Not Yet (6 page)

Landon followed me into the living room. “Listen.
Thank you for the flowers, but you need to go. You don’t know Evie
and it feels weird having you here.”

“I want to get to know you and Evie. Please, let me
stay.” Landon put his hands on my arms and squeezed my biceps
gently.

“Have you ever met anyone with Down syndrome before?”
I narrowed my eyes at him, protection for my sister emanating from
me.

“Yes, five minutes ago. And I’d like to continue my
conversation. I like you, Emma, and I want to get to know your
sister too.”

I leaned close to his ear so I could be sure Evie
wouldn’t hear me. “Part of her disability involves an enlarged
tongue. I’m sure you’ve noticed she slurs her words when she
speaks. It can also be difficult for her to eat. I have had friends
who were pretty grossed out…”

Landon pulled back so I could see his scowl. “Don’t
insult me. I want to eat dinner with you and Evie. Besides, now
that I’ve seen the menu, I’ve got to have some of that spaghetti. I
won’t be able to get it off my mind.”

Landon grabbed my hand and playfully pulled me into
the kitchen. I acted annoyed at his commanding gesture, but I
really wasn’t. He was respectful, funny, and a gentleman around
both me and my sister. He ate dinner next to Evie, never once
acting uncomfortable or bothered. I was impressed.

After dinner, he helped me do the dishes, while Evie
retreated to her room to watch reruns of
Good Luck
Charlie
—her all-time favorite sitcom. After the last pot was
put away, we sat on the living room sofa. “All right, Em. Spill it.
What’s your story? I’m hooked and now I have to hear it.”

I smiled and pulled my legs under me. Hiding my
feelings was my natural reaction, but there was something about
Landon coming to my home and meeting my sister. I inherently
trusted him, even though it went against everything I knew to do
so. Perhaps it was the genuine interest and caring he showed both
of us. It could have been the way he turned to look at me, giving
me his full attention, brown eyes searching mine. Whatever it was,
I wanted to tell him.

“Same shit you’ve heard before. Dad left when Evie
was little and mom was pregnant with me. He didn’t want to risk
having two kids with problems. Mom struggled with money. I had to
leave college early to help with the bills. Only, I couldn’t get a
job after graduating, so I was stuck working at a country club pool
managing a bunch of teens. Same old, same old.”

Landon shook his head and pulled my chin up to look
at him. “Nope, not the same old story. Most people wouldn’t be
strong enough, smart enough, or unselfish enough to leave college
early for their family. You’re a great person, Em.” He looked at
me, and I felt the shift. Everything changed in those few seconds.
I wasn’t annoyed, or bitter, or ice-cold. My walls, just for that
moment, came down. I wanted him to kiss me and he wanted to kiss
me. So of course, my mom walked in.

“Mom!” I jumped up nervously as she smiled warmly at
Landon. My mom looked a lot like me, with caramel colored hair, now
cut short, and green eyes. She was thin and looked beaten down by
the world, but her smile would light up her whole face. She looked
at Landon and me with delight and walked over to meet my new
friend.

Landon calmly stood and shook hands with my mom,
introducing himself. “My name is Landon Washington. I work with
Emma. I was just leaving, Ms. Harris. It was so nice to meet you
and your beautiful daughters.”

“It’s very nice to meet you too, Landon. Emma doesn’t
invite many friends over here.” She beamed at me and I grunted,
causing Landon to chuckle quietly. My mom knew quite well I never
initiated Landon’s visit. I never initiated anyone’s visit. Hostess
with the mostess, I was not.

I walked Landon to the door, and was startled when he
enveloped me in a hug. He was so big and strong; I almost melted
into his arms. It was a safe, comforting feeling that I had never
known from a male. I could have stayed in that embrace for
years.

“Thank you, Em. Thanks for tonight.” I could only nod
as I watched Landon head to his truck and drive off.

***

THE FOLLOWING TUESDAY was cloudy and overcast
all day. A thick, grey, misty haze had settled all around the club
grounds. There wasn’t a soul at the pool. The wind began to howl,
thunder rumbled in, and lightning flashed in the distance. I let
the guards go home for the day. I was working on the schedule when
Landon came in from the restroom. He had changed into shorts and a
T-shirt. His tattoos peeked out from under his shirt, and he again
wore his baseball cap backwards.
Damn
.

“Have you put me on the schedule yet?” He leaned over
me to watch me work.

“Nope, any requests?” I looked up at him and he
grinned in his cocky way.

“Just one. Put me on with you. Always. Okay?”

I smiled to myself and nodded. Landon and I had
started hanging out together every day since he visited my
apartment and met Evie. During breaks from work, he asked me all
about my sister, wanting to learn more about the syndrome she was
born with, and what it was like for me growing up.

No one had ever asked me what it was like, as the
younger sibling of someone with disabilities. It was hard for me to
explain. Evie was my heart, right there, walking around for
everyone to see and examine as they wished. She was my sister and
my friend, but she was also like my child even though she was
technically older than me. I worried about her all the time and
wanted to protect her from anything and anyone that could hurt
her.

But as a gawky, nerdy, teenager—it was tough to be
watched so much in public. Young kids would often point to Evie or
ask their parents what was wrong with her. A few times,
particularly when cute boys were around, I felt embarrassed by the
unwanted attention. But I quickly became angry at myself for
feeling that way, and I got pissed at the stares and comments.

