No More Mr. Nice Guy! (12 page)

Expressing Feelings Helps Nice Guys Reclaim Their Personal Power
Nice Guys are terrified of two kinds of feelings — their own and everyone else's. Any kind of intensity causes Nice Guys to feel out of control. As children, feeling things intensely invited either negative attention or no attention at all. Therefore, it came to feel safer to clamp a lid down tightly on any emotion that might attract too much negative attention or might cause them to feel abandoned.

I remember early in our marriage when Elizabeth would express her frustration over my inability to share what I was feeling. Like most Nice Guys, I had come to see feelings as a dangerous thing. After 30

plus years of conditioning, I had no clue what Elizabeth wanted from me.

Even as I began to become aware of my feelings, I often kept them to myself. It is almost comical how infrequently it crosses a Nice Guy's mind to tell his partner what he is feeling. On one occasion Elizabeth confronted me when I shared a feeling with her that I had been harboring for some time. "Why didn't you tell me about that when you first felt it?" she questioned.

"I'm doing better," I replied in typical Nice Guy fashion. "It only took me two weeks to get around to telling you."

I frequently hear Nice Guys rationalize the withholding of their feelings by claiming they don't want to hurt anyone. The truth is they are covering their own butts. What they are really saying is that they don't want to do anything that might recreate their childhood experiences. They're really not trying to protect anyone from harm, they're just trying to keep their world smooth and under control.

I frequently tell Nice Guys, "Your feelings are just feelings, they won't kill you." Regardless of whether a Nice Guy is feeling anxious, helpless, shameful, lonely, rageful, or sad, his feelings aren't life-threatening.

The goal of teaching Nice Guys to embrace their feelings is not to make them soft and "touchy-feely."

Men who are in touch with their feelings are powerful, assertive, and energized. Contrary to what many Nice Guys believe, they don't have to become more like women in order to have their feelings. This is why I support men in learning about their feelings from other men.

While there is no formula, or "right" way to get reconnected with repressed feelings, support groups can teach, model, and support this slow, but important process. In a sense, a therapy group can become like a family. In this environment, recovering Nice Guys can ask for the kind of help in dealing with feelings that was never available to them as children. Since feelings are often messy, a group environment can represent a supportive place to momentarily feel out of control. Here, recovering Nice Guys find out they won't fall overboard and drown if they rock the boat. They also learn that they won't shrivel up and die if someone else around them has a feeling.

Feelings are an integral part of human existence. By learning the language of feelings, recovering Nice Guys can begin to let go of a lifetime of unnecessary baggage. As they do, they experience a newfound energy, optimism, intimacy, and zest for life.

This reality hit home with me a few years ago in a very unexpected way. Elizabeth came to me one day and revealed that she had backed into a parked car. She felt like a bad little child and waited for me to scold her. Even before I had a chance to respond, she began to put up a wall and withdraw as a way of protecting herself.

I got angry — not about the car, but about the manner in which she was pushing me away. I expressed my feelings clearly and directly. Without shaming or attacking I said "Stop." With an intensity of emotion that surprised both of us, I let her know that I wasn't pushing her away and I wasn't going to accept her pushing me away. I told her that I did have feelings about the car, but I had even stronger feelings about how she was acting. I said, "Just let me have my feelings about the car, and then we'll work it out."

Later, Elizabeth revealed to me (and several of her friends) how much safer she felt when I had my feelings. She was able to hear that I was upset about the car but that I didn't think she was bad and I wasn't going to abandon her. The fact that I had such intensity about not letting her push me away actually made her feel secure and loved. As a result, she felt safe to stay connected to me and hear my feelings about the car. The whole incident brought us closer and has since provided a reference point for the healing power of expressing emotions in powerful and direct ways.

Breaking Free Activity #20

Some guidelines about expressing feelings.

• Don't focus on the other person, "You are making me mad."

Instead, take responsibility for what you are feeling: "I am feeling angry."

• Don't use feeling words to describe what you are thinking, as in "I feel like Joe was trying to take
advantage of me."

Instead, pay attention to what you are experiencing in your body: "I'm feeling helpless and
frightened."

• In general, try to begin feeling statements with "I", rather than "you."

Try to avoid the crutch of saying "I feel
like
." As in "I feel
like
you are being mean to me."

Facing Fears Helps Nice Guys Reclaim Their Personal Power

Fear is a normal part of human experience. Everyone experiences fear, even those people who seem to be fearless. Healthy fear is a warning sign that danger may be approaching. This is different from the fear Nice Guys experience on a daily basis.

For Nice Guys, fear is recorded at the cellular level. It is a memory of every seemingly life-threatening experience they ever had. It was born of a time of absolute dependency and helplessness. It originated in not having their needs met in a timely, judicious manner. It was fostered by fearful systems that discouraged risk and rewarded conservatism. It was heightened by the reality that life is messy and chaotic and any kind of change promises a journey into the unknown. I call this kind of fear,
Memory
Fear.

Because of the memory fear created in childhood, Nice Guys still approach the world as if it is dangerous and overpowering. To cope with these realities, Nice Guys typically hunker down and play it safe.

As a consequence of playing it safe, Nice Guys experience a lot of needless suffering.

Suffering because they avoid new situations.

Suffering because they stay with the familiar.

Suffering because they procrastinate, avoid, and fail to finish what they start. Suffering because they make a bad situation worse by doing more of what has never worked in the past.

Suffering because they expend so much energy trying to control the uncontrollable.

Nolan is a good example of the paralyzing effect of memory fear. Nolan came to see me on the recommendation of a friend. He had been separated from his wife for a year but was having a difficult time making a final decision about getting divorced.

Nolan frequently told me he was "confused." This confusion was mixed with a strong dose of guilt.

