Nice Guys Don't Finish Last (24 page)

The pot roast broiled heavily, I could taste the season-all & pepper in the air. I’ve never been much of a cook, but there’s nothing wrong with expanding your horizons for a man you really love, especially when everything has plummeted.

The kitchen painted in neon red, orchestrated visions in my childhood when my mother would cook dinner for the two of us, and I always made pretend my father sat in the third chair across from my mother. It’s sad the only thing I had was an imagination of what life could have been, and it alleviated the pains I went through because of it. Sometimes I would blame my mother for him leaving, I still do! My mother & I have a track record of running people away, which is why there is always drama surrounding us.

“Hey ma, just cooking pot roast, white potatoes & mixed vegetables,” I said sitting the cups on the table.
“That sounds delish,” she lifted the top off of the pot roast and realized I only set the table up for two.
“Why do you only have utensils out for two? For you and I,” she asked.
“No, for Abdul & I!”
“Where’s my plate?”
“I made enough for you, I’m just setting the table up for me and him. Since our bond has been rocky,” I said drinking bottled water, as she looked disgusted.
“Find any jobs?”
“Nope.”
“Well, you’re going have to because I refuse to take care of two grown men. Your music career isn’t budging, you need an alternative,” she said.
“Ma, not right now!”
“Well, you’re going to hear it sooner or later,” she said.
“Well, not right now. Can you for once respect that,” I asked.
“Okay fine,” she said walking away angrily. I refuse to give up my dreams because things aren’t roses at the moment.
Just as I began to get flustered with negative thoughts, my angel walked in the door, standing on his own two feet with no crutch to keep his balance. I was excited to see his expression when he realizes I cooked, but he was intense like he was dragged to hell & back.
“Baby, what’s wrong?”
“I would prefer it if you called me by my first name,” he said as I scrunched every bone in my face.
“Did something go wrong at physical therapy? What did Natalie do this time, I’m so sick of that dyke,” I yelled.
“Natalie didn’t do anything,” he said.
“Then, what’s wrong,” I asked.
“You,” he mumbled.
“Me? What did I do,” I scrunched my face confusedly.
“The question is what haven’t you done,” he exclaimed as the light bulb notion of ‘uh oh’ flashed in my head.
“What are you referring to?”
“And you’re really going to pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about,” he said.
“I’m not acting.”
“I’m referring to everything… the rendezvous at Bally’s gym, the swingers clubs you attend regularly with David, the orgies you participate in, fucking for free tracks & your affair with Tony as I suspected. Is there anything else you’d like to add to that list,” he bucked his eyes.
“Wait a minute, let’s get one thing straight, I’ve never exchanged sex for any track.”
“So are you saying that everything else is true?” “I-I never said that,” I stuttered.
“So what the fuck are you saying,” he yelled as my mother stormed downstairs to see what the argument was about.
“Abdul, now you know better using that language in my home,” she said.
“Mother, it’s okay,” I insisted.
“So what are you saying? Are any of those things true,” he asked.
Yes! They are true,” I admitted as he gave a devilish smirk & turned his back walking out of the kitchen, while I ran after him trying to grab his arm, but he pushed me away forcibly.
“What the hell is going on,” she asked.
“Ask your son. Everything we had were lies & to know you had the audacity to terrorize me for an entire year,” he smiled, as my mouth wouldn’t allow me to speak!
“Nico, what’s going on,” she asked.
“I fucked up, mama. I fucked up, big time,” I cried wishing I could rewind back & erase what I’ve done.
“So why’d you do it,” he asked rubbing his forehead. I became silent the words begged to discharge, but something in my body still wouldn’t allow them to come out. He stared at me & it was obvious his soul was crushed.
“David though, Nic? My ex & close friend that you always told me to stay away from,” he said as my mother stood around with no idea of what I did. As much as she despised Abdul, she could tell what I did was wrong. There’s no way to cover someone’s handprints left at the scene of a crime. Son or not!
“Answer me,” he said.
“Well, I was unhappy at one point. I did things in spite of you hurting me. In the beginning, I was vengeful towards you, but it became an enjoyment when I’d get a rush off not being caught. It became a hobby to me,” I expressed uncomfortably while my mother & Abdul stood there watching me speak aloud. “I began going to the swinger’s club with David a few months after you cheated on me. At first, it was innocent, but after the fourth time I had sex with my first couple & became obsessed with it. I would meet random guys at the gym and we would have sex in the restrooms,” I continued, as a tear dropped down my mother’s face in disbelief.
“And what about Tony,” he asked.
“We still have an on & off relationship. When you first got shot, my sex drive increased, and Tony & I would make love about three times a day while you were in the hospital,” I said as I felt the chunks form in the back of my throat.
“Was he the reason you wouldn’t say you loved me over the phone,” he asked.
“What do you mean?”
“When I’d call & say that I love you.”
“Yes, because I didn’t want him to feel left out. Even though, he knew you were my boyfriend. The same goes for David, he loved me too,” I said fighting back the tears waiting to erupt.
“So whose fault is that?”
“It’s David’s fault for introducing me to a dark world out there, and turning me on to the drugs, sex & satisfaction of not being caught.”
“I could kill you right now,” he said.
“Abdul, don’t talk like that in my---“
“Ms. Pat, with all due respect… fuck your house! Ever since, I’ve been here I have been miserable,” he yelled as she bucked her eyes at him and he turned his head towards me.
“Nico, I want to thank you for showing me who you truly are. An insecure & weak individual, who blames all of his problems on everyone else! The only thing you’ve ever cared about was yourself, and if there was anyone else interested in me. Why would you be so intimidated by a kid to the point you scrap him off your demo? When he sung it ten times better than you,” he yelled cutting through my skin with his words, sharper than any razor could.
“Ouch,” I said.
“It hurts doesn’t it? As much as I want to hit you right now, I won’t because I would lower myself to your standards,” he smiled.
“Oh but when you cheated on me, everything was fine & dandy right? Because you did it,” I asked.
“Again… taking the focus off Nico! I’m all out of sorry’s. Thanks for showing me how weak you are,” he murmured.
“If I’m weak, it’s because you made me this way.”
“No, you were always this way. It just took one mistake to bring the whore out of you.”
“Abdul, now I told you not to use that language in my house,” my mother said.
“I apologize! But this is the last time you two will ever see me. I will be back in a few hours to get my belongings,” he smiled walking towards the door. “And Nico I’m asking you nicely, please don’t bother trying to contact me because I have no problem getting a restraining order against you,” he walked out of the door.
I didn’t know how to feel, three to four years gone down the drain as I stood in the screen door watching him walk to his car & there was nothing I could say. I wanted to chase after him, but there was no point!
“Come on, let’s eat,” my mother said circling around the table to sit in the chair set for Abdul. As I rolled my eyes at her, and realized she’s the only person I may have.

