Nice Guys Don't Finish Last (17 page)

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.”
-1 Corinthians 13:4-13

Even Tyrell told me he thinks I am oblivious to relationships & I settled for someone I did not want to be with. All we do is argue over petty stuff, and Jeremey says I’m too aggressive & defensive. But I can’t help the way I am; people attempt to brand me into an angry person. I am not angry, I just refuse to tolerate the disrespect they present to me; it is unbearable.

“New message,” the phone alerted. At this point, reading messages from him unparsed me. In the message, Jeremy claimed he was wedged in traffic from a car accident on I-95. If I get that lie one more time, I will shoot myself.

There is a guy named Anton from FaceBook, who wants to take me out this weekend. But I am thinking about saying “fuck it”, and go on a date with him. I mean, he never said he wanted to have sex with me. He just wants to take me out, nothing more & nothing less. Besides, Anton is one of the best looking guys I’ve ever laid eyes on. I don’t know how I will be able to compose myself.

“New message,” the phone alerted again. I checked the message icon to read the inbox message.
“I’m outside,” the message read as I grew tired of waiting, but agreed to share quality time with him after my busy schedule doing the school’s production of the “The Wiz”.
“Hey son,” my father spoke as he walked in our spacious living room area.
“Hey pops, what’s going on,” I hesitantly asked eager he would ask me to sing him for him tonight at ‘Kicking it With the Kings’.
“Nothing much, I need to head to the church in a few minutes to prepare for the show. You are still singing the solo for Cedric, right,” he asked.
“About that? I may not be able to make it,” I said.
“Why not, son,” he asked.
“Because I promised one of my friends I would support her at a singing gig she’s tonight,” I lied.
“So you tell me what’s more important, supporting a friend at a singing gig that worships Devil music or performing for the Lord, while your father preaches,” he asked. The displeasing expression on his face worked against my defenselessness. He constantly had the power to use guilt trips & challenge me to reconsider my decisions.
“Okay, how about I sing there… then leave early to watch my friend perform,” I suggested.
“Delmar, I want you there the entire time. You know that,” he said.
“Okay, how about this? When I come from the mall, I will go straight to the church and sing the solo and watch you preach, then go to my friend’s performance. I want to be able to support you both,” I smiled trusting my puppy dog eyes would somehow convince him. My dad & I have an odd relationship, he preaches & tour around the nation so I don’t see him often. But when I do, it’s something so strange about it. I know we both care & love each other, but we’ve never had the typical father & son bond. While most guys were at football & basketball games with their dads, I was at Sunday school reading Christian books & attending children’s ministries. I have lived a much sheltered and misguided life. At the age of nineteen, I finally have knowledge about the ‘real world’.
“Ummm, okay. I guess you could do that, but make sure you get to the church early. Don’t disappoint me son,” he said in the blankest stare.
“Thanks dad. Well, let me get out of here,” I said walking towards the front door.
“Where are you going,” he asked.
“I’m about to go to the mall, I’ll see you at the church,” I said turning the knob as the alarm system shrieked.
“Okay be safe, and be there by six, son,” he said.
“Okay dad,” I said leaving out the door to find Jeremey in the car wit a disgruntled expression on his face.
“What’s wrong with you,” I asked.
“Nothing, what took so long,” he asked.
“I talked to my dad, he wants me to still perform at the church tonight and I don’t really want to.”
“So what are you going to do?”
“I’m going have to go, I guess.”
“Man, you need to stand up to your folks one day. You are nineteen and they still control what you’re doing & not doing,” he said reluctantly.
“Excuse me, don’t tell me what I need to do. What you need to do is mind your damn business and keep your eyes on the road! As long as I live with my parents, I must obey my parents’ rules,” I yelled furiously, as the wind beat my eyes while the car moved.
“Well, no better way to put it. You live for your parents, and it is not right to me. You have to begin living for you, and stand up for yourself. I’m not saying you have to be disrespectful to them, but tell them you had plans. I know you’re into church, and they want you to be that way, but what way do you want to be, Delmar?”
“Jeremey, can we just drop it because you don’t understand.”
“I do understand. I don’t think you understand, you allow them to rule your life. It’s okay for them to guide you, but to tell you what you can or cannot do isn’t okay. You are almost twenty,” he said.
“And you have to understand that you really need to drop it,” I yelled.
“Okay, if that’s what you want then I will. But I only provide you with advice because I care about you & I love you.” “You what?”
“I said I only provide you with advice because-.” “No, after that?”
“Oh, I said I love you,” he said passionately. I never heard someone outside my family use that phrase towards me. I wasn’t too sure how I felt about it either.
“You don’t love me,” I said.
“Yes, I do.”
“No, you don’t. You love the ‘idea’ of me. But you don’t love me,” I insisted.
“How are you going to tell me what I feel? I am a grown ass man who has way more experience than you kiddo, and I know when I feel it,” he yelled.
“How are you going to love someone you argue with everyday,” I asked.
“Because there’s something called UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, Delmar,” he yelled.
“We’ve only known each other for three months. You don’t love me, Jeremey,” I said calmly.
“So, love has a time frame now,” he asked.
“I never said that---.”

