Never Satisfied: Do Men Know What They Want? (9 page)

“Hi baby, what are you doing up so late?” I reluctantly asked.

“I heard a loud noise out back, and couldn’t go back to sleep.”

“Yeah, right,” I said under my breath.

The only noise she heard was the sound of my car pulling into the driveway. I hung my jacket in the closet and headed for the stairs.

“Well, I’m going to take a shower and get ready for bed.”

Wait a second, sweetheart, I haven’t seen you all day. Can I at least get a quick hug?”

I knew what she was up to. This was her sly way of getting a sniff of my clothes and a close look at my collar. But of course, she was wasting her time. There was no evidence to be found.

When I made it into the bathroom, I turned on the shower and slowly began unbuttoning my shirt. And just as I was about to take off my pants, my wife abruptly walks in.

“Excuse me baby, I forgot to take my pill,” she said while casually looking me over.

“Do what you have to do,” I said trying not to laugh.

I knew she kept her birth control pills inside her purse. This was just another one of her surprise inspections to uncover evidence. Maybe she was looking for lipstick on my underwear, who knows. Whatever the reason was for her unlawful entry, she came up empty handed once again. My body was odor free and my back was without scars. I make it clear to any woman I’m seeing that fingernails on the back and strong perfumes are prohibited. Sexy lingerie is fine, but if we’re having sex they must shower first and don’t put on any make-up or scents. That’s just creating another opportunity to get busted.

After unnecessarily going through the medicine cabinet for five minutes, Sonya suddenly remembered that her birth control pills were in the bedroom. “No kidding,” I thought. But instead of leaving the room to give me some privacy, she stood there in the doorway observing my every move. I looked straight into her eyes and busted out laughing.

“What are you giggling about?” she asked.

“Oh, nothing.”

What I was laughing at was this detective role she was trying to play with me, and a bad one at that. I remember staring at her thinking to myself, “Ms. Sherlock Holmes really thinks she has her man tonight.” But little did she know who she was dealing with.

You see, unlike most men, I don’t worry about being inspected when I get home. I am extremely careful about concealing the evidence of my affairs. I was having sex with two other women at that time, one happened to be our baby sitter and the other was a woman I work with; both ladies were married. That’s rule number one in the cheating handbook, never cheat with someone who doesn’t have just as much to lose as you do. And another mistake is ejaculating inside of the other woman. First of all, I’m not trying to contract a STD or have a baby. And second, having unprotected sex creates a chemical bond; I only want that kind of connection with my wife. My affairs are strictly for entertainment purposes. When men cross that line they are sending a mixed message and that’s when all hell breaks loose.

Anyway, back to Ms. Columbo. When I went back downstairs to grab a snack, she began questioning me about where I had been all night. Of course I had an airtight alibi. But then she threw me a curve by bringing up events from months long past.

“Remember when you came home back in April and I found that woman’s business card in your pocket with her personal cell number written on the back?” she asked. “And what about three months ago when you told me you were going out with Derrick and he called here looking for you that same night?”

I was stunned. My confident grin turned into a look of complete confusion. All of a sudden the kitchen counter she was sitting behind started to resemble a judge’s bench. I had to retaliate.

“What in the hell are you talking about?” I shouted.

“You know what I’m talking about!” You and Derrick are always up to something. I just haven’t caught you yet!”

“That is totally unfair Sonya, and you know it!”

Of course, what I really wanted to say was, “I object!” But what was the point? She would overrule me anyway. I was clearly being railroaded with no jury of my peers to hear my case. The accusations and cross-examination continued.

“And what about the Saturday night back in June when you said you had to work? Not more than an hour after you left, your job called asking if you wanted to work overtime. Explain that one, Mr. Gigolo?”

Now I was really starting to get pissed. Not because of her aggressive questioning, but because I knew I had perfectly good lies to explain those charges… at the time. Isn’t there some kind of statute of limitations? I was thinking. I fired back fiercely, determined to turn the case in my favor.

“Ok, wait one damn minute!” I insisted. “You can’t pull up shit from a two years ago just because you suspect me of cheating. Either you have proof or you don’t. Otherwise, get off my back!”

Women know damn well a man can’t keep up with his lies if they’re more than a week old. This was simply her way of getting back at me for not being able to come up with concrete evidence. I had a solid defense and she couldn’t stand it.

After two hours of this nonstop Spanish Inquisition, she finally retired to her chambers. I mean the bedroom. When I woke up the next morning, the case had been dismissed. No doubt due to the lack of proof. She apologized for her paranoid behavior and we left it at that. Now, let this be a lesson to cheating men everywhere, Stand firm on your lies, and never, I repeat, never, confess to anything!

Do women want the truth? And if so, how much of the truth? Do they want details or just an overview? Do they want to know how long the affair has been going on, with whom, and how good the sex was? And do they want to know if you love the other woman more than her? I honestly believe that most women do want the truth, unless it’s something they don’t want to hear!” Sometimes the truth can be overrated when it’s being told to a woman who loves you and has invested in you. If she had made up her mind that she has found “The One!” the truth is often the last thing she wants to hear. Of course, there are exceptions.

