On My Own (18 page)

“No. I don't think so. It's just that it's taken me so much by surprise. I don't know how to act.”

“Just act like yourself. And don't worry; I don't expect a thing from you. Really. I don't even want to kiss you good night.”

“You don't?”

“Well, I guess I said that wrong. Of course, I'd
love
to kiss you. But I know that it's not the right thing to do right now.”

Somehow hearing him say that was something of a relief. But still, as I sit here and write all this down, I feel confused and shocked and happy and sad and thrilled and worried and so many other emotions I can't even begin to understand it all. I haven't said a word of this to my parents yet. First, I want to really pray about the whole thing. I want to know what God thinks about this. More than anything I really want
His
will. And so I'm hitting my knees right now.

It's been three long day's
since Josh's “proposal”–I can't think of what else to call it, although proposal seems a bit overstated. The first day, I kept mostly to myself. I took a walk in the park and really prayed that God would show me His will. And I have to admit that part of me was really excited about the whole thing. I wanted to run over to Beanie and Jenny and show them my ring and hear them squeal and get excited. (At least that's how I thought they would react.) But I controlled myself and spent most of the day alone with God and my Bible. By the afternoon, I felt just as confused as I had before.

But then I read a verse in Proverbs (actually I'm sure God showed it to me because it literally popped off the page). Anyway, it's the verse about how you can find wisdom with “many advisers.” So, I decided it was time to
ask for advice. Since I still consider Tony to be my pastor, I called him but got Steph instead (also a good counselor). I told her I had a problem that I wanted some help with, and she invited me over for dinner that night.

Just as we were finishing dinner, I explained what had happened with Josh a couple nights ago.

“That Josh is such a considerate young man,” said Steph as she wiped Oliver's face and excused him from the table. “I've never heard of a covenant exactly like that, but it sounds like a nice idea.”

Tony was holding baby Clay and finishing up his last bite of lasagna. “I'm not so sure,”. he said as he laid down his fork.

“What do you mean?” asked Steph.

“Well, I don't really see any difference with what Josh is proposing and an official engagement.”

“The way he explained it was that it's supposed to be similar to how it was done in Bible times. The man would make an agreement with the woman's family that they would marry later on–sometimes many years later like with Jacob and Rachel.”

“Yeah, I can see that,” said Tony. “It's just that I would call that agreement or contract or whatever the same as an engagement.”

I considered that. “Well, I suppose it sort of is.”

“So why not call a spade a spade?” Tony shifted the baby and leaned back into his chair. “I don't mean to pick on Josh; you know I think he's a fine young man. But I don't quite understand this.”

“He's in love,” said Steph, still caught in the romance. “But he knows they're too young to get married yet.”

“Are you in love with him?” asked Tony, eyeing me closely.

I felt my cheeks growing warm. “Yeah, I think I have been for a long time.”

“So then what's really the problem here?” I could feel Tony still studying me.

“I'm not sure. On one hand, I think it's wonderful. But on the other, I feel–I don't know–hesitant, I suppose.”

“Well, it's probably because you are so young,” said Steph. “You're probably just overwhelmed.”

I nodded. “I think that's a big part of it. It's like too much too soon.”

“Just tell Josh how you feel.” Tony smiled. “He should understand.”

“Then am I saying no to him?”

Steph frowned. “He might feel like you are. Do you want to say no?”

“I don't know.” I put my hands on my face and groaned. “That's the problem; I just don't know.”

“And you've been praying about it?”

“Yeah. But I still feel confused.”

“Well, you know what they say,” said Tony lightly. “When in doubt, don't.”

“Oh, Tony.” Steph scowled. “You make it sound so easy. What if you were in Caitlin's shoes? What if you loved someone but just weren't sure?”

He laughed. “That doesn't work for me, honey. When I
fell in love with you, I didn't have the slightest doubt that you were the one for me.”

Steph smiled. “You old romantic.”

“Maybe I should leave,” I said, suddenly feeling like the fifth wheel.

“No, no,” said Steph as she began to clear the table. “I feel as if we haven't really been much help to you.”

I helped her clear and Tony followed us into the kitchen. “Caitlin,” he began. “You are a wise young woman, and I know you have a heart to follow and obey God. And you're doing the right thing to ask for advice, but I have a feeling God is already leading you–in your heart. You just need to be willing to really listen and obey.”

“I am.”

He nodded. “I know you are.”

“Does that mean I shouldn't ask for any more advice?”

“No, you're absolutely right to ask for advice. Proverbs 11:14 spells it out pretty plainly–it is good to seek out counsel from a number of people who you love and trust.”

“Have you talked to your parents yet?” asked Steph.

“No, you guys are the first.”

So later that night I talked to my folks. At first they were all kind of shocked and upset. “You're too young to be thinking about marriage,” said my dad.

“Josh is a nice boy,” said my mom. “But do you really want to tie yourself to just one guy?”

“You're only eighteen,” said my dad, like I might've forgotten my age. “You both need to finish college–”

“I know,” I said in a somewhat irritated voice. “We're not talking about getting married–”

“Then why this–this engagement?” asked my dad.

“It's not an engagement.”

“Call it what you want, but it sounds like an engagement to me.” Dad frowned. “And if Josh is so set to follow biblical examples, why hasn't he come and talked to me? I think this was something that fathers decided.”

“Yeah, Josh mentioned that. And he plans to. He just wanted to see how I reacted first.”

“That sounds sensible.” My mom smiled. “Really, honey, it's your decision as to whether you feel it's right to become engaged or not. Whatever you decide, you know that we'll support you 100 percent.”

My dad made a harrumph noise.

“Dad, you seem pretty upset by this.”

“I'm sorry.” He softened. “It's just that you're so young, Catie. You're my little girl.”

