Never Without Hope (Sacred Vows Book 1) (18 page)

I refused to buy in to the enemy’s lies.

God would not abandon me.

Chapter 18

M
y house was a disaster. In fact, I’d never seen it look so bad. Beer empties on the floor, shards of ceramic on the linoleum from the broken mugs and dishes, smashed mirrors in the bathroom. It was worse than I’d imagined. There was no way I could clean it all up in time for my sister’s arrival without professional help.

Jimmy took in the damage, his mouth agape.
“Whoa. This house is a mess.”

“
I’m thinking it’s too big of a job for us to do by ourselves.” I sighed.

“
Yeah, I’m thinking you’re right.” Jimmy grabbed the beer empties off the floor and tucked them in the crook of his arm. “This stuff smells nasty.”

“
Yeah, I hate that stale beer stench. Gross, huh?” I scrunched my face and held it away from the bottle I picked up as I walked to the garbage can and lifted the lid. I dropped the bottle inside and held the lid as Jimmy deposited the ones in his arms.

My son dropped in the last bottle and washed his hands in the sink.
“I still can’t believe Dad started drinking beer. He never did that before.” His brow furrowed thoughtfully. “I think beer makes him mean.”

“
Can’t disagree with you there.” I sighed. “You know, I had a boyfriend in high school who used to hit me when he started drinking.” Until that moment I hadn’t thought about Mick in years.

The abuse I
’d taken from him had continued until I realized he was manipulating me. It humbled me to look back on how dumb I’d been to believe my boyfriend’s lies.

My dad had found out about Mick
’s abuse and set me straight. I’d never forget the day my dad came to my rescue and grabbed Mick by the scruff of the neck when he caught Mick slapping me. My dad had tossed him out in the snow and kicked his butt, literally, and told him to stay away from me.

Of course, Mick had quickly replaced me with another girl from school who was more vulnerable than I, because she didn
’t have a dad to protect her. Funny how the bad memories resurface when you’re in a crisis.

Jimmy searched in the closet and banged around until he hauled out a broom and dustpan. He started sweeping the floor while I searched the phone book for a maid service. I finally found one and dialed.

“Mini Maids at your service. Can I help you?”

“
I know it’s late in the day, but I was hoping I could still get some help since it’s a Saturday. There was an…incident at my house, and I need help cleaning up before my company arrives tomorrow. Can you help me if I pay extra for your trouble?”

The woman on the other end said,
“Hold on a sec.”

She hollered at someone with her hand over the phone, so her words sounded muffled. A minute later she came back on.
“We can do it if we can come by in the next thirty minutes. We had a cancellation. How long do you think the job will take?”

I surveyed the room and mentally calculated the hours.
“About four hours if you bring help. Three if you have several helpers.”

“
Hold on a sec.” More muffled conversation. “Can you pay double time?”

I didn
’t have much choice if I wanted to get it cleaned up quickly. “Yeah, I can do that, but only if you can finish in under three hours. Will that work?”

“
Ma’am, you’ve got yourself a deal. Now how do we get to your house?”

So I gave the woman directions and hung up.
“I’m going to take a quick shower, okay, Jimmy? But I’ll need to use your bathroom because mine has glass on the floor.”

“
That’s okay, Mom, I don’t mind.” He strolled into his bedroom with a sigh and closed the door. He probably wanted to take a nap. I wouldn’t blame him. I was emotionally fried, so I could imagine how he felt.

I turned on the hot water and peeled off my clothes. Peering at myself in the mirror, I reflected on the harsh words Tony
’s wife had written on that note. And my poor son had to see them in stark black and white. I cringed at the memory, wishing I could’ve protected him. But he’d already seen it by the time I realized what he’d found. Names I wouldn’t call my worst enemy, but directed at me.

It was clear that she
’d wanted James to see the note. But the details were still humiliating to remember. Tony even told her about my pregnancy scare. The traitor! That was unnecessary and hurtful, to say the least.

He
’d clearly told her just enough information to come off looking like he was the victim in the affair, and I was the psycho hussy—as she’d called me—in pursuit of him. I swallowed hard and entered the shower. The hot water and steam filled my head as I inhaled deeply. If only I could wash away my sin, the shame of it all. I knew He would make me clean, and I knew I’d asked Him to do that, so why did I still feel dirty?

The slanderous words on the note didn
’t help. They just fed my self-condemnation. She said I should rot in hell for what I’d done to her family, to her child. Even a few days ago I would’ve agreed with her. I’d believed I deserved to rot, to suffer eternally for my sexual sin.

But today I felt like
God was giving me a second chance, and I wasn’t going to blow it this time. I would show Him I repented by turning from my sin and turning my heart back to Him. That was the least I could do for the pardon He was giving me.

And I
’d be a hypocrite to say on the one hand I believe He forgave me, then act like He hadn’t. He had suffered and died for my sin. Past, present and future. That’s what the Bible said, so I needed to believe it. The Scripture came to mind…
Let God be true and every man a liar.

Who was I to question what
God meant when He talked about His will for my life? I believe He spoke through the Scriptures and right now I wanted to read them even though I had only a few minutes before my cleaning crew would arrive.

I turned off the shower, toweled off, and dressed as quickly as I could. Grabbing my Bible from the coffee table, I opened the Word and read the first thing I saw.
In the world you will have trouble, but be of good cheer. I have overcome the world.

That brought a smile to my face. Yes, God was speaking to me. He was telling me that with Him in my life I
’d make it through this trial. I’d overcome my sin and I’d get right with Him again because of His great love for me. I just had to receive it. To receive His love and forgiveness.