If the man is marginal sexually, struggling financially, and lacks charisma and confidence, by all means she wants the truth. She’s probably looking for a reason to dump him anyway. But in the case where the woman is in love, financially secure, having great sex, or if kids are involved, why in the world would she allow something as painful as the truth to get in the way of her fantasy life?

Ask any woman who has tried to alert her sister or girlfriend that her man was cheating and they will advise you to mind your own business! Most women have learned the hard way that the majority of women already know or suspect their men are cheating; confronting them with the evidence will only destroy the relationship between the two women because most often the man is not going anywhere. Not until she gets sick and tired of being sick and tired.

However, there are some women who do want the truth, not only about how men cheat but what motivates us as men to tell the lie about being monogamous in the first place. Remember, cheating is not defined as men who have multiple partners; it’s telling the lie to be committed to just one woman that makes it cheating. So, why do men lie?

3
A MAN IS GONNA BE A MAN … REALLY?

Like any other negative behavior, infidelity is learned from watching and imitating bad examples. Show me a cheating father and I can probably show you a cheating son. However, infidelity is not simply a reaction to negative influences; it is also a choice, a choice that has more to do with low morals than complex psychology. But regardless of what the reasons are for this deceitful conduct, one thing is absolutely certain, there is no such thing as a born cheater. The question then is, “How was he created?”

I
f women are serious about trying to understand why men cheat, they should begin by examining men’s upbringing; it’s possible he was raised by parents who have accidentally or purposely planted negative impressions in his mind concerning the way in which women are to be treated. And with the help of ignorant relatives and narrow-minded friends of the family, he could very well be ruined for life.

The mis-education of the young male usually begins with the so-called Men of the family. They are usually the first to offer their pessimistic views on today’s woman. First there’s good old Uncle Charlie, “All women are good for is cooking, cleaning and making babies. You can’t trust them either. They’re natural born liars, every one of them!” Then Cousin Jesse adds his two cents, “Women only want you for your money,” he warns. “When it’s gone, they’re gone!” Of course much of this worldly advice is based on nothing more than chauvinism and their own failed relationships. Nevertheless, they pump the impressionable young man full of this garbage and send him out into the world with a “Get them before they get you,” mentality towards women. It doesn’t help that the men he’s taking advice from are listening to the same music and wearing the same clothes as he is. Our young men should see and hear distinct differences in the way adult men communicate and act. Unfortunately, we live in a country where forty plus year-old men walk, talk, dress, and behave no differently than a 19-year-old boy. Back in the day boys wanted to act and dress like our fathers and the older men in the neighborhood; now it seems that the older men are trying to act and dress like the teenagers. What’s up with that?

And if that’s not bad enough, the women of the family also add to this brainwashing. Aunt Betty, who always has her nose in other people’s business, comments about the neighbors, “I can’t believe the woman downstairs had another baby. I’ll bet you a million dollars it’s not her husband’s.” Cousin Barbara responds, “At least she’s not screwing her boss trying to get a promotion like some one I know.” Now, if this type of dialogue doesn’t strengthen a young man’s belief in the virtue of women, I don’t know what will.

Don’t mothers, aunts, and sisters realize the impact their conversation and conduct has on our young men? Every negative comment about other women and men is another brick piled on to a wall of ignorance that society perpetrates. Your sons are processing all those conversations you’re having over the phone with your girlfriends about who’s screwing who, how you can’t stand another woman, and how man ain’t shit! Well guess what? You’re raising the future husband of another woman. If he turns out not to be shit either, then maybe you raised shit!

It’s hard to believe that not long ago the family home was the primary school of respect and good manners. Learning the proper way to talk to and date young ladies was a required course for graduation into manhood. But all that seems to have changed. Today’s parents, much like our school systems, no longer appear interested in properly educating their young males. They set horrible examples and throw up their hands, surrendering them to the streets. As a result, boys are growing into men who are emotionally malnourished and morally bankrupt. How in the world can we expect these misguided souls to handle the day-to-day workings of an adult relationship? It’s virtually impossible! The lazy and irresponsible parent then has the nerve to ask, “Where did I go wrong?” Well, as the saying goes, “The fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree.”

Most men would prefer to leave their family history out of it when it comes to explaining why they cheat on women. No one wants to blame good old Mom and Dad for doing an ineffective job of raising the perfect gentleman. And besides, they know that using their upbringing as an excuse for infidelity will not wash well with today’s woman. She is sick and tired of hearing these lame excuses about the lack of role models. Her attitude is, “Damn, you’re thirty five, when does maturity kick in?” Therefore, let me make it perfectly clear that neither of the men whom I interviewed is expecting women to sympathize with their experience. The whole idea is to establish a starting point from which to begin examining why men are so unfaithful. As Dorothy from the
Wizard of Oz
would say, “There’s no place like home.”

Raymond, who is 32 years old, comes from a long line of unfaithful men. His grandfather was a cheater, as was his father and uncles. And like so many other young men raised in this environment, he became a cheater too. “After so many years watching the men in your family get away with it, you begin to see it as normal,” he says, “and then you see the women in your family putting up with it. That just made it seem even more acceptable.” Well, normal or not, he has successfully fulfilled the family legacy of infidelity. And with two sons of his own, it appears there will be heirs to the cheating throne. The question is, when will it ever end?