I laughed. “I'll always be your little girl, Daddy. That's just the way it is, right?”

He nodded sadly. “Yeah, but I guess I'm just not ready to share you yet.”

“Well, I'm not ready to run off and get married yet.”

“Are you ready to be engaged?” he asked. “Is it what you really want?”

“I'm not sure. Most of all I want to do what God wants.”

He smiled. “I'm sure you'll do the right thing. Like your
mom said, we trust you. You're a good girl, and you haven't let us down yet. Whatever you decide, I'll try to be happy for you. It might take a little time and adjusting on my part–but in time I'll be happy.”

The next day I went to the Christmas Eve service at church and naturally saw Josh. “So?” he said expectantly after the service ended.

I smiled. “Can you be patient with me? I'm still thinking about the whole thing–it's really a big decision, you know. Next to becoming a Christian this will be the biggest decision of my life.”

“I'm glad you're taking it seriously, Cate.” He nodded. “It's one of the many things I really love about you.”

Then he asked me to go to lunch with him, but I had to tell him no since I'd already made plans to spend the afternoon with Beanie and Jenny. I planned to break the news to them and see what they thought. Okay, I realized they might not be the oldest and wisest of counselors, but I believe they love me and will tell me what they really think. As it turns out, they did.

“Josh did what?” exclaimed Beanie after I briefly told them the story over tacos.

“You're kidding!” cried Jenny. “I can't believe it! You guys are going to be the first ones to actually tie the knot.”

“I haven't agreed to anything yet.”

“Good thing,” said Beanie. “It sounds crazy.”

“But you were just talking about how marriage was sometimes okay–”

“Oh, I was just talking.” Beanie shook her head. “I wasn't serious. You're way too young, Caitlin. We're all too young. Good grief!”

“Well, we weren't actually planning on getting married.” I sighed. “I don't know why no one seems to get this. It's just an agreement that we'll become engaged.”

“Sounds more like an engagement to me,” said Jenny. “And for the record, I think it's cool.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, why not?”

“Would you do it?”

Jenny laughed. “With Josh you mean?”

I felt my face redden as I suddenly remembered that she and Josh were once an item, just a couple of years ago. “No, not with Josh, silly!”

“Well, if I really loved the guy and felt he was the right one. Sure, why wouldn't I?”

“I don't know. But for some reason I'm still not totally sure.”

“That's because it's a
bad
idea,” said Beanie, shaking her finger at me. “A very bad idea.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“I just feel it in my bones.”

Now I laughed. “And what does that mean? Have you suddenly become the village wise woman, and you just feel these things in your bones?”

She smirked at me. “No, but for some reason it doesn't feel right.”

“You're just jealous,” chided Jenny.

“Jealous?” Beanie glared at her. “Jealous of what?”

Jenny raised her brows. “I don't know. Maybe you're feeling possessive of Caitlin–maybe you don't like the idea of her growing up and getting married. Maybe you're afraid she'll leave poor Beanie Baby behind.”

Beanie punched her in the arm.

“Ouch!” complained Jenny. “Lighten up, Beanie, I'm just kidding.”

“Come on, you guys. I didn't tell you this so we could all get in a big fight. I was just looking for some advice.”

Jenny held her thumb up. “I say, if you really love him, then go for it.”

But Beanie held her thumb down. “I say it's too soon.”

And so now I'm feeling about as confused as I was to start with. Beanie's advice sounds a little flaky after she was just acting all sweet and starry–eyed about Zach and the idea of getting married young. I mean, here Josh and I aren't even talking about marriage or even an official engagement, and Beanie gives me a thumb's down. On the other hand, Tony didn't seem so enthused about the whole thing either. And my dad sure wasn't. Still, everyone (except for Beanie!) pretty much agreed that it was my decision. So I guess I'm right back where I started. It's still between me and God.

Well, life has been
a whirlwind of activity lately. What with all the preparations for Christmas and then the actual celebrations, including taking the part of an angel in the church's living nativity when Andrea LeMarsh got the flu, I've neglected my diary. But here's what happened.

After the Christmas Eve candlelight service at church, I told Josh that I wanted to enter into this covenant with him. I explained that it was a hard decision and that I still felt a little strange about it (because it feels like we're awfully young), but that if he was willing to wait three or four years (or maybe even more), then I was willing to do the same. Well, he was elated. He threw his arms around me and was almost (I think) about to kiss me, when he stopped himself.

“Now I promised you we wouldn't get physical or kiss or
anything and I intend to keep that promise, Caitlin. Are you okay with that?”

“Sure.” I smiled. And so we shook hands. We told my parents that night (when he brought me home), and although they seemed a little surprised, they both handled it well. Then the next evening he took me over to his parents. But I was pretty worried on the way over there.

“Are they going to be okay with this?” I asked.

“I've been preparing them for it. But they don't quite get it. My dad thinks we're just making a big deal about going steady.”

I laughed nervously.

“And my mom is concerned that we're tying ourselves down unnecessarily. I think those were her exact words.”

“How about Chloe? I haven't had a chance to talk to her.”

“Chloe's totally cool with it. She told me she always wished that it would happen. And she doesn't even think we're too young.”

I laughed. “Well, that coming from a fifteen–year–old.”

“A mature fifteen–year–old.”

“Yeah, you're right.”

And so we had coffee and dessert with Josh's parents. Everyone acted nice and civilized and everything, but I couldn't help but get the feeling that they thought Josh and I were just playacting at being grownups or something. Still, I tried not to think about it too much.

And then tonight Josh took me out to dinner again at the same restaurant. It was actually really romantic (although we're still not kissing or anything), just being together and talking about what our futures might be. I told him how I still really want to do something for the orphans in Mexico–but not only for them, but perhaps for kids all over the world. I told him about kim and her plans to be a social worker.