No More Mr. Nice Guy! (21 page)

After six months, Aaron reported feeling less resentful and much closer to his wife. He also discovered how to get his needs met and express his feelings more directly, instead of through sex. Most importantly, when he and Hannah did start having sex again, he felt much more connected to his wife.

Breaking Free Activity #39

Consider going on a sexual moratorium. Consciously refrain from sex for a predetermined period
of time. No matter what your sexual situation is, it can be a powerful learning experience. Most
guys initially resist the idea, but once they make the decision to do it, they find it to be a very
positive experience. A sexual moratorium can have many benefits:

●
Helps break dysfunction cycles.

●
Eliminates pursuing and distancing.

●
Releases resentment.

●
Allows the Nice Guy to see that he can live without sex.

●
Helps the Nice Guy realize that no one else but him holds the key to his sexual experience.

●
Helps the Nice Guy see how he settles for bad sex.

●
Eliminates fear that the Nice Guy's partner can withhold sex or approval.

●
Helps the Nice Guy pay attention to the meaning of sexual impulses. Whenever the Nice
Guy feels the impulse to be sexual, he can automatically ask himself, "Why am I feeling
sexual?"

●
Helps break addictive patterns by eliminating compulsive masturbation, pornography, and
other addictive behaviors.

●
Helps the Nice Guy begin to address feelings he has been avoiding with sex.

Before beginning a sexual moratorium, discuss it with your partner. It helps to set a specific time.

I suggest three to six months. It can be done.

Decide on the parameters of the moratorium. Once you have begun, pay attention to slips and
sabotaging behaviors, from both you and your partner. Remember, it is a learning experience.

You don't have to do it perfectly.

Following The Example Of The Bull Moose Helps Nice Guys Get The Sex They Want
In nature, the alpha male and the bull moose don't sit around trying to figure out what will make the girls like them. They are just themselves: fierce, strong, competitive, and sexually proud. Because they are what they are and do what they do, prospective mates are attracted.

As in nature, the greatest aphrodisiac is self-confidence. As recovering Nice Guys become comfortable just being themselves, they begin to look more attractive. Self-respect, courage, and integrity look good on a man. As recovering Nice Guys chart their own path and put themselves first, people respond.

I've listened to recovering Nice Guys tell of "selfishly" putting their needs first and then being surprised when a seemingly unavailable partner expresses a desire to be sexual. One client, who hadn't had sex with his wife in 14 months, shared in a Nice Guy group that he was tired of listening to his wife complain about her work problems. That night, for the first time in 15 years of marriage, he told his wife that he was too tired to listen. Even though she was initially angry, later that night she asked him if he wanted to make love.

A Force Of Nature

The very thing that makes sex so exciting is exactly what makes it so terrifying. Sex is powerful, chaotic, and wild. It crackles with cosmic energy. It draws us like a moth to a flame. As recovering Nice Guys release their sexual shame and fear, take responsibility for their own pleasure, refuse to settle for bad sex, and practice being just who they are, they put themselves in the position to embrace this cosmic force without fear or reservation. This is when the sex really gets good.

Chapter

Get The Life

You Want:

Discover Your

Passion And

Purpose In Life,

Work, And Career

If there were no limits on your life:

● Where would you live?

● What would you be doing in your leisure time?

● What kind of work would you be engaged in?

● What would your home and surroundings look like?

As you look at the reality of your life, ask yourself two questions: First, are you creating the life you want? Second, if not, why not?

In general, the Nice Guys with whom I have worked have been intelligent, industrious, and competent individuals. While most are at least moderately successful, the majority have not lived up to their full abilities or potential. Nor have they created the kind of life they really desire.

Since Nice Guys spend so much time seeking approval, hiding their flaws, playing it safe, and doing the opposite of what works, it makes sense that they would typically fall short of being all they can be. This is perhaps the greatest tragedy wrought by the Nice Guy Syndrome — countless intelligent and talented men wasting their lives and wallowing in the mire of mediocrity.

Nice Guys On The Job

Most Nice Guys initially come to counseling to deal with the way their life paradigm is affecting their intimate relationships. These relationship problems often overshadow the reality that they are equally dissatisfied with their job, career, or life direction in general. The dynamics that keep Nice Guys stuck in dysfunctional, unsatisfying relationships are often the same dynamics that keep them stuck in dysfunctional and unsatisfying vocations.

There are numerous reasons why Nice Guys tend to be less than they can be in life, work, and career.

These include:

● Fear

● Trying to do it right

● Trying to do everything themselves

● Self-sabotage

● A distorted self-image

● Deprivation thinking

● Staying stuck in familiar but dysfunctional systems

Fear Prevents Nice Guys From Getting the Life They Want

If I were to identify one common factor at the core of every problem experienced by Nice Guys, it would be
fear.
Pretty much everything Nice Guys do or don't do is governed by fear. Their thoughts are funneled through fear-encrusted neurons in their brains. Their interactions are dictated by the politics of fear.

● It is fear that prevents a Nice Guy from demanding the raise he has been promised.

● It is fear that keeps a Nice Guy from going back to school to get the education or training he needs to pursue a truly fulfilling career.

● It is fear that prevents a Nice Guy from quitting a job he despises.

