No More Mr. Nice Guy! (4 page)

With these warnings aside, if what you have read so far makes sense, keep reading. The following chapters contain information that can help you break free from the Nice Guy Syndrome and start getting what you want in love and life.

Breaking Free Activity #2

Why would it seem rational for a person to try to eliminate or hide certain things about himself and try to become something different unless there was a significant compelling reason for him to do so? Why do people try to change who they really are?

Chapter

The Making

Of A Nice Guy

I concluded the previous chapter with the question, "Why would it seem rational for a person to try to eliminate or hide certain things about himself and try to become something different unless there was a significant compelling reason for him to do so? Why do people try to change who they really are?"

After spending years examining the Nice Guy Syndrome from every possible angle, there is only one answer to this question that makes sense:
Because it does not feel safe or acceptable for a boy or man
to be just who he is.
Becoming a Nice Guy is a way of coping with situations where it does not feel safe or acceptable for a boy or man to be just who he is. Further, the only thing that would make a child or an adult sacrifice one's self by trying to become something different is a belief that being just who he is must be a bad and/or dangerous thing.

The premise of this book is that during their formative years, all Nice Guys received messages from their families and the world around them that it was not safe, acceptable, or desirable for them to be who they were, just as they were.

So how did Nice Guys receive these messages and why did they respond to them in the way that they did? The following is a short course on how families and society turn perfect little boys into men who believe they have to be "good" in order to be loved.

Coping With Abandonment

The most impressionable time in an individual's life is from birth to about five years. In these first few years a child's personality is most significantly influenced by his surroundings. It is during this time that his paradigms begin to be established. Since the strongest influences during this time are usually a child's parents and extended family, this is where we must begin our examination of the origins of the Nice Guy Syndrome.

There are two important facts we must understand about children. First, when children come into the world they are
totally helpless
. They are dependent on others to recognize and respond to their needs in a timely, judicious manner. As a result of this dependency, every child's greatest fear is abandonment.

To children, abandonment means death.

Second, children are
ego-centered
. This means that they inherently believe they are the center of the universe and everything revolves around them. Therefore, they believe that they are the
cause
of everything that happens to them.

These two factors — their fear of abandonment and their ego-centeredness — create a very powerful dynamic for all children.
Whenever a child experiences any kind of abandonment he will always
believe that he is the cause of what has happened to him.
These abandonment experiences might include any of the following experiences:

●
He is hungry and no one feeds him.

●
He cries and no one holds him.

●
He is lonely and no one pays attention to him.

●
A parent gets angry at him.

●
A parent neglects him.

●
A parent puts unrealistic expectations on him.

●
A parent uses him to gratify his or her own needs.

●
A parent shames him.

●
A parent hits him.

●
A parent doesn't want him.

●
A parent leaves him and doesn't come back in a timely manner.

Because every child is born into an imperfect world and into an imperfect family, every child has abandonment experiences.
Even though their belief that they are the cause of these painful events is,
in fact, an inaccurate interpretation of their life, children have no other way to understand the
world.

Toxic Shame

These abandonment experiences and the naive, ego-centered interpretation of them, creates a belief in some young children that it is not acceptable for them to be who they are, just as they are. They conclude that
there must be something wrong with them, which causes the important people in their lives
to abandon them
. They have no way of comprehending that their abandonment experiences are not caused by something about them, but by the people who are supposed to recognize and meet their needs.

This naive, ego-centered interpretation of their abandonment experiences creates a psychological state called
toxic shame
. Toxic shame is the belief that one is inherently bad, defective, different, or unlovable. Toxic shame is not just a belief that one does bad things, it is a deeply held core belief that one
is bad
.

Survival Mechanisms

As a result of these abandonment experiences and the faulty interpretation of these events, all children develop survival mechanisms to help them do three very important things:
1) Try to cope with the emotional and physical distress of being abandoned.

2) Try to prevent similar events from happening again.

3) Try to hide their internalized toxic shame (or perceived badness) from themselves and others.

Children find a multitude of creative ways to try to accomplish these three goals. Since their insight, experience, and resources are limited, these survival mechanisms are often ineffective and sometimes, seemingly illogical. For instance, a child who is feeling lonely may misbehave in a way that is sure to attract his parent's attention in a negative way. Even though it may seem illogical for a child to do something that invites painful or negative attention, the consequences of the behavior may not feel as bad as feeling lonely or isolated.

Trying to be "good" — trying to become what he believes others want him to be — is just one of many possible scripts that a little boy might form as the result of childhood abandonment experiences and the internalization of toxic shame.

The Origin Of The Nice Guy Paradigm

When I first began exploring my own Nice Guy attitudes and behaviors I had no idea how all the pieces fit together. I believed that I came from a pretty good family and had lived a pretty good life. When I began observing other men with traits similar to my own, I encountered the same general lack of insight into the origins of their own emotional and behavioral patterns.

