Fighting Me

A
ll Rights Reserved
. This work may not be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means (electronic, photographic) in part or whole without expressed written consent from Amy Cox a.k.a. Cat Mason.

This is a work of Fiction. All characters, organizations, brands, and events are either products of the author’s imagination or are used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual events, or persons living or deceased is completely coincidental.

Copyright © Cat Mason 2015

In association with Fidem Publishing

Cover Image and Design By: Katheryn Kiden with Fidem Publishing

Editing By: Ready, Set, Edit

Formatted By: Brian Morgan

M
y best bitch
, the other half of “Johnsongrabber: party of two”, this book’s for you. The Big Man has been your number one since the beginning. When I swore I was done with Shaft, you threatened to whoop my ass if I didn’t listen when he started talking and even when I was frustrated, you were there for every single word.

With sammiches.

Mmmm sammiches.

Thanks to you and your bitch hat, I love Henry’s story more than I ever thought I could. Big Man has stolen a huge piece of my heart. So, because you handle my giggle fits, my crazy sass, my sappy playlists, and my sometimes ridiculous funks by serenading me in song… in the car… with witnesses… all to make me blush… and laugh… the Tow Hitch is all yours.

D
eep brown eyes
and the emotion that fill them.

Pain.

Regret.

Disappointment.

Three things I can’t bear to see. Only thing worse is knowing that I caused it. Those eyes, filled with devastation, are all that fill my dreams now.

Wounds that I closed myself off from have been ripped open that—no matter how hard I try—I can’t bury them like I have in the past. They attack when I least expect it, clawing at my throat and chest, stealing the life from me.

“Why are you doing this, Henry?” Her voice is like a knife to my soul. I don’t want to leave her, but it could never work, not after what I’ve done. No matter what she says, she will end up hating me. “I don’t want you to go.”

She screams my name over and over, begging me to come back to her. Pleading with me to stay and be her everything. My Jenn. It just isn’t possible to be everything to someone, if you can see nothing in yourself. As much as it hurts, I have to get in my car and drive away from her. I don’t have a choice.

Shifting the car into drive, I pull away and watch as she drops to her knees. Tears streaming as she screams for me one last time before burying her face in her hands. Taking a breath, I start to stop the car. I want to go to her, but I can’t.

This is how it has to be.

My eyes fly open and I gasp for breath. I reach beside me, but only find cold, empty sheets. A cold sweat breaks out over my skin as I remind myself that I am alone in my room. Just like I wanted, like I deserve.

Deciding to get some air, I throw off the covers and climb out of bed. Sleep won’t be happening tonight, which is nothing new. Grabbing my jeans, I shove into them before digging a shirt from my bag, and putting on my shoes.

I’ll do tonight what I always do: keep watch and busy myself until it’s time to move the group to the next tour stop. When I am in the chaos of everything that is Shaft, I am in my element. Aiden may be the control freak, but he has nothing on the amount of power I possess without even batting an eyelash. It’s a fucking rush, I’ll give him that, but eventually the high wears off and you’re left wanting.

I am a protector, it’s what I have done nearly my entire life. I’ve sacrificed everything I have ever wanted or needed for those around me for the greater good. One for all and all for one; yeah, that’s our motto. Sure, there is an amount of pride that comes along with such selfless acts, but there’s also a degree of loneliness. Cold sheets are a constant reminder that I am still alone.

It’s times like these, when everyone is cuddled in their beds, that I have time to miss all that I don’t have. It’s in these moments that everything I have given up outweighs everything I have. Sometimes it weighs my shoulders down so heavily that it fucking hurts to breathe, let alone exist.

It is the only thing that weakens me, and that’s when the memories flood back and consume me. When the monster buried inside me cries out in agony, never to be heard. No one can know what lies beneath the man who is always watching; no one is allowed to get that close. The ultimate act of defense. The pain I bottle up has to stay contained in order not to hurt anyone else.

It’s my burden to bear.

Still, I need to be needed and this is how I fill that void. Being Big Man—the man behind the Shaft, as they say— gives me purpose beyond finding that person who completes me, the one who understands me. I’ll never have that because I am unable to fully trust anyone. I am the one people trust, the most reliable person in our group. It simply comes with the role that I play. You need something, you come to me, and I handle it without question. I control every aspect of our lives; even Aiden won’t challenge me when it comes to how I run things.