● It is fear that gets in the way of a Nice Guy starting the business of his dreams.

● It is fear that prevents a Nice Guy from living where he really wants to live and doing what he really wants to do.

Nice Guys are afraid of making a mistake, afraid of doing it wrong, afraid of failure, afraid of losing it all. Right alongside these fears of disaster is the paradoxical
fear of success
. Nice Guys are typically afraid that if they are truly successful:

● They will be found out to be frauds.

● They won't be able to live up to people's expectations.

● They will be criticized.

● They won't be able to handle the increased expectations.

● They will lose control over their lives.

● They will do something to mess up everything.

Rather than facing these fears — real or imagined — Nice Guys typically settle for operating at a fraction of their full potential.

Trying To Do It Right Prevents Nice Guys From Getting the Life They Want
The essence of all life is evolution and change. In order for this process to occur naturally and completely in an individual, a person has to be willing to let go of control. Letting go allows the beautiful, serendipitous chaos of creation to resonate through one's self. The result is a dynamic, fulfilling life.

Nice Guys are obsessed with trying to keep their lives smooth and uneventful. They do this by trying to

"do it right" and following the "rules." Unfortunately, this life strategy is the most effective way to put a lid on any creative life energy. This lid kills their passion and prevents Nice Guys from living up to their full potential.

● Trying to do it right robs Nice Guys of their creativity and productivity.

● Striving for perfection keeps Nice Guys focused on their imperfections.

● Seeking external validation and approval keeps Nice Guys stuck in mediocrity.

● Attempting to hide flaws and mistakes prevents Nice Guys from taking risks or trying something new.

● Following the rules make Nice Guys rigid, cautious, and fearful.

It is because of these self-imposed limits that many Nice Guys are dissatisfied, bored, or unhappy with their life and vocation.

Trying To Do Everything Themselves Prevents Nice Guys From Getting the Life They
Want

As children, Nice Guys did not get their needs met in timely, judicious ways. Some were neglected, some were used, some were abused, some were abandoned. All grew up believing that it was a bad or dangerous thing for them to have needs. All grew up convinced that if they were going to have anything in life, it would be up to them.

Consequently, Nice Guys are terrible receivers. They are terrified of asking for help. They are completely miserable when others try to give to them. They have difficulty delegating to others.

Because they believe they have to do it all themselves, Nice Guys rarely live up to their full potential.

Nobody can be good at everything or succeed all on their own. Nice Guys believe they should be able to.

They might be jacks-of-all-trades, but they are typically masters of none. This childhood conditioning ensures that they will never be all they can be in any area of life.

Self-Sabotage Prevents Nice Guys From Getting the Life They Want
Because of their fear of success, Nice Guys are masters of self-sabotage. They undermine their success by:

● Wasting time.

● Making excuses.

● Not finishing projects.

● Caretaking other people.

● Having too many projects going at once.

● Getting caught up in chaotic relationships.

● Procrastinating.

● Not setting boundaries.

Nice Guys are typically good at looking just good enough. But to be really great — to really rise to the top — invites too much unwanted attention and scrutiny. The bright lights of success threaten to illuminate their self-perceived cracks and flaws.

Consequently, Nice Guys find many creative ways to make sure they are never too successful. If they don't start something, they won't fail. If they don't finish something, they won't be criticized. If they have too much going on at once, they won't have to do any one thing well. If they have enough good excuses, people won't expect too much of them.

A Distorted Self Image Prevents Nice Guys From Getting the Life They Want
Because their needs were not met in a timely, judicious fashion in childhood, Nice Guys developed a distorted view of themselves. With a naive, immature logic they came to the conclusion that if their needs were not important, neither were they. This is the basis of their toxic shame. At their core, all Nice Guys believe they are not important or good enough.

If a Nice Guy was called on to take care of a critical, needy, or dependent parent, he received a double dose of toxic shame. A child believes he should be able to please a critical parent, fix the problems of a depressed parent, and meet the needs of a smothering parent. Unfortunately, he can't.

As a result of their inability to fix, please, or take care of one or more parents, many Nice Guys
developed a deep-seated sense of inadequacy.
They believed they
should
be able to do the job.

Nevertheless, they never could seem to do it right or good enough — mom was still depressed, dad was still critical.

This internalized sense of inadequacy and defectiveness is carried into adulthood. Some Nice Guys compensate by trying to do everything right. They hope that by doing so, no one will ever find out how inadequate they are. Other Nice Guys just give up before they try.

This feeling of inadequacy prevents Nice Guys from making themselves visible, taking chances, or trying something new. It keeps them in the same old rut, never seeing how talented and intelligent they really are. Everyone around them can see these things, but their distorted childhood lenses won't let them accurately see their true potential and ability.

The result of this distorted self-image is an
emotional and cognitive
glass ceiling
. This invisible lid prevents Nice Guys from being all they can be. If they do try to rise above it, they bump their heads and tumble down to more familiar territory.

Deprivation Thinking Prevents Nice Guys From Getting the Life They Want
Not having their needs adequately met in childhood created a belief for Nice Guys that there wasn't enough of what they needed to go around. This deprivation experience became the lenses through which they viewed the world.