When questioned about their childhood, Nice Guys frequently tell me they grew up in "perfect," "great,"

"Leave It To Beaver," or "All-American" families. Nevertheless, these men learned to hide their flaws and tried to become what they believed others wanted them to be. These factors indicate that at some point in their early lives, their circumstances were less than ideal.

Alan, Jason, and Jose are all Nice Guys. Each of these men had different childhood experiences. They are all unique in the way that their Nice Guy scripts are played out in their adult lives. In spite of these differences, they all developed a core belief in childhood that they were not OK just as they were. As a result of their internalized toxic shame, each developed a life paradigm that involved seeking approval and hiding perceived flaws. All of these men believed that these life strategies were necessary if they were to have any hope of being loved, getting their needs met, and having a problem-free life.

Alan

The oldest of three children in a single parent family, Alan prided himself on having never caused his mother a moment's pain. As a child, he performed well in sports and school. He believed that these things set him apart from his siblings and made his mother proud. Alan was the first person in his family to get a college degree, another factor he believed made him special.

Alan's father, an abusive alcoholic, abandoned the family when Alan was seven. At an early age, Alan made a decision to be 180 degrees different from his father. As a result, he prided himself on being patient, giving, and even-keeled. Alan worked hard to never be angry or demeaning like his father. He was an active leader in his youth group at church and never drank alcohol or did drugs as a teenager.

Alan's mother, a fundamentalist Christian, raised Alan in a sect that preached hell-fire and brimstone. He came to believe that he was a "sinner" for having normal thoughts, impulses, and behaviors. Though he always worked hard to be a good Christian, he lived with a constant fear that he might make a mistake and suffer everlasting punishment.

Alan believed his mother was a saint. She would do anything for her children. She would listen and wasn't critical. Frequently, she and Alan would commiserate with each other about all the "bad" things his dad did.

On more than one occasion, Alan's mother told him that she was trying to raise her sons to be different from their father. She wanted them to grow up to be giving, peaceful, and respectful of women. As an adult, Alan still stays in close touch with his mother and does whatever he can to help make her life easier.

Jason

Jason, introduced in Chapter One, believed he grew up in a "Leave It To Beaver" family. In reality, both of Jason's parents lived through their children. Though he saw his childhood as "ideal", in actuality, his parents used him and his siblings to meet their own needs.

Jason believed his parents were "perfect." He described them as being strict and overprotective. He acknowledged that he was sheltered and sexually naive and admitted that he might have been smothered by his parents.

Jason's father closely directed the family. Jason reported that his father still tried to control Jason's life.

Jason shared a chiropractic practice with his father who ran the business and told Jason what house he should buy, what car to drive, and what church he should attend.

Jason described his mother as a "wonderful, loving woman." He reported that she was always involved with the kids. With no friends of her own, she turned to her children for companionship and affirmation of her worth.

Jason couldn't remember his parents showing much affection to each other. He couldn't picture them having sex, and wondered how they made three kids. Even though they did lots of things with the children, he couldn't remember them ever going out or taking a vacation just by themselves.

As an adult, Jason tried to live up to the image of perfection portrayed by his parents. Everything he did was calculated to look good: he looked like a good husband, a good father, a good Christian, and a good professional. In spite of all his efforts, he always felt inadequate and defective compared to his parents.

Jose

A successful business consultant, Jose was afraid of intimate relationships. Jose was highly educated and had a stressful, high-powered career. He was physically active and his idea of recreation was taking a hundred-mile bike ride or climbing a mountain. He repressed his anger and tried to never say anything that would upset anyone. He saw himself as controlling and acknowledged that his drug of choice was

"recognition."

Jose was attracted to dependent women. He found it interesting that he seemed to be attracted to incest survivors. He stayed in his present relationship because he was concerned about the financial welfare of his girlfriend. He was afraid she wouldn't make it if he left.

Jose openly acknowledged that he came from a dysfunctional family. He was the second of seven children in a lower class family. At around the age of 14, he took on the role of parenting his younger siblings. Jose reported that there was tremendous chaos in his family and he saw his job as protecting his brothers and sisters from its effects.

Jose saw his father as angry, controlling, and abusive. He was explosive and demeaning to the boys and sexually abusive to the girls.

Jose's mother was manic-depressive. She had extreme mood swings and had a difficult time staying on her medication. When she was manic, the house would be spotless, she would talk of entertaining politicians and socialites, and she would begin destructive sexual relationships. When she was depressed, she kept the windows covered, the house became a wreck, and she would threaten to kill herself. When he was 15, Jose had to break through a locked door and take a loaded gun away from his mother. She had been threatening suicide while all seven kids stood by terrified. Jose saw this as a typical scenario growing up in his home.

Jose worked hard all of his life to be different from his family. His family had him on a pedestal and he was the one to whom everyone turned whenever they had a problem. His job as a family member was fixing chaos. His job as a business consultant was fixing chaos. His role in relationships was fixing chaos. Jose's life script required chaos, because without it, he would be out of a job.