“Well basically you are! It’s impossible for me to love you because we’ve only known each other for three months. There are couples who fall in love over the course of a week; and have been married for over thirty years. So anything is possible,” he yelled.

“No, I refuse to believe you love me. There’s nothing to love about me.”
“You know what, Delmar… just drop it, man. I’m not entertaining you, right now,” he yelled.
“Oh you are not entertaining right now, huh? Well, drop me off right here,” I yelled.
“What? We are on Liberty Road and you don’t know anything about buses,” he said.
“I have friends, I can find my way home,” I yelled.
“Well get out then,” he pulled into the McDonalds parking lot.
“I am motherfucker, just hold on,” I yelled.
“You’re so stupid, someone actually loves you, and you run away from it,” he yelled.
“FUCK YOU BITCH! YOU DON’T LOVE ME,” I yelled removing from the car & slammed the door with all my

“You’ll learn your lesson,” he yelled speeding off and left me at the McDonald’s parking lot. What was I thinking? I should have at least, broke up with him after he paid for my clothes at the mall! It’s around two-hundred degrees outside.

“
Bend
your leg, Abdul. Stop being afraid, you can do it,” Natalie, the physical therapist yelled as I yearned to stretch my knee upwards lying on the therapy bed.

“I’m really trying,” I yelled.
“Try harder, you’re in the Marines. I’m sure you fight much harder than that,” she yelled bending my knee & it was the most excruciating pain I’ve ever felt in my life.
“Well, it’s a good thing you can actually feel this. I remember there was a time when you could not feel anything. You are progressing well,” she stated and I instantly got a flashback of my first day meeting her. It felt like the crazy butch tried to kill me, more than help. Especially when she’d crack both of my legs, chewing gum simultaneously like it was a piece-of-cake to initiate misery. Sometimes I wanted to yank her by her short blond tresses, and beat the daylight out of her. But now I realize she was doing her job, and she’s good at what she does. Although, she can be very demanding & aggressive like those sergeants I can’t stand to obey.
“You are right,” I said breathless like I pulled a 35,000 pound bus. This is the most painful thing anyone should have to endure; I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
“I think we’re finished for today, I’ll see you next Tuesday,” she said.
“I want to walk without my cane,” I demanded.
“You do,” she asked.
“Yes.”
“Okay, well grab my hand,” she reached her left hand to grip mine and lifted my upper body from the bed, turning my lower body facing her. My feet reached the floor, as she held my waist to lift the lower part.
“Aaaahhh,” I screamed while the pains in my leg throbbed against the bed.
“You must feel the sensation in your legs from stretching, but it’s normal. What I want you to do is walk towards that wall over there,” she pointed her finger at the wall on my right. I instantly became frightened; it felt like a nine month old trying to meet his mother half-way. Of course, I didn’t want Natalie to smell my fear. If I allowed her to see I’m afraid, then I will feel defeated. Defeat is not in my nature; my purpose is to always win! I will not stand for failure.
After standing on my feet, which was the easiest part, I moved my right foot as Natalie held me by the waist. My right knee began to shake uncontrollably and I caught myself fall.
“It’s alright, Abdul… just take your time,” she whispered in my ear. She slowly unraveled her hands from my waist to freely step away from her.
I paced my left foot, and buckled my right knee to catch me lest I fall. I reached for the wall with my hands, which felt like a shift between each step. I had to make it to the other side, reminiscent of Nancy from “Nightmare on Elm Street” wearisome to run to her room, until Freddy trapped her in his world of quicksand. The wall is Nancy’s room, and my legs are the quicksand & I can’t seem to get to the other side.
“Go for it, Abdul. You can do it,” she encouraged me. I focused on the wall to distract me from thinking too hard about the steps. The veins ran through my legs & my blood pumped harder than a factory machine. I could feel the wall moving towards me & suddenly--- my feet depleted from underneath & I collapsed on the floor.
“Oh my God, are you okay,” Natalie asked as her white face boiled red, and she ran towards me in panic.
“I’m good, but your job is to catch me when I fall,” I said calmly, in contrast to how I really felt.
“I am so sorry, but you did. You didn’t make it to the finish line, but you did it,” she kneeled to grab my hand & slowly lifted me on ground. I know I should have been proud of myself for at least walking without a crutch. But I felt like a complete failure, as she handed the cane back to me. Metaphorically speaking, I was an infant walking on his own, back to being an ‘old man’ on his cane.

