On My Own (12 page)

On, it's so great to be home
again. And Thanksgiving was the best ever! Steph and Tony hosted our family as well as several people from church (who don't have family around here), and it was the best time. We stuffed ourselves, then played goofy board games and watched football and visited. Really laid-back but very cool.

Today I mostly hung with my family. First I fixed them breakfast (which completely blew my dad away since he still thinks I don't get up until noon on non-school days). After that, Mom and I did some Christmas shopping. A joke really, since the stores were so packed that we could barely find anything. Although I did manage to lay my hands on some sweet little angel ornaments that I plan to give to my friends.

I think the whole idea of shopping was really just an
excuse for spending time together. I've discovered that living away from home REALLY makes me appreciate my parents–a lot! I can't quite believe it, but I find myself looking up to them more then ever. It's like they've suddenly become so wise and valuable and dependable lately. Or has my perspective changed? Anyway, it's kind of nice to enjoy being around my family.

Tonight we watched a cheesy video that Dad made containing all the highlights of Ben's football games. And it was actually pretty funny. Then we played Pictionary and laughed a lot. I honestly can't remember having an evening like that with my family (where no one got into any squabbles or anything). It felt as if we could've been the model family for a contemporary Norman Rockwell picture. I realize these moments don't come along too often, and so I'm determined to cherish it in my memory for a long time. If nothing else, it should warm my heart when I'm back in my chilly dorm room with Liz.

Speaking of Liz, I'm afraid that she didn't go home for Thanksgiving. I'm not even sure why I think this other than the fact that she didn't seem to be packing up or anything. I asked if she had any plans (I'd been trying to reach out a little more), but she just shrugged and said she wasn't sure yet. So without really thinking, I actually invited her to come home with me. Now, really, I can't imagine what I would've done if she'd agreed (not that she would've, but I think I might have fallen over stone dead if she had). Still, I'm sure my family would've gone out of their way to make her feel at home. They know
she's not the easiest girl to get along with. In fact, even today my mom encouraged me to get my room switched before winter term begins.

“It's sweet that you care about this girl, Caitlin,” she said tactfully as we ate a quick lunch in the noisy food court at the mall. “But we don't want to see your living situation dragging you down while you're trying to study and keep your grades up. We've all sensed that it's been pretty stressful for you this fall.”

And to think they didn't know the half of it! “Yeah, it isn't easy. But I think it's pretty likely that we won't be together after Christmas.” I set down my soda and looked at Mom, wondering if she'd really understand. Now, I don't want to sound as if I'm spiritually superior or anything (because I know that's ridiculous), but sometimes it seems like my parents aren't quite as committed or sold out to God as I am. I mean, they still question my goal of serving God full-time with whatever career choice I make. I suspect they think I'm going through a stage or something. So I wasn't sure if Mom would really get what I was about to say. But I decided to try it anyway. “You see, I can't help but think God had a reason for putting me in that room with Liz. As hard and cold as she is, I think she's really looking for answers. And it seems like she has a real problem with church or Christians or religion, and that's probably why she takes it out on me–”

“Takes what out on you?” Mom looked concerned.

I laughed. “Oh, Mom, it's not like she beats me up or
anything. She's just extremely antagonistic toward God. And she has a pretty sharp tongue too.” Naturally I didn't mention how Liz might occasionally make an unsaved rapper uncomfortable with her trashed-out vocabulary. “But despite all that, I believe God is working on her. And I think He still wants to use me to …”

“To what?”

I shrugged. “I don't exactly know. Believe me, I realize I can't save her. And I know I'm not an evangelist. But somehow I think all the stuff I've gone through with her this fall is for a purpose. At least I hope it is.”

Mom just shook her head.

“And if it makes you feel any better, I've really been praying that God will show me what to do.”

Then Mom smiled and patted me on the arm. “I'm sure He will, honey. And even though I do worry about you with that strange girl, I'm still proud of you for handling everything in such a mature way.”

