Never Without Hope (Sacred Vows Book 1) (16 page)

“
I want to go with you. I need to see if Dad’s okay.”

Jimmy sat up strai
ght and clipped on his seatbelt. He wiped his face with his hands and reached for a tissue. Then he handed it to me. Such a sweet boy.

“
Thanks.” I received the tissue and blew my nose.

“
No problem. I just want to help. We’ll get through this.” His little chin quivered as he grabbed a tissue for himself and swiped his face.

I touched his chin.
“No matter what happens, Jimmy, I’ll always take care of you. Even if we have to sell our house and move into a little apartment, I’ll find a way to make sure you’re taken care of. I’ll never abandon you.”

“
Thanks, Mom.” He hesitated, then added, “I used to think you were so perfect, so holy, but now…” More tears.

My shoulders sagged. What a horrible way to get a look inside your mother
’s heart, through her adulterous behavior. At least he no longer put me on a pedestal, but what a way to go. I couldn’t sink any lower. I reached over and touched his shoulder.

“
I know, Son, I didn’t think I’d ever do something this bad either.” I heaved a shaky sigh. “Guess you know I’m not perfect now, huh? But just like I had you go to the store and face the manager, I’m going to do what I have to do to make amends. I won’t lie to anyone, I’ll tell them the truth, but I’ll do everything I can to protect you. Okay?”

He nodded and exhaled a sigh of relief.
“I hope that didn’t hurt your feelings. I love you, Mom.”

My throat tightened.
“I know.”

The sound of a horn honking made me look up. The officer had pulled on to the road. I grabbed the knob to flip on my headlights and slowly followed her down the street.

This was going to be one very long night.

Chapter 16

I’m not sure how I made it to the big city without falling asleep at the wheel. I had to turn off the heater because it was making me sleepy. And the highway droned on and on until my eyes started crossing. I slapped my face a few times, just to keep alert.

My precious Jimmy snoozed through the whole thing. I almost pulled over to the side of the road once because I simply couldn
’t keep my eyes open anymore. But then we approached the exit and I breathed a sigh of relief. We were almost there.

Jimmy stirred beside me and rubbed his eyes when I found a parking space and cut the engine. The officer opened her window and waved, then she drove back out of the parking lot, probably heading back to Crandall to respond to another call.

The blinding light emitting through the sliding doors at the emergency room entrance made my head throb. It had been ten long years since I’d last entered a hospital emergency room.

The night I
’d lost both of my parents because of a drunk driver. In a flash the emotion from that night came flooding back, and I wondered if I’d have the strength to go inside.

Jimmy noticed my hesitancy and reached for my hand. Bless his little heart, he seemed to anticipate my needs. Too bad he needed to be so responsible so young. I didn
’t really like relying on him, but right now he was all I had left besides my sister, who wouldn’t be arriving until the day after tomorrow.

I decided I
’d wait until she arrived to tell her what had happened to James. It would be too hard to share the details with her over the phone. And I still couldn’t believe the cops had tazered my husband and almost killed him!

So with Jimmy
’s hand in mine I approached the front desk. “I’m here to sign James Williams into the hospital and fill out insurance forms.”

“
And you are?” The blonde admissions lady glanced over her reading glasses at me.

“
I’m his…wife.” I felt weird claiming him even though we’d been married 13 years. Would he still want me to be his wife when he recovered? I doubted it. So rather than risk causing him more stress, I would fill out the forms, then peek in on him, but not stay and visit. I didn’t want to make him more upset than he already was.

Jimmy leaned on my shoulder and closed his eyes as I completed the paperwork. I yawned several times and had to keep rereading some of the lines. They made no sense to me. I was too tired to comprehend much of anything.

When I finished, I jostled my son just enough to wake him. Handing the paperwork to the admissions clerk, I hesitated. I really wanted to know how James was doing, but worried she might ask too many questions. Still, I had to know.

“
How is James doing?”

The woman glanced at her watch.
“He’s been getting tested for about an hour now. I don’t expect he’ll be ready for visitors for at least eight more. He’ll need plenty of rest. Didn’t look so good when he arrived. Pretty pale, actually, but these doctors here are amazing. I’ve seen miracles happen in cases much worse.” She cleared her throat as if she realized she may have shared too much.