It’s a battle that I fight within myself every minute of every day. One that will only end with one casualty. Me. I have no doubt that this excruciating empty ache will be the thing that kills me in the end, because no injury I have sustained has ever hurt so much.

I am so damn tired and there’s no rest in sight.

“
S
howtime
,” I call, tapping on the Green Room door before swinging it open. “T-minus eleven minutes.”

Cam and Chase stand huddled over Daisy’s shoulder as she sits at the table facing Hunter. Aiden and Gray stand leaning against the wall, their eyes focused on the scene as it plays out. X-rated Scrabble around here is serious business. One wrong play, and it can turn into pandemonium.

“Need a minute, Big Man. Daisy is about to lose her ass,” Hunter says, grinning wickedly as he stares her down. Daisy says nothing, just toys with her Scrabble tiles. That merely taunts him. “Come on, it’s time to put up or shut up. We both know I’ve got you, baby momma.”

“Oh, Hunter, when will you stop underestimating me?” Daisy scolds, standing to her bright green open toed heels. Placing her tiles down, she looks up at him and winks. “I sure hope that you’ve been manscaping.”

“Time to suit up and hit the stage in that sexy little thong of yours, baby.” Chase laughs, walking around the table toward him. Leaning down, she presses a kiss to his cheek.

“T-H-R-U-S-T, yep that’s good for nine points, but the ‘H’ is on a triple letter space,” Aiden says, scribbling on a notepad. “HA! Guess what, fucknut? That gives Daisy ninety-seven over your ninety-five.”

“I shoulda made her play Candy Land,” Hunter groans. Standing to his feet, he yanks his shirt over his head. “At least I can still beat Jazzie at that game.”

“You’re full of shit.” I laugh. “She beat both you
and
Mack last night.” When he turns to face me to argue, I tilt my head down and glare at him over the rim of my sunglasses. “Four times too, if I counted right.”

“Damn women,” Hunter grumbles, stripping down to his bright yellow thong. “One day, Big Man, I’ll get you to strip down again. Next time, it’ll be in a thong.” Walking past me, Hunter hands me his clothes before slapping his ass with both hands. “My cock’s hard! We all know what that means: it’s showtime!”

“Or you could be breathing?” I snort, opening the door.

“I’m gonna let that slide because it’s your birthday, you big fucker. Hitting the big four zero has your biological cock ticking and that’s making you pissy.”

“Nah, only problem I have is trying not to step on cockzilla when I get out of bed in the morning.”

Holding open the door, I watch as everyone files out and heads down the hallway toward the stage. The guys have sold out the arena in Austin and the crowd has been going insane since the doors opened. My eyes scan each doorway and each dark corridor for anyone that may have gotten around the event security. It’s my job to keep everyone safe, to protect the family that we have grown to be. I couldn’t be more proud of the teenage boys I helped raise, and the men that they have become. Grayson, Daisy, Cam and Chase have all become a vital part of my everyday life as well, along with Hunter’s daughter, Jasmine, and Daisy and Grayson’s son, Brannon.

I am happy to see everyone finding their place in life, it’s not like it’s their fault if it’s hard for me to watch sometimes.

To know that I once had a shot at happiness like that and gave it up only makes the burn that much more painful, especially, when I’m alone. The hurt that I had was pushed back and buried until Katheryn. She reminded me that feeling those things for someone was possible. Finding a soft, warm body curled into yours every morning and not having the immediate disconnect of a one night stand made me feel comfortable. She broke through barriers that I thought were secure.

I was wrong.

Security, it’s what I do best, and yet, my walls were breached and I was left to deal with the consequences. Not only did it leave me vulnerable, but it left all of us exposed, which means we weren’t safe. There is nothing left to say or do. Nothing can fix it now. Katheryn had another agenda and my feelings for her didn’t matter once I knew what she was.

A snake.

Without trust there is nothing to build a future on. My head and my heart both knew I couldn’t trust her no matter how much I wanted to cling to the comfort I found in her. I was blinded by filling that void in my life and nearly hurt everyone I care about in the process. I hadn’t let anyone get that close to me in my entire life.

No one but Jenn.

“All right, everyone, get those hands in, we’ve got a show to do,” Gray says once we reach the stage.

Everyone knows the drill: hands in to bond us all together before the show and we’ll do it again once it’s over. Now that everyone is more settled into their lives, and we have evolved into a more grounded family unit, this is one of the new Shaft Traditions.

