No More Mr. Nice Guy! (15 page)

Like many recovering Nice Guys, I have done this work by committee. I developed a friendship with one man who was good at doing guy things. I formed a relationship with another guy who was a hard worker. I created a relationship with a man who was comfortable revealing himself and sharing his feelings. I made another friend who was good at taking risks and challenging himself. Each of these men in their own way helped me see what it looks like to be male and have been role models for reclaiming my own masculinity.

Breaking Free Activity #27

Visualize what you think a healthy male would look like. What personality traits would he posses?

Write these down. Do you know anyone who has a number of these traits? How could you use this
person as a healthy role model?

Reexamining Their Relationship With Their Father Helps Nice Guys Reclaim Their
Masculinity

As I've mentioned before, most Nice Guys do not report having had a close relationship with their father in childhood. Either their fathers were passive, unavailable, absent, or defined in some negative way.

Reclaiming their masculinity requires that Nice Guys examine their relationships with their fathers and take a look at them through adult eyes.

Matthew, a computer programmer in his mid-forties is a good example of this process. On one occasion in a No More Mr. Nice Guy! group, Matthew stated that he had no intention of attending his father's funeral if he should die. Months later, after exploring his relationship with his father in group, he decided to call and confront his dad when he didn't get invited to a family function.

Matt's mother had always portrayed his dad as a villain while representing herself as a victim. While talking with his father, Matthew came to the realization that even though his dad had problems, he wasn't bad like his mother had made him out to be. From this encounter, Matthew also realized that he had created a similar scenario with his wife in which he identified her as the villain and himself as the victim. Not only did that phone call to his father begin to change his relationship with his dad, but also with his wife.

For Nice Guys, reexamining their relationship with their fathers means seeing their dads through their own eyes as they really are. It means taking them out of the gutter or off the pedestal. This may require that Nice Guys hold them accountable by expressing their feelings to them — including rage and anger.

This is essential, even if these men are dead. Sometimes this takes place in their fathers' presence, sometimes not. It's not so important that the father is available to do this work. What is essential is that recovering Nice Guys embrace the male heritage they and their fathers share.

The goal is to find a way to view fathers more accurately. Recovering Nice Guys can begin to accept these men for who they were and are — wounded human beings. This shift is essential if Nice Guys are going to view themselves more accurately, accept themselves for who they are, and reclaim their masculinity.

Breaking Free Activity #28

Embracing masculinity involves coming to see Dad more accurately. To facilitate this process,
create a list. On the left side, list a number of your father's characteristics. Write the opposite
characteristic on the right side. Indicate where on the spectrum between the two that you see
yourself.

When recovering Nice Guys do this exercise they are often surprised at what they discover about
their fathers and themselves.

They often see how they have made their fathers into a caricature — a distortion of who they
really are.

They may realize that if the man they have become is based on a reaction to how they saw their
fathers, they too have become caricatures. Remember, the opposite of crazy is still crazy.

They realize that if their lives are a reaction to Dad, then Dad is still in control.

They discover that they can be different from Dad without being the opposite.

They often come to realize that they have more traits in common with their fathers than they had
previously realized or wanted to accept.

Passing The Benefits of Masculinity On To The Next Generation

Part 1: Snakes And Snails

As I work to raise my sons I realize that they are growing up in a world very much like the one that created my generation of Nice Guys. Boys are disconnected from men and are dependent on gaining the approval of women.

This was brought home to me a couple of years back when our family moved to a new home, the summer before my son Steve entered the fourth grade. When I attended his PTA open house I was jolted with a dose of reality. In kindergarten through fifth grade, there was only one male classroom teacher in the whole school. That's about a 20-to-1 ratio. As the teachers were introduced a grade at a time and then stood together on the gym floor, I received a visual picture of the environment in which little boys spend the most impressionable years of their lives.

As a recovering Nice Guy, I have a unique chance to pass a new model of masculinity not only to my sons and daughter, but to a whole generation of boys and girls. The more time I spend working with Nice Guys, the more I realize that this process represents a powerful tool for giving the next generation a saner model of what it means to be men and women.

Unfortunately, our culture provides few rituals in which adult males help boys leave the comfort of a nursery ruled by women (home, preschool, school) and enter the world of adult manhood. Robert Bly discusses the importance of these rituals in his book
Iron John.

In "primitive" societies, Bly writes, the boys are pretty much raised by the women until early adolescence. When it is time for the boys to leave the sphere of female influence and move into the men's world, the men of the tribe stage a raid. They put on their war paint, enter the village, and steal the boys away. The women, on cue, weep, protest, and do their best to hang onto the boys. After the men have taken the boys outside the village for their period of initiation, the women get together and ask,

"How did I do? Was I believable?" In these cultures, the men and women work together to facilitate this process of transition and initiation.

These days, boys try to make this transition from a world ruled by women, but they can't do it on their own. I have a theory that the phase that adolescent boys pass through where they dress sloppily, look scraggly, act aggressively, hole up in their room, slouch, play loud music, swear, and spit a lot, are all unconsciously aimed at making themselves so repulsive that even their mothers can't stand them. This helps them break the symbiotic bonds with their moms. Nevertheless, these young men still need help from adult males in pulling away from their mothers without feeling guilt and shame and without overly self-destructive behaviors.

