Not Yet (9 page)

“Land.” I looked into his eyes and melted. There was
a look of thrilled agony there. He was as excited as I was. And I
was very, very excited. My body pulsed from the friction of rubbing
against him. I took a steadying breath.

“I know. You have to go. I’ll walk you.” He gave me a
short kiss, and I put on shorts and locked the office as we headed
to our cars. I put my bags in the trunk and turned to see Landon,
bare chested, swimsuit hanging low on one side—just enough to show
both the tan line that ran across his hipbone and the start of that
sexy V that only guys with the most ripped muscles
possessed—leaning against his sexy as hell truck. Was there a
hotter sight?

Wrapping my arms around his waist, I kissed his
collarbone and he grunted. “See you tomorrow.”

Landon effortlessly lifted me up to him so we were
face to face. “Short stuff, you’re killing me, here. You are so
beautiful, so sexy, and… always leaving me.”

I laughed and kissed him again before driving away.
How long had it been since I flirted? Since I shamelessly made out
with a guy? Landon was just so incredibly fun, and, yet, also
turning out to be a really good guy. I wanted him in a way that
scared me. Landon had managed to work his way into my head and his
touch caused my body to vibrate with excitement. I had never ached
for a guy before. It was frustrating and exhilarating at the same
time.

My mom was still home when I arrived. “You’re looking
pretty smiley these days, Emma. You trying something—or
someone—new?” She winked as she filled her water bottle.

“I am, Mom. The guy you met—he’s pretty great.”

“Evie told me lots about Landon.”

I looked over at Evie, eating cookies and milk, and
she looked down with a smirk—part guilty, part proud.

“Did she now?” I grabbed one of Evie’s cookies and
filled my mom in on Landon Washington.

“So, nineteen isn’t bad. He’s younger than you, but
in the real world, two years is nothing. The hard part is that he
will be heading back to college in the fall. Are you okay with
that?”

“Mom, this isn’t serious. I want to enjoy this
summer. I’m forcing myself to loosen up and live a little. I’m
trying to stop controlling everything, since that hasn’t exactly
worked for me so far.”

My mom’s expression quickly changed. “I’m so sorry,
Emma,” she murmured softly, as she hugged me, trying to hide the
devastation on her face. She blamed herself for not getting a
better paying job and even for my Dad leaving. There was no reason
for her to feel guilty, though. She was dealt the same shit hand of
cards that I was. At least we were playing the game together, win
or lose.

“Mom, I’m where I want to be. I love being with you
and Evie. I just also want a hot summer guy to flirt with.” I
teased her, hoping to change the topic and keep the expression of
raw pain off her face.

“Lotta smoochin, Emma!” Evie yelled from the table
and we all laughed.

“That’s the plan big sister.” I rumpled her hair and
left for a much needed cool off in the shower.

And if he happens to also be a lot of fun and do
amazing things to your libido—consider yourself blessed.

***

THE NEXT DAY Landon joined me for my lesson with
Trevor. He introduced himself and watched me talk to Trevor about
the cool water and how good it felt on your warm body on a hot day.
Landon asked Trevor if he wanted to watch him jump in and make a
big splash and Trevor nodded vigorously. Twenty cannon balls later,
Trevor was soaking wet from Landon’s huge splashes, and, smiling
uncontrollably, he agreed to hang onto me in the pool. Trevor was
beginning to have fun in the water, and we were making real
progress.

Later that day, Landon sat by the pool with Trevor.
Trevor had let Landon listen to his headphones, and Landon was
bopping along to the music, not caring at all about how he
appeared. The joy on Trevor’s face was contagious, and my feelings
for Landon grew. This guy was truly wonderful. Could this be more
than just a hot summer fling?

I had told my mom, and, hell, I told myself that this
was just for fun. But was I being honest? Landon was quickly
becoming more than just a friend and way more than just a hook up.
He was someone I cared about and watching him with Trevor and Evie
caused a rush of feelings inside me that I couldn’t figure out. I
liked to be in control. I liked to have a handle on my emotions.
Now, it felt like everything was spinning. My head, my heart, my
body—were all spinning out of control because of him.

Landon arrived at my house that night after work. He
kissed me on the cheek and then grinned at me, casually placing his
hands in his front pockets. He looked completely relaxed and at the
same time exuded a confidence that only came from understanding
exactly what he wanted from the night—and from life.

My strapless cotton sundress wasn’t fancy, but it was
a definite step up from our pool attire. I smoothed the front of my
dress, nervously, and tried not to attack my guest. What was
someone that freaking amazing doing with me? In my apartment? I
needed to get myself together. Immediately—if not sooner.

Evie met us in the living room in a long, pink,
ruffled dress. She had quite a bit of make up on and probably every
piece of jewelry she owned.
Damn
. I should have checked on
her while she got ready. I continued to struggle with allowing Evie
the autonomy she wanted so badly and my need to shield her from
people’s cruel comments and stares. Too late this time. We were
ignoring my “less is more” speech tonight.

“Evie. You look gorgeous! Garrett is one lucky man!”
Landon kissed Evie on the cheek and her eyes widened.

“You do look great, sis. The belle of the ball! Let’s
head out to get your man.” I insisted on driving because, with
their mobility issues, neither my sister nor Garrett could easily
climb into Landon’s huge truck. We arrived at Garrett’s apartment
only to see him waiting, pacing, on the front step. Like Evie,
Garrett was short and on the heavier side. He sported a buzz cut
and had gentle blue eyes. He was also kind, polite, and crazy about
my sister.