It
was a beautiful day in the sun, and I decided to have lunch with my mother at the Cheesecake Factory in Columbia. Although my mother & I have shared our likes of great food and restaurants, the Cheesecake Factory will always remain my favorite for their pleasant service & delightful atmosphere. I’ve always been captivated by the Egyptian concept the restaurant was modeled after. It was decorated in orange & brown to make it appear ancient.

Every time we walk in the restaurant I’m reminded of how I was a little boy excited to get a slice of their Red Velvet cheesecake, and pretend like I was Aladdin running away from the thieves who tried to capture me.

“How is your salad,” my mother asked as I demolished every bit of lettuce left on the plate & drowned it with my ranch dressing. I have not recorded my calories lately, but a few doesn’t hurt.

“My salad is good, do you want to try some,” I asked stuffing my fork into the grilled chicken ready to devour it into my mouth.

“Mother, put your phone away. You know there isn’t a soul calling you,” I laughed.
“Nicolas, now don’t you start with me today. I met this guy while I was getting my brakes fixed this morning and he seemed really nice,” she said drinking her glass of pink lemonade.
“Ma, please. Are you even going to call him?”
“I think I will, he seemed like he was nice. And he probably had a lot of money too,” she laughed.
My mother is one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen, in their late-forties. She has beautiful sun-kissed brown skin, long flowy thick hair, a very curvy figure & has been a successful criminal lawyer for almost fifteen years. But she doesn’t live enough, and realize what she has to offer and it upsets me. Pretending she wants to date, but she avoids anything that has to do with a man. I wonder why she cannot find a man… I don’t know if she’s running them away or giving them a fair chance.
“You say all of this now, and then tomorrow I’m going to ask you if you talked to him and you’re going to make up some lame excuse, as usual,” I said.
“Anyways… how is that partner of yours,” she said slicing through her salad aggressively, like she was fighting off a mass murderer.
“ABDUL… is fine. It wouldn’t hurt for you to say his name sometimes, mother,” I insisted as the waitress came out with our two entrees, herb crusted salmon for my mother & Louisiana Chicken for me.
“If there is anything else you need, don’t hesitate to call me. Enjoy your meals,” the waitress said.
“Thanks,” we responded simultaneously as she walked away.
“So… how have you and Abdul been? You two haven’t done a lot of arguing, have you,” she asked.
“Lately, we get along. Our communication is better, and I think maybe we should go to a counselor to help us maintain on track.”
“A counselor? What is it you can learn from a counselor you can’t learn on your own,” she asked.
“Well for starters, they have a license for it. Sometimes it’s great for a mediator to listen to both sides of the story and help out.”
“Yeah, but these counselors want nothing but money. They don’t care about your problems; you two should just hire me as your counselor for all of that.”
“Why? So we can have bias advice from my own mother in the middle of my relationship? I don’t think so.”
“How would my advice be bias?”
“Because you don’t care for Abdul, and you’ll find anything to be against him. Not only that, but I’m your son. You are going to take my side.”
“That’s not true at all, I love Abdul. I just can’t get past what he did to my baby.”
“Yeah, well it’s time to get over it. He did it a year ago, I’m letting it go. So you let it go too.”
“Well, you are the only son I have. It’s my will to protect you. What kind of mother would I be if I didn’t?”