Those words meant a lot to me. I know my parents and I still don't see eye to eye about everything. But it's nice to know they respect what I'm doing. I just hope I don't let them down.

Today I hung with Beanie and Jenny (Anna was out of town at an aunt's house), and we had a really good time. Thankfully, Jenny and Beanie have resolved their differences over Danny without any bloodshed or permanent
disrepair. Apparently,
Danny the drummer
(they hate when I call him that, but I think it's rather cute) is happy to make their friendship a trio. And all have agreed not to get serious, although I suspect Jenny may still have feelings for him. But then that's what happens when you nurture a crush for an extended period of time. It's an open invitation for heartbreak if you ask me (of course, no one's asking, thank you very much).

Once again I must remind myself of this regarding my own feelings for Josh because despite my image of having it so together (or so my friends think) over this whole “nondating” thing, I realize that it's still quite possible to have my heart involved whether I'm dating or not. And I'm getting the strong sense that I need to guard my heart more carefully.

Especially after tonight. Okay, just relax now, it's not like Josh and I sneaked out and had a passionate kissing scene again. Thank goodness. What happened is that the youth group in Tony's church was having a little hoedown tonight, and they invited all of us “old-timers” to come. Actually it was a square dance, and you were supposed to come dressed up like someone from out of the Old West. Corny, I know, but fun just the same.

Anyway, I borrowed some stuff from Steph (she used to be into what she calls cowboy dancing–now talk about corny!), but thanks to her I was able to pull together a pretty cute cowgirl outfit, complete with boots and a hat! Jenny and Beanie picked me up. Beanie
looked like a farmer in her bib overalls and a red bandanna tied around her neck. And Jenny had on a hilarious pink satin getup that she'd scrounged from her mom.

“She says it's from her urban cowgirl phase,” explained Jenny with good humor. “I think she actually wore it during the early eighties.”

We three arrived in high spirits and jumped right into the action. You really don't have to know a whole lot to be able to square dance since the caller pretty much tells you what to do. And half the fun is bumbling along and making a complete fool of yourself anyway. Mostly it was great to see old friends and act silly and laugh. It's occurred to me this weekend how I don't laugh nearly as much as I used to since I started college. This is something I'm hoping will change!

Naturally Chloe was there, since she's pretty involved in church these days. And she was even decked out in a pair of old-fashioned blue jeans that came all the way to the waist and were cinched in with a Western-style belt.

“Pretty hot,” I told her with a wink. “Is this your new look?”

“Yeah, you bet.” She arched an eyebrow and grinned. “Although I'm sure my parents are hoping …”

“Hey there,” Josh said, grabbing my arm. “You ready to do-si-do with me?”

I laughed and went out with him just in time to do the Virginia reel. (A dance I still remember from my middle-school years when I was too shy to even look into my partner's
face.) But tonight I looked right into Josh's blue eyes and danced and laughed and really enjoyed myself. When the dance ended, Josh bowed and tipped his cowboy hat, then moseyed on over to Beanie for the next number.

Now, everyone was pretty much dancing with everyone. And since there were more girls than guys, we girls even took turns taking the guys' parts. But I kept hoping that Josh would seek me out for another dance. I tried not to look too obvious as I glanced across the room to see who he was dancing with–sometimes Jenny or Beanie or Andrea or even Chloe. And I couldn't help but notice that he danced with some of them (like Jenny) more than just once. But by the time the evening ended, he had only danced that one single dance with me. And the embarrassing truth is I was feeling slightly irritated and hurt. But at the same time, I kept telling myself that it was senseless and stupid. Why should he feel the need to dance with me at all? And why should I feel so upset that he didn't?

Well, as I'm sitting in my old room writing this, it all feels painfully clear to me. Despite my big talk about remaining “romantically uninvolved,” I've let my heart go its own way again, and I need to do something about it. I'm just not sure what that is yet, but I'll pray about it, and hopefully God will show me.

