No More Mr. Nice Guy! (14 page)

Anita's smile disappeared and was replaced with a look of grief. She took a tissue and dabbed the corner of her eye.

"Dutton, that's my husband, has been through so much lately. He's under a lot of pressure at work, things have been tight financially, and his mother died last year. He was really close to her and I think it was really hard on him."

Anita told of her suspicions of her husband's infidelity but then came back to the subject of his mother again.

"If I didn't know better, I'd say his infatuation with his secretary began right after his mother died. It's like he needed something to fill a hole in his life. I always liked his mother. She was a nice lady, but I always had the feeling that Dutton was more connected to her than he was to me. Is that crazy?" she asked quizzically. "To be jealous of your mother in law?"

I encouraged Anita to tell me more about Dutton's family.

"Other than his father," She continued, "He believes it was great. That's because of his mother of course.

She was a real saint. His father was extremely harsh with the kids. Their mom was the one they turned to for nurturing. She was really good at listening and being there for them."

Anita seemed relieved to be able to talk about something besides her suspicions of her husband.

"Before she died, Dutton paid for them to get carpet in their house and bought them two nice reclining chairs because he knew his father never would. He used to drive her places because he knew his father wouldn't. He treated his mother real special — I think to make up for what she had to go through living with his dad. One time I was angry at him and I accused him of treating his mother better than he treated me. He blew up." Anita made an explosion gesture with her arms. "He told me to never say that again.

He didn't talk to me for two weeks after that. I learned not to bring up that subject."

Anita paused for moment. "Do you think there could be any connection between his mom dying and him having an affair? They loved each other so much. Maybe his secretary fills that void. Does that sound crazy to you?"

Nice Guys Tend To Seek The Approval Of Women

Due to their family and social conditioning, Nice Guys tend to seek the approval women. Even as they are trying to become what they believe women want them to be and doing what they believe women want them to do, Nice Guys tend to experience tremendous frustration in gaining the approval they so intensely desire.

This frustration is due to the reality that in general, women view men who try to please them as weak and hold these men in contempt. Most women do not want a man who tries to please them — they want a man who knows how to please himself. Women consistently share with me that they don't want a passive, pleasing wimp.
They want a man
— someone with his balls still intact.

Getting Your Testicles Back

Avoiding relationships with men and seeking the approval of women prevents Nice Guys from getting what they really want in love and life. In order to reverse the effects of the Nice Guy Syndrome Nice Guys have to reclaim their masculinity. The process involves coming to believe that it really is a good thing to be a man and embracing all of their masculine traits. Reclaiming one's masculinity involves:

● Connecting with other men.

● Getting strong.

● Finding healthy male role models.

● Reexamining one's relationship with one's father.

Connecting With Men Helps Nice Guys Reclaim Their Masculinity

Connecting with men is essential for reclaiming masculinity. Building relationships with men requires a conscious effort. This process begins with a commitment to develop male friendships. In order to do this, recovering Nice Guys must be willing to make the time, take risks, and be vulnerable. For most Nice Guys, time seems to be a big factor that keeps them disconnected from men. It takes time to talk with a neighbor, call up a friend, or go to a ballgame. Since many Nice Guys are enmeshed with their wives, families, or work, this means taking time away from these things.

Connecting with men involves doing guy things with guys. There is no right way to do this, but it can include joining a team, going to sporting events, joining a prayer or discussion group, having a poker night, doing volunteer work, going fishing, going for a run, or just hanging out.

Alan is an example of what can happen when a recovering Nice Guy makes the decision to connect with men. Alan had a difficult time doing things for himself, especially with other men. When he made a conscious effort to begin addressing this issue he had to first take a look at what kept him disconnected from men and what he could do to start changing the pattern.

One of the first things Alan did was to join a men's therapy group. Even then, it took more than a year before he began doing things with the men outside of the group. As he did, these men were able to give him feedback about his defense mechanisms that kept him isolated. These men also supported him in changing the ways he related to his wife.