“
Thanks. Is there a hotel nearby we can go to? I’m very tired.”

“
There’s a motel down the road about a mile on your left. It’s reasonable.”

“
Thank you. I’ll be back later.” I reached for Jimmy’s hand and we walked to the car. I was so exhausted my ears were now ringing and I worried that even if I tried to sleep, I’d fail. With determination I drove to the motel and checked in.

My son and I needed to rest. Just a few hours and I
’d feel good as new.

Crud, who was I kidding? Nothing would make me feel good right now. Nothing but a miracle straight from
God Himself. 

I opened the door with a magnetic room key. Jimmy and I stumbled inside. My son flopped on the bed nearest to the bathroom. I locked the door and threw my coat on a chair, then stepped over to where Jimmy lay and helped him out of his jacket.

His eyes were already shut. So I kissed his warm cheek and tucked him in.

After washing my face, I  laid on the bed near the window. My feet ached, my head pounded relentlessly, and my clothes were still damp with sweat, so they clung uncomfortably to my skin.

Worst of all, my heart felt as if an army of angry fire ants had chewed it up, it stung that much. How I longed to make the pain go away. If not for Jimmy, I’d end things permanently. But I had to stop thinking like that. My son needed me and I’d promised I wouldn’t abandon him. So like it or not, I had to hang in there.

Burying my face in my pillow, I cried out to the Lord. The only way I
’d get through this was if I knew He was with me. That meant coming clean. Asking for forgiveness. Doing whatever I must to get right again with my Lord.

I groaned.
“Forgive me, God. Please, forgive me. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I still lusted, and now I see how damaging that was to my family, my son. Forgive my selfishness. Heal my son’s heart and give him strength to get through this. And heal James. Heal his body and his heart. And if it wouldn’t be too much to ask, please help him to forgive me, too.”

I agonized over the last part as I knew
He was listening and I felt like I had no right to address Him like a friend, a father, anything personal. While He’d never abandoned me, I’d abandoned Him. I forced the words out. “In Jesus’s name. Amen.”

After shedding more tears on my pillow, I climbed under the covers and inhaled the scent of clean sheets. I longed to be made whiter than snow. Only
God could do that for me. Only Jesus, because of His shed blood, offered mercy. Mercy that I didn’t deserve.

Pulling the blanket and comforter to my chin, I  closed my eyes and prayed for good rest, right before I blacked out.

*****

My dreams were filled with visions of Tony. Of kissing Tony, making love to Tony. The same scenes played over and over in my mind. Me in his truck, me in his house, the first kiss, the last time we met, and on and on. No guilt, just intense longing.

A few times my mind wandered toward James making love to me, but then he’d be quickly replaced with Tony. I couldn’t help wondering what that all meant. I obviously couldn’t have Tony, and I wasn’t sure I really wanted Tony, but the dreams were pretty powerful, intoxicating.

When I woke
, an intense sadness kept me nailed to the mattress. My limbs felt like leaden beams. I didn’t want to get out of bed or do anything. I wanted to sleep my problems away.

Jimmy sat on the bed next to mine and watched cartoons. Apparently he
’d found something to do that he enjoyed. I sighed, knowing he was content, and rolled over.

“
Hey, Mom, you awake?” Jimmy climbed on to my bed and pulled the sheets away from my face and he giggled. “I saw you move.”

I pretended to ignore him, but cracked a smile. I couldn
’t fake it, so I opened my eyes just as he planted a kiss on my cheek. “Rise and shine, Mom.”

“
What time is it?” I peered groggily at the clock by the bed.

“
It’s almost lunch time, and I’m starving. Can we get something to eat?” He bounced on the bed, making my whole body jerk like when we drove over potholes on the road.

“
Jimmy!” He knew I hated that. Little stinker. But I sure loved him.

“
Sorry.” He chuckled and wrapped his arms around me for a hug.

Considering all that we
’d gone through last night, he was acting pretty chipper. Maybe he’d shut his emotions off, pretending that nothing had happened.

Only one way to find out.