I believe recovering Nice Guys can help boys find a saner model of what it means to be male in our culture. This is because there are certain things that boys can only learn from men. As Nice Guys embrace their masculinity, they can teach their sons what it means to be male. This includes how to handle their aggression, how to handle their libido, how to relate to women, how to bond with a man, and perhaps most importantly, how to embrace their own masculinity. Men teach these lessons both by example and by interaction with young boys.

As a recovering Nice Guy, I also benefit from being with my adolescent sons and their friends. When I'm around my boys, I get to see unbridled maleness in action. Not only do I get to teach my sons how to handle their testosterone-related behaviors such as aggression and sexuality, they also show me how to embrace mine.

This reciprocal process requires time and interaction. Fathers need to take their sons hunting and fishing, work on cars with them, take them to work, coach their teams, take them to ball games, work out with them, take them on business trips, and let them tag along with them when they go out with the guys. All of these activities help boys move successfully into the male world.

This process is not just limited to a man's biological sons. Nice Guys can get involved with young relatives, scouts, sports teams, school activities, or big brothers.

Trey, a single man in his late thirties, illustrates the power of this male influence. One night in his men's group, Trey talked about his nephew who was being raised by Trey's sister, a single mother. Trey had strong feelings about what was happening to his nephew because the boy was going through some of the same rebellion and acting out with alcohol that Trey had experienced at the same age. The group encouraged Trey to reach out to his nephew and be a positive male influence.

The next week in group, Trey was beaming. He told how he had taken his nephew to the hardware store and how the two of them had put together a workbench. His nephew was thrilled with the male contact.

Trey came away with a feeling that he had done something positive to help change the direction of a struggling young boy.

Breaking Free Activity #29

How can you provide a healthy male support system for the boys and young men you know? List
three boys along with an activity you can participate in with them.

Passing The Benefits On

Part 2: Sugar And Spice

Little girls can benefit from this reclaimed masculine energy as well. The men in one of my No More Mr. Nice Guy! groups showed me the benefits of male energy on a young girl in a powerful way. One of the members, LeMar, had a 12-year-old daughter with bone cancer. She had to have a leg removed and undergo chemotherapy and radiation. As a result, she had spent countless days and nights in a hospital bed. One Friday evening, while LeMar was sitting at the hospital with his daughter, the members of his men's group showed up unexpectedly to take him out to dinner.

In addition to providing masculine support for LeMar during a difficult time, the men also produced an unexpected dividend. Energized by their presence, LeMar's daughter sat up and received hugs from each guy. That night she needed less medication and slept better than she had in weeks. The next day, all she could talk about was "her guys" who had come to visit her the night before.

Recovering Nice Guys can show their daughters what a real man looks like. Girls benefit by seeing their father set boundaries, ask for what they want in clear and direct ways, work hard, create, produce, have male friends, and make their own needs a priority. As with little boys, girls can learn what it means to be male both by watching their fathers and by interacting with them. This modeling will have a positive influence on their choice of future partners.

A No-Lose Situation

As Nice Guys reclaim their masculine energy, everyone wins. Not only does the recovering Nice Guy get to experience deeper bonds with men, but his relationships with women grow too. Perhaps most significantly, a whole new generation of boys and girls reap the benefits of seeing what a healthy male really looks like.

Chapter

Get The Love

You Want:

Success Strategies

For Intimate

Relationships

"I'm a victim of her dysfunction."

Karl, a successful businessman in his mid-thirties, began his first counseling session with the preceding analysis of his relationship with his wife Danita. Though over six-foot-two and professionally dressed in a dark suit and tie, Karl looked like a little boy sitting on the sofa in my office. Karl's frustration and helplessness regarding his most intimate relationship was unmistakable.

As Karl continued to talk about his marriage, it became apparent that he was intimidated by his wife Danita. He claimed she was "angry all the time." When talking about her he used adjectives like

"relentless" and "steamroller." Because of his fear of her anger, he lied to her and avoided interacting with her.

"In many ways," Karl revealed, "Danita is just like my mother. There was just no pleasing Mom. I learned to just avoid her and tune her out when she was bitching. I got really good at lying and hiding what I didn't want her to know about. I guess I'm still pretty good at that today."

As Karl brought the discussion back to the present, he revealed, "Every other area of my life is great. If it wasn't for Danita, my life would be perfect. I just don't think she knows how to be happy."

Intimate Strangers

In general, Nice Guys end up in my office for one of two reasons. Sometimes some hidden behavior —

an affair, surfing for pornography on the Internet, smoking pot — has blown up in their face and created a crisis with their wife or girlfriend. More often, their call to a therapist is motivated by some problem or dissatisfaction in their most intimate relationship; their partner doesn't want to have sex as often as they do, she is depressed, angry, unavailable, or unfaithful (or all of the above).

These men usually believe there is a simple answer to their problem. Some of them are sure everything will be OK if they can just stop doing that one thing that keeps making their partner so angry. The rest of them are convinced that if they can get their partner to change, then life will be great.