I decided then that I needed to be a bitch to people
first, before they got a chance to hurt my family. I would look the
person up and down in disgust, hoping to make them feel
uncomfortable before they could make us feel that way. I had never
shared those thoughts, those scars, with anyone before Landon. It
felt freeing to open up and admit them, but it was surprising to me
that he cared and wanted to hear about this aspect of my life.

And he really seemed to enjoy the long conversations.
He asked many questions about my mom, the absence of my Dad, and
what my life was like in high school. He was trying to get to know
the real me, and most surprising of all—I was letting him.

Landon moved to the couch and waited for me to finish
the next week’s schedule. The sky opened up and it poured buckets
of water. Lightning and thunder crashed all around us. We weren’t
leaving here for a while.

I sat next to Landon on the couch and he looked at me
curiously. “Short stuff… will you be bad with me?”

My stomach flipped at his words and my heart began to
beat faster. I narrowed my eyes at him with suspicion, “What did
you have in mind?”

Landon pulled out a small cooler from behind the
couch. “The forecast called for heavy storms, so I prepared in case
we were stuck here for a while… Let’s have a beer and relax.”

I looked around nervously. This could get me fired if
we were caught, but there was no way anyone was coming to look for
us in this storm. Landon was right. I needed to stop being so
uptight. I wanted to act my age and prove Ashley wrong—I could be a
fun girl. And now I was starting to realize I really wanted to have
that fun with Landon.

“Well, what are you waiting for, Hoosier? Pass one
over here.” Landon looked taken aback but thrilled, as he handed me
a beer and we toasted. “To living a little,” I whispered shyly and
then sipped the bottled beer. It wasn’t the usual cheap college
stuff. The beer was rich and almost floral in its taste.

“Yum. What is this?” I took another long drink as
Landon nodded in agreement.

“My cousin and some friends started their own craft
brewery in town. It’s Flat 12. Amazing local stuff.” Landon gave me
a thoughtful grin as he drank more of his beer. “Did you want to
come back here after college?”

I shrugged and took another long drink. God, it felt
good to drink and relax again. “Actually, I was planning on
applying to graduate schools in California.”

“Wow! Why California?”

“Why not?” Landon’s loud laugh filled my ears and I
couldn’t help but chuckle along with him. “I’ve lived my whole life
in Indiana. Don’t get me wrong, I love it here, but it’s pretty
flat and, well, boring. No mountains, no shoreline. Anyway, I’ve
always wanted to spend time on each of the coasts. So, I did
undergrad at UVA and then… oh well. Maybe someday.”

I had shared a lot of my past with Landon over the
past week. I was trying hard to not dive too deep into my personal
sadness—depression, really—over the move back home. It wasn’t a
pleasant story and it wouldn’t be entertaining for anyone.

I couldn’t tell him about how thrilled I was to
graduate high school and head to the East Coast for college. It was
a fresh start; somewhere I wasn’t known for my family and their
hardships. I pretended to be a normal girl, with no stresses or
worries back home, living a carefree college life. But, of course,
I was just pretending. I knew all along that my freedom wouldn’t
last. I could act my face off, but I couldn’t hide. My reality—my
life—was always there.

And then my mom had called. She couldn’t pay the
bills alone anymore and Evie needed constant support. Her doctors
said early onset Alzheimer’s was on the horizon, a very typical
diagnosis for individuals with Downs. She felt horrible about it,
but she needed me to talk to my advisors to see if I could graduate
early. I had a bunch of Advanced Placement credits from high
school, so my original plan was to start working toward a Master’s
in History as soon as possible. I wanted to go to graduate school
in California and hopefully end up as a college professor. That was
my hope, but when had my life ever gone the way I hoped it would?
There were my buddies—
Bitter & Boring
—rearing their ugly
heads again.

I was devastated that my dreams—and my freedom—were
coming to an end. My mom tried to reassure me that this was
temporary. Evie would be moving into a group home as soon as
possible and would have the supports necessary for a safe and happy
life. I would then be free to continue on with my career goals. But
it was hard to let go of where I was. I hated the idea of saying
goodbye to my roommate and being forced to leave school early. I
knew it was the right thing to do, and I would never abandon my mom
when she needed me, but I felt cheated that I was losing out on my
college experience.

I didn’t tell Landon that I graduated near the top of
my class, but I refused to walk the stage to receive my diploma or
even let mom come to Virginia. I finished my exams, packed up my
few bags, and drove straight back home to Indiana in 11 hours. I
wasn’t sure my old Accord would make it, but we had coasted into
town right on schedule, out of pure determination, and almost
totally out of gas.

Nope, I didn’t need to dump all of that on him. But
what I did want was to get to know him better. I knew absolutely
nothing about Landon, save for his passion for football, working
out, and his truck. There was more he was holding back—there had to
be. Everyone has a story, after all. And as he went from Mr. Cool
in my eyes, to the sensitive guy I saw around me and Evie, I knew
there was deeper for me to go. “Tell me about your family, Landon.
You never talk about them.”

Landon traced his finger along the edges of my hand.
“Not much to tell. I’m not close with them at all. My Dad owns a
huge Ford dealership. He works all the time, and when he’s not
working, he’s golfing. The only thing he ever asks me about—ever—is
football. I swear, if I couldn’t play, he’d be done with me.”