“
Would
you like to accept a collect call from Tyrone,” the operator asked.
“Yes,” I responded as the background shifted into a noisy clutter of guys arguing.
“Hey bitch,” Ty excitedly said.
“Hey boo, how are you,” I asked laying down in bed.
“I’m in jail, how do you think I am?”
“Well, I told you to stop forging checks & stealing gift cards,” I insisted.
“Yeah, well you know I’m hardheaded. Can you believe a bitch been in jail for two weeks?”
“I know. I miss you so much, you know I don’t fuck with anybody else,” I said.
“Tell me about it. But I gained a few friends in here after whipping the trade’s ass,” he laughed.
“Lord, so much has happened since you’ve been gone,” I said.
“Really? Like what?”
“Like I found out who was going around the church

spreading rumors about me.” “Who?”
“The girl Vanessa that sung in the choir, but I put her ass

out. Apparently, she’s cousins with the boy Oscar who tried to have sex with me, but I never gave him the time or day. So I guess he told her about me,” I explained.

“Because we talked about it! I’m leaving it in the past, though.”
“Oh my God, did it get to your parents,” he sighed.
“No, but I told my mother before it got to her.”
“Shut the mother fucking front door,” he gagged. “You got me over here clenching my pearls.”
“Yes, she told me I could talk to her about anything. So that’s what I did,” I said.
“You have three minutes remaining,” the automated operator said.
“So give me details. What did she say?”
“Well, one day she saw me crying in the bathroom & asked what was wrong. I tried my best to avoid it, but I finally told her about the rumors.”
She simply told me “people are going to talk. But if you stay defensive & justify truths with lies, then they win.”
“And she’s right, continue,” he said.
“Yeah, so I told her I’m not like the other boys. She said she always knew I was different.”
“Juicy.”
“Yeah, and she asked me if I was a homosexual. And I simply nudged my head.”
“You have one minute left,” the reporter said.
“Awe bitch! What else happened,” he asked.
She said “she still loves me regardless, and that it’s our little secret we both will keep.”
“Awww, I’m so proud of you. Have you heard from Jeremey?”
“Actually, I have. We are not together, but we are trying to rekindle things. I even introduced him to my mother. Although she told me she needs to take baby steps to adjust to my lifestyle.”
“That’s good, well I’m going to get off here before they cut---,” the phone interrupted the call before Ty could complete his sentence.
Everything feels like a breath of fresh air, my mom & dad are getting a divorce. But witnessing her pain has inspired me to overlook the petty things between Jeremey & I. My mother’s happiness means the world to me, and if she’s happier single, then I support her decision.
But today I am making decisions that benefit me in the long run, I cannot continue to live for other people & hinder my growth. People are always quick to talk, whether you are doing good or bad.