“How’re you feeling this morning?” I poked him with tender affection.

“
Could be better…’cause…well you know. But otherwise I’m doing okay.” He laid his head on my chest. “What about you, Mom?”

I could tell by his  tone of voice that he really wanted to know.
“I’m not sure how I feel. I’m a bit scared, I guess, because I don’t know what’s going to happen next.”

That seemed to give Jimmy permission to break down, because he asked in a choked voice,
“Do you think Daddy is gonna die?”

Heavy question.
“I don’t know, Bud. They said they were doing tests because they believe he had a heart attack, but it sounds like he’s okay right now. We can pray that he doesn’t get worse, okay?”

“
Okay.” He grabbed my hands and bowed his head.

I cleared my throat.
“Dear God, um, Jimmy and I are…praying that you will help James to heal and get better. We thank you that he seems to be okay. Please help our family get through this difficult time. Amen.”

“
Amen.” Jimmy smiled wide and sighed before hugging me again. “Thanks, Mom.”

“
No problem. Can I ask you something?” I touched his cheek. “It’s a serious question, okay?”

“
Uh-huh.” Jimmy looked worried.

“
When your dad gets better, do you want him…do you want your dad to live with us again?” I struggled to finish my sentence, but I needed to know.

“
I don’t know. He was so mean and angry. I’m kind of scared.”

I swallowed hard.
“Me, too. I’m not sure what I’m going to do yet, but I’m thinking about asking your dad to stay at someone else’s house until we can work things out. Would that be okay with you?”

His shoulders relaxed.
“I think that’s pretty smart, Mom.”

“
What about visiting him today? Want to do that?” I held my breath.

Jimmy worried his lip and appeared deep in thought.

I waited for a response, wanting to be open to what Jimmy needed, but terrified of seeing James after what had happened. I just didn’t see how a visit would benefit my husband, either. He’d probably get so angry his heart rate would sail off the charts. I remembered his red face and bulging veins as he leaned into me and swore in my face.

A shudder snaked up my spine when I considered how much he hated me right now. No, visiting him would be a bad idea, at least until he got stronger. I
’d make sure to check in with the nurse to see how he was doing, but unless Jimmy wanted to see his father, I wasn’t stepping foot into that hospital again.

Maybe I could have our pastor visit him and scope out whether or not a visit in a few days would be beneficial. That sounded reasonable, but I was still open to meeting Jimmy
’s needs.

“
Naw, I think I’ll just let Dad sleep for now. I can see him later when he isn’t hurting so much and is feeling better. Is that okay?”

Wrapping my arms around Jimmy, I squeezed in an effort to reassure him.
“That’s fine. There’s no need to rush things. He’s probably not feeling up to visitors anyway.”

“
Maybe we could get him something from a flower shop. Would that be okay?”

“
Sounds good to me. I’ll call them now.” So I called the hospital to get his room number and then called a local florist.

“
What would you like the card to say, Ma’am?”

I hadn
’t thought of that. “Um, say, from your loving family.”

Jimmy smiled and I knew I
’d chosen the right words.

After I secured the order with my credit card
, I contacted our pastor.

“
Trinity Fellowship. Pastor Rick speaking.”

“
Hey.” That was all I could get out before bursting into tears. Jimmy leaned in for a reassuring hug. What a sweet boy.

“
Hope? Is something wrong?”

“
Yeah, it’s me.” I said through tears, “James is in the hospital. He had chest pains which led to a heart attack last night. They think he’s going to be okay, but I wondered if maybe you could visit him and see how he’s doing, maybe pray with him, you know?”

“
I can’t believe he had an attack at his young age. Do they know what caused it?”

“
He was tazered.” I exhaled and ran my fingers through my bangs. Jimmy moved from my bed to his, then turned up the TV and started flipping through the channels.

“
Tazered? How did that happen?” The shock in his voice made me cringe.

Might as well just spill all the details now. It wasn
’t like Jimmy didn’t know the facts already, though he seemed pretty absorbed in the cartoon that had just started. Maybe he’d tune me out. But I still had to be careful of what I said in front of him.

“
It’s a long story, so I’ll give you the condensed version.”

“
Go ahead.”