Tears filled my eyes.
“Thank you, Lord, for loving me even though my heart was clearly in the wrong. Cleanse me, Lord, and somehow use this mess in my life for the good, Amen.”

The doorbell rang.

I thanked God for hearing my prayer as I stood and walked toward the back door. I sensed His presence, and the peace now filling my heart defied description. The spirit of peace had wrapped His comforting arms around me, and in an instant I knew I was fully loved by Him. More than my son could ever love me, than any man ever could. I warmed inside with the knowledge of being completed in Him, in His love.

I reached for the door and opened it to let in the maid service and came face to face with Tony. From what I could tell in the brief moment he stared into my eyes, he was alone, but his wife could be hiding around the corner and I didn
’t want to take a chance. Part of me wanted to scream in fear, and part of me wanted to cry and hug him and tell him that I loved him, though I knew that would be dead wrong.

Especially after the talk I had just had with the Lord.

How fickle the heart can be.

Without considering the consequences or waiting to hear what he had to say, I slammed the door in his face and clicked the deadbolt lock in place. I had to keep him away from me. To put a barrier between us.

“You bitch!” he yelled through the door and pounded on it with his fist. He cursed several more times, even saying the Lord’s name in vain. “You ruined my life. You…”

I ran into the other room, sobbing. I couldn
’t take any more.

Tony had glared at me. That same face that had looked at me with such tenderness when he made love to me now looked vile and angry. How could he turn on me like that?

I didn’t understand it, but in the end it didn’t really matter. I couldn’t see him again, I refused to compromise. So maybe his anger would help me stick to my decision. Maybe God would use it for the good. But it still hurt. I’d shared some intimate moments with him and he looked at me with such animosity that it tore my heart to shreds.

The sound of crunching gravel and rocks spraying on the side of the house told me that he drove off. My cell phone rang, but I decided to not answer it when I realized it was that special ring
—Tony’s ring. I couldn’t imagine that anything Tony would have to say at this point would be worth my attention, so I let it go.

About five minutes later someone knocked on the back door. This time I peered through the peephole and saw it was the maid service. I opened the door and let them in.
“Thanks for coming on such short notice.”

The leader of the group took in the mess and whistled.
“Looks like you had a wild party that got out of hand.”

I didn
’t agree or disagree, but led the three maids into the master bathroom and bedroom. “These are the worst rooms. Can you start here, please?”

“
No problem.” The woman handed the younger lady behind her a set of keys. “Go to the van and get…”

I stopped listening and decided to check on Jimmy. When I reached his room
, I cracked the door open. He lay on his bed with his face in his Bible. Apparently he’d tried to have a devotion and fell asleep before he finished. Poor kid.

I eased the book from under his face and tucked him in.  With a kiss on the cheek, I whispered,
“I love you.”

After a minute of watching my son sleep
, I decided to check on the maid service. On my way to the master bathroom I heard my cell phone beeping with the sound it makes after someone leaves a voicemail message.

I reached for the phone and retrieved the message.
“Sis, it’s me Allison. I’m getting my stuff packed up, and I’ll see you in the morning. Don’t worry about picking me up. I already have a rental car reserved. I assume you’ll be staying home from church tomorrow. I’ll be there about one o’clock, and I’ll take you guys to lunch. See you soon! Love you! Bye.”

Pressing the number 7, I erased the message.

Next message
. The recording went on... “I wish I never meet you and I hope you know how you ruin my life forever. My wife is to destroy you for no more writing career. You will have no books to sell, ever. My wife, she is to make your life living hell. I never want to see you again.” Tony swore and hung up.

At first I wanted to cry at the sound of his angry voice, but then I felt sorry for him. He had to make me the enemy or live with an angry wife
’s wrath. Maybe she’d forgive him some day. Maybe that was his hope.

For whatever reason
, he had decided to make me the fall guy. But honestly, I didn’t care anymore. She couldn’t ruin my life any more than it had been. So what if everyone knew? If not for my son, I wouldn’t care if everyone in town knew.

From now on
, I would just admit my sin and deal with it, then move on with my life. He could avoid responsibility for his actions, but I’d face them. I would blame no one but myself. I wouldn’t hide behind excuses, valid or otherwise.

Pressing the number 7, I erased his message. As I sat on the couch in the living room
, I decided to call Jenna. She always knew how to encourage me. Right now I could use a little encouragement. So I dialed her number.

“
Jenna? You home?” I spoke to the answering machine.

“
Hello?” Her familiar voice brought me comfort. I needed to talk.

“
Hey. It’s Hope. I just wanted you to know what’s going on. James knows about the affair. He’s in the hospital right now because the cops tazered him. It’s a long story.”

“
Whoa, slow down. James is in the hospital?”

“
Yeah, they think he had a heart attack when they tazered him.” I hated repeating that, but she needed to know.

“
The cops did that? But why?”

“
He came out of the bedroom raging and they didn’t have time to check him for weapons.” My throat tightened as I listened to my own report.

“
Wow. Sounds like things got out of hand.”

“
That’s the understatement of the year.” I chuckled sadly. “But I’m gonna get through this, Jenna. The Lord showed me that today. He’s forgiven me, but now I have to learn to forgive myself. That’s going to be the hard part.”

“
I remember how hard that was for me when I got involved with that man over the Internet, but you can do it Hope. You’re strong. If anyone can make it through something serious like this, you can.”