Two
ninety five was oddly jam packed and at ten o’ clock p.m. I wasn’t sure if this drive to Atlanta was the right decision, considering my leg gives out on me after a certain time & my endurance is very low.

But everything that has happened this year, thus far has drained the shit out of me. From the shooting accident to the house fire to Milo dying to the nightmares and the recent break up between Nico & I.

I haven’t spoken to him in five days, and it feels rather good. I haven’t felt this empowered in ages. I never knew what it’d take for the both of us to finally part ways & truly be done with it. It seemed like anything could happen between us but we were too scared to venture out & meet other people.

It’s what I was used to knowing, the idea of giving up on him used to mortify me. But it is a pivotal moment to let go because the journey has been nothing but misery.

Do you I still love him? Yes. Am I a fool? No. If I stay, one of us will end up dead. We both were deteriorating & lost our individuality in the midst of trying to satisy each other. It’s time for me to be a better father to my daughter.

From this day forward, I’m not looking back the worst is far behind me. My experiences in Baltimore were some of the best & many of my worst. I’ve met some great people along the way and will certainly miss this place. Sometimes, you have to spontaneously abscond & start over.

I’ve
been writing the same line repeatedly and still can’t figure out if I want it to be a rhyme scheme. Considering the recent events, I just want to climb on top of the Empire state building & jump off.

The Casio keyboard sitting before me, played broken chords that weren’t good enough to sustain the notes. The light was on, but in my eyes the room remained dark as I sat on the bedroom floor pressing the keys on the keyboard. The keys sound like four goats competing in a sing-a-thon failing to hit any real note.

How could the man I shared three years of my life with, suddenly leave me? I do not understand at all!
I felt the chunks in the back of my throat draw closer to my tongue as I ran towards the bathroom that was only two feet away from my bed, and the vomit wildly escaped from my mouth appearing in the toilet.
I lied at the toilet with my mouth hovering on it, and observed my surroundings. The dizzy spells pushed a full-on effect, and it felt like the white tiled wall moved towards me as the gray-tiled floor erupted. My pulse began to beat faster than its original rate, and tears poured down my face kissing the surface of my chin. I cupped my face with my hands and tears shifted into large cries loud enough for the entire city to hear. I pushed my fist against the floor to bring myself up and felt fragile on gravity. A pitiful reflection stared at me in the silverframed mirror, as I walked towards it to get a closer look.
I was so ashamed looking in the mirror and seeing things I was not so proud of. The chinky, hazel-brown eyes that once saw happiness, is now dull with excessive bags underneath the surface. And the pink full-curled lips that were great for kissing, don’t kiss anymore. I used to live to see the day, to cherish, and to expect the unexpected. But never had I imagined that he would leave!
I threw the glass soap dish at the mirror causing it to shatter revealing different medications on the shelf including Abdul’s ambien. All the glass is either on the floor or in the sink and my foot is bleeding. But I cannot feel right now, my body is becoming desensitized, based on the current events in my life.
What the hell did I do to deserve this? I am a good man, a real man who has always been there for Abdul, and this is what the hell I get in return? He has put me through so much, and the thought of any guy receiving benefits from the lessons I’ve taught him and the man I helped create, angers me. When he had nowhere to stay, I was there for him. When he cheated on me, I stayed with him. During the entire shooting incident, I cleaned his urine, shit & fed him. And now he has himself together, he thinks he’s on top-of-the-world now, and that he can just go hurting people! I made a mistake, but I deserve to be forgiven… just like I forgave him. It’s not fair!
If there’s anything wrong I did, then it is because of him. He made me the monster I am today, and he will not take responsibility for it. I really don’t want to live right now! What is the point of living? I have no boyfriend, job, or home. What do I have to lose?
I am eyeing these ibuprofens inside the broken mirror, and then I’m gazing at the glass lying in the sink. Using glass would be quicker, but swallowing the pills would be less painful. I grabbed the full bottle pills and turned the arrow on the cap to open it, and it did not open at first attempt.
The second time, I got it open and through a few in the palm of my hand and swallowed them. Ten minutes later, my eyes vision became blurry and my hands went numb. I tried to take to walk out the door, but slipped on a piece of glass knocking my head into the toilet…