Alan also joined a health club where he started playing volleyball and racquetball with other men. Later, he took the lead in starting up a softball team. At first it was difficult to take time out just for himself, especially when it meant being away from his family.

It took a few years, but Alan now has a couple of close male friends as well as several other guys he sees on a regular basis. He even takes a yearly road trip with friends across the country for a weekend of golf.

He looks at these trips with the guys as one of the highlights of his year.

Both Alan and his wife Marie believe Alan's conscious decision to connect with men saved their marriage. Alan had made his wife his emotional center. His life revolved around trying to please her and make her happy. Due to his ineffective covert contracts, Alan never believed Marie gave as much to him as he gave to her. As a result, he was often resentful and passive-aggressive. When Alan began to get his emotional and social needs met with men, it took a lot of pressure off his wife.

As Alan reclaimed his masculine energy, he also began to look more attractive to Marie. Even though it was initially difficult to tell her that he was going to spend time with his friends, she respected him when he did. This newfound respect rekindled the feelings she first felt toward Alan early in their relationship.

As Alan found out, there are numerous benefits from developing male relationships. Perhaps one of the most significant benefits for Nice Guys is that it improves their relationships with women. I consistently tell Nice Guys, "The best thing you can do for your relationship with your girlfriend or wife is to have male friends." As they get many of their emotional needs met with men, recovering Nice Guys become less dependent, needy, manipulative and resentful in their relationships with women.

Developing male relationships makes recovering Nice Guys less susceptible to seeking women's approval or allowing themselves to be defined by the opposite sex. If the Nice Guy's girlfriend or wife is angry at him or thinks he is a jerk, he can take comfort in knowing his buddies think he is OK. He is therefore less likely to resort to peacekeeping or fixing to try and keep his partner happy.

Friendships with men have the potential for tremendous depth and intimacy because there is no sexual agenda. A Nice Guy will frequently avoid doing anything that might upset his partner and cause her to not want to have sex with him. With men, recovering Nice Guys don't feel like they have to please, placate, lie, caretake or sacrifice like they believe they have to with women. Not having a sexual agenda removes the fear and dysfunctional dances so common for Nice Guys in their relationships with the opposite sex.

Breaking The Monogamous Bond To Mom

Developing male relationships helps undo a Nice Guy's monogamous bond with his mother. Little boys get pulled into unhealthy relationships with their mothers only when their fathers allow it. The solution to reversing this dynamic is creating healthy relationships with men.

When my daughter Jamie was 18, she had a boyfriend who had been conditioned to be monogamous to his mother. The boy's father frequently traveled for his job, was emotionally unavailable, rigid, and demanding. The boy's mother smothered her son and made him her emotional partner.

On several occasions, Jamie felt as if she were competing with her boyfriend's mother for his attention and affection. Unfortunately, since the mother had first dibs on him, she usually won. It felt strange to Jamie to be jealous of and in competition with her boyfriend's mother. Nevertheless, she passed the situation off as just a case of her boyfriend and his mother having a very "close" relationship.

One Friday night, Jamie and I went out for dinner. While we ate, she shared her frustration of having to compete with her boyfriend's mother, especially now that he had joined the Marines and was away at boot camp. I empathized with my daughter and shared the facts of life with her.

"Your boyfriend is a classic Nice Guy," I told her. "He has been conditioned to be monogamous to his mother. Unfortunately, that means that he will never really be able to bond completely with you.

Something will always get in the way. You may be tempted to focus on that thing, as if it is the problem.

But the real problem is his relationship with his mother."

Jamie wasn't thrilled with what I told her, but for an 18-year-old she was pretty intuitive and knew what I was saying was true. She even shared a few examples of the ways she had already seen this happen.

"Is there any hope?" Jamie asked. "Can he ever break free from his mother and become available for me?"

