think she'll appreciate that.”

Beanie sighed happily. “Hey, I feel much better now. So how's your life going these days?”

I briefly (very briefly) filled her in on the latest trials with Liz. Beanie's been faithfully praying for her too.

“Just remember you can't save her, Caitlin.”

“I know. Believe me, I know.”

“And there might come a time when you just need to walk away–for your own sake, that is. Remember how Jesus told His disciples to shake the dust off their feet when people wouldn't listen to them?”

“Yeah. But I keep thinking God must have some reason for putting me with her.”

“Well, if anyone can have an impact on someone like this Liz chick, it'll probably be you.”

I laughed now. “And why exactly is that?”

“Well, look at how you influenced me. And I was sort of a mess. And don't forget how God used you with Chloe. Talk about what seemed a hopeless case. I honestly didn't think that girl would ever come around.”

“Oh, that's just because you didn't know her. She looked really tough on the outside, but underneath it all I could tell she had a really tender heart.”

“How's she doing?”

“Really great! She's not afraid to talk to anyone about God. Not only that, but she's started baby-sitting for Steph and Tony's weekly date night.”

Beanie laughed. “Following right in my footsteps.”

“Funny, isn't it?”

“Well, Steph and Tony will be good for her. That's so cool.”

We talked a little more, and by the time we hung up, I was feeling much better. Tonight I'll pray especially for Beanie and Jenny to patch things up. I think Jenny (even more than Beanie) really needs that friendship.

The fellowship group is having a pre-Thanksgiving party tomorrow night. It's potluck and a dress-up affair. And since it feels like I'm living at the North Pole (Liz is so chilly), I asked Kim and Lindsey if I could come up to their room to get ready. They seemed happy to have me, so I'm feeling slightly festive today and glad that I brought a few dressier things to college with me. I almost didn't, but Mom reminded me that there could be some special occasions. Of course, that's back when she thought I might join her old sorority. It's funny how that sorority biz looks better as time goes by. Still, it's too late now.

I finally got an e-mail from Josh. And, would you believe it, he hadn't gotten my last e-mail. He'd been having server trouble and feared that perhaps some of his messages had been lost in the interim. But it was so sweet how he wrote to me, since he felt a little unsure that I'd actually answered his last e-mail (more than two weeks ago). So he was kind of tiptoeing around a bit.
He said he'd understand if I was too busy to keep writing or if I had other things going on in my life (which I suspect he meant as “romantic” interests since he mentioned Bryce's name). Anyway, I assured him (without actually saying it) that I was not too busy and enjoyed staying in touch with him. IOW (in other words) as far as I'm concerned, nothing's changed between us.

Now to be honest, it does worry me (just a little) that it meant so much for me to hear from josh. Man, I was so totally happy yesterday–walking on a cloud. And I'm thinking that's the way I should be for God–not a silly guy! And I have to admit this is bugging me–a lot! But I'm praying about it and hoping God will show me what's up and if there's anything I need to do about this whole thing. Because I really do want to love God
most!
And I know that's what He wants from me too. He needs to be first, best, and most in my life.

Oh, it's been a great weekend. A little like that vacation I wanted to take on the Island of Bliss. I guess God knows when we need a break. And tonight I feel totally refreshed–spiritually, emotionally, even physically. The party last night was a lot of fun. I met a bunch of new kids, and it really makes me look forward to next semester when I can get more involved in the fellowship group. As planned, I went to Kim and Lindsey's room. Fortunately those two are getting along better these days. I think seeing Rachel and Liz going at it helped them to appreciate each other more. Not only that, they've been much more compassionate toward my suffering. And although they're praying for Liz (and Rachel too), they both think I should switch roommates after fall term ends. I still don't know for sure.

But anyway, right after my last class, I hauled all my stuff up to their room. (They'd already suggested I spend the night there after the party.) And together we managed to concoct our contributions to the potluck dinner, using only a microwave and a hot plate. We made a fruit salad, coleslaw, and the real challenge, “candied yams.” But all in all our dishes didn't look too bad. Then we helped each other get ready. I'd taken several outfits up. (I hoped they would help me decide since I've never been to a fellowship party here, and I didn't want to over-or underdress for the occasion.) As it turned out, they encouraged me to wear the dressiest dress (a mid-night
blue velvet number with glass beads that Steph had given me after she got pregnant with Clayton). But I didn't have the right shoes.

