Never Without Hope (Sacred Vows Book 1) (26 page)

Chapter 29

J
ames and I talked on the phone several times a day that first week. Jimmy even went to visit his dad a few times. They went four wheeling like his dad had promised.

My husband and I held off seeing each other again until our first counseling session. We agreed that we needed structure for our emotion-filled conversations about what had transpired in our marriage. We both wanted complete healing and knew that talking about what happened was the best way to achieve that end.

The first thing I noticed about James before we began our session was his confidence. It seemed higher than I’ve ever witnessed before. His eyes shone bright. I expected more of a  strained expression, more trepidation, but he kept telling me that God had given him hope and that’s why he felt so joyful in spite of what we were about to discuss.  If only I had the same level of confidence.

When the counselor popped his head into the waiting area and called our names, James gently took my hand and we walked side by side into the office. I sat on the couch and James sat next to me. The therapist was a friend of our
pastor’s, and he shook each of our hands.

“
Name’s Jeff Jacobs. It’s nice to see you two sitting beside each other. Usually the first session is the worst when it comes to dealing with affairs.”

I didn
’t know how to respond to his comment, so I just stared, hoping James would say something first. “Jeff, this is my wife Hope, and I’m James. We really appreciate you squeezing us into your tight schedule.”

“
No problem. I owed your pastor a favor. How about we start with prayer?” Jeff rested his hands on his knees as he leaned forward in his chair.

So far things were turning out better than I had expected, but it still felt like a Mexican jumping bean hopped inside my belly.  James must
’ve sensed my distress because he took my hand and rubbed my knuckles with his thumb. The circular motion relaxed me.

Closing his eyes, our marriage therapist petitioned the Lord with fervor, and praised God for what He ha
d already done in our marriage. When he finished praying, my lashes were as wet as my husband’s were. I marveled at the emotion evoked from simply agreeing with Jeff’s prayer. Maybe God was already restoring what the locusts had eaten, as Jeff had so lovingly stated in his petition to the Lord on our behalf.

Oh, how I prayed that were true.

“Who’d like to start?”

James and I looked at each other, both reluctant to speak.

Finally James broke the silence. “I’ll do it. Seems to me that it’d be easier for me to start. Even though I was wronged, I know I had a part in what happened. But the guilt has been taken from me, when I gave it to the Lord. I’m not sure the same goes for you, Hope. You still seem strained, hurt, like you still feel guilty. Am I right?”

I nodded, swallowing hard as I willed myself to not cry
…yet. I didn’t want to sob through the entire session and distract from what God could do in our midst.

But my grief still welled to the surface and rocked me emotionally. The look in James
’s eyes…I could barely stand to look at him even though I knew he’d forgiven me. I really believed that he had. But I still couldn’t seem to forgive myself. The evil that still lurked in my heart had bowled  me over; my lust had run away with my senses. I’d found myself doing things I didn’t want to do, and unable to do the things I knew were right.

James
’s hand touched my knee. I glanced up.

“
I’m going to tell you right now that in my mind…well, it’s as if nothing happened. I know you find that hard to believe, but I refuse to dwell on the past. That doesn’t mean the enemy won’t mess with my head sometimes. I still get angry when I think about how the cops tazered me on my own property. But I have to remember that God used that to get my heart fixed—in more ways than one. So while it was an awful experience, it was the wakeup call that I’d needed. You know?”

“
I think I understand. It’s just so hard to believe that you still…that you still want me. I just don’t understand it.” The tears I’d held at bay flowed silently down my cheeks. I peered deeply into my husband’s eyes. “Why?”

The therapist handed me a tissue. I paused and blew my nose.
“Thank you.”

James reached for my hand.
“Because I love you, Hope. More than life itself. I love you. I can’t explain it, but God placed that love there in my heart. It’s never died, not even when I was the most hurt. Right now my love for you feels stronger than ever.”

I stared at his hand holding mine and gently tugged it free so I could blow my nose again. When I finished
, I peered up at my husband. “I needed to hear that.”

His eyes filled and he snatched a tissue from the box and wiped his damp cheeks.

“I know, Babe. I’m sorry I wasn’t listening to you…before.”

My hands now shaking, I tried to muster the courage to ask him in the safety of the therapist
’s office what I really wanted to know. “Did you…do you…”

I couldn
’t get the words out. Sucking in a deep breath, I tried again, this time avoiding his eyes as I forced out the question that plagued my mind. “Did you really think I was a…a…whore?”

Peering up, I saw him wince.
“I’m sorry I said that to you, and to our son. I…just…I guess I wanted to hurt you like you’d hurt me. I suspected the night we went to dinner that you were trying to tell me you were having an affair, but I didn’t want to hear it. But it still bugged me. In the back of my mind I knew that something was wrong between us. Something more than I was allowing myself to see.”

“
You did? Then why didn’t you say something?”

“
I
had
to deny it, because I knew if I faced the truth it would’ve brought it all back, and that would’ve crushed my heart! I’m so sorry I took my anger out on you.”

His statement made no sense.
“But why…whore. Why call me…that?”

James stared into my eyes, then focused on the wall, as if transported to another time and place.
“My parents split up when I was ten. I never told you the reason before. My dad, he was drinking heavily and my mom was tired of cleaning up his puke, his messes. She started going out a lot. One of the few weekends when my dad was actually sober, he’d taken me fishing. When we came home…dad found mom in bed…with the next door neighbor.”