"Yes," I said, "there is one hope. He has to learn to connect with men in ways that he couldn't with his father. I think it is a good thing," I told her, "that he is in the Marines and connecting with men. You can support that too. If you two continue dating or even marry, encourage his relationships with men. They are the one hope you have of him breaking his monogamous bond with his mother."

A month or so later, Jamie flew down to San Diego with her boyfriend's parents to attend his graduation from boot camp. As usual, his mother acted possessive and territorial. Amazingly, Jamie noticed a difference in her boyfriend. On several occasions, he set boundaries with his mother and refused to let her hook an emotional hose up to him. Jamie could tell that this was primarily the result of her boyfriend having bonded with several guys in boot camp and from embracing his own masculinity.

Breaking Free Activity #25

List three men whom you would like to get to know better. Next to each man's name list a possible
activity you could do together. Next to this, write down a date and make a commitment to contact
him by this day.

Getting Strong Helps Nice Guys Reclaim Their Masculinity

Masculinity denotes strength and power. Because of their conditioning, Nice Guys tend to fear these traits. As a result, they often become emotionally and physically soft. Some even take pride in this softness. I've met many Nice Guys who work out or practice martial arts, but who are still afraid of their strength.

Embracing one's masculinity mean's embracing one's body, power, and spaciousness. In order to do this, recovering Nice Guys have to stop putting junk into their bodies and train them to respond to the physical demands of being male. This involves eating healthy foods, eliminating drugs and alcohol, working out, drinking lots of water, playing, relaxing, and getting enough rest. Whether the Nice Guy stays fit by running, swimming, weight training, martial arts, playing basketball, volleyball, or tennis, this physical strength translates into self-confidence and power in every other aspect of his life.

Travis, an attorney in his early fifties is a good example. Travis came to see me to deal with his marital difficulties. During the first session of counseling, two things became immediately evident: First, Travis was a Nice Guy, and second, he had a drug and alcohol problem. I told him I would work with him only if he got a drug and alcohol assessment, quit drinking, and started attending Alcoholics Anonymous.

Travis complied with all my boundaries and asked if he could join one of the No More Mr. Nice Guy!

groups.

Over the next several months, Travis's relationship with his wife was up and down like a yo-yo. In addition to marital problems, it also became apparent that Travis had a number of other lifestyle problems. His diet consisted primarily of fast food. He was a chain smoker and he drank several cups of coffee a day. He worked long hours and got absolutely no exercise.

Over the next several months, Travis began to address these issues one at a time. He started taking time away from work to attend AA meetings and spend time with other recovering men. He decided to have a surgery he had been putting off for years. Since he wouldn't be able to smoke for a few days, he decided it was a good time to quit for good. After his surgery, he began going for walks during his lunch hour.

He started drinking more water and cut back on his coffee and soft drink consumption. He even took a week off from work and went fishing with some friends in Alaska.

About 10 months after joining the Nice Guy group, he shared that he was filing for divorce. With his lifestyle changes and the support of the group he had come to realize that his combative relationship with his wife was his last bad habit that needed to go. While relaying his decision to the group, he revealed that his wife blamed the group for killing their marriage. Travis smiled and then wiped a tear from the corner of his eye. "Thanks to this group, I feel strong. I never could have made these changes without your help. This group didn't kill my marriage, it saved my life."

Breaking Free Activity #26

Identify three ways in which you neglect your body. Write down three ways in which you can start
taking better care of yourself.

Seeking Out Healthy Role Models Helps Nice Guys Reclaim Their Masculinity
I encourage recovering Nice Guys to visualize what they think a healthy male would look like and think of healthy masculine traits they would like to develop. With that picture in mind, they can go out and look for men who have these kinds of qualities. These men may be in their church, their company, their softball team, even characters on TV or the movies. By observing how these men live their lives and interact with the world, the Nice Guy can begin assimilating a healthier model of manhood.