He ran to the car, corsage in hand. Evie jumped out
of the back seat, squealing with joy as they embraced. Landon
looked at me and squeezed my hand. He was starting to get it. It
was unquestionably endearing to see two people who loved each other
despite their many challenges.

When I really thought about it, though, didn’t all
couples have to struggle with personal challenges to make a
relationship work? Garrett and Evie just had different issues to
overcome. But not so different than anyone else, and I wanted to
support them in any way I could.

Evie waited patiently while Garrett walked around the
circumference of the car twice before climbing in. This was one of
Garrett’s quirks—kind of like OCD. Whenever he came into a room, or
even before he got into a vehicle, he had a ritual where he had to
walk around the area two times before he could go forward. Never
three times, never once. Just something he needed to do. I looked
over at Landon, waiting to see a smirk or a laugh, but, instead, he
watched Garrett without comment. We dropped them off at the dance,
being instructed by the happy couple to not come in and embarrass
them, and we promised to pick them up again in two hours.

“We don’t have enough time for a movie. Are you okay
hanging at my house?” Nerves raced through me at the thought of
being alone at home with Landon for the first time. I was petrified
that I wouldn’t be able to stop with him once we started touching
each other. My pent up sexual tension might turn me into an all-out
fiend. I was already bordering on a dependency issue from his
kisses alone.

He wasn’t the first guy I’d made out with, but it had
been awhile. I never dated at all in high school. My school was
fairly big—there were about 500 guys. All they cared about was
sports, beer, and nailing girls. As many as possible. They thought
I was a loser, and I thought they were asswipes. It was a mutual
non-admiration society.

I dated one guy in college. Jeremy Porter. He was
simple and an all-around nice guy, but as soon as I got the call
from my mom at the end of sophomore year, I had to end things with
him. He quickly joined a fraternity, started dating skanks, and
began pointedly ignoring me around campus.

My track record was noticeably unimpressive, so I was
feeling anxious.

“Hell yeah, short stuff! Alone with you at last.” He
winked and rested his large hand on my thigh as I drove the short
distance home. My pulse quickened at the contact. I quietly blew
out a breath of air, attempting to steady my nerves, and tried to
stop thinking about what I wanted him to do with that hand.

“You know, Garrett reminds me of a neighbor of mine
growing up.” Landon was looking out his window as he quietly spoke.
I turned down the radio as he continued. “I haven’t thought about
him in years. He didn’t have Downs, I know that, but I think we
used to call him mentally challenged?”

“Yeah, that’s an older term. Now we would say he has
intellectual disabilities. Tell me about him…” I loved it when
Landon opened up to me. He was often quiet about his past, so I was
immediately curious.

“His name’s Kevin. He was a really big guy. Strong
and loud, too. He was probably fifteen or sixteen years old when I
was about eight.” Landon continued to look out the window, avoiding
eye contact.

“I bet he was intimidating to be around at that young
of an age.”

Landon whipped his head around at my comment, his
rigid shoulders sagging. “Yeah. He was. Thanks for saying that. I
remember being scared of him and all he wanted to do was play with
me and my buddies. We thought he might hurt us, so we always ran
from him. I even told my parents about it, and my dad called the
neighbor and asked him to keep Kevin away.” Landon’s eyes dropped
from mine again as he looked down, disturbed. “I feel horrible
about that.”

“Land, you were a kid. How would you know any better?
That was pretty crappy of your dad, but if he never knew anyone
with disabilities, I can understand that he didn’t know how to act
either. Do you know how many of my friends were scared of
Evie?”

“That doesn’t make it right, Em.”

I grabbed his hand with my free one and clasped it
tightly. “No, it doesn’t. But just this conversation—right
here—this is a great start. You realizing, maybe Kevin wasn’t going
to hurt you, will make you have a different response one day when
your kids meet someone unique. It’s a start and that’s a whole lot
better than doing nothing.”

Landon watched me as I pulled into my apartment
parking lot. I turned off the engine and faced him. His look was
raw with emotion as I pulled his face close to mine and pressed my
lips to his. We moved away, breathless, and smiled at one another.
Opening our car doors, we ran into the building.

As soon as we came through the door of my second
floor apartment, Landon had me pressed against the living room
wall. “Em. I’ve never wanted a girl so bad before. You’re all I
think about...” He whispered in my ear as he ran his hands down the
length of my body. I swallowed, noisily, and placed my hands on his
hard chest.

I looked into his eyes and the passion in them—pure
need, pure desire—took my breath away. He leaned down and pressed
his soft lips against mine. I opened my mouth and our tongues met.
Our kiss quickly became frenzied as Landon scooped me up and
carried me to the couch.

I pulled his T-shirt off and ran my hands over his
washboard stomach muscles. His eyes flared as I raked my nails over
his chest. Leaning over, I kissed each of his nipples and his body
tensed, his hands pulled at the couch, grasping for control.

Sitting back, I pulled my dress down and unclasped my
strapless bra. Landon groaned as he reached to cup each full
breast. I couldn’t believe I had actually initiated this next step.
When I was with Jeremy, I let him take the lead physically. Not
that he held a candle to what Landon could do to me with just a
kiss, but I had never been interested in moving faster with him. We
slowly progressed in our sexual relationship. Now I knew it was
because the spark was never really there. That feeling that if I
didn’t keep going—well, I might just implode.