“Time to rock out with my cock out, on three!” Hunter shouts over the sound of the chanting crowd.

“That’s exactly why no one lets you lead these,” I say, tossing Hunter’s clothes next to a bucket of water bottles on ice on a nearby table, then cover their hands with mine. “Let’s tear up Austin so we can get back to the hotel before the rugrats kill Lacy and Mack both. Let’s just do ‘Shaft’ on three.”

“1… 2… 3…” Grayson counts with a grin spreading across his face.

“Shaft!” everyone shouts in unison as our hands fly above our heads.

“I’m so fuckin’ ready to get on that stage!” Hunter shouts, bouncing on the balls of his feet.

Aiden heads out first; climbing behind his kit, his foot slamming on the pedal immediately setting the rhythm. Camaron and Daisy sit on their stools as Grayson wails on his guitar. Aiden answers back, the two dueling with no words and the crowd eats it up.

“Motherfuckers,” Hunter grumbles, grabbing his bass guitar. Stepping out onto the stage, he tosses the strap around his neck. “Hello, Austin, how the fuck are ya?” he shouts into the mic. “Don’t you love my outfit?”

The crowd screams, and even though I can’t see his face, I know that fucker is smiling like a cat who got the cream while soaking up every ounce of attention.

I fire off a quick text to Mack to check in and get a reply saying that everything is fine, so I force myself to focus back on the here and now. Leaning against the wall, I cross my arms over my chest and scan the perimeter, keeping my eye on event security down in front as well, while the guys rock song after song until Chase finally joins them on stage for their duets. My job while the guys are on stage is to make sure the ladies are taken care of, period. Watched over, protected, and that’s what I do. I’m in the shadows, always watching as I hide behind the smoke screen of their fame and that’s how I like it.

The last song of the set finishes, and I prepare to usher them out, but Hunter says nothing. Instead, Aiden leans into the mic set up at his kit that he rarely uses. “Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, we want to ask a favor. We need your help sending out a very happy fuckin’ birthday to Henry. You may know him as the big, intimidating shadow that follows all of us constantly, but he’s a whole lot more than that. He is not only our head of security and our friend, he’s family.” The guys turn and face our end of the stage, Aiden points a drumstick in my direction in salute. Chase runs over and starts clapping and laughing with Daisy and Cam. I can feel my face heating, I don’t like attention being called to me. I’m a private person, I like the shadows and they know that. Tonight, however, it seems they are up to no good. “He’s the man behind the Shaft, so to speak. None of what we do is possible without him.”

The crowd goes insane, screaming and chanting. Hunter grins and grinds his hips into the butt of his guitar and leans into the mic. “Austin, you’ve left me used and spent. Get drunk, fuck, and be merry, for the next time you see me, I’ll be married. Good night!”

Standing to his feet, Aiden leaps over his kit to the stage below, tossing his sticks into the crowd. “Hell yes, time to get our party on at the beach,” he says, wrapping his arms around Camaron the minute he gets off stage. “Two weeks on the beach, a beer in my hand, and my wife’s sexy ass in nothing more than a bikini? Sounds like Heaven.”

Everyone gathers like before the show, hands in, and the team is reconnected after yet another successful performance. It may sound corny, or even a little childish, but after all that we have been through as a group in the last two years this is something we all look forward to. Those moments when we come together as a unit and celebrate what we have overcome by simply being able to stand here today are a victory in themselves.

“The crowd looks a little restless without an encore,” Hunter says, waggling his brows. “Maybe, I should go back out and give ‘em one of my own since Gray doesn’t feel like blarin’ a sappy spooner song.”

“Put your pants on, sweetheart, ‘Burban’s waitin’ out back,” I argue, tossing Hunter his clothes. Moving toward the hallway, I scan it carefully as I wait for Hunter to dress, anxious to get them all behind closed doors where I can relax. Out in public, I am constantly on guard for anything and everything. One small thing can lead to disastrous blowback for everyone and that’s something we can’t afford.

Not again.

“I can’t wait to see Big Man relax,” Daisy says with a laugh as we start down the hall. Turning, she grins at me. “You’ll have no excuses on a private island to do anything but unwind.”

Ignoring her comment, I hurry my pace down the empty hallway until I see two men wearing “Event Security” t-shirts standing by the back door. “Thanks for having us,” I say, shaking their hands.

