Never Without Hope (Sacred Vows Book 1) (23 page)

“
Quick, turn around.” I jostled Allison’s arm. “That’s his wife.”

Allison frowned as she backed up,
“That short, chubby thing? You sure?”

“
Yes, I met her in person. That’s definitely her.”

Tony exited the house
—his son encased in his strong arms—and looked in time to see Allison engaged in a three point turn. It seemed to take forever, though it was mere seconds, for her to maneuver around. My leg jiggled as my nerves tensed. I could see the expression on Tony’s face clearly. He looked worried, like he didn’t know what to expect as he glanced at us, then back at his wife, then returned to watch us as we drove off.

My sister gawked while she drove away.
“That’s him? That’s Tony?”

I groaned, wishing she
’d keep her eyes on the road as I turned away to block his handsome face from my mind. My knuckles pressed against my mouth as I fought tears. I finally choked out, “Yeah, that’s him.”

Allison blew out a quiet whistle as she sped away.
“Wow. He
is
a hottie.”

The glee
in her voice, though whispered, made me pause. I had no idea Allison had ever looked at men with such appreciation. And though it unnerved me a bit, I kind of liked it.

“
You are
so
not helping.” I clenched my teeth, then bit back a grin by catching the inside of my cheek with my teeth.

Then I remembered my son
’s presence in the back seat. I stole a glance at Jimmy. He was so absorbed—hyper-focused even—on his Gameboy Advance that he wasn’t aware of anything going on around him.

For once I thanked God that the earplugs and that annoying little square electronic toy kept my son
’s undivided attention. I called his name to test my theory, and he didn’t even glance up.

“
I know, and I’m sorry for making it harder on you.” My sister grinned mischievously as she turned onto the gravel road, not looking at all sorry. Now peeling rubber down the street, she raced  along and hit several potholes until we reached the main road. I peered in the rear view mirror to see if I could catch one last glimpse of Tony’s street, but what I saw instead was a massive cloud of dust swirling behind us.

I checked on Jimmy again.

No response.

“
Man, that was a close call.” I whispered rather loudly and patted my chest like I fought a heart attack. “I’m sorry, Sis. I shouldn’t have asked you to do that for me. So I’m the one who should apologize.”

“
Don’t bother. Now that I’ve actually seen him I think I totally get what you were saying. In fact, Tony reminds me of Mom’s Manuel. He was a real looker, too.”

Mom
’s lover Manuel looked like Tony? Wow.

Though I couldn
’t remember his face, I remembered the joy that lit my mom’s face whenever we went to visit Manuel. At least, that’s how things had started out. Not unlike my relationship with Tony. Funny, the stuff you can recall from childhood once someone brings it up.

Maybe I had more in common with my mother than I
’d ever imagined. And in some twisted way, that knowledge pleased me because it made me feel close to her.

Had I subconsciously gotten involved in an affair to be like my mother? To feel tied to her past and somehow walk in her shoes? Better than that, could I recover from the affair as well as Mom had? Was this all a cosmic test I
’d concocted for myself to see if I could be victorious as well?

Chapter 24

We pulled up in front of the church. Jimmy scrambled out of the car and took off running toward the youth building. Guess he didn’t even want a treat, or maybe he just missed his friends.  I sighed and reached for the door handle.

My sister grabbed my left arm and stopped me.
“Wait! Don’t you want to pray first?”

Duh.
I should be the one asking for prayer, but I was still thankful my sister had mentioned it.

“
Yes,” I whispered, my voice hoarse as I bowed my head and blinked back tears. Seemed like I was always crying these days.

She grabbed my hands and squeezed.
“Lord, You know this will be tough on my little sister. Please be with her and give her the strength to get through the Bible study tonight. Also, give her discernment in regards to how much, if anything, to share with the people in her class. In Your Precious Name, Amen.”

Allison released my hands and sucked in a deep breath, then released it. If I didn
’t know better, I’d swear she was as nervous as I was.

“
Here we go.” She hopped out of the vehicle.

My chest tightened
, and it suddenly became difficult to breathe. What would I say when people asked me about James? I shoved aside the frightening thoughts now flooding my mind. One step at a time. One minute at a time. That’s all I could handle.

Allison pulled open the door.
“Ready?”