“Ma, can we just let it go please?”
“Okay, I will let it go. But I don’t think going to a counselor would help, and the relationship would be doomed.”
“Doomed? With all due respect ma, when was the last time you had a man,” I asked taking a bite out of my chicken.
“Excuse me. You will not ask me questions like that.”
“Well, I’m just trying to get you to understand that I’ve been in this for three years. You haven’t been with a man for the past ten years, how are you going to give me advice on something you don’t have the answer to,” I avoided eye contact with her because there is a line you shouldn’t cross when it is someone you care about. I know that her not having a man is a touchy subject, but if I didn’t listen to her unhelpful advice to begin with, then I would have visited a counselor with Abdul eons ago.
“NICOLAS, I know you better watch your god damn mouth,” she gritted her teeth ready to rip my head from my shoulders.
Two years ago, my mother helped Abdul get the job at the detention center and I think she feels betrayed by him because he stirred me wrong. But we both have to get past what he did a year ago. I must stop allowing her to be the center of our relationship because it has affected our growth. I know she wants what is best for me, but she has to allow me to grow up, and needs to grow up herself.
“Okay, maybe I shouldn’t have said that. But I am twenty two years old. I’m not a baby anymore.”
“I understand that, but when I see that something isn’t right I have to intervene.”
“You have to allow me to go grow & go through the emotions of a relationship. This is the person I really want to be with. It’s the only way I will learn.”
“Well, that’s true. If my son wants to be dumb, and be with a cheater then let him. Just don’t tell him to ask his mother for advice.”
“Ma, why does everything have to be so harsh? Instead of calling me dumb, just say you disagree with my decision but love me no matter what,” I said irritably finishing what was left of my Louisiana Chicken.
“What are you saying,” she asked with a puzzled face.
“I’m saying that you’ve always taught me how to do everything but love & compromise.”
“I’ve taught you how to do everything but love? Nico, where is this coming from? I’ve always loved you and you know that.”
“Yes, I know you love me deep down inside. But I never really hear
‘I love you’
nor have I ever had an affectionate relationship with you.”
“Now, I’ve sat here and listened to your lies long enough. You are telling a bold face lie, and I will not allow you to lie on me like that,” she gritted her teeth and cut her eyes at me harder enough to make my face bleed.
“Mommy I’m serious. It took me to be in my twenties to realize I was taught how to be an independent man and to be a good person. But I never knew what being a good person consists of until meeting Roger… then later on, Abdul.”
“Are you ready for the check,” the waitress came by the table to ask.
“Yes, please,” I answered as the waitress agreed to get the check and bring it back.
“Why you never told me this is how you felt,” my mother asked.
“I never knew the words.”
“Well, I’ve taught you all I know. All I could teach you what was passed on to me, and the things I learned growing up. I didn’t know you never felt an affectionate love by me. Do you also think I bought your love,” she asked as I could see the tears form in her eyes, and the last thing I wanted to do was make her cry. But the tough woman who fought her way in courts lying & protecting her clients wasn’t in my face. The woman who seemed like a robot, actually felt like a human being. I was happy to see this side of her, not to see her cry, but to show there’s vulnerability in her character, and that gives me strength to know that I can do the same.