Nolan constantly weighed all the issues. What if he left his wife and later realized that it was a mistake?

What if he messed up his kids' lives? What if his children never wanted to talk to him again? What if his friends thought he was bad? What if God sent him to hell? As long as Nolan stayed "confused" about what he should do, he remained paralyzed.

When I told Nolan that I didn't think he was confused but that he was afraid, he was initially defensive.

He didn't like seeing himself as being fearful. As we explored the memory fear from his childhood, he came to realize that any mistakes he made as a child seemed to have everlasting consequences. He believed the same would be true in his present situation.

Behind Nolan's fear of making a decision was the childhood fear that he wouldn't be able to handle whatever happened. Together we brainstormed all the possible consequences of divorcing his wife.

Behind each potential consequence was the unconscious belief that he wouldn't be able to handle it.

I sent Nolan home with his list of fears along with a more accurate statement about each:
No matter
what happened, he would handle it.
The following week, Nolan proudly announced that he had contacted an attorney. Even though he felt tremendous fear and anxiety, he found courage in repeating his new found mantra:
"I can handle it."

Facing present day fears is the only way to overcome memory fear. Every time the Nice Guy confronts a fear, he unconsciously creates a belief that he can handle whatever it is he is afraid of. This challenges his memory fear. Challenging this memory fear makes the things outside of him seem less threatening.

As these things seem less frightening, he feels more confident in confronting them. The more this confidence grows, the less threatening life seems.

Breaking Free Activity #21

List one fear that has been controlling your life. Once you decide to confront the fear, begin
repeating to yourself, "I can handle it. No matter what happens, I will handle it." Keep repeating
this mantra until you take action and stop feeling fear.

Developing Integrity Helps Nice Guys Reclaim Their Personal Power
Most Nice Guys pride themselves on being honest and trustworthy. In reality, Nice Guys are fundamentally dishonest. They have the ability to tell a lie or withhold the truth and still believe the illusion that they are basically honest people. Since dishonesty is a fear-based behavior, telling lies and withholding the truth robs Nice Guys of their personal power.

I define lying as anything less than the truth. This may seem evident to most people, but it is important to define "lying," and "telling the truth," because Nice Guys are adept at creating definitions that justify their behavior. It is not unusual to hear them make statements like "I'm pretty honest" or "I'm honest most of the time" without the slightest awareness of their contradiction of terms. In almost a childlike manner, Nice Guys will often offer the following defense: "I didn't lie, I just didn't tell everything."

Joel was the owner of a successful construction company. On occasion, he would leave work a little early and catch an afternoon movie before heading home. Because he feared his wife's disapproval, he would refrain from telling her how he spent those afternoons. He would always have some cover story ready in case she tried to call him while he was out. The irony of the situation is that there was absolutely no reason for Joel to lie to his wife. In spite of all the effort Joel put into hiding the truth of his whereabouts, it never crossed his mind that he was lying to himself and to his wife. The bottom line was that Joel's lying perpetuated a fear-based relationship with his wife and robbed him of his personal power.

When Nice Guys are learning to tell the truth I encourage them to pay attention to the things they least want others to know, what they least want to reveal. These are the things they are most likely to hold back — and the things they most need to tell. Sometimes they have to practice telling a certain truth several times until all of these pieces of information get told.

Sometimes after telling the truth, Nice Guys will report that it was a "mistake" because someone reacted with anger. Telling the truth is not a magic formula for having a smooth life. But living a life of integrity is actually easier than living one built around deceit and distortion.

Developing integrity is an essential part of recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome.

My definition of integrity is "deciding what feels right and doing it."

The alternative is using the "committee approach." This method of decision-making and acting is based on trying to guess what everyone else would think is right. Following this committee approach is the quickest path to confusion, fear, powerlessness, and dishonesty.

When applying the definition above, there are two ways to be
out
of integrity, but only one way to be
in
it. When a Nice Guy never even bothers to ask himself, "What do I think is right?" or uses the committee method, he will always be out of integrity. If he asks himself what he believes is right but doesn't do it, he is also out of integrity. Only by asking himself what he believes is right and then doing it does he become a man of integrity.

Breaking Free Activity #22

Choose one area in which you have been out of integrity. Identify your fear that keeps you from
telling the truth or doing the right thing. Reveal this situation to a safe person. Then go and tell the
truth or do what you have to do to make the situation right. Tell yourself you can handle it. Since
telling the truth may create a crisis for you or others, have faith that everyone involved will
survive this crisis.

Setting Boundaries Helps Nice Guys Reclaim Their Personal Power

Boundaries are essential for survival. Learning to set boundaries allows Nice Guys to stop feeling like helpless victims and reclaim their personal power. Boundary setting is one of the most fundamental skills I teach to recovering Nice Guys.

I demonstrate the concept of boundaries by laying a shoestring on the ground. I tell the Nice Guy that I am going to cross his boundary and push him backwards. I instruct him to stop me when he begins to feel uncomfortable. It is not unusual for a Nice Guy to stand well back from the line, allowing me to violate his space several steps before he even begins to respond. Once I start pushing, it's not uncommon for a Nice Guy to let me push him back several steps before he does anything to stop me. Sometimes a Nice Guy will let me push him all the way to the wall.

I use this exercise as a graphic demonstration of the need for boundaries in all areas of life. Nice Guys are usually more comfortable back-pedaling, giving in, and keeping the peace. They believe if they take one more step backward, the other person will quit pushing, and then everything will be smooth.

It is not unusual for recovering Nice Guys to go a little overboard when they first learn about boundary setting. They have a tendency to swing from one extreme to another. They become Kamikaze boundary setters. They try to set boundaries with a sledge hammer or machete. They usually learn in time that they only have to use as much resistance as necessary to get the job done.