“I've got some that'll be perfect,” said Kim.

“But you're so petite,” I protested. I'm guessing she's barely five feet tall.

She grinned. “But my feet are size seven and a half.”

“You're kidding. That's perfect!”

Then Lindsey insisted on putting up my hair.

Somewhat skeptical, I almost said no. But when I saw the hope on her face, I gave in. What difference would it make if I ended up looking like the prom queen or even a clown. This party was just for fun anyway. Then to my surprise, she actually did a great job.

“Oh, Caitlin,” gushed Kim when she saw my hair piled high, “you look just like Gwyneth Paltrow at the Oscars. But you're going to need some earrings now. I think I have just the pair.”

I stared in amazement at how well Lindsey had arranged the straight blond hair that usually gives me so much trouble when I try to style it in anything outside of the ordinary. “Lindsey, are you sure you're taking the right major? I mean, I'll bet that a really good hairstylist could make more money than a schoolteacher.”

She laughed. “You're probably right. But as much as I like styling hair, I can't imagine doing it every day. And as far as teaching goes, it's a good thing I'm not in it for the money.”

“Speaking of majors,” Kim held up a red silk dress that she'd just finished steaming. “You haven't mentioned yours, Caitlin. I know you want to work with the orphans in Mexico, but what are you taking?”

“Good question. I haven't totally decided. The obvious major is education, maybe early childhood ed. But I really love writing too.”

“Lucky for you, you don't have to decide yet,” said Lindsey. “I was still torn last year when I had to declare between secondary and elementary ed. But after volunteering in a middle school for a couple of weeks, I had no doubt that I'd rather be with the little kids. I'd completely forgotten how creepy and obnoxious young adolescents can be.”

“It's cool that we're all interested in working with kids,” said Kim as she put the finishing touches on her makeup.

“Kim, you look gorgeous,” I said admiring her exotic-looking Asian beauty.

Lindsey groaned and looked down at her T-shirt and sweatpants. “Now I feel just like Cinderella.”

“Poor Lindsey,” said Kim. “Don't worry; we'll help you get all glammed up now.”

And although Lindsey isn't exactly what you'd call a natural beauty, we (mostly Kim) did manage to get her looking quite stunning. Even she was pleased. “Wow, I really do feel like Cinderella now.”

And so we gathered up our food and trekked over to the hall where the festivities were to be held. And as
hokey as it sounds, we sang praise songs as we went. I thought for a brief moment at how Liz would scowl and make fun of the three of us. She'd probably call us “prissy little Christian girls who were all dressed up with no place to go.” But then I also realized how Liz was probably sitting at home right now, stewing unhappily. Still, I decided I wouldn't allow her to dampen my spirits in any way tonight. And I began to sing with even more gusto, enjoying the clicking sound of Kim's expensive shoes as I danced along the sidewalk with my two new friend.

The only small fly in the ointment (oops, I need to start watching my clichés better–my writing teacher would nab me for this). But anyway, the only black spot on my snowy white evening was that Bryce paid me a little more attention than I wanted. I kept telling myself it was only in a Christian brotherly way, but at the same time I could feel a little alarm going off inside of me. Not that I'm interested in him, mind you, but I just don't want to lead him on either.

As the party was winding to an end, he asked if I needed him to escort me home. But thankfully, I had Kim and Lindsey as excuses to decline his kind offer.

“By the way, Caitlin,” he said as I recovered my dish from the potluck. “I'm going home on Wednesday for Thanksgiving. Do you need a ride?”

Well, I knew my parents would gladly come pick me up, but I also knew how much they'd appreciate me getting a ride on my own. And so I agreed. But even as I said the words, I regretted it. But maybe I can use the travel
time to somehow, and in a kind way, convey to him my convictions on dating. In a way, my nondating stance makes it much simpler when a situation like this arises. More cut-and-dried, you know? Still, I don't want to hurt him. And it'd be nice if we could remain friends since he has a car and our hometowns are so handily located near each other. It's times like this that I'm really thankful that I made that commitment.