But what's really humbling about this whole thing is that I had planned to have that little talk with Bryce tomorrow. Somehow we never got around to it on
Wednesday. I'm sure it's because I realized I'd need to be riding back to college with him on Sunday and I didn't want to make him (or me) dread the long drive with stilted conversation and uncomfortable silences. Anyway, now I'm feeling just slightly hypocritical. But I'll still try to deal with it–as best I can. Oh, brother. When will I ever learn?

The ride home with Bryce went amazingly well. I waited until we were about halfway to school, and then decided to be completely up front with him.

“I want to tell you something, Bryce,” I began, struggling to come up with the right words.

He glanced at me. “Sure, what?”

I could tell by his expression that he was afraid I was going to tell him he had bad breath or something. “Well, it might sound kind of silly, and you may not even care anyway, but it's something I just need to say and get out into the open. Okay?”

He nodded with a puzzled look. “Okay.”

“In my junior year in high school, not too long after I accepted the Lord, I made a commitment to God. And some people think it's kind of silly–that's probably why I try not to talk about it too much–but the thing is, I decided to quit dating.” Now I couldn't quite read his expression. Maybe it was relief mixed with humor. I'm not totally sure.

“You mean like that book, I kissed Dating Goodbye?”

“Yeah, sort of. Only it was my own commitment. I made it without reading any book or anything. Just between me and God, y'know?”

He nodded. “Interesting. So does that mean you'll never go out with a guy again–ever?”

I laughed. “I'm not totally sure about the timing. I expect things will change when I'm at an age or a place in life to seriously consider marriage. But until then, I want to avoid getting involved like that.”

Then he asked me a lot of questions, and we talked really openly about the whole thing. I told him that I still valued his friendship and hoped this wouldn't change anything.

“It's like my friendships with guys become even more important than when dating was a factor. Maybe it's because there's no pressure there. You just get to enjoy each other's company without always worrying about what comes next.”

“Yeah, that sounds cool to me too.”

We talked some more, and by the time we reached the city limits, he was saying how that would've been
the best thing for him to have done in his relationship with Amy.

“Do you think you'll still be friends with her?” I asked as we pulled onto campus.

“She's already got a new boyfriend.” His face looked a little sad.

“Does that hurt?”

He sighed. “Yeah, it does. But I still think that breaking up was for the best.”

Then we were in front of my dorm. “I'm glad I could tell you about this.” I felt slightly embarrassed. “I mean, it's not like I thought you were dying to ask me out or anything, but it's easier if I just lay my cards on the table.”

“Hey, don't kid yourself. I
did
plan on asking you out. In fact, I would've asked you out today if you hadn't told me about your–your nondating thing.”

“So do you think it's silly?”

“Not at all. I think I'll give the whole thing some serious thought myself. I've never been that comfortable with the whole dating thing in the first place. I'm sure that's one reason it was so easy to stay with Amy–all that distance between us just made it easier to deal with. Plus it alleviated the need for me to find someone to date here on campus, like I had an excuse, you know?”

I nodded. I still hadn't told him anything about Josh. Somehow I couldn't see how that would help anything right now. Besides, I still don't totally understand that whole thing myself.

“Thanks for the ride.”

He smiled brightly. “Thank you–especially for telling me about the dating thing. It's something to think about.”

Now I'm back in my dorm room, and Liz isn't here. For some reason I get the impression she's been gone for a while. Hopefully to her parents'. For now I'll just enjoy the quiet and solitude as I start boning up for the end of the term and finals (just two weeks out now!).

Okay, I'm worried. I haven't seen Liz since last Wednesday. At first when she wasn't here on Sunday night, I thought maybe she just decided to spend an extra day at home. But when she hadn't shown up last night, I started to wonder. Now it's after eight tonight and she's still not here. I know how she says we're not supposed to “take care” of each other and everything, but I can't help but feel slightly concerned. What if something happened to her? Right now I'm torn–do I dare snoop around in her things, see if I can find any phone numbers (like her parents' home), or do I just chill and mind my own business. GOD, PLEASE SHOW ME WHAT TO DO.