Both men are big ass guys, but I tower over both of them without a problem. “It was a great show. Have a good night,” the taller of the two says, pushing open the door without checking the environment around him. Slacker. This is why I refuse every time Ironsound Records suggests we bring in more security. Most of the security are worried more about the perks of this life than making sure their marks are protected. Sure, it leaves Mack and myself handling all ten of us on any given day, but we get the job done.

My senses go on high alert the minute I step outside onto the pavement. Grabbing my keys from my pocket, I hit the buttons, unlocking all the doors and starting the engine with the remote.

“Call Mack, have him let Lacy know that we are on the way now,” I say to Aiden as everyone piles into the SUV.

Walking around to the driver’s side, I climb behind the wheel. Shifting into park, I pull out of the lot and head for the hotel. My mind wanders as I watch the mirrors to make sure we aren’t being followed. Everyone chatters and unwinds from the show, all in their own ways.

Gray and Daisy are snuggled up in the back, while Aiden and Cam are on their phones handling the business end of things. Hunter sits in the passenger seat beside me, watching me. Taking a deep breath, I say the words I have repeated a million times since they started planning their wedding.

“There are no strippers, Hunter.”

When I look over at him, his face sags in defeat. “I had such high hopes for you, Big Man,” he says, slumping in his seat. “This is why I’m passing all my wisdom on to Mack so he can carry on the legacy.”

“Stop it, Hunter,” Chase says with a laugh from behind us. “We are having joint bachelor and bachelorette parties and you’re going to love every minute.”

Hunter chuckles, shrugging his shoulders as he looks at her in the rearview mirror, “We can have a private party,” he says waggling his brows at her. “I’m demanding that since you wouldn’t take my suggestion on the wedding date.”

“Getting married in October on the beach?” she asks in disbelief. “Are you insane? It would be freezing.”

“I’d keep you warm,” he argues. “Besides, is there any month better to get hitched than Cocktober?”

Opting to keep us under the radar, I pull into the parking garage of the hotel instead of dropping them at the front entrance. Grabbing a spot as close to the elevator as possible, I shut off the engine and climb out to get a look around before anyone gets out.

Luckily, it’s well past midnight and that works in my favor with crowd control. “Everybody out,” I say, tapping the window.

“I still can’t get either of them,” Aiden says, climbing from the backseat.

“I text Lacy to check on the kids right before you took the stage, Aiden,” Daisy says, brushing him off as they walk up to the elevator. “I’m sure they are just asleep, since the kids went down hours ago. You worry too much.”

“No excuse for Mack,” I say, stepping into the elevator once I am sure everyone is inside. “He’s on call until I say otherwise. No exceptions.” Shoving the key for the penthouse into the lock, I wait as the elevator slowly climbs floors.

The doors open, allowing me to step out onto the top floor of the hotel. Even though it is just us on this floor, I still scan the hallway. Three times. Stepping up to the door to the suite I share with everyone except Camaron, Aiden, and Mack, I slip the card key in and open the door right into hell. Mack has Lacy, the nanny, bent over the dining room table as he drives into her from behind. Their pants and moans echo off the walls making the girls gasp. “What the fuck is going on in here!” I roar, jolting them into action.

Mack jumps from her, shoving himself into his jeans while Lacy is left to fumble for her dress on the floor at their feet. “I’m so sorry,” she stammers, attempting to cover herself while running from the room. The poor girl is clearly mortified while Mack acts like he didn’t just get caught playing hide the cock on the clock.

Chaos explodes around me, everyone shouting and demanding answers, while Mack says nothing. “I’m going to check on Brannon,” Daisy says, hauling ass down the hall with Chase right behind her, no doubt going to check on Jasmine.

Walking over to the table, I rip off my sunglasses and slam my hands down onto the wood, silencing everyone immediately. The only sound is my shades clattering to the floor at my feet. “Everyone, quiet!” I shout, hoping to restore order and get some sort of control over this clusterfuck of a situation. When my eyes meet Mack’s, his widen in shock. “Dominick, this isn’t gonna fuckin’ fly with me and you know it. You were supposed to be over here keeping your eye on things,” I growl, hoping to drive my point home on how serious this is. Communication between him and me is vital. It is what keeps everyone safe. It is what kept them alive when we nearly lost Daisy and Camaron to Tad’s attempt at revenge. “How can I trust you when push comes to shove if you can’t keep sight of what’s really important here?”