“
Oh, no…”

The adultery in my husband
’s life had gone even deeper than I’d thought. All the way back to his childhood…

“
My dad, he ripped my mother right out of their bed, and he screamed in her face before he threw her against the wall. Then he punched the guy’s jaw while the was man was trying to put his pants on. He kept punching him and punching him. Blood went everywhere. I thought my dad was going to kill him. My mom called the police and they took my dad to jail. He never got over what my mom had done. She was never the same either. I think the guilt ate at her because she started drinking, too. It’s a wonder I’m not a raging alcoholic. I know it wouldn’t take much for me to get there, though. That’s why I’m not drinking anymore. Not even one beer.”

“
I think I understand.” I twisted the damp tissue I held and pondered what my husband had just told me. I knew he was angry with his father but I never knew why his parents had divorced. He’d never told me before. And to think that the two wives he’d had before me had cheated on him just like his mom had done.

It was difficult for me to fathom how that action must
’ve resurrected all of that pain…each time it happened. And I had been no different than the others. My shoulders sagged at the realization that I should’ve been different, but I hadn’t been. And I was supposed to be a Christian.

But this time around I would know my weakness. It wasn
’t hidden anymore. I just needed to keep my communication open, especially with James, and never to let our marriage get that strained again. Not without a fight. I’d fight for our marriage. I had to, or it would die, just like his parents’ marriage had disintegrated to the painful point that it still effected my husband at his age. At almost fifty. What a sad legacy he’d been left.

But we had
our faith. This faltering of our marriage needn’t destroy our son. We could overcome our weaknesses with God’s help. Wasn’t that what the Scriptures said?

“
So you see why I said that to you? It was instinct. I didn’t mean it. I was just so angry that I wasn’t thinking about your feelings, or Jimmy’s.”

A wry, sad half-grin curved his mouth and he winced.
“Sad truth is I think I was more mad at myself than I was at you, because I knew part of it
had
been my fault. I’d ignored your pleas for help, and I ignored your needs, like when I knew you wanted to make love. I was wrong to do that, Hope. Forgive me?”

“
Of course I forgive you…again. There’s no need to apologize for the same thing over and over.” I placed my hand on his knee.

James nodded, then hung his head so I couldn
’t see his eyes.

Sucking in a deep breath, I released it, determined to help him understand my childhood drama as well.
“I never told you about what happened with my parents. My mom had an affair on my dad, too.”

My husband
’s head snapped up. “Really?”

“
Yeah. I’d forgotten about it, or stuffed it down. When my sister visited, she told me about what happened with our mom and the guy she was seeing. Then things, details, they started coming back to me. My dad had worked all the time, so my mom had a boyfriend. I didn’t know who he was, just that my mom liked hugging him. I remember he was Hispanic and had an accent. As my sister told me the story again, I realized how in some ways having the affair made me feel close to my mom. And I’d been depressed, and missed her so much. It sounds weird, but it’s true. I felt like I understood my mom when I was seeing…him. Not that it’s an excuse or anything.”

Our therapist interjected.
“It’s interesting that you both bring up the sin of your parents and how much that hurt you both, yet you found yourselves doing the same things. Sometimes I think Satan knows our weaknesses even better than we do.”

James and I nodded.

“The important thing is to not give him a foothold. To fight the temptation he slides into our lives every day. The only way we can do that successfully is if we hold each other up in prayer and encourage each other with the Word of God.”

When I thought about it, I realized that when James started lagging on his commitment to pray with me every night that we had less peace in our home. It all coincided with my trip to
L.A. and his ex-wife contacting him. I should’ve encouraged him to pray anyway, or led prayer myself, but I’d let it slide. Now I realized that was the worst thing I could’ve done.

James reached for my hands and held them.
“I’m going to commit to praying with you every day. At least once. And eventually when we’re back together in our home, I’m going to pray before we go to bed, just like we used to.”

My vision blurred at the husky sound of his voice, the memories. The most intimate thing James could do was pray with me before we made love. I longed for that more than anything. And it still amazed me that he wanted to share the rest of his life with me. I
’d never understand it, but I’d never take it for granted again. I couldn’t afford to.

“
I’d like that.”

James pulled me into his arms and held me close. Something deep inside me began to glow. A tiny spark of hope ignited. It was then that I knew
…we would make it. Deep inside I knew that as long as we included the Lord in our marriage that we’d be okay.

“
I love you, James,” I whispered against his neck as I clung to him, inhaling the spicy scent of his cologne and reveling in his touch. Oh, how I’d missed him.

He gave me another quick squeeze, then released me.

Our marriage counselor cleared his throat. “I think that’s enough for today. I’d like you to take these handouts and really pray before you do the lessons. Then we’ll meet again in one week. Will that work for you both?”

I nodded and James agreed. We received the proffered papers.

I stuffed my copy in my purse and James shoved his into his back pocket.

James stood and helped me to my feet. He shook hands with Jeff
, and I followed with the same.

After James walked me to my car and gave me one last hug, I sat there for a few minutes and marveled at how much we
’d learned about each other’s past in such a short time. Stuff neither of us had known about the other.

Finally, I turned on the engine of my SUV. James was long gone. We
’d squeezed our session into his lunch hour, and he had to get back to work. Jimmy was still in school. I dreaded going back to my home office. I had gotten so behind as the result of the drama in our home.