I nodded.

She allowed me to walk into the church dining hall ahead of her.

Our youth pastor glimpsed me first and hollered in his usual chipper way,
“Hey, Hope? How’re ya doing?”

“
I’m okay,” I responded with a shaky smile.

Several people glanced up and waved.

The youth pastor knew about all the dirt in my life, and yet he still demonstrated love toward me. That knowledge nearly made me break down, but I held my grin. Taking a deep breath, I told myself, “I can make it through this.”

Allison stepped toward the table covered with desserts and picked up a frosted brownie.
“Now this looks like heaven.” She sniffed it first, smiled, then offered the brownie to me.

“
Thanks.”  I chuckled and headed toward the coffee. My sister had this theory that if she took a deep whiff of something fattening then she would have less of a craving for it. It must be doing her some good because she was at least ten pounds lighter than I.

Annabelle paused beside me and said with warmth in her voice,
“We missed you, Hope. I’m so glad you’re back.”

She was another person who knew the whole scoop because she was the secretary on the board of elders. But I saw no judgment in her eyes, only compassion. So far everyone seemed genuinely glad to see me and sincerely friendly.

We sat at a table and started chatting like women do. One gal from our Bible study, Claire, plopped down at our table. She was the same gal who had gotten all over me when I’d asked about how a married woman should cope with a reduction of sex in their marriage. She’d refused to believe that could even be a problem, thus negating my concerns. In fact, I recalled her being quite hostile about the subject.

“
So, Hope, I heard you’re having some problems in your marriage. How are you holding up?” Her lips curved in a frown, almost looking like a pout.

Everyone at our table seemed to hold their breath. I peered at Claire, yet sensed no mockery or judgment, just an obvious lack of tact. So I answered truthfully.
“Not very well. But my sister is here visiting and that has helped a lot.”

I patted my sister
’s arm. Allison scowled at Claire when she wasn’t looking, then raised her brows when she glanced at me. I shrugged, wondering what Claire knew about my situation, but not willing to ask.

Fortunately she told me the answer to my unspoken question.
“I saw James in the hospital when I went there to visit a friend. He told me you two were separated.”

Claire
’s eyes filled with tears. “I’m sorry to hear that, and I’ll keep praying that you find a way to work things out. I’d never met a happier couple than you two. So if your marriage doesn’t make it, whose will?”

S
he lacked tact, but her heart was in the right place, so I hugged her anyway. “Thanks, Claire. I hear what you’re trying to say. It’s all in God’s hands now. Only He can fix something as broken as our marriage.”

Several tears slid unbidden down my cheeks. I patted my skin dry with the napkin I held and tried to smile
and ignore the pain evoked by the truth in her words.

For ten minutes our group at the table discussed the weather and mundane topics.

When it came time to begin our study, Annabelle led us in prayer. I thanked God that we were a smaller group than usual tonight and that everyone present already knew my personal business. We eventually digressed from the topic of the study and prayed about my concerns. My marriage, of course, being my biggest request.

Annabelle led us in a closing prayer.
“Thank You, Lord, for bringing Hope back to the right path for her life. One that honors You. We pray that You’ll keep her steadfast and strong and that Your angels will protect her in the days to come. We pray that You also work on James’s heart and soften it, Lord. And most of all, we pray that Hope learns to forgive herself—that we all learn to forgive ourselves when we sin, and move on.” Annabelle squeezed my hand. It was now my turn to pray.

My heart seemed to melt inside me as I poured out my concerns, not worrying about what people might think, but focused on my need.
“God, help me to never get to the place again where I stray in my marriage. Help me to be content with my circumstances and learn to run
to
You instead of running
from
You when I fall into sin. I’m sorry, Lord, that I allowed my sin to separate my heart from Yours. I know You want me to be in a right relationship with You, and I pray that somehow You will use this whole experience for my good and for the good of my family as well. And Lord, protect Jimmy’s heart and help him to know for certain that none of this was his fault. Amen.”

When we finished praying
, I felt spiritually refreshed. Rejuvenated even.

I knew that no matter what happened the Lord would be with me from now on
—as long as I wanted Him there. He would never force His love on me, or His will on anyone. That much I had learned.

But it hurt when I fully realized that I had not loved
the Lord as much as I thought I had, or I would not have put my physical needs above my relationship with Him in the first place. Pride coming before a fall suddenly took on a whole new meaning for me.

Later that night as I read my Bible after Jimmy and my sister had retired for the evening, I sensed the Lord drawing me to several scriptures pertaining to God
’s will for marriage. For
my
marriage.

I
’d found the scripture references in the back of my Bible listed under
topics
. So I read each of them. My heart grew heavy as I absorbed the words.

Husbands were supposed to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her. Spouses were not to deny each other sexual relations unless it was for a specific purpose and only for a limited time, and was agreed upon by both parties. The Scriptures even said that denying the spouse could cause them to stray. Well, that certainly spoke of my situation. Not that it justified my transgression.

Honestly, though, even though the Scriptures helped me make sense of the mess I’d created, I wasn’t tempted to lay the blame all on my husband. Yes, he set me up to be more vulnerable than if he had met my needs like a husband should, but I hadn’t done a very good job at communicating my true needs to him either. That needed to be the first thing I’d confess to James if given the chance. If he’d listen to me.

I still wasn
’t sure how I felt about reuniting with him in marriage, especially given his sexual limitations, but I decided to leave the results up to God. Maybe this was one of those times when separating from my spouse for a while made Biblical sense, like the Scripture referred to.

James and I both needed time to sort things through, especially our love for each other. And rather than feeling bitter, for the first time I felt true compassion for my husband and what he
’d gone through.

He must be really hurting, for his manhood had taken a hit not just before, but also during, and now after the affair. I wondered what had he learned from the collapse of our marriage. Had the Lord revealed anything to him as He had to me? Had the Lord broken my husband
’s heart with the intention of rebuilding it again?

A glimmer of hope flickered in the darkest places of my recent memory. Could this be a situation that the Lord had known was coming and He used it for our good, for the good of our marriage? I knew the Lord never condoned sin or set people up to sin, but He knew what I
’d do even before I did, and He was God, so He could use it to grow me spiritually, right?

The Scripture came to mind where it says the Lord tears down and He will rebuild. My marriage was certainly torn down, but I knew God hadn
’t done the tearing. I’d done that myself. However, He could use this situation, or any situation to tear down strongholds in our lives. Things that had bound us and kept us from fully serving Him. Things that neither my husband nor I had acknowledged until now.

Wow.

I realized then how both James and I had been coasting along in our spiritual walks, grown a bit complacent, though not dead. We had clearly grown lukewarm. James had started drinking, and I began fantasizing about what I couldn’t have, then turned to someone else to meet that need reserved only for the marriage bed.

Yet, God could turn our lives around. I knew it was true. Now I had to believe it for myself. I needed spiritual cleansing, water to nourish my dried spiritual roots and revive the sense of deadness that my sin had created in my soul.

Most importantly, faith in my marriage needed to grow. Quickly. Before it was too late. Before it shriveled up completely.

While I knew that God could transform our marriage, I needed to let Him have control over our family, our home, our lives, everything...

Because faith was the evidence of things unseen, yet hoped for, right?

And I hoped with everything in me that James and I could have our marriage restored. So with tears in my eyes, I poured out my heart  to God and asked Him to be the Lord over our marriage. To take control of my heart. To be at the center of our lives.

I knew I was praying within God’s will this time.

Warmth covered me from head to toe. I sensed that God was listening to my heart
’s cry, and this felt reassuring. Holy. Awesome.

Now I needed to walk forward in faith, not looking back, and leave the results up to Him. That would be so hard.

Doubt crept into my thoughts. What if it took a long time?

I wondered if He would mind if I helped things out just a little?

My eyes were drawn to my purse. Before I could talk myself out of it, I grabbed my cell phone and flipped it open, then searched for James’s cell phone number. I sucked in a deep breath and pressed send.

The phone trilled in my ear as it dialed my husband. Two rings. Three.

This is James. Sorry I can’t talk right now. But please leave a message. And if this is Hope or Jimmy, know that I…I love you
.

My mouth fell open and I pushed end before I said a word. I needed to process the message. When had James recorded it? Had he known I would call? What did he mean? Was the I love you part of the message for me or Jimmy? Or was it for both of us?

With more questions than answers now on